My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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Thank you, kikomoon.
Rosie, so glad to hear you might be going home. Boy, that laxative brings back memories. In 1989 I had my daughter by C-section. I had to have a laxative as well. By the end of the day, I was begging for Kaopectate. I understand how hard it is to get up. My belly had been cut open, and I had a bunch of staples. Yep, that memory never leaves. I’m sorry you had to go through it.
Mel and Candy, I’m sending extra big squeezie hugs.
Mae, I hope you stayed safe in your trailer. Glad your treatment went well.
My husband and I are going to try to put together a swing set for my grandson today. It’s usually like World War III when we put something together. We should have a comedy show. He has a sciatic issue right now, not to mention my back isn’t great either. Wish us luck. Lol.
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Hope the rods are taken out soon for you and you get home and rest properly. You are strong given the major surgery you had. I hope our giant pocket of support was helpful.
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pocket duty for anyone needed! My time is coming soon for scan time! So I’m available for any pocket duty needed! Hugs to all. Rosie I hope that rod comes out like now.
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Good morning. All is well. Still windy but the extreme wind warning has expired and had no damage at the cabin, it did feel a lot like sleeping on a boat though, lol
Making the long drive back to Houston today, our niece and her dog arrived yesterday, so this weekend we celebrate my birthdays and figure out next steps on Monday.
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Rosie- so glad you will have this "cage" removed from your back . Hopefully you will be able to go home very soon and have a restful sleep.
KBL- good luck on putting that swing set together. I hear you though. My husband and I argue over hanging a picture on the wall!
Mae- safe trip home to Houston for birthday 🎂
Moth- hope you are doing OK on your new treatment
Elderberry- hope you are also ok . Haven't heard from you in awhile.
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Mae, glad there was no damage to the cabin and you are safe.
I have an unexpected Herceptin since all the stressing I put myself through from Sun to Tue caused me to completely forget about my Herceptin yesterday. Would have been better weather yesterday as today will progressively get rain, freezing rain and finally snow. I will still wear cleats even if sidewalks are dry. I think my appointment will avoid the snow they are calling for as I NEED to get there today. Other than that not much going on, ate a high protein breakfast of black beans, beefless ground, wheat bran to boost fiber. Put some peanut butter powder as well for a boost of protein and keep me full. Mixed small teaspoon sized mayonnaise, sour cream and queso together with italian seasoning. Was quite good and should give me energy. I slept well again last night which helped. Going to try to stay away from the topic of the sale of these apartments as this company did the same and in spite of the new information, it does not change anything for me. Hunker down and react as time requires me too.
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So far not so bad. After a few stripped screws and a rough start, we got about five hours’ worth of work done with not too much bickering.
LivingIVLife, that cracked me up. Lol
Mae, glad you’re safe0 -
Swooping in to wave hi to all and hug those who are having a bad time. I find this messy, drippy, icy time of year very disconcerting. Like the world is in some limbo that isn't entirely winter but not yet spring. This affects my mood and outlook. I feel like I can't get comfortable with the day. Like a sweater that sags and pulls and you always adjust. Makes it hard to be emotionally stable.
In a fit of boredom I bought a deck of tarot cards. I thought, this will be easy entertainment. It came with a 300 page guidebook! Entertainment my foot! I have not completed all the reading I need to do, but convinced that I could now see into a person's deepest darkest inner being (snort) I invited my daughter over for a 'reading'. She's usually game for this sort of nonsense.
I dimmed the lights and cleared the table and with great ceremony had her draw three marbles from a fabric bag. If she were to draw three black marbles, then there would be no reading because her mojo would be too off to hear the message the cards carried. She did not draw three blacks. Slowly I drew out and laid three cards on the table. Flipped the first card. " Ooooh, this is a very powerful card. It's the 4 of blah blahs. This card carries a deep and critical message for you : STOP DOING STUPID THINGS." I flip next card. "Oh my, I can't believe this, that these two cards should show up together is very telling. The message should be taken to heart; STOP DOING STUPID THINGS !" I flip the last card and give a dramatic little gasp as I clutch my chest. She gives me that dubious look of losing patience. I begin "This card tells you in no uncertain terms.." and she butts in, "Let me guess, that I should stop doing stupid things."
"Yes! Oh my god! I'ts like you have received the message the cards were sending you!"
She gets up from the table and puts her boots on. " Get your money back on those cards, you should not be telling anyone's fortune." she says as she leaves. I have to disagree. I thought that was fun! A nice break from making fires, shoveling snow and feeding chickens. If anyone wants me to do a 'reading' for them I will pull a card on your behalf and make up gobbledygook to go along with it. Happy day to everyone!0 -
I had a Zoom Palliative Care meeting today. Had not met since November-- 3 months. We discussed my depression, Covid isolation still, my fatigue side effect of Lynparza. I am thinking about being put on an antidepressant. I don't know. I have never been on one. The doc suggested Wellbutrin. I will think about it. I have next scans March 7, so we agreed to meet again mid March to discuss how the scans came out and how I am feeling then. She said I can message her before that if I decide to start an antidepressant before our next appointment.
Are you guys on antidepressants? What kind? Do they help? Do they make you feel funny?
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candy - I was on a mild anti depressant at age 18 on and off till I was about 27. I must have been on three different ones at various times, I can't remember them all except Effexor which was the last one. I don't recall anything except relief from that hopeless sleep-all-day feeling. The Effexor gave me weird fuzzies in the head if I missed a dose, and I didn't like that.
I'm now almost42 and my MO prescribed Remeron (or Mirtazapine) for my lack of appetite. She said it helps with sleep, which it does tremendously. It is also a mild antidepressant so maybe it is helping me in that regard. I'm generally pretty happy with the occasional crying spells which happen for good reasons I think, this damn disease warrants some tears. Unlike depression where I was just miserable all the time for no good reason.
Runor your story made me laugh!
On another note- merry Christmas to me! I NEVER buy myself anything, but I splurged on a nice Staub Dutch oven. 42 and I finally get a nice pot! I'm so excited and happy! Look at the beauty
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Well walked to and from the hospital in cleats. We large amounts of snow melting but still ice on the sidewalk but the cleats did make short work. My feet got soaked as I had not though to put the cleats on my little boots. Oh well, it could have been worse. I will say it was a tiring walk when I think about it now but no slipping or anything happened. Tired more from the infusion, had to have TPA first to get blood return but was quick when Herceptin was running. When I got in, I cried from the exhaustion of walking home in wind, rain and ice pellets. I am not feeling bad now and was given a cute hat a kind person knitted and donated, a gray with a little bit of sparkle to it and glad I had it for the way home. Nothing else will be done today and I will like not walk tomorrow since all of that stuff will turn to ice and have snow on top of it. If I want walking tomorrow then it will be in the house. Just going to chill out the rest of the night. Going to get a chocolate milk and watch young and the restless and decide what I need for supper.
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Candy,
Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. I am on Zoloft, and I wouldn’t dream of giving it up. I truly believe that all of us need it especially with this disease. It may take a little tweeking to get the dose right (and even the right drug), but there’s no way that I would live without it. It allows you to face every day with hope. I hope you try it.
Runor, I almost peed my pants laughing after your last post. You must be on lots and lots of anti-depressants!! You are the opposite of depressed. Love it!
Waving hello to everyone. I’m just two weeks away from my road trip North. I can’t wait. We decided to sell our house in FL; DH is going to stay in FL and buy a condo after I move back to PA. We are not rushing into divorce yet, but that may come later. I am so looking forward to spending the Spring and Summer in PA with my family. Of course, a lot of my experience here included the Covid years, so it may have been a very different outcome had that not happened.
Kiko, I love the new pot…nice one too. You made me laugh because if you could see the number of different pots and pans I have, you’d get a good laugh. Nothing matches. So I say start with this one and build a new set. You are worth it!
KBL, so glad things worked out and you are doing well. Try not to kill your hubby.
Rosie, have been following and praying for a good outcome and fast recovery. I will say that I absolutely HATE being in the hospital. Worst place ever to get any sleep.
Mara, continue to put up your dukes and take no prisoners. You are amazing.
Waving hi to Tanya, Mae, and Mel
Love to all,
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Laurie, thank you I will keep fighting eviction when it comes up. Hopefully not for a long while.
Candy, I think you have been offered very good advice from your doctor and here. I hope you consider an antidepressant as it could help.
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haha Booboo! I only have just a few basic pans and one large pot I've had from my cheap college set over twenty years ago. My pans have been so cheap I have been known to throw them away after completely ruining them. This one is a new model 1" taller and a little narrower than the regular one so they have it more than 50% off right now. I have always loved cooking (and eating) till the damn brain radiation took those from me. I've gotten the desire to cook and eat almost anything back and am not going to waste it darn it! So much soup I'm gonna make in this thing….I am so excited….I can't even.
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Enjoy your soup Kikomoon, always nice when you get a new cooking thing as well.
I was famished but did not want beans again so had another couple of hashbrown and a whipped up egg. Love using the old chopper and the egg is still so fluffy.
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Kikomoon - I am having pot envy. That is a beauty! I am not a gadget person but have collected a few very old, very well used Le Creuset. I LOVE them. I imagine the women and men who handled them before me. I imagine what they thought and felt as they put their ingredients in these dutch ovens. Did they have plenty? Was food scarce? Were they happy? Did they have big families or was it just him and her, the nest empty now. It makes me feel like I am part of a long line of people who came before me and I hope my good spirit travels with this pot to wherever it may land when it is no longer a cherished item in my kitchen.
Is you pot enameled on the inside or cast? Either way, you are going to LOVE it!0 -
Runor- you always make me laugh when I read your posts. To actually buy a set of Tarot cards because you were bored is hilarious. I think I should buy some and do the very same to my daughter! Maybe earn some extra money for myself!
Booboo- again I am so happy you will be heading home to your family very soon.
Kikomoon- I love the new pot. I don't have a Dutch oven, just a few pots and pans that I buy when on sale.
Candy- yes,yes try an antidepressant. I have been on them for many years. It might take a few tries to get right dosage etc but don't give up on them because they can take a few weeks to make you feel better.
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Thank you ladies for your advice. I am really cautious about starting an antidepressant. I know that a person may have to try different meds and doses. I don't want to feel funny, drowsy, out of it. I live alone. I need to be able to drive. I do not know. I will think about it. But... maybe just try to handle things on my own. See how March scans go. Warmer weather and maybe visit with friends outside (Covid precautions). Go to a small store with not many customers. I will see. I read Wellbutrin, the med my doc suggested, can cause seizures. That is all I need. I do not want to make things worse.
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I would like to know who is NOT depressed after the several years we have all had.
Candy, Mel and anyone else feeling low: I am sorry you are struggling. Like you, Candy, I have never taken an antidepressant. My Dad did and it helped him. I know others who were not helped. I am ok with sadness when there are reasons for being sad. Things that lift me up: I do a zoom Pilates mat class which I love, safe but you get a good workout (endorphins). I walk outdoors, two mornings with two different friends. I feed the birds and chipmunks in my garden. I do wordle. Listen to podcasts. BOR-RING. But ok.
Covid is depressing. t's depressing to be isolated and fearful and watch it grind on. Add in my Mom (who is tedious) that I am obligated to care for since my Dad's death. Add in a sister who is content to let me do everything. I began to think: 'Shit, I got rid of cancer for THIS?' Saw nothing changing.... stuck in permanent Covid with my not-fun Mom 'FOREVER'. Closest I ever came to "I am depressed."
But then I got a very lucky anti-depressant, right in the nick of time: my daughter having twins! So I will go next week to spend some time in her city and be of help and be a grandma to her little girls. Have caregivers here for my Mom and luckily she's supportive of this plan because she has a heart for babies as well.
I need this project so much right now! It will be a joy (I love babies) and absorbing, but easy too (curl up in a rocking chair). I will be a huge help at a key time to my daughter whom I love very much. A friend is swapping me her apt in NY in for my home in So Cal for a few months so I won't be a burden. I have been looking forward to this since I found out she was pregnant! I have had to white tornado my house, which had become really cluttered over 2 years of not having anyone over!! That has been absorbing too. (Want to eat time? Marie Kondo your whole house.)
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Here's my antidepressant story. It was probably 30? years ago and I had been having this continual pounding in my ears - the kind where you can hear the sound of your heartbeat in your ears. I finally went to see a doctor (I didn't have a PCP at the time) and this guy prescribed Prozac for me. He said that it acted as a vasodilator and that it would help with the pounding.
I was mortified, ashamed, embarrassed - you name it. I was brought up to not complain, suck it up, and so on. Well, the amazing pharmacist was so kind to me. I told her how embarrassed I felt, and she said, "You'd be surprised if you knew how many people took antidepressants." So that make me feel a little better.
When I first started taking them, I felt really tired. I was still working and driving, but it didn't affect my ability to do any of those things. Of course, the MD said he'd never heard of anyone feeling tired on the medication. After a while (no idea, maybe a few weeks or a month) I remember thinking, "I feel like ME again." It was amazing.
I took them for several years, until my husband changed jobs and we were in between insurance plans. I about choked at the cost of the drug and stopped taking it. I did OK after that.
My point is that sometimes we get chemically imbalanced and need something to help us find balance. Until it happened to me, I just didn't get it. I thought that it was the person's fault if they were depressed, and the pills were a crutch. Until I took them and felt like "ME" again, I didn't realize or believe that depression (or anxiety, or ...) was REAL and sometimes not something we could just wish away, or "just be happy".
Now that I've said all of that, I DO believe that I can choose my attitude through all of this. I can choose to be kind to others, and I can choose my response to circumstances. Yes, I get sad, and yes, I get angry. I'm still human - just ask my DH.
I love that this thread is here and I'm so thankful to mel for starting it. If I sound judgmental in ANY way, please tell me. Believe me, I still bristle at the "just be positive" advice that we all get. If it were as simple as that, our oncologists would be out of a job.
I've rambled enough (for now).
Love and happy Friday to all,
Carol
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Santa- Yes!!! Who would NOT be depressed with terminal MBC, and Covid, plus all the "normal" stuff of life too. That is what I was saying to my Palliative Care doc yesterday. It is situational. I lost my sister to MBC in August. My Dad is in failing health at the age of 95. My situation with MBC. Covid isolation. OH MY GOSH. Yes, I am depressed. But it is situational. I just want some happiness in all this. Not death, death, death all the time.
Sunshine- On the other hand, maybe I do have an imbalance in my chemicals. Who knows. Maybe I do really need some meds for a period of time. I just do not want to have the ADDED stress of trying new meds, tweaking doses, having side effects. Seems like MORE stress to get on yet another drug with all the meds we have to deal with already.
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Candy, I totally get it. How much more stress can we pile onto our lives? I get not wanting to add "just one more med" into your life. It's like a scene from "My Cousin Vinny" when he asks, "Could we possibly pile any more S&%T onto this?" Then there's Columbo with his, "Just one more question."
Enough already, right?
Carol
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Hey ladies
I just wanted to share that my friend is doing better. I was able to speak to her briefly today and she said that she was near death but it wasn’t her time yet because her lungs are healing from Covid after lots of steroids and whatever medications. That’s my good news for today and I’m gonna enjoy it while it lasts!
Tanya
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Tanya, I am so glad to hear your friend is doing better and that her lungs are healing from Covid.
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Tanya, great to hear about your friends improvement.
I had lunch with my good friend and former “work husband” today ( got a great spot on the patio, next to the outdoor heater) and in addition to the delicious free lunch, he brought my my favorite dessert from a different restaurant. We haven’t seen each other in about 6 months and missed each other dearly.
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Tanya, that’s awesome. I hope she keeps getting better
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Tanya, that's such happy news!
mae, I'm glad you got to have lunch with your "work husband". My DH and I still keep in close contact with his former WW (work wife - hey, a new abbreviation for us!). She and her entire family are indeed family to us.
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Tanya that is great news that your friend is getting better!
Mae - love scoring the perfect outdoor table, glad you had a good time. DH and I love outdoor lunch at Hobbit Cafe when in Houston, close to MDA.
Just got me hair cut, which consists of DH using clippers to shave it off. Less medieval monk, more Ellen Ripley a la Alien 3. Was going to clean the bathroom but think I may just lay around with the cats doing nothing. Maybe will rent Dune later. We will be working on trying to trap a rat this weekend in the attic. Good times, damn thing keeps coming back despite our best efforts to seal up this wonky old house. I foresee many arguments with DH on how to do this. Hope everyone is doing something more fun than that this weekend.
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Mel - thank you for the shout out. I am in that same boat with the depression. Hugs to you, therapy is hard work. I'm glad it is helping clarify some things for you though.
Candy - I take Wellbutrin. There are actually a couple of studies I found using Wellbutrin for cancer related fatigue. I can tell you it takes a couple of weeks to level out on. Initially I get a surge of energy (which I'm pretty sure was placebo effect) then it just levels me out so I'm functional in my depression. I can still feel like me and not get stuck in really down ruts like I used to. It has been a game changer for me. I've been on it for years, of and on. Don't take it at night though, it's not just a serotonin inhibitor it inhibits norepinephrine also and that will disrupt sleep at night.
Runor - oh my gosh. Your posts make me laugh. You have a gift with words and stories.
Rosie - glad to hear you may go home soon.
Hugs to everyone. I'm thinking of all of you. This little band of people is my go to when I just need connection and to feel like someone else out there understands. I try to keep up with this thread but oh my gosh...
This week is a busy one for me. I have a brain MRI on Monday. I've been having consistent headaches and am mixing words sometimes. I think it's probably just chemobrain and stress but my MO said even if it is, it's not bad to check it out. Tuesday I have a CT guided biopsy on my left shin. This should give us a solid answer met vs. osteonecrosis. If it's a met we will likely radiate it to see if the pain decreases. If not, I don't know. I guess suck it up and keep ace wrapping my shin and be happy it's not a met. I guess we cross that bridge when we get there.
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emac877, in your pocket for your MRI and biopsy
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