My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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The doctor called and confirmed the testing for the flu, was positive, how I don't know, when I don't even go anywhere. I still feel very weak and tired. Still achey and dizzy. First year I wasn't able to get the flu shot and I get the flu. Unreal! Stay germ free lovely ladies.
Mae~ your sinuses feeling better I hope ?
Hope everyone else is doing well!
Much love ~M~
Waving hello to Gracie and Lynne (50's). Ty so much for caring. Being sick takes me to dark places. I do admit. You hit something there. HaveA Great day with the grand kids. You're amazing.
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MJH~🤗💗☺️ Just saying hello beautiful!
Chelle and Nan. Love you guys.
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Micmel. I think 50's girl is right. Writing "it" down is my way of getting it out and gaining perspective. I call it writing therapy. Sometimes I throw the paper away or delete. But, here is the only safe place I have to write and not worry about how my words affect others. Here I don't get criticism or the dreaded "don't feel like that". What?!?! Here everyone seems to understand how legit it is to have those thoughts. Here no one tries to minimize your pain. Here no one says if you just have a better attitude, it will all get better.
My opinion, if you can't feel free to write it here, with no fear of judgment, it will fester and grow. The other world, including old, dear friends, doesn't get it. You started this thread for just this reason, I think.💞 Keep writing.
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Aww micmel I think we all knew you and the flu. Good to get confirmation. I hope you feel at least a little bit better.
Grannax you’re absolutely right we need this thread. No one tells us we’re whining because the darkness that we sometimes fell is real and is only held off by love, our families and friends smidgens of hope and prayers.
I overheard my husband yesterday tell his job that he’ll be quitting soon bc he wants to spend whatever the last times i have on earth with me. He explained to me later how hard it is for him to watch me get weaker everyday and then leave and go to work.
So I got all dressed up determined to look healthy when he came home. It took so much outta me I had to take a nap.
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Micmel, thinking of you. I hope you will feel better soon. I think we all have our highs and lows, and I know I will never be the same person I was before MBC, but I try to be, and sometimes I feel I try too hard, and friends forget. Maybe that is a good thing, but I can never forget, I long to be that person again, that person in my other life, the life I used to live. Hope reigns eternal however, find a new drug, please, please. I am not ready to move on just yet.
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micmel, if the timing was right, you probably caught the bug from someone at the Boy Scout thing. We were all so proud of your outing, oops
Happy to see you feeling better and posting more, I know you enjoy hanging out in the “pub”
Hi to everyone!
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Tanya, it must have broken your heart and brought tears to your eyes to hear your husband's words. I worry about how all this affects my husband. I know he feels helpless when all he wants to do is make me better. I do have to admit that I laughed when I read that you had to take a nap after getting all dressed up and trying to look healthy. I can understand how that would happen!
Minnie, You are right. None of us will ever be the people we once were, but I am not sure what I would be now if I didn't have MBC. My life would certainly be different if I didn't think of cancer every single day. I have heard some people say that they are glad they have MBC because it made them a better person or something. Well, let me tell you that nothing in this world will EVER make me happy to have MBC. NOTHING! On the other hand, if I didn't have MBC, what would I be like? There are the obvious things - My life would have fewer dr appts, tests, scans, medications, and on and on. Would my DH and I be less appreciative of each other? Possibly. There is nothing like coming face-to-face with our own mortality or that of a loved one to make us appreciate what we have to lose. I used to think that I wanted to know how and when I will die. Does MBC give me that insight? Of course not. I might die of MBC, but I could die from the flu or pneumonia or a plane crash or choking or a heart attack before MBC gets me. My DH told his PCP that I only have one functioning kidney because the other one is atrophic and nothing but a bunch of cystic tissue. (I call it my dud.) His PCP asked me if I had gotten a brain scan because some percentage (I forget the number) of people with that condition have a brain aneurysm. I laughed and told him that I have metastatic breast cancer and figure that it will kill me before a brain aneurysm has time to get me. I am sure he thinks I am nuts for laughing, but if I can't laugh, how will I get through the rest of my life? When I was diagnosed with MBC, I thought I would be dead within a fewmonths, but here I am, more than 2 1/2 years later. My life is different, but it is not defined by my cancer.
I apologize for rambling and getting so far off track. I will stop now.
Hugs and prayers from, Lynne
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Lynne, I certainly don't think this will make me a better person, it makes us realise what is precious, A bit more selfish I think. And we get to laugh at some really absurd things. Some people might think we're nuts. Trying to get to sleep, so sorry too for rambling tonight x
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Lynne~(50's) Never apologize for anything you feel you make many good points, I love my DH more than even the word could ever do justice before cancer, now they need to make another word for how I feel. The love levels are different, the intimacy has changed but it's still strong and beautiful. I love my kids dearly. My reason for fighting are those beings the three kids and my precious DH.
My mother also. She gets very upset, I am not even allowed to talk to her about how bad I felt with this flu, because people were dying from it. She is terrorized from MBC and she doesn't even have it. I see the worry and fear in my DH. He's a tough one to love, very picky and has serious OCD, but in the most precious of ways. He's a wonderful father, person and man. I admire him and I love him dreamily still after what is going on 15 Years. The Thought of even one day without him guts me the whole way through. I am also nearing the 2.5 year mark as well. Two years in January 22,2018 for me, I also thought I wasn't going to live long. It's just mental torture that is relentless and the physical problems, adjustments, re adjustments are what I can live without. I hate going to the doctors. Hospitals. Need to drag me in. I have no veins. It's always an issue. I'm just growing tired. I'm sure the flu has something. To do with it I am sure. Much love ~M~
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Mae ~we were talking about the Boy Scout dinner. There was a ton of people there and I believe that could be correct. I was also at the eye doctors appointment and to my TMJ doctor as well. There were. Some elderly people in the waiting room at the TMJ doctor that didn't look too chipper. I worry they would ever have that monster ofa flu. No wonder it was killing people. WOW! Now everyone knows why I don't want to go anywhere. I am a hermit for a reason. Although I do like my new glasses. Hope you had a good day. Yes I do enjoy our pub! But truth be told, it's you all I enjoy! Hugs with a 😷! ~M~
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Minnie~ please make sure you get your rest! All this crappy sickness around. Maybe you guys don't have the flu going on like we do. But yuck! I hope you enjoyed your trip I was so sick. I didn't welcome you Home. I'm sorry!! ❣️🤗 hugs to you and your safe return! ~M~
Tanya~ my heart hurts to hear that as well. My DH has said many times. He's banked time for when I get bad. He has said he wants every second as well. My DSS has pneumonia, so he's very sick as well. X-ray confirmed it today. Now forever he's gotta watch that susceptibility! Bad end of the month. Tomorrow my DS turns 21. Holy Hannah. Where does time go?. My DSS is 16. He is ouryoungest, a senior next year. Then it's game over with secondary schools. Maybe that will be the time we rent Our house here to the kids. Which means I would finally get to be in the same house with DH after 15 years of separate houses. We did it for the kids, divorce was a hard one! But it's our time now!
Can't wait for bed!
Grannax~ hope you're well! And got your car money!
Stay safe everyone.
Much love 💗~M~
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good morning ladies. Another freezing morning yuck! 23 I don't know why I dis like winter so much. Uh. Maybe the flu perhaps. Terrible. Still hanging on little By little, my hands feel like sand paper, from so much washing! Makes me never want to go outside again or even talk to anyone. Yuck!! Freezing temperatures, wind a howling, I am in bed, very thankful I can just lay here I feel I wish to!
In a twist of my winter complaints today in the mail My DH got me this beautiful winter coat 🧥 it's down and a beautiful army light green color. (Because I always tend to choose black) and I love it. Now I actually feel like going someplace in this freezing weather. Lol imagine that. With this coat. I don't think I would even feel the cold! So thoughtful Love is a beautiful thing ! So is warmth! I do have a lot to be thankful for!! Today I am trying to be thankful! Hugs you lovely ladies ~M~
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Micmel - It is good to see you back and sounding more like your old self. I have been going through a lot these past week and a half. We did not get to go on our camping trip DH was doing a special project and the weather would not cooperate and he ended up working all weekend. I have been sick with gut issues for over a week now and the day before yesterday I was asking myself why on Earth I was doing this why am I putting up with all of this I'm so tired of being tired I'm so tired of feeling ill or bloated or full of poop constipated I'm so sick and tired of all of it I was having a really rough time. While dealing with m i l issues one of the other siblings decided to put their two cents in and try to change everything. And I thought why why am I trying to deal with this at this point in my life when there are three other siblings out there that should be taken care of this and handling this and now they want to argue with me. Oh and did I say during this whole time that I was feeling horrible with gut issues. So then I'm thinking you know DH has been bugging me for a while now to sell everything load up the horses and travel the country. I am always telling him that that we can't do that because we have to be saving for retirement since we lost all of our retirement in the crash. He says he doesn't care life is short and he wants to enjoy. So I'm asking myself on this day why am I standing in his his way why am I standing in our way that's just crazy right we should just go enjoy who cares if we don't if I lose my health insurance there is Medicaid who cares if we don't have very much money we love each other. This is my mindset that day and it wasn't depression it was just I'm tired of it all and those days of feeling tired of it all and wondering why I keep living like this are getting more frequent. So that evening I was on the phone with DHS he was driving home from work when suddenly he's not on the line I hear voices in the background then I hear DH saying I'm alright I'm alright I've got to find my phone I've got to find my phone and it suddenly dawned on me he was just in an accident that had to be what happened there couldn't be voices in the truck he was driving. Turns out he was run over or I should qualify that and say the pickup truck was run over by a semi DH is extraordinary really lucky to be alive to not be maimed it just is I can't even find words for how I felt when he told me and then I'm waiting agonizingly for hours for the police reports to get done and for him to he decided to load the pickup truck on a wrecker and just bring it to our house because it was full of his tools and he was worried about locking the tools up in a tow yard that they would get stolen which they would have. So he comes home with the wrecker they unload the truck and I see it first-hand and I just started to shake it just you have no idea you just have no idea how horribly close how Incredibly Close I came to losing him and then I really thought why am I standing in our way why am I being so ridiculous about the security of money and things and and who cares load up the horses and take off and go travel the man almost died! I am shaking just remembering how I felt when I saw it first saw that truck and I'm wondering why why am I standing in our way. I love this man and the thought of losing him I got a glimpse of being on his side of things and I just the feelings are just bubbling up and roiling and overwhelming and I just can't even begin to find words to explain how horrible. So things are going to change. I'm not allowed to post a picture of the truck or discuss it on social media so I probably already said too much but I wanted to get these thoughts and these feelings out and I knew that you ladies would understand that this would be the perfect place to have someone understand the Royal Inn bubbling bubbling mess!
On another subject, while reading a thread that was posted on one of the other threads I became aware that what we post here is not private. for some reason I had the idea that what we say here is only between us and that it can never be taken any place else will Apparently that is a huge misconception that a lot of us have! I believe capital r u n o r is having a difficult time with this Revelation as am I. So I probably will start start curbing what I say and what I do and I am going to remove my Diagnostics and where I live and stop posting my name on post that I put on the thread like I've been doing, which I hate doing all of that, but I'm a very private person and this is been most upsetting to learn.
I want to say that you ladies all you people men and women have saved me so many times in so many ways big ones and little ones I can't thank you enough. if I had to say there was anything good that came out of having NBC, it would be the fellowship that I have had with the people on these threads some place to go to where I can pour my heart out and others will not judge, will not try to Pat me on the head and say it'll be okay, you truly understand just as I truly understand what you are feeling. I'm waiting hi to everyone and sending all of you hugs and prayers, and wishing you a pain free nausea free, peaceful week and weekend.
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bigbhome~my heart is so full of feelings for you and your dear sweet DH!! I totally understand your feelings about ou personal information. That is something to respect and honor. I am also interested in the thought of removing my information if need be. I would like to hear more about what you learned in regards to the privacy of our information here and anywhere really.
You're a beautiful woman and i adore you! I will support you any time any step of the way. Living your life is what you need to do, go with. your heart, it's a Special heart that is pure and kind. Speak to DH make your decisions! Money certainly isn't everything. I have learned that. We love you. Lean on us. Privately if need be. But I am here, we are here! Much love ~M~
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bigbhome, I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through so much lately but glad DH is at least mostly physically ok, mentally it’s difficult.
I guessing my past major car accident had an impact on my current disposition. In 2006, I was hit by a large van after it collided with another car, I was rolled a couple times, landed upside down and crawled out the broken passenger window. I was convinced in the moment before impact that I would die. Obviously, I didn’t and I’ve been living on borrowed time ever since.
The most painful part was the look on DH’s face when he saw my car and realized what he almost lost, I saw that look again at diagnosis, it’s heartbreaking.
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OMG! I am so happy to hear that you survived that! I love your sence of humor and your positive energy! Yes that must have been horrible to see that look on your DHS face! I couldn't believe how horrible the truck looked and how close I came to losing him that night. We are all here for such a short time I don't know things just have to get better. I am sitting here with my stomach absolutely on fire hurts so bad I can't stand it and I have been dealing with this now for over a week. The one thing that came through to me loud and clear upon seeing that truck was that feeling that DH must have every time we discussed my passing from MBC. What a horrible feeling to have to live with day in and day out. I've always been incredibly sensitive to what he has been going through but never actually had the exact same feeling that he's got to have been having. I don't honestly know how he does it, but I'm thanking God everyday that he does do it.
On a completely different topic, I was very blessed yesterday to his seeing a bald eagle carrying a squirrel in its Talons fly across our backyard. Today, I saw the first hummingbird of the season in our bottle brushes. I just love moments like that! I'm going to get off of here and I'm going to call my doctor because I have had enough of this. Hugs and prayers to everyone
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I just hate that you are dealing with illness, pain, sadness. Can your docs provide any relief? At least for the gut issues, a week is too long to feel like crap, it ruins everything else.
Very cool about that eagle though, RIP little squirrel
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Bigbhome your post had me on the edge of my seat. To have been on the phone with him.......UGH. heart stopping. Now to have turned it into true empathy. What a roller coaster of emotions.
I so understand about the issues going on with your family or family in law. I remember you saying you were trying to help with her situation. I've been there, too. Sick, with MBC and I'm the only one there actually doing something! It shows how little they understand how what MBC is like. On top of that, to want to change plan A. What an attitude. Having had numerous deaths and long illnesses in my family, I understand. It's like would someone please give me a break? There were four of us but I'm the oldest. Last year my brother died suddenly. So we had to deal with the aftermath. It happened one month before my DX. We made some decisions at that point that should have been changed after my DXx but no. It stayed the same. Very frustrating.
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just piping up here....my stomach is hurting somewhat and has been for the entire week on and off the flu is that way, you could have. Touch and not know it,and stress is awful. I also know, that stress will make your stomach have more acid in it! I agree call the doctor! When did this accident happen with the truck bigbhome!? I am scared just thinking about it! I dont want you filled with any anxiety or worrying you have enough to deal with. It's so scary seeing something like that! No less when it's someone who's your world. Reaching out to you for a big supportive hug. We love you dear friend
Mae~ uh! Wow!🤭🤭 that's is so scary my goodness,looking at that scares me beyond words. You're a strong amazing woman. Everything you have been through has created a wonderful person who is resilient obviously! Thank goodness you weren't killed, were you severely injured. Omg wow! 😞😩😔 you had an angel with you that day! Much love ~M~
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Today I learned that something I thought I may never see, in my lifetime with this sickness ,may be happening sooner than I ever thought. My daughter and her fiancé have set a date for sometime this September. 😱💜🤗☺️, I can't believe how happy I feel that I am going to get to see my beautiful daughter, walk down the isle and be married. It's one of the things I was most afraid of missing out on. Tha chance to see her sparkle, the chance to have those memories. I amso happy and touched. The dress shopping. Picking the venue, for the reception. It seems all amazing that I have been given this gift and chance. I feel humbeled and happy. I am so greatful for the chance To experience this with her, and with the family! This is a surprisingly wonderful day! 💜💜⭐️🍹🍷🍺🌟💜 🎩 👰 🤵! Much love ~M~
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Micmel - I am so happy for you! That is wonderful thing to hear! Absolutely wonderful! I think sharing a wedding with a daughter is something so special. I don't know because I have a son but I have a feeling it looks very special.
I started having stomach issues the day after I went back on this cycle of ibrance. I thought that it was the ibrance tearing up my stomach. Then when I was laying in bed one night I remembered that my Pharmacy had swapped manufacturers of Effexor on me and I had started the new manufacturers expects her on the same time as the ibrance. So I decided to go back to the other Effexor and actually started getting a little bit of relief when suddenly is flared up again. My stomach feels like at the very base like it just is on fire and I cannot put my hands on my stomach or sides without there being any pain. If there is even the smallest amount of pressure picture of a beach ball in your stomach and you take your fingers and you gently push on the beach ball causes such horrific pain I can't stand it. I kept attributing it to one the medication to the constipation and three now I'm having the reverse of constipation diarrhea and the pain is tenfold. I called the doctor's my palliative doctor and I have an appointment at 10 tomorrow morning. There is a part of me that thinks I might not make it till 10 tomorrow morning that I may end up in the emergency room. This pain is so bad and it's just been getting steadily worse today. My stomach is so bloated it's actually ridiculous I look like I have a beach ball underneath my shirt. McNally the app accident happened day before yesterday around dinner time. About an hour after I got the text from Sil suggesting many changes in the red agreed-upon steps step in Mill and step fil treatments.
Granex, this has been just a horrible week and a half but it seems like the day before yesterday every single solitary thing that could go wrong went wrong. Every time I look at that truck sitting outside and trust me I do it rarely, I start to shake thinking about what could have happened, what came so close to happening, and how it must feel for DH. I'm now there I've now had that experience of the potential of losing someone realistically hitting me in the face. I don't know how I loved ones do it, I just don't I mean this has been horrible and it's only been a day and a half. It's not an ongoing situation like they have to deal with. Hugs and prayers to all.
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Bigbhome, oh my goodness you have had a terrible week. You've had a lot of stress and shock which is hard for any person, let alone a person dealing with cancer. I'm so glad that your husband is ok. Life truly is fleeting and as the " sick" spouse we never think that our spouse could go before us. I am concerned about your abdominal pain and I hope you go to the ER. You need some pain relief and some answers. It sounds excruciating. As for the in laws, step away if you must, if your SIL has all the answers,let her handle everything. You need to take care of yourself and your husband. No doubt that the shock of this has affected him too. Pleas keep us posted
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Bigbhome~as you always say to us, I am saying to you! Take care of you and your DH. I am Beyond glad He is ok, and the thankfulnes that I feel for you and your precious family is endless to express.Take a deep breath and find out what this pain is. I know how you feel about the ER and I know the opiates don't agree with you. I do know my pain wasn't like you mentioned, but there are so many violent bugs out there. I am hoping against hope, that is all you're dealing with. You're a wonderful woman. Let SIL take over now, she put herself into it. Let her take over and of course you'll be concerned. But take the time to love on your precious DH. You need to recover from something incredibly scary and when my father had his heart attack some years ago and we are estranged, he said life is fleeting. So hold on tight as you can and spend your time loving that incredible man, your man. I am thinking of you. Much love ~M~
Hope you can make it to tomorrow's appointment, instead of the ER! So many sick people in the ER. I don't want you to catch anything!! Love you friend ~M~
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Bighome-I'm so sorry you are having this pain. I am glad your husband is ok. Very scary! I get the private vs public thing. I too thought our comments on here would not be shared. I hope you get something for relief tomorrow, and you can stay out of the ER tonight. Hugs!
Mae-Scary looking car there. So glad you weren't hurt badly!
Micmel-Glad you are starting to feel better. So happy that you will get to see your daughter walk down the aisle. Our younger daughter just had a city hall wedding (she did get a gown, that she cut short), and a small gathering (4 round tables) at restaurant (only cost us 1,000.00!). They got married on a Wednesday, Feb 29th, almost 6 years ago. It snowed, so his grandparents didn't come down from VT. They already had an almost 1 year old too, so they wanted a small thing. They always said they'd have a redo, where they invited our huge family and friends, but they never have. That's the only one I've had so far. Our older daughter was engaged and was suppose to be married 4 1/2 years ago. He wanted to postpone it 4 months before the wedding. She asked for a new date, he didn't have one. She said that she was done with him. We had a 50th birthday party for my husband at the venue (since we'd lose our 1,000.00 deposit). I hope I am able to see our 2 sons, and her get married. My goal when I was first diagnosed at 43, in 2005, was to see our younger 2 graduate high school (they were in 9th and 4th grade at the time). Luckily, I've been able to see them graduate high school and all attend college. I've also got to meet my 3 grandchildren (I'm sure some day there will be more). Enjoy the small moments!
Tanya-Your husband's words are so touching. I'm sure he appreciated you looking nice for him. It is sad how little wipes us out. I know my husband would quit if he could. He's only 54 though, and we still have a mortgage. He tries to take me on trips all the time (even when I'm not up for it, traveling is great but tires me out!). I keep having to slow him down. Luckily, the owner of his company, lets them take off as much time as they want (only 2 weeks are paid, but he pays them, if they go on their work computer for a little while on vacation).
Lynne-I totally agree with you on how you feel about having MBC. Unless you have it, they don't get it. People comment on what a good attitude I have being stage 4. If only they knew how I really felt inside about it. I put on a good front, and have no trouble talking about it with anyone, but that is only because I've been dealing with breast cancer for almost 13 years, and stage 4 for almost 6. It's just part of my life now. I've also laughed when others did not think it was funny, they just don't realize that we no longer sweat the small stuff.
MJH-"hell" week is going like usual. I am dizzy a few times a day (I fell on my butt on Monday, after trying to walk to the fridge, 10 feet away, and back, it was a soft landing though, didn't hurt), I just have to take my time and sit back down if I have too. Lots of Immodium and Pepcid. I thought I might skip the thrush this time, since she cut my steroids in half, but no, I have that too. So barely able to eat much. I also started having neuropathy a couple of months ago. It gets worse as the day goes on. My typical post chemo week. I hope I'm feeling better by Friday, one of my friends husband passed away at 55 from pancreatic cancer (he lasted 2 years, and got to see his daughter graduate from law school), and his wake/service is Friday. I graduated from high school with both of them and they too have been together since high school (like us). They were married 34 years (they got married 2 weeks before us).
Scans on Monday. I've been on Taxotere (every 3 weeks) since May, we'll see if it's still working. In a way I hope it isn't, I'm so sick of all these side effects, but I know I should hope it is (the longer it works, the longer I'm here!).
Lynne
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Goodness, we have days which are run of the mill, but today, is so,full of highs and lows. Thank God bigbhome your DH is ok. Micmel, so happy for you and your daughter. All I can say is never take life for granted. Things can change in an instance. Wear the best clothes, the good perfume, spend the money, though as a life long careful with money person, I am the wife who holds back!
Hold your loved one tight today. Hug your kids, grandkids, even the family pets or,horses! Life is short!
Hoping to sleep tonight, thought of scan next week on my mind.
Would,love to,have seen that eagle
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Hi all just popping in, sounds like you all are going through your own stuff. Im tired, not a winter person, tired of everything bein a fight, we had a meeting at Emma's school yesterday and they just dont get how sick she is, I wonder why we fight school so much, just tired of all of it and for me Im just sick of having this over my head, yes I am feeling pretty good but scans are coming soon so I am stressing again. I really dont want to have to change treatment.
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I managed to get an appointment at the doctors office tomorrow morning. But just in case I finally got myself in the shower and put on my new pajamas that I got for Christmas, with the matching robe haha! I remember one of us, I think it was Grannax, who said we should stock up on pajamas just in case, well I'm all set for tonight anyway.
Minnie, that eagle was so stunning , it was so close and I could see all of its features! I will hold that memory in my heart forever. That was so cool!!!!
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Bigbhome, I am very concerned to think that what we post here may not be totally private. This frightens me! Can you elaborate if you feel comfortable doing so? If not it's ok, I just hate the thought that these boards are possibly not a safe place. Enjoy your new pajamas, I am a pajama fanatic, I never buy myself clothes but LOVE my pajamas! Hope you are feeling better
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bigbhome, great to have an appt tomorrow, I was wondering if it might be your appendix or something like that?
Lynwood, I thought this was private at first too but I recall googling something and finding a link to a bco community discussion about it. This is why I don’t name co-workers, lol. I do try to be vague, if possible.
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illimae, I got a PM telling me to Google my screen name. Not only did it show the few pictures I've posted, it showed entire pages of various threads I've posted on. I am utterly shocked, I had NO idea
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