My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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Claudia~ you doing ok my friend ? Are are you having a heat flash??? I am thinking of you guys ! Lol at you figuring out the emojis lol you're persistent , I hope everything is ok. I'll be waiting to hear from you !! Hugs all ~M~
Hi Mae~ Hoping radiation is going ok and you're still not feeling any pain. Hugs my friend.
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Keetmom ~ hoping the rest of your vacation is as happy as those sweet pictures you've posted! I am going away. , I think I can I think I can!!! Hugs ~M~
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Good morning everyone. Hope all is well. Mae ~ how are you feeling ?? Today is lovely outside. DH is going for a bike ride. I am taking a short nap. Always so sleepy anymore. Thanks to lady ibrance. Hope all is going good for everyone. Big hugs ladies!! ~M~
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Micmel, I'm doing good, rads #6 just moments away. Today is one of those days when I feel great and wonder how I can feel this good with cancer but I doubt ALL those tests were wrong. Anyway, I hope it lasts many years.
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Mae~I am sitting here smiling. I am pleased that you're having such a good day. I myeldalso have days like that, but then I have a heat flash and I am Reminded that the side effects sucks. For me somdays it can run in blocks, I wake up feeling good and then wham. I am not as good and need a nap. I am happy number 6 is beyond you! Way to go!! I hope you continue on this path of feeling so great for many years as well my friend ! Hugs ~M~
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Good Friday morning! DH cooked me some yummy edible brownies and they do relax me wonderfully! I recommend trying them to anyone who has some nauseous issues. I had a lovely night hanging with my DH watching television and just chilling. It's a cloudy one. DH wants to take a ride. I find myself not even wanting to go outside sometimes. If I hide in my house then maybe this really hasn't happened To me And my family. Screw youcancer. Any other time I would be going someplace this weekend. Hiking and driving all Day trips and weekend jaunts. Now the only jaunt I feel like is getting my nap in. Have a good Friday ladies. Hugs ~M~
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Happy weekend. Spending time with my DH. Hope everyone is ok. Claudia? Keetmom? Back yet? Mae~ hope are rads are going ok for you! Do you get. Breaks on weekends. Miss and love Nan!
Hugs guys. Anything good you did this weekend ? Hugs and prayers! ~M~
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I don't know what is with me today. I am very sad today. I get into these tail spins that I can't get out of. I hate this disease. Every single show I watch has to have a couple in it. Has to involve sex. I hate myself and how I look now so why on earth would I want to remind myself of that?!? I am a shell, broken and left behind on the beach from a strong wave leaving me behind,alone. I don't know how long I have. I just am lost even inside my life and even when I am laying In his arms. All I can think about it that there is an almost certainty that someone else will be there at some point soon. I die inside over and over again with this thought. It's like why wait? Why am being tortured this way loosing slowly and still being so mentally being sharp to know what's going on? Why would I want to remain feeling like a place holder for something else that will be taking my place when I am gone. Who can really feel loved and safe when you're going to be replaced.? Only at some point to be forgotten? . Someone else gets to live in my Place, I get to die. What a great life this turned out to be. Why on earth would I want to continue to suffer when I already know the ending. To me It just seems cruel.its mental torture for anyone to have to go through. I am so broken inside of my body and my heart so basically I am left with nothing. Just nothing. If I really think about it. I am so lost and feel so alone. Even in a room filled with people. Those people aren't sick. In five years their All Still Going to be Sitting in the same place talking. But I'll be gone. How is any of that fair ? My home, I worked hard for. My family. I raised since birth. My DH I searched a life time. Gone in one lump. One day. One second. One lifetime. For what? It's just unspeakable really. Hope everyone else is doing better. ~M~
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We got home at 3 am...drove all 20 hours in on day, nice thing is we have today to get back to reality and still have tomorrow...it was a LONG ride..but it was great to sleep in our own beds..
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Micmel,
I am so sorry you are feeling sad today. I'm not married so I can't relate exactly to your grief over imagining someone else with your husband but I do know what it feels like to be erased from my old life. I am trying to adjust to this new normal but really I want my old normal back most of the time!
Maybe I have a very optimistic oncologist but she told me last fall that I might live a good life for several years even though I was "grossly metastatic." So far she has been right for these past 11 months. You might outlive your husband-seriously! None of knows our future but since you reported that your tumor markers are down, why not hope for the best? The best way to fxxx this cancer is to live today with gusto, the best that we can, and not let cancer ruin days that could otherwise be perfectly good. I am glad you are planning a getaway with your DH in October.
I really related to an older post of yours of not wanting to go back to your old health club-but maybe until the weather breaks you can exercise indoors at home-running in place, to videos, etc until you can get back out there jogging. I wish you all the best. ((Gentle hugs)).
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Micmel, I'm sorry you're having such a down day but your not a place holder, your impact on people has nothing to do with your lifespan. DH and I have had dogs for many years, at one point we had 6, mom, dad and 4 babies, we kept and raised them all and now have only one. The first born was a boy we named fat and I adored him. He used to stare at me with the sweetest eyes, I was his whole world. He had a rare disease and had to be put to sleep a few years ago after he refused to take IV fluids and eat, he was 10 years old. Our connection wasn't dog/owner, it was soul to soul and I am still heartbroken. Ive had dogs before and after him but he was never a placeholder, he was extra special. He was and still is beloved.
As for me, I'm very well, work and radiation have kept me busy. Today I'm cleaning as my dough rises, making homemade pizza tonight.
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Chicago~ welcome and hello. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts with me. It really is such a shitty disease to have to deal with. I appreciate your kind words and needed to read something like that , and there your post was so thank you for that. I used to go to the gym every week roughly five days a week and and hour and half work out with 6 miles running and weight training. I was a tank. I don't feel like Telling everyone what is going on, and say no I'll Never be done treatment! Then one day a lump appeared? Then my life as I knew it was in my memory only and that's where it still is. The cancer kills you and The treatments steal your youth and beauty and self esteem and every other thing that is good.i try hard to keep a good attitude but somedays it just hits me. And I hear myself saying out loud "I have cancer " it's like it's not real even after all this time. But it seems like we are fighting long but 18 mons compared to decades I could loose. Makes me so mad. That I just can't function sometimes because I am so gutted from this diagnosis! I hope you will come Around and pull up a seat here and join us! We scream cry yell share comfort each other and all genuinely care for each other. Hugs to you !
Keetmom~ you go girl. I am so envious of Your trip. How is Emma doing.? And mom? You a tired bear or what? Back to reality, loved your beach pics and thanks for taking us along With you. You were like our weekend beachside update reporter!! Lol.
Hugs and much love ~M~
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Thanks Micmel for the welcome and the hug. I used to be really fit myself but now I am too self-conscious to go to the yoga classes I loved because I can't do half of what I used to. But I practice alone at home, and day by day am making slow progress. Today I decided to risk taking a hike with a "meet-up" type of group b/c I have been getting stronger. I was able to do the 10 miles but was so far behind the rest of the group-no one waited so I was hiking the whole time by myself. So I can definitely relate to wanting my old body back but I am trying to appreciate this new body which is trying so hard to be well and healthy again.
Hope the rest of the weekend is good!
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Emma is doing good..we did have one incident of vomiting while on vacation, I am wondering about Gaul Bladder..I will call her NP next week. I'm good, just tired today...don't do well on 4 hours of sleep, so I will be in bed soon catching up on dvr...
I SO agree with Chicagoan, its tough but try to live for today, I will be honest with you if you had told me 7 years ago Emma would still be with us, and not just that thriving...I wouldn't have believed you, but she is....we have never talked what ifs with her and I am sure that has a lot to do with it, because on paper she shouldn't be doing as good as she is...but she shocks the medical professionals...0 -
Chicago ~ Its a hard pill to swallow. But how awesome is that, that you're hiking ten miles? !! I am in awe, that is quite an accomplishment! I am going to get out and try to walk a lot when the weather gets cooler outside, and the leaves start to turn. I love the crisp air. Not to mention the crazy ass heat flashes, with this heat! I am inspired by you and your ability to even go hiking at all. Honestly wow! Before summer I was jogging roughy 11 to 13 miles a week. But then the heat came and not so much. What is it that you do to be able To hike like that. ??
Keetmom~I am happy that Emma is doing well. That's so important, I am so glad your family took that vacation together! I am also looking forward to going away in October. I just hope I continue to feel good, I realize my issue is more emotional and centered around my husband. Thank you for the advice, god knows you and your family have so very much to deal with. I realize I am still feeling grief over the entire last year. Basically it's been a fog. You mentioned Emma got sick? Is she feeling better now? I hope!!!?
Much love all ~M~
Claudia 💜
Nan💕
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Mae ~your post snuck in there. I see the doggies !!! I always wanted one!!😌😌💜of the bulldogs!! THey are precious little guys. I wish I had enough property to have a rescue facility and help dogs. It makes me so sad to loose them. They do feel like family. I know I can't be replaced per say. But I just don't want to share my most special closest person in my life. They say that one is cliche. But For me. It is honestly truthful. I believe it is for you and your DH too! Great on the radiation! Number 7!? This Monday? 💐 ~M
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I think when I was diagnosed, if I think back to that horrible time when the humming was still in the back round and I saw the doctors lips moving. If I search back I remember little tid bits of warnings for things that could happen as a result of the actual Treatments. Lymphedema, other primary cancers , nerve damage, bone breakage due to lack of hormones. Which we can't avoid. We have to take the Medicine. If we don't the doctors look at us like we are nuts. If the cancer can't be cured then why bother. It's only prolonging the suffering of so many, that even think they have beaten the evil "C" when I only believe it's dormant someplace else laying in wait. They really never explained very much to me. Even the port, that I realize I'll never be with out. Another parting Gift that I didn't ask for but received. Only until I had a problem (lymphedema) were they like oh yeah we mentioned this originally. Oh right you mean that Nano second of a mention during the worst time of my life??. Who would Have thought to make the actual patient or care givers really understand what to look for? They just don't take enough time to explain the possibilities and educate us on what is happening to our bodies. Not theirs. Our bodies. We are like cattle in and out. Next time you are at your oncs office. Look around. There are so many people dealing with cancer. What is causing it???Environmental? The food we eat? Are they injecting the animals we eat with un natural hormones? Something is happening. For sooo many people all over the world are having this happen to them. Otherwise healthy people ?!! It doesn't make sense !! Grrrr so annoying ! Have the best Sunday possible. ~M~
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I hope everyone had a good weekend! This is my week off of ibrance. Wednesday I get my XGeva shot and blood work. I hate walking into the cancer center after not being there since last month. The smells just get me. I usually do pretty good on my week off! But theshot makes me so tired for a few days after. I will take the week off and feeling good. Hope everyone is ok today! Hugs ~M~
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...... I very much agree with this wholeHeartedly ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ ~M~
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.....for anyone dealing with this. I know what it's like. I'll be heading there tomorrow for blood work and my Monthly shot of XGeva. I hope everyone knows the support here is real. Love you all hope everyone is ok. Starting to worry !!!
I think someone should hand you a manual on how to go through cancer without not Wanting to strangle someone or feeling like taking a long jump off of a short pier!
Mae ~ hope your radiation is going well. Hug the doggie for me please. ~M~
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On my way soon to bloodwork and my XGeva shot. Yuck another constant reminder of what I have inside me. I sleep and try to eat. Sometimes cry, sometimes I don't know where I went wrong or what road I went down to end up in Cancerville. There were no directions. No signs,nothing except a small bump. Then it was a pothole. Now I can't get back to my home Base of sanity and feeling normal. I used to love to drive to the gym. Thinking how happy I was and how much I was settling into my age and my life finally was what I wanted it to be. I am still in such shock when I see pictures of who I used To be. It makes me so mad. I have no emotional strength at all. Talking to myself about wills and arrangements. Even though they haven't said anything like that. Other then the all too willing stats they present you with and end "with its treatable". But don't tell You the treatment knocks you into oblivion on some days. They don't tell you that The AI's suck the stability from your bones and joints and all you can do is sit by and watch and wait and worry. The three W's. You can tell Me how precious life is and I agree it is. But when you're handed this type of diagnosis, can we even apply that to our lives anymore? Maybe someone else's life is precious, but now a days mine are spent alone, stuck, having a perfectly good mind? But a waining body that struggles to keep up with the slightest activity. Equipped with the knowledge that I have cancer. The knowledge that today won't be the last blood draw or XGeva shot. That I have to keep going Back to that place that it all Started over a year and half ago. My worst fear. Anyone's worst fear. Has happened. There is nothing I can do about it. Nothing.
Claudia and Nan~worriedabout you guys. Hope all is ok and I love you guys
Keetmom~hope you're recovered from your awesome trip. I am so envious of your energy and stamina! You're a wonderful Mother and person. Love you too.
Mae~ I am guessing round 8 or 9 by now. Of radiation You're our room trooper! Show us how it's done!!!! Give us some of your ssuper strength!! Do you ever feel down or weak? Ive never seen a hint of that from you. It makes me jealous lol that I am so pathetic.
Chicago~hope all is well with you as well. I can't believe the summer is already basically over that kinda sucks. But I love fall. Maybe because I sweat for a living now. Hugs to everyone. ~M~
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Good morning ladies!
Today is rads #9 and I do feel better than I rightfully should. I appreciate my normalcy but it also confuses me (why don't I hurt, could docs be wrong, etc) and I hate to see so many others in pain. I attribute my upbeat attitude to having low expectations generally and remembering that things could always be worse.
Have a good day all
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Good luck today Micmel with your Xgeva shot. I had mine on Monday-there was a new tech who was really great-it was painfree and she talked to me like I'm a normal person which I always like! Hope your experience is good today too.
Illimae-hope your rad treatment is short and sweet and does its work.
I'm feeling good today. I started swimming again in August at the park district pool. First time I warned the life guard-I just said I hadn't swam in a long time. I did have to stop in the middle of each lap-they are 50 yards long but I felt good and free. Yesterday was my fifth time and I made it through every lap without stopping so it gave me a lift. After all my spinal mets it feels good to swim-like things are getting put back to the right place.
Hope that everyone has a good day with some nice surprises and blessings!
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Mae~ I always enjoy your positivity and I am hoping it's contagious. lol I need some of that. I always hear people say attitude is everything and I agree when I look atyou and your attitude and uplifting tones all the time. I think It is wonderful that you feel so great !! Mine I know is more mental, Because I have very little pain. I just miss the way I used to be, but we all know we as human beings aren't really good at change. I know I am not. Especially one this harsh. I hope #9 goes smoothly and you continue down this road of good feeling!! Hugs!! To you !!
Chicago~ good afternoon! I used to love to swim. When I was in middle school and high school,I was in the water show and was in the pool for hours at a time. It is very full body activity, if I had a pool, I would be in it daily! Shot is over and done with. Didn't hurt at all, just hate the port access smells. So I learned just not to breathe until they were finished!i also had a good nurse as well. She did a Good job and it was fine! Just hope my meds prep was adequate enough to prevent joint and body aches! I hope you all have a great day. Much love. ~M~
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Micmel-Glad your shot went well! Fingers crossed for no joint or body aches. Hope you have a good afternoon.((Hugs))
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Chicagoan, congrats on the swimming! I love love love the water, can't wait to get back in after rads.
Micmel, the port access smells don't bother me but the taste of the saline does, I have a bag of sugar free candy with me and pop one as they unpack their kit.
Things are changing and happening fast today. I picked up DH who is in town for work today and had planned to go to Austin Friday for a retirement party but Tropical Depression Harvey won't have it! I'm already getting work related texts and the Austin trip is cancelled. I work on contracts in the transportation industry, so flooded roadways are a big deal for me, when the emergency operations center is activated, I am on high alert but waiting. I prefer to be in low stress mode but can't sit back and watch others struggle to do the things I know so well. Ugh, gonna be a busy week/weekend.
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Its a beautiful day here in WI...it is in high 60s with no humidity. Back for Taxol tomorrow and my Xgeva shot..thinking we will scan in 3 weeks..feeling pretty good though, started back in my stay strong class today...
Stay safe Mae..
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Keetmom~so nice to see you. Glad You're recovered from your trip. I so much want to start my running again butthe weather is a bit too hot for my liking. Good luck at your class. Way to go !
Chicago~ hope your day is pain free. And in the pool!
Mae~ great idea for the mint snacks. I think I'll try that next month!! Thanks. I can't believe the Summer is over. How many rads are you having? Sorry if I asked that before !?
Claudia~ really hope you're ok. Miss you and Nan lots !! ~M~
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Hi all, I feel like I have been gone forever! We have so much going on with our yard upgrades, especially since the original plan had to be completely scrapped. Honestly, the stress had been horrible, 4 migraines in a week last week, 2 of them the worst I have had in decades. But today, feeling better and the projects are taking shape. I think we might make our end of year deadline.
Mae, you stay safe. ok. So glad rads are going well. You may be like I was...I went for weeks feeling great, then one day I woke up and felt like I had been hit by a Mack truck. I got to do that day and they all said finally, we have been waiting for the fatigue to hit. I would puncture the tires on that Mack truck for you if I could!
Keetmom, so glad your vacation was good and so incredibly jealous of your beautiful weather!
Chicagoan, I was so happy to see swimming brings you the same feeling of freedom I have. It seems like nothing hurts in the water and we could swim forever, with little breaks, of course! It's so great you found that pool! Now that we have ours, I always want to invite everyone over to enjoy it with me!
Micmel, have you thought about getting out more? I know its taxing, but what about a yoga class. Restorative yoga is easy on the body and you will feel like a new person afterwards. Also, what about having friends over for lunch, or going out to lunch? Do you belong to a church? Could you maybe do something there? What about a book club, I know you like to read? Do you have a community pool in your area, or a YMCA? Swimming and water aerobics are awesome! Before we built our pool, we had the rubber ones from big lots, we would get a new on every year and I would get in and do water aerobics and float. I loved it! Wal-Mart has them marked way down now. A thought. Can you go with Dh when he is out of town? Im just offering suggestions because honestly, it sounds like you are alone too much and that making it harder for you! Please know im not criticizing or making light of your feelings. I had this same problem awhile ago when Dh was traveling all the time. It got pretty bad until I started forcing myself to get out of three house and find things to do. I hope your xegeva shot is not bad today, I can honestly say that I don't miss those.
Did you see deadliest catch last night? Omg, I cried! Do you think Jake will make it back next year? Or Sig? So beautiful, what they did for Jonathan!
Hugs and prayers everyone,
Claudia
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