My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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my son just tried to get out of our front door to run an errand, and there were seven packages stacked outside. Our door. He couldn’t even open it. Lol the mail man must think I’m crazy. It really was the most I have ever had delivered at one time. I was laughing watching my sons expression like 🤪 what Is all this crap?!! Lol as he waded out the door to hand it back inside to me. So I stacked them lol it’s More like christmas! ~M~ 0 -
Gracie , you saund like you are really down, down in the dark mood. We all know how you feel,because each of us goes there more or less often. After the doctor told me I had metastasis I started thinking of a way to escape the sad reality. Lucky I found this site and this wanderful ladies lifted me up.The fact that I was not alone gave me strength and reading how many still have full life, travel and enjoy every single day gave me hope. The first post was from Photograph girl - pictures from her trip to Africa!!!! If you find something that you love, it would take your thought in a better place. What els helped me was the book " Daying to be me " from Anita Moorjani. I was able to look at my deseas from a different angle And most important to look at the face of the death with less fear. I hope you soon will find something to hold on.
Sending you warm hugs
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Gracie~ Hoping that today is better. I am losing my voice and I have no idea why. Ever since this flu, I just don't even have my new new normal. I am starting to think that a new normal is chronic also. I know it sucks honey. It's sucks for all of us. I hate every single second I allow my mind to think about the cancer. Even with my daughter getting married, I am exchanging cancer thoughts, with debt thoughts. Lol. Weddings are expensive. I have the shot/bloodworkMonday now. Instead because they want to see if my voice comes back. If it doesn't, then who knows. Maybe more antibiotics? I'm supposed to start round 16 of ibrance on Tuesday. But man I am tired. We all have our dark days! So just you know, we are here keeping the light on! Much love ~M~
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good evening all
Gracie my heart goes out to you. My oldest granddaughter is sick so they’re all staying away this week. I called her and made a big pot of chicken soup for her today. I sent her some crackers, vitamin c packets and tangerines and then felt like weeping all day. She sent me a loving text and thanked me and said it was delicious. More weeping. It’s tough most times. We’re all living a life that we’re comparing to our past. Deep sigh. I pray that you can send them little things, face time or have some phone contact.
Didn’t get much sleep too many hot flashes and sweats, anxiety. I’ll be taking something for sleep very shortly. Take care all.
Tanya
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I gave the car salesman a laugh today when I told him I had terminal cancer and decided I might buy a Cadillac instead of a Nissan. I'm not sure believed me but he did laugh.
I never use the word terminal, it just popped out f my mouth. But, seriously MBC has changed my perspective. However long I have to live, I think I am giving myself permission to have a little luxury. I did drive one, it felt like heaven to my aching body.
It is a life changer in so many ways. We might as well make the most of it.💞
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Blueshine~hope all is well with you and yours! It's always nice to see you. I hope you are staying healthy!
Tanya~ I know the weeping, it just can't be helped. Just trying to solve something that used to simple for me. Is so much harder than it used to be. What a sweetheart you are sending all that to your grandchild. That is the definition of sweet and loving..
Grannax~that is quite a visit to the car dealership. I'm surprised his jaw didn't hit the floor I can agree that I also never use terminal. I guess because it's scary. I don't like to think of my life coming down to that. How sad that this has happened to all of us. Sometimes I just still can't believe this. It's all so much to go through. No one ever gets it either. Only you all. I am already exhausted and it's february. In May I'll have new scans. I'm sure I'll have new pains. I am positive I am sick of who I am
Now. It's such a disappointment! Not who I want to be. Or what I wanted for my DH. None of us do or did! I feel the sadness every single day! Big hugs
Mae~ Hope you're safe! Traveling 9 hours. My hero! Does the puppy go with you ???
Gracie~ 💜💜🌹
The Lynne's. Hope all is well. It's so cold here. Can't even imagine. Haven't seen 50's. Hope she's ok ❣️❣️
Runor~ waving hi!
Leapfrog ~ hope all is good with you as well and you enjoyed another walk!
Chelle~ still keeping your seat!
Bigbhome~ miss you sweetheart!
MJH~ 🌹🌹🌹
Stay healthy everyone. Apparently the flu is at the peak! Yuck
Much love ~ M~
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Grannax! Yes! Buy the Caddy! But not a new one. No no no. Get yourself a mid 70s model, 23 feet long bumper to bumper, 4 door, 500 cubic inch engine. Then get it tweaked with a hydraulic lift system in the front so you can press a button and make the front tires bounce off the ground. If you're going to rock the Caddy, make it an OUTSTANDING Caddy from the days when American made automobiles were works of arts with bumpers like chrome sculptures. Room inside for you and your 5 closest friends. Top speed, god only knows but that big block will pass anything on the road. Maybe not off the line, but when the little import is topping out the revs on his small block, your big block will just be hitting its stride as you fly by. Buh bye Mr. Nissan. And you MUST wear huge, round sunglasses and a feather boa in bright pink. Do it!
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runor you made me lol at picturing your description of me in that car. 😎
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Lol Runor~ That is because she's hilarious! She is the best writer and always makes me seriously LOL. These days that is a challenge, you truly make me smile and I thank you for that. You should be a comic lol. I was picturing the entire scene also lol. Thanks for thesmile and laugh so much. ❣️🤗 ~M~
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Hi beautiful Ladies! It's so good to laugh. I always wanted to buy Mercedes, why not. I'll think about it.
MicMel , when is the wedding? I hope you are almost done with the preparations so you can relax. You need it. I like your idea of finding a part time job that you would enjoy. Maybe it wil give you the sense - you got your old life back. But for now rest, rest, rest.
Good night all
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Ugh!!! Long post lost again. Good grief. The wedding isn't until September, the bridal shower August. But I need to make sure everything is ready and done for this event. I don’t have the energy to finish it in two months. So I have started very early. Which I am ok with, it's so much fun planning with her. She has so many good ideas. She's precious. I have to make sure it's perfect for her. She has to get her bouquet figured out and she's taking care of the cakes. I have decorations purchased already. The China. Flatware. Cups dessert plates, centerpieces already have everything needed for them. I'm just planning early so when the Time comes. I won't be doing too much. I want to enjoy every second of it. So much fun. Much love ~M~
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Micmel,weddings are so much fun! Sounds like you guys have gotten a lot done already. Love hearing all the details and love that she's wearing your dress. I actually threw my dress out, it was ripped and torn and I never had it preserved. I figured since I had 3 sons it would be ok. Now I regret it...I would love to have a piece of my dress to give to my future dil to incorporate into her dress or bouquet in some way.We need an engagement first.They are more interested in getting an apartment then getting engaged
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Micmel, I love the chair selection for the wedding. The maroonish color and bow is gorgeous. Those silver plates are a great idea. I have taken to using similar "high end" real-looking disposable dinnerware (and silverware) on Thanksgiving in certain years when I don't have the energy to wash so many dishes and they always look great. Especially when they are mixed in with other beautiful decorations.
Tanya, when I saw the gator photos from your walk, the first thought was she must live in Florida! Then I saw under your screen name that you are in Tampa. I am in South Florida. Those pictures seem awful close to the gators. Are they close enough to lunge at you?! Scary.
Minnie, the hillside pic from your location mini vaca looks so relaxing and beautiful. Where in Spain is that? Such a beautiful country. I just love it there.
Granax, go for the Cadillac! Excellent idea. I am laughing very hard picturing the hydraulics and souped up Caddy that Runor mentioned. Ha, ha!
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Gracie....I'm so sorry you're having one of those horrible spells. I had about ten days like that just recently, which was why I wasn't posting much. I just couldn't see any light at the tunnel and that's not like me. I've come out of it now but it would be easy to fall back into it. I've found it mainly happens when I'm having the fatigue spell from my Ibrance cycle ~ everything looks bleak when you're so tired you can't get enough sleep to feel better.
Micmel.....I've found, too, that since my diagnosis I savour every little thing about life, even when I am feeling down. I feel I have to just extract as much as I can from even ordinary things that most people don't even think about. I've always loved nature ~ trees, flowers, birds, water, clouds ~ and I still do but now I'm moved by just the most simple things. I've always been a "people person" and, although I don't get out much at all, I enjoy people I do see just as much as I can and I intend to stay this way.
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Blueshine , go for the Mercedes. Love mine, just a little one, but so comfortable. DH would like something with more pizazz!!
Happy Saturday everyone.
Gracie sending you love and positive thoughts. X
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Lynwood~Hi Darling... I started to cry when she asked me to try it on. I wasn't even thinking that way. She took the veil out and was looking at that to have it be something old or borrowed, whatever she wanted to do. Next thing I know, she says hey can you zipper this? I never thought I was that tiny. It fits her like a glove. She only wants the sleeves less puffy and more of a boat shoulder, instead of up on the shoulder itself. I didn't even have to try to pretend to be totally touched by seeing her in My dress. It melted my heart, and every bad thing that had happened in the past two years with my sickness melted away, for a time period of pure joy and love I have never felt. Like she was coming into her own self. Not my little girl anymore, I am so filled With joy! Much love ~M~
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Sunflower~ welcome our little home away from home, what a kind post!🤗 I agree completely that the darkness sometimes comes crashing into us all. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us and supporting our sweet Gracie. I know I totally agree with you about the ages of your kids. Mine are 22,21,16... and finally my daughter is getting married. I cannot imagine not being there. I hope you'll come and get to know our wonderful group we put together. I am hoping you're having a great Saturday. Big hugs! ~M~
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Thank you to everyone for your kindness and concern. It’s very hard sometimes to see my way clear of fighting this cancer. Yes I have children but they’re married and have responsibilities of their own and I have grandchildren that I get to see three or four times a week and then I have some that live 12 hours away that I get to see it about twice a year. So when I’m here by myself looking at my life, it’s hard to see why I should be trying so hard. I had a really good friend snub me this week. I had gone to the school to pick up my grandchildren and noticed her picking up her niece and I said hi and she said oh hi like she didn’t even know who I was! And then walked away. My girlfriends, Who I’ve hung around with since grade school have quit asking me to lunch and coffee and get together’s. It just sucks. Put that on top of being in this house 24 seven alone and it makes for a horrible mix. This week I’ve started having a lot of pain in my left upper neck and down into my shoulder, , To the point that I can’t move my head without getting a shot of pain. I’ve resorted to Norco which I absolutely hate because it makes me feel like I’m not breathing. And I can’t take the Norco and the lorazepam together. So everything came together this week and was just a bad storm. I’m still here and still alive, but wondering what my next move is going to be. I see my oncologist on Tuesday and I’ll talk to him about this pain. But my future is just not looking Rosie at all and I knew it was going to be hard trying to fight this all alone. I just don’t know that I knew how hard. Thanks again for all of your thoughts and kindness . They do mean a lot. This pain in my neck has me buffaloed right now... of course my mind goes to the Inrabce must not be working, which just terrifies me. Thanks to everybody and big hugs
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Gracie~ I must admit I have neck and shoulder pain everyday, and many a day I thought the same thing. It seems with ibrance. The pains hop around on me. Each week I feel a different way. I don't live alone persay. My kids all work full time and are gone from 6:00 am to around 5:00 most days. And when they do come home, they go right upstairs to bed. My DH lives in another state all week and I only get to be with him for two days out of the week. I hate it. But I try everything I can to do things on my own, because i believe that having to do it, keeps me moving and doing things. I'm trying as well to keep it togther. My DH isn't feeling well this weekend. So it's my turn to take care of him. You're on our minds. Love you friend. ~M~
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West Texas correspondent here. 72 degrees on the mountain so we went for a drive around the neighborhood. Tomorrow will be a very light hike.
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JFL, it's Murcia in Spain. We stayed in a beautiful apartment in the hills, but can almost see where we live from there! We live on the coast, so,it was lovely to see a different aspect.
Illimae, looks like a great place. Enjoy!
Gracie, it must be hard being alone. My kids are married too, all my grandkids live in different countries, I feel sorry for my DH who,has to put up with my ups and downs. It's hard to find true friends, I think some people think you are going to be needy. Chin up sweet lady, you're doing better than you think xx
Night everyone else, can't name you all, ready to sleep
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Thanks Minnie! I so wish Tom were still alive! He was my rock!
Micmel I’m really hoping this is tumor flare..
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Mae~ lol at Texas correspondent. Sounds like so much Fun. I've never been to Texas. I have always heard it was huge! And very hot. But I can handle 72. Sounds about perfect to me...it looks like some place i would love to spend sometime with my DH alone. Are those Wild horses??? And the scenery is beautiful! Please have a great time and be safe and get some rest. TonightWe are just relaxing togther. DH doesn't feel too good today. Have a great time! Much love ~M~
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Minnie~ Spain has always been a place I would love to travel! Such a beautiful place. Thanks for sharing where you are. It's amazingly lovely. Big hugs ~M~
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Gracie~ just keep notes, that's what I did and I started to notice a pattern during the three weeks that I was on the ibrance, then I started to know what days would be better than others. The days that weren't so good. I just napped and rested. Don't be too hard on yourself. I know being alone Is terribly difficult. Especially missing Tom. It just proves what an amazingly strong woman you've already proven to be. Take one day at a time. One hour at a time if you have too. Just remember we're here... and I am just a phone call away. Much love~M~
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Hello to all,
Tho I don't post here often, I read this thread every day, and one thing it confirms for me is that no matter where we are mentally, emotionally or physically as we deal with mbc, we all still want to and perhaps even need to connect with each other, sharing the highs and lows. Our lives are varied, yet our connecttion to each other is a welcome source of support.
I'm writing tonight because my sister, two years older than I, had to have a mass taken off her small intestine today. All the lymph nodes were removed. The intestine was then attached elsewhere to the large intestine. The surgery went good, but at this point, no one can say what is the next step. I am sick to my stomach about it. My heart aches and my thoughts want to take me to the worst case scenario. My sister is one who takes care of everyone else, and has always been there for me. It leaves me feeling unsettled, and she will not or does not let on about her concerns and fears.
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Divine~ I am very sorry to hear that you and your sister are dealing with such difficult things. I was just sitting here staring at my DH who isn't feeling well, very sad, depressed ,emotional sorrow he said he can't seem to shake. I know how it feels and i understand, the shaky ground we are forced to walk on. Trying to always be strong is exhausting. Just tell her your feelings of love and how you adore her and just Be there for her, if anyone understands something like that... albeit in a different way, it’s you . I had major liver surgery and it was terrifying. I was always the strong one, in my family. She is still strong, she will just need time to recover. A sisters love is a strong bond almost an unspoken glance, or a smile. Just always let her know you love her. Since she seems to want to shield you from everything,. Allow her, hold her hand, just be wonderful you. She will need time to recover, but strong people usually stay strong, even if they occasionally get knocked down here and there. You're a wonderful woman and sister. I am sending my good strong thoughts to you and your sister. Please allow us to help you get your feelings out, that is a big part of this thread....family. I am thinking of you and hope if you need anything you will reach out. Life can be so cruel sometimes. But people are placed in your life to help each other along. That's what we will do. Huge gentle hugs sweetheart. Much love and concern ~M~
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micmel, they're donkeys and deer in the other pic, I love all the wildlife in here.
Gracie, I'm jumping in late and am sorry to see you struggle but happy that the others have provided some uplifting words. Could your pain be an injury or strain? I know treatment has brought on many aches and stiffness I never had before and aren't related to mets or progression.
Devine, sorry to hear about your sister, I know it must be very worrisome. If it makes you feel any better, since she is the one usually helping others, she is/will likely deal with it the way she is most comfortable, which I assume is head on with a plan.
Going to bed early. I wish my phone could take great night sky pics because the big or Little Dipper is framed perfectly in my bedroom window. I'm not far from a big observatory and the stars are incredible!
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Mae ~ That is truly fascinating, I know in NC has wild horses and that was always really cool. We were in chinquoteague virgina and I saw the pony swim before that was something. I do enjoy the quiet of nature. I grew up on 2 acres and golf course both behind and in front of my house across the street. I had seen bears, deer, skunks, oppossums. All kinds of things, in my back yard. My own horse. That was when things were free and I was not sick and filled with worry.
Divine~ you're still on my mind. Reading your post really struck something in me. My sister and I are estranged,have been for 15 years. And when I got sick she called and wanted to try to see if we could at least visit with each other, we almost had lunch, but that very morning I had heard That already she was already up To her old tricks again with saying things that weren't full truthful to my brother, whom I was not estranged. So I chose not to go. I can feel the love for you sister through your post and I just want to wrap my arms around you and hug you because l, would give anything to have a sister love me unconditionally, like I have always done, before certain things made it impossible for her to remain in my life. Just everyday tell her you love her. Don't let a day go by without telling her. I agree with Mae. She'll tackle this with grace and strength just like she always did. Sending you love from across the miles.
Hugs ~M~
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This morning started like every morning does when my sweet precious DH is here with me. He has been deciding for months now, debating taking some anti anxiety medicine, since I was diagnosed, and his work is terribly stressful. So he figured maybe he would try something just to help for a little while. He is the strongest minded person I have ever met hands down. I have never seen a tear before my diagnosis. Even months down the road he has been the strongest positive minded, attitude for me and always just knew I would be ok. Lately, I have noticed, my husband mentioning of trying something for depression. Which i support because god knows this serious shit. When I woke up he was wide awake and sitting there wide eyed and really not doing well at all. His eyes were vacant and he was staring into nothing. I asked him what was wrong and he said he was freaked out, filled with sorrow and sadness and fear that he hasn't been able To shake no matter how hard he tried at the thought of my being sick and leaving him. He buried his face in my lap and let it go in a way I have never seen. I honestly didn't now what to say, because I can't guarantee how long I am going to live. I see the sadness in his eyes, when he looks at me. I feel the love, that I have always felt for him times a million. The love that he and I share is a story book tale. One that no one ever supported or believed in. Which is one if the main reasons for the estrangement with MANY of my family members. I made my own family. And I love it. The center is my precious DH and I. I just don't know what the other would do, if anything happened to the other. I can't live with out him and he cannot live without me. It's the hardest most heart wrenching thing I have ever felt, experienced, or even witnessed.
It's soul sucking and life altering. The helplessness we feel and felt tonight is unexplainable. The raw emotion I felt with him. Breaks the barriers of any Love I have even known exsisted. The fear of losing him Is paralyzing. I have known this feeling every day since diagnosis, I am starting to think he is realizing, that it's a real possibility, that he will be forced to live without me. I'm not sure if he can do it honestly. We are so ingrained in each other's souls. Our hearts seem to beat as one. The sadness is something we are also sharing. There are no words to express the deep sorrow loving someone can be, especially when there is not one bad word to say about our love, our life , our past. I wouldn't change a thing, and I would make my family with this man all over again if given the chance. Even if it meant being estranged from the Benedict Arnolds. I just don't understand why this precious man who works his ass off, doesn't have a selfish bone in his body, had this happen to him. He's a good man and he deserves better. I don't want to see him suffer. But either way we turn there it is. If I die. He suffers. If I live. We suffer together living in fear of every scan, every blood test... it's like a conscious torture. An evil pure wrong, that needs to be righted. It's time for some big pharma companies to pull the cure out of their asses. Tomorrow!!
Good night ladies. I know it's hard and we all have our issues. But we are in this shit stew together my sisters. Much love ~M~
Sorry so long. Very emotional day it’s been
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