My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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So weird. I wrote, but it didn’t post.
Thank you all. I really appreciate it.
Candy-678, I’m so sorry you’re depressed. I wish there was something I could do for you.
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I sat in a chair and walked the hall a little, with help. Possibly going home on Thursday. It’s been kinda rough
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Rosie, hoping you go home soon too.
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Rosie24, I’m glad you’re up and walking a little. They never let you stay down for long after surgery. I’m sorry it’s been rough.
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KBL wonderful news and I’m so glad you got in early too.
Mara hang on the weathers gonna get better and then you can be outside walking. I think you have stood in your truth with these terrible landlords and I’m grateful your brother and sil were supportive in your fight.
Candy thanks for sharing your feelings with the medication se’s and this pandemic I think we’re all hanging on by a thread. I feel this journey has a cumulative effect on our minds emotions and body. Sending hugs to you and Mara.
Moth nice to see you. I’m glad you enjoyed vegan chocolate but what does that mean? I thought chocolate was a cocoa bean and sugar was sugar cane both plants. I know not necessarily healthy. A long time ago we used to use carob but really there’s no replacement I’ve found for chocolate. If you know one do share??? Chocolat
Waving hello to all
Tanya
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Thank you Tanya. Older DB and SIL agree I should stay put for now.
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Tanya, most chocolate has milk products in it. Pretty much every vending machine chocolate bar and the big mixed chocolate boxes you get as a gift all have milk. Some dark chocolate bars are dairy free but I'm not a huge fan of plain dark chocolate. I got some dairy free milk chocolates and some sweet Georgia browns - they're kind of gooey with nuts and caramel.
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KBL ~ thinking of you and Rosie.
I read Candys post today and I felt like she was talking about me in the depression arena. No matter what I do knowing my scan. March 4 (living since you asked a few posts back) I figure why do we have to be tortured like this ? Why do we have to worry constantly about this bullshit ? I really have been trying also. Even seeing a therapist about it. She told me terminal cases are the hardest to council, because the inside problem can't be fixed or resolved. Everyday gets harder physically and for me mentally . Some days I wish they had that big red button like the old staples button that you could press if you've had enough. I realize my DH would be ok. It's my kids that my heart rips into two. I'm not ready to stop loving them. Seeing them. Or hugging them. It's truly a torture disease.
Mara~I get so mad hearing about the games you're having to hear about with your apartment complex, hopefully someone higher up would get wind of this. Money is the root of evil. They have an uphill battle if some tenants don't want to leave. Eviction is difficult. The paperwork involved and it takes a long time… those losers should slip on their own ice. Mess
Hi Tanya. BOOBOO!!!! 💕💕
Love to all!
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Mel - I hear you about the big red button - for all the drug advances, its almost like its even more difficult to be on the cusp of living with a truly chronic disease vs one they try to call chronic. Folks with diabetes dont sit around worrying about their next scans or if their diabetes is going to mutate into something untreatable or if their insulin is going to cause side effects that make living tough. Hell, even HIV/AIDS patients on their cocktails are living pretty solid lifespans now and its for all intents and purposes, chronic. I guess we all have a choice to back out from treatment and go quick, but its chasing after that chance of being a 20 year responder, or of being around for a potential cure (or at least very long term remission and off treatment) that keeps us around. Its hard to balance hope with practicalities of every day living.
Candy - Im a big proponent of a) figuring out acceptable alternatives within current limitations and b) small steps. Everything has worth, no matter how small. Is there any way you can set a schedule and commit to going somewhere to walk every day, even if its just 10 minutes? There are days when I really dont want to do anything and yet once I get going the fatigue starts to go. As for Covid - do you have access to the antivirals that have come out for treatment? Here we have priority PCR testing for the extremely vulnerable and if Covid is caught early enough they will start us on a course of whatever that drug is. Knowing that is available, and how I can access it, is mentally reassuring at least.
Rosie - Keep on going!
Someone help me not kill my partner. My phone finally gave up the ghost last night and no attempts to restart it have worked. We have a back up I can move the SIM to at least until I get a new one, but partner had not backed up the media on my phone even though I had been asking him to do so since last summer. Now he feels bad. Like I dont ask for much so WTAF all he had to do was dump the files into a folder on his desktop and hand it back to me and then find me a new phone. Im not going to be the one chasing all over town to get this fixed somewhere, thats his problem.
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Thank you, Tanya and Mel.
SondraF, I am so sorry your pictures were not saved. I am going to try to get mine off my phone now because I don’t want to have that happen. I have tried to get them on my computer so I can put them on a hard drive, but it hasn’t worked so far.
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Hey guys, ive got my photos all backed up on google photos so that if my phone dies or I get a new one I can access them from anywhere by signing into my google account. I think Apple have a similar thing with your IOS account, same with documents and music or if you want to put them on your computer you can transfer them via Bluetooth or with the cable you charge your phone with straight to your computer. I've got photos going back more than 10yrs.
Candy, I'm so sorry you're feeling so down, hopefully when it starts to warm up a bit up there, you'll be able to get out and about a bit more, I think I remember you saying you're not a fan of just going for a drive without a destination, I'm not really either but I don't mind packing myself a picnic lunch and taking a book or my favorite music to a park or the beach and just enjoy being outside, it's something I can do even though like you I have joint pain and issues with my shoulder as well.
Rosie I hope your recovery from the surgery goes well and it helps to alleviate your pain. I hope everyone else is doing the best you can, take care everyone 💗 love Kitty.
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Mel, I agree and feel better now that I have decided my own plan of waiting it out is the one to keep. The neighbour is apparently moving, I don't know what his result is or if he decided not to fight it and he has not updated me. Quite honestly, though he came to me, whatever he decides to do is his own business and not mine. I did not feel stressed last night either. My neighbourhood is not in love with the air bnb idea. Another building has had empty units convert into airbnb nearby and residents are still there.
I did go shopping at a giant walmart last night and was amazed that by walking all the aisles and the bit of parking lot, I actually walked more than a mile. That is kind of amazing to me.
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Thank you ladies. It is just good to vent at times.
Mel-
Sondra- I have a big yard. I could walk there. Or sit outside in the yard and watch the squirrels. We have a park in my town. I could go there too. Of course, cannot do outside stuff in the winter. And I am not a summer person-- the heat and humidity we have here. So that brief time in Spring and Fall that temps are good outside stuff would be ok--- I like the temp around 60. Too much over that and I sweat like crazy. And of course too cool and you have to bundle up and set there shivering.
I was getting my Lupron locally at an infusion center (changing that next month to getting the Lupron at my large cancer center). The infusion center was giving monoclonal antibodies for Covid patients, but they said they are not now as they are not available. So, the treatment for Covid I am unsure about in my area. The antiviral pills are not approved by the FDA yet, are they?? So if I would catch Covid, I don't know what the plan would be. I would call my MO then and see what she said. But it is not like we can just go to the pharmacy and get the antivirals, I don't think.
Anyhow, I just am glad I can come here and tell you how I feel. I don't know what to do about how I am feeling, but hopefully I can figure it out.
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Candy, I really hope something comes to you about how you are feeling as well both physically and mentally both of which are hand in hand. There has to be something you can do that you enjoy that would ease up on the isolated feeling at home. Can you take a drive somewhere with nice scenery or is gas too expensive to do that? Something to get out of the house without triggering all of the covid anxiety, something not requiring too much activity if you are not able to do that.
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Mara- I just need to figure it out. My sister suggested I walk at our local mall. But I hurt too much with my hip and knee issues to really do that. Then she suggested I people watch and sit at the mall. I could do that, I guess, but I am really not interested in that. I want to do things I am interested in. Know what I mean? I saw someone posted on Facebook that a contemporary Christian singer is holding a concert in our area in May. That would be fun!!! But, it is an indoor concert and with covid I know I would not want to do that. Masks will most likely not be worn by most and the crowd will be big.
I want to do things I used to do, things I enjoy. Mall walking, or people watching while sitting, or sitting in a park in hot weather is not enjoyable for me. I would not have done those things before the cancer. I just need to try to figure out how to do things I enjoy, but with the physical limitations I now have and also with the Covid fears of this day and age.
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Oh, what a morning! mel, I'm so sorry you're having a rough time of it. Sometimes, it feels like it never quits. I did get a laugh out of the "slip on their own ice" comment. That would make a great video.
Sondra, technology is great when it works and a major PITA when it doesn't. I recently got a new computer as my old one was crashing too often. I finally got Geek Squad to come to my house to transfer all my files from the old to the new computer. It took them almost all day (they left it running and then came back.) Now, I'm trying to learn Microsoft 365 after using Office 2010 since, well – 2010. What another PITA.
I'm so sorry about your phone and your photos. I always think, "They have to be there SOMEWHERE." I hope it can be fixed. Do you have Best Buy or Geek Squad or anything like that? They lose money on me but it's so worth it. Maybe a 12-year-old kid could help. They all seem to be techno-nerds, right?
mara, good for you with the Walmart walking. And no ice!
To Candy, moth, KBL, Tanya, Rosie, Kittykat (and anyone I've left out – I'm sorry), I hope you have an uneventful Wednesday.
Carol
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Candy, I can understand what you are saying for sure. There are things that are more difficult and not knowing what will help mentally combined with physical impairments are definitely a hindrance. I hope you find something that will work soon.
Sunshine, the Walmart walking was just a normal shopping trip at a huge Walmart in the city. I was not even walking around there on purpose but I definitely can see the value of walking through a grocery store while shopping. I plan to walk today once it warms up, with boots this time as the melted snow will mean puddles. Just waiting for it to warm up enough that I want to do it. Then, if I walk tomorrow, will wear cleats because it is supposed to go really cold again meaning ice.
I bought myself hashbrown patties as I usually order breakfast for delivery but decided to give these a go. So much better tasting when done fresh. I have had hashbrowns before when other people made them, these are the first ones I have cooked up. Paired with 3 eggs, italian seasoning and salt and blended until the egg looked fluffy. Scrambled in a mug with olive oil for 90 seconds with a stir halfway through. I loved this breakfast, it was filling and a much better tasting option than the stuff I order in. LOVE IT. Beyond that, I am probably taking it easy from other stuff. I have been able to push the anxiety about the rental situation back. I have nothing to worry about now for myself and even if they try to make me leave, I will fill out forms to stay when the time comes. Getting a hearing would also take a long time. The fellow who came to me signed a form and I don't think he honestly filed the paperwork to stay or say he was under duress. I also think he may just have given up as I think he is moving. I am not going to ask as I will stay out of what my neighbours are doing and feel more comfortable with knowing this is a possibility I will face in the future. Going to save for a printer as well to print out housing forms in the meantime. I am also waiting for a tiny amazon order, free thanks to my surveys, just more chili and a can of Bush's refried black beans. We don't sell the Bush's in our grocery stores but it was available on, we will see how it tastes. Also got a canned poutine gravy that I think I could add to a bean meal easily. We will see.
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mara, those hashbrown patties are EVIL! I can't stop eating them.
I told the checkout person at the health food store that the green plantain chips were evil. She looked at me like I was complaining, but then I told her that I could easily eat the whole bag. She got it, and then she laughed.
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Sunshine99, I have my grandson today. He’s keeping me hopping. Time for a nap while he naps. Lol.
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Alright hes ordered me a new phone arriving tomorrow and I think the photos backed up on Google Drive so they are *waves hands* in the cloud somewhere. He's a data engineer and tech guy, though, and keeper of the house tech. You should see the backup drive system hes got hooked up for all the media - its like a mini server farm with almost 20 terrabytes of storage keeping us in music and visual entertainment. He keeps meticulous file and data keeping of everything and yet dealing with this was too much hassle last summer - hence my irritation
Then again, do I really want to remember 2019? Probably not.
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Well, glad everything is on a cloud for Sondra.
I can't believe it but I totally forgot about my Herceptin today. Got a reminder 10 minutes on my phone. Had to phone in and admit I forgot the appointment, asked if I could reschedule. They got me in tomorrow. Reminder to myself that I really need to stress out much less as important things get missed because of that.
Edited to add, I have the same picture on my health card and ontario id card. I must say, with the blonde wig on, I fade to the background but also manage to look like Jabba the Hutt with the chin. I should have lifted my chin a little bit. Oh well. Just made me laugh to myself.
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Sondra- so glad you are getting that new phone and the pictures will be found
Mel- I am so sorry the depression and anxiety are taking over your precious life. May you find comfort in the joyous times you have with your family. We are right there with you.
Candy- I'm hoping by May this covid crap will be behind us and you will be able to go see the Christian concert. Is there a hobby you could do at home? I ordered a small sewing machine from Amazon so I am going to hem some drapes and make new pillows. Some people have started paint by numbers pictures again. Something to keep your mind and hands busy.
Mara- love hash browns. I also love fried potatoes with onions and peppers. Unfortunately I love carbs which is my downfall. I do think if I had all those eggs and beans you eat I would have enough gas to light a fire!
Speaking of May, I have booked a flight to Ontario for about 20 days. It will feel so good to get away for awhile and finally see my family and friends that I haven't seen in 2 years. Mara I hope to see you then as I am only an hour away from London!
Waving hello to everyone!
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Living- I guess I don't really have hobbies per se--- I do not sew or cook. I do love to read, which I do already. I was thinking today of things I used to do pre cancer/pre covid days, when I was "normal". But those things cannot really be done now--- career, church activities, going to concerts/day trips/ theater. Either due to physical issues now, or the Covid risks. I wish I could do things I used to enjoy. I just need to keep thinking.
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Well, I posted about the new owners wanting to turn these apartments into airbnb to a neighbourhood group and I have a really nice fellow who is a landlord who says that just because a new property owner comes on the scene does not mean they can just evict a whole building. He messaged me on Facebook and I now have another ally in my pocket should I come to need it. There is a lawyer article stating that a new landlord CANNOT kick out a tenant to make an airbnb anyway which is their intention. it is advertised online.
Edited to add that the person who messaged me on Facebook asked me to let him know if anything official is given to me to try and evict officially so I have another ally. He owns buildings too so he knows his stuff. Makes me happy and more comfortable.
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Just popping in real quick to say that my treatment went off as planned at the local place, no problems at all. It’s been a long day, so I’d like to go to bed early. We got some big wind rocking our little RV though, not sure how well I’ll sleep, 20-30 mph gusts so far and possibly up to 70 mph from now through tomorrow. If it’s too crazy, we’ll let it pass before heading back to Houston.
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Good night Mae, glad everything went well and hope you get some good rest.
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living ~I think that since that dreaded day I heard you have cancer I have never been. CLose to being the same. Nothing about me I enjoy anymore. I even annoy myself. Sometimes i forget what I say and remember less and less. This person has become someone I don’t like very much. I long for the other woman who would slap the shit out of this one and say. Stop the madness woman and live. The one who didn’t get cancer or ruin her family’s life with this disease. My precious kids. Oh gosh if it wasn’t for them. I’d push that staples red button. I’ve thought about if I have progression this tIme? Will I try other oral chemo yes. But not if it’s worse side effects than ibrance. And I won’t loose my hair ever again. No more infusions. Needles ok. No infusions. Quality of life for me is not going to the doctor or hospital monthly or qtrly even. I’m burnt out of having cancer. Watching my family hurting knowing. It’s just too much. So my thoughts with my therapist have become me waking up to what I don’t want. I don’t want cancer, so tryin to live my best without letting it rule everything . I’m going to choose for me.
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Mae~be safe.
Mara~ good to hear the mean men are in the wrong !!
Rosie~ thinking of you.
Candy~I know the depression part oh yes I do.
Runor~ hi ya. Santa~ hello lovely. Goldens ~ how are you. Moth~ hope you're feeling ok.
Emac ~ checking in on you….,
Kitty<how are you doing??!
SeeQ <waving hello.
Any I've missed. Hugs to all.
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wow I've been away just a few days but caught up on all I've missed. Glad for good endoscopy for KBL, good to see Rosie up and moving, Mae got her treatment out in west Texas, Mara's not taking crap from jerks. Mel, sorry you’re having a rough time, hugs ❤️ Tanya, how is your friend with Covid doing?
Candy, I spend a lot of time listening to music, and finding new music, reading about the artists. We have Spotify subscription which gives me new music every Monday and I can read about the artist and see how many people listen to them and where the audience is located. Just an idea if you enjoyed concerts, I think even the free version tries to figure out what you like and offers suggestions, all kinds of music, whatever you’re in to. Do you like movies? The Pluto app is free and has movies, old tv shows, cooking and home improvement shows. My local library has a lot of online stuff to learn about, I even saw some Tai Chi videos on there. Just some ideas for those days when I have no energy. At least until you feel comfortable with Covid levels or the weather gets better.The trick is finding something that sparks your interest. I know sometimes it’s hard.
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here I am at 2 am and hopefully my last night in the hospital. Sleeping isn't very comfortable with my wrapping having some kind of rectangular pieces in it that feel like metal bars holding up my back from the bed. Thinking I may be able to try side sleeping at home maybe. Anyway, they get labs from me once a day here. And the last one actually showed high neutrophils and and I'm Not sure what's causing them. But I got 12 for neutrophils and the high number is 7.7. On my Ibrance days I was getting .8 and maybe a 1 now and then. I did get a super sweet (and evil) laxative since they worry about BMs before sending you home. It worked but was no fun when I had to wait for someone to come help me out of bed. Very cruel joke to give someone a laxative who can barely get out of bed. Well it's over but still a miserable memory.
Saying hello to everyone and hoping you're hanging in there.
ETA: I found out the “rods” I’m feeling are a cage for a drain I have . When the drain is taken out today 🤞, the bars will be taken out too.
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