Worst Thing Someone Said To You?
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The absolute worst thing ever said to me on the evening of the day I received my diagnosis was from the man I have been involved with for five years. Upon hearing my dx, he was very annoyed and said, "Well, it's your own fault for smoking and not getting a regular mammogram." He has since communicated with me that he wants to do a "life mask" of the breast I am inevitably going to lose "because I want to remember how beautiful it is." Subsequently, a day later, he e-mailed me the following day to advise that he is seeing someone else because "I can't deal sexually with someone who has been maimed." Needless to say, I have ceased all communication with him and have "kicked his sorry a___ to the curb" - figuratively, of course!
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Britt, I might have done it literally.
otter
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Hi, Otter - believe me, I was tempted! But he is not worth it in the least . . . not worth damaging my expensive Manolo stilettos . . . ok, ladies, has anyone else out there received such a heartless response from a significant other (or even in this case an insigificant other?) I am conducting a survey here . . . Blessings to all! Britt
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Britt, I'm right there with Otter. What a collosal jerk. Hugs to you.
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Kilos of thanks, Huneb . . . thanks for the hugs and I am sending them back to you . . .
Blessings! Britt
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Holy Crap Britt, that is the most insensitive thing I have ever heard. Bad Karma will come around and get that man. I am sure of it.
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Yes, I must admit that was definitely the worst of any reaction I have heard to date - and yes, I believe in divine retribution, and he shall get his. What is ironic is that he is a prostate cancer survivor and one would have thought he would be a tad bit compassionate. But thanks for your good wishes and good luck to you - all of you are in my prayers - Blessings - Britt.
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Hi All,
Britt-l think you should have literally kicked his a__ to the curb especially with his past medical hx.
I think sometimes people just don't know what to say and when they do say something it ends up being totally moronic.
When l told my sister, she kept saying she didn't believe me, even after l showed her my biopsy scar she kept saying that. l gave her sometime to digest all the info and since then, she has probably been my second biggest support person, second only to my hubby. She now comes with my husband and l to info sessions and even the odd dr appt. When l hit my lowest point, it happened with her and she was the one to bring me back up, reminded me of how important l was.
Now l will admit, l have read some pretty awful things said to some of you. Probably 99% of those people should be cut out of your support group and some even out of your life. But with those odd ones you think would have been more supportive, give them time to digest , they may come back and be your biggest support person yet.
I wish you all the best support people possible!
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Thanks - I do have some great support people - friends, my sisters and particularly my mother and all of the great ladies I am meeting on this website . . . but I agree . . . I think some people are absolutely flummoxed when they hear that a friend of theirs or someone they know or a relative is diagnosed with "The Big C" - I think it scares them and sometimes they go into denial and sometimes they say the most asinine things. So I am trying to be patient and understanding if that occurs - but I must admit that my now ex-boyfriend is not among them. He is very narcissistic and like the sun, everyone must revolve around him. So as I am determined to surround myself with positive, caring people, he is most definitely OUT . . .
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I'm surprised I haven't seen this thread before now ... but I have a pretty good insensitive comment too. A woman I had recently become acquainted with through our participation on the board of a nonprofit organization (an organization, btw, that advocates inter-cultural sensitivity and community service) told me, when she found out I would be having a bilateral mx with implant reconstruction, "Oh, I got implants 3 years ago, and it's the best thing I ever did -- you'll love them!" I wrote it off as someone who just doesn't really understand what this is all about and thanked her for her concern.
OK, now the really funny part -- she was the new chairperson of the communication committee on this board, and I'm a member of the committee. We were having great difficulty with her because she wasn't communicating with the committee AT ALL, so I finally took on the role of spokesperson for the rest of the committee and told her that we were all very concerned that her lack of communication with us was going to cause problems. I was very diplomatic, even though I wasn't thinking that way.
She got SO offended that she immediately blocked me in all instant message apps we were on, never again responded to another email from me, and ultimately quit her board position about 2 months later. I hope she never gets BC, because if she ever ran into any of the kinds of comments I'm seeing here from all of you, she'd probably have to just crawl into a hole and never come out!Sheila
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Grin and Brea it - that is one of the all time, laugh-out-loud great lines:
"lots of people are living with cancer all the way up until they die"!
Thanks - that made my day!
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I have not been diagnosed but I am waiting for the biopsy results. If the biopsy comes back okay, which I have that gut feeling that it will not be good, my doctor is recommending a mastectomy anyway. High risk reasons.
Anywhoo...after explaining all of this to my sister she said that her friends mom had a mastectomy for high risk, still ended up getting BC and DIED anyways. She said "Why bother with the surgery if you'll get breast cancer anyway?" I told her that her friend's mom passed away like 18 years ago. I said that medicine has come a long way in the past 18 years! Her response was "Sounds like a lot of hassle for nothing!"
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Britt,
I agree that the man earned a literal kick to the curb, not just a figurative one, but at least he let you know who he is now, before you are in a position of depending on him for physical needs like food, and transportation, and while you are still in a position to make arrangements to get help from other places. You are now able to line up friends/relatives or even paid agencies if necessary that you can really count on to help you through treatment.
Gentle hugs.
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One on the worse things said to me came from my own breast surgeon. It was at my appt to find out IF I had breast cancer. (And of course scared out of my mind with fear!) All alone...no one was with me for support.
My surgeon tells me that I do have breast cancer and he thinks its in my nodes too but after surgery he will know more. Out of shock I say to him, "I'm only 48 yrs old & I don't have any history of cancer in my family". Then I went on to say, "I always thought if I died from something it would be a heart attack since my Dad died at the early age of 36 from a massive heart attack."
So my surgeon looks right at me with this really big smile and says, "Well...you already have 12 yrs on your Dad". Then he turns around and laughs out loud as he is leaving the exam room.
(Maybe its just me...but I did not think that was funny then...nor do I now 2 yrs and 10 months later!) I have learned to expect dumb things out of people that just don't have a clue as what to say...but out of a breast surgeon that has been doing this for a GOOD 30 plus years....come on.
Chelee
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Britt, it sounds like you hit the nail on the head when you say your ex is narcissistic. Narcissists typically have to have what they think of as a "perfect" partner because, of course, they deserve nothing less (in their minds). I'm glad he showed his true colors in time for you to not be in a position where you were relying on him.
Sheila
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I have posted this before, probably even on this thread, but it always makes me laugh.
Clueless friend: "Where do you park when you go in for your chemo?"
Me: "Thankfully, DanaFarber has a parking facility with discounted rates for patients, so finding parking isn't a worry."
Clueless friend: "LUCKY!" (with obvious envious tone, a la Napoleon Dynamite.)
Granted, parking is a huge issue in downtown Boston, but still!
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Wow Britt, When someone shows you who they really are believe them, and it looks like you did good for you. Twice in my life I had something very much like that happen when I need them the most they let me down... and both over time they wanted me back... Well I guess saying your not physically perfect any more is easier to say then the truth ie (I am not a real man. I am a boy, I am shallow so shallow that I would have to climb a ladder to look a snake in the eye..) One think I have learned is Breast Cancer is not for the faint of heart. I can see your heart is anything but faint. Good luck, and good strength. Nice that you ran the garbage disposal makes the air a little cleaner to breath.
Melody
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Hi - love your name and really love your pug - my favorite breed! Thanks for responding. As the days go by, I am feeling a lot better about this situation - rather cleansed, actually. So comforting to know I am not alone in all of this . . . not looking forward to potentially losing one or both breasts - I have a battery of tests next week including breast MRI - my type of surgery will be contingent upon the results. It's a lot different for us single gals when we are going through this. I keep thinking, what man is going to want me ever again? Well, thanks for allowing me to vent and I wish you the very best and all blessings towards your treatment!!!!
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Britt ~ The man who will want you in the future, no matter what you decide about bc surgery, will be a real man who is not focused on what is less than perfect with anyone physically, but one who is self-assured and sensitive and caring, and hopefully everything you truly deserve. It sounds like the jerk (sorry) you were with may have wanted out of the relationship anyway to bolt so fast, so, hard as it is to swallow, you haven't lost much there except a warm body.
Also, if it turns out that you need a mast or bi-lat mast, you may be pleasantly surprised at how far reconstruction has come. It's not nearly as disfiguring as in years past, and depending on your situation and preference, there are several very good options. I'm thrilled with my Diep flap reconstruction (although it was a long surgery + recovery), and I've seen implants that honestly look fabulous.
Take care ~ Deanna
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Britt-- Hear hear to Deanna! Those are wise words! I do know what you mean about being single--I'm in a fairly new relationship, and while it feels very strong, I still worry that BC and treatment may be too much for a new relationship to bear...It's probably the best relationship I've ever had, and I realy don't want to lose it--don't think I will, but...yeah, anyway.
You're an awesome woman and don't forget it!
Martha
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Hello, Ladies!
What I am about to share is so incredibly bizarre that it is almost amusing.
It concerns the man who ended our relationship due to the upcoming surgery and finding "someone else." Via e-mail, he apologized yesterday. No, I am not going back to him.
He is a professional photographer and very much into his "art."
He did propose yesterday - and I hope you are all sitting down - that he do a "photographic study" of my breast cancer treatments from beginning, middle to end - taking a picture before surgery, following me into the MRI chamber to take a pix of that, and accompanying me to all other treatments to also take pix. And also being there with my surgeon when she discusses the results to take a picture of me as I react. He also wants to take the "afterwards" pix -uggh - he did suggest I write the captions and we may have a book.
After kicking him to the curb (figuratively,and I may do so literally!) once again, I told him I am keeping my own journal and will write my own article or book about this ordeal, and I did NOT need his photographs nor his presence nor anything about him to assist me in this regard.
Apparently his new little honey presented him with his walking papers. I discovered that delicious little nugget of information from a mutual friend.
Now really, how incredibly morbid and self-serving can one be!!!!!
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Just another - this time brief - note to thank all of you on this post who have offered their kind advice, support and comisseration!!!!!
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OMG, Britt. Your story made me think of something Jennifer Anniston said about Brad Pitt after he did that W photo spread with Angelina very early in their relationship. Do you remember? She said that he was "missing a sensitivity chip." Oh, my.... What can anyone say about your ex-bf's book proposal? It's so beyond comprehension! I am just shaking my head in amazement. You deserve so much more than someone who views what you're going through as an artistic/money-making project! I'm proud of you for not letting him back into your life. (((Hugs))) Deanna
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Hi, Deanna -
Loved your reply! Yes, definitely missing the "sensitivity" chip! Thanks for the hugs and I'm sending them back to you! Maria
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Good grief, Britt -- and I bet you were supposed to fall on your knees in thanks for his selfless offer.LOL If you have to kick this guy to the curb anymore, you're going to be so good at those kicks you could try out for the Rockettes.
Deanna, I love the "missing a sensitivity chip" comment too -- I can think of a man or two I could apply that phrase to as well!
Sheila
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Britt
You are so much better off without this a@#hole! When I hear things like this, it makes me glad I got rid of MY idiot long before I was diagnosed. So much easier to go through it alone than with somebody who makes you feel lousy about yourself.Take Care-Jeri
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Unbloody believable! What goes around.....and when it comes around is he in for the biggest. ..... Wish I could be there. Hang in there Britt, you are beautiful inside and out and will still be after your tx. After deailing with him you can do and survive anything.
Hugs, HB
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My mom called me yesterday and told me that my cousin said well, you're kids are grown and your husband is dead so if you die at least you don't have anything to worry about. What???!!! Idiot!
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So sorry Jadai, it seems the world is full of them. It hurts alot when we are related to them, it did me, so gentle hugs to you. I am sorry, but I could also slap your mom for passing on the info. My 3 of my sisters have been very hurtful, so I know of what I speak. I'm thinking of you, take care HB
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A friend of mine has, shall we say, interesting spiritual beliefs. He doesn't believe in medical science, and is using naturopathic treatments for his lung and heart problems. So, he asked me if I'd made up my mind about treatment. I said yes. Then he asked if I'd considered doing nothing at all. NO!!! I had not EVER considered that. My aunt did that for two long, and lost the gamble.
Another person keeps telling me how I should feel about it. Not asking me how I feel, but telling me.
An online friend keeps bringing up death, and how once I'm ready to die, the rest of the process won't be so hard.
I just shake my head in wonder and dismay.
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