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Jun 11, 2019 12:12AM
Jun 11, 2019 01:30AM
Sorry. Sorry. Gotta say it. Why in the name of god does anyone feel they have to hide their feelings of anger, pain, exhaustion, fear, WHATEVER, from the people in the house? Do you live in a house of stupid people? Too stunned to deal with an emotion? Are they emotionally and mentally crippled? Weak ethically? Dim-witted? Are they all pathetic and self centred and if you express something unpleasant or uncomfortable, will they all dissolve into useless puddles of gunk? When did it become your job to shield them from REAL LIFE? Because cancer is pretty friggin REAL LIFE. And real death. And all the real thoughts that go along with that. Cancer involves real treatment and real pain and real effects, lifelong and otherwise. And we should slink off to the shower to cry so no one can see our tears? OHMYGODICAN'TEVENBREATHERIGHTNOW!!!!
I will not be a martyr. There is no special place in heaven for martyrs. I will not be a liar. There is no place in heaven at all for liars. I am not going to mask anything so later my family members can feel that they failed me, a feeling that I prime and set them up for if I wander around like a mechanically smiling, tight lipped, agony filled bullshitter, spreading a thin veneer of "I've got this all together." No! No! This is an EVIL and UGLY thing to do to the people you love. Unless you don't actually love them. And you think of them as incredibly stupid and useless. And harbour the idea that being a long suffering saint will somehow save you. It won't. It just breeds a dragon in your house. A big, ugly, soul-sucking dragon that devours you all. It's called Unspoken Truths. It's called Not Saying How You Really Feel. It's called Pretending Everything Is OKay when Nothing Is. It is its own sickness. If you can't tell your kids and partners that you're scared and sad they can't tell you they're also scared and sad. Great dynamic! Real family closeness in that brittle, artificial, delicate, might break at any moment tightrope you're all walking - pretending nothing is wrong. When you can't talk to your family, they can't talk to you and that's how that cookie crumbles and if that is the aim ... then cry in the shower.
We don't spend all day every day walking around here boohooing that I had cancer. But when it gets me down, I don't pretend that I'm all happy happy fun joy. Why the fuck would I?! So my Hub gets to forget something that I myself NEVER frickin forget? Aww, wouldn't that be so selfless and loving of me? Sacrificial, really, to bear all the burdens on my own life. Well to hell with that! Sacrificial goats never came to a good end, sacrificial ANYTHING never came to a good end and no gods were ever appeased no matter how many children were hurled into lakes or burnt on altars. So ... DO NOT sacrifice yourself with fake silence and insincere smiles. Do not shuffle off to cry in the shower. Do not hide that you are mortal and afraid for your life, afraid of all that you will lose and miss out on if you die. Let your family KNOW that what you fear losing is them, them them. Let them see you cry. Let them see you be bitchy and unfocused. Then, when you get over it, because we all do, we have to, let them see that you carry on anyway. Or let them see you stay in bed. But for the love of god, LET IT BE REAL.
Edited to add: This rant is not aimed at any one person. This is not an attack against anyone individually. This is a rant against the idea that people have to keep a stiff upper lip and hold the family together by denying their own pain blah, blah, blah. But this is NOT directed at any person. It is this belief, idea, notion, phsychological mindset that I am raling against. Not any individual To be clear.
3/23/2017, IDC, Left, 2cm, Stage IIB, Grade 2, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
4/12/2017 Lumpectomy: Left; Lymph node removal: Sentinel
7/5/2017 Whole-breast: Breast
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