Worst Thing Someone Said To You?
Comments
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Gryffin Song,
I'm glad you have that attitude. You are curable! It sounds like your cancer was caught early by the stage, grade and size. Ignore everyone else, they always have something to say! Keep a positive attitude and keep coming here for advice and support. Best of luck to you!
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A couple of weeks ago DD (just turned 20) made a comment something to the effect of 'when you're in the home with tubes in your nose...' (and she wasn't joking; she was very angry at them time.) I was so hurt, I couldn't speak. Later on, I got my 'dig' in and reminded her about her comment. Her response? "It wasn't my best moment." The rest of the weekend, she was "sweet" and acted as if nothing happened. Its been 2 weeks and I haven't gotten over it.
I'm sure she doesn't begin to realize... When I would go to chemo, I would just lose it when I saw an "old-looking" woman pushed in in her wheelchair with its little oxygen sidecar. (And of course felt guilty to boot for the reaction.) On more than one occasion, DH saw me hurriedly head for the restroom, knowing that I would sit in a stall and cry until I could pull myself together. (DD never saw that.)
I think that by the time you're 20, you had best realize that there is no "undo" on the crap you let fall out of your rotten pie-hole. I'm sure she's forgotten all about it. I'm sure I will NEVER forget it. I want to constantly remind her of her cruelty every chance I get. I feel that my relationship with her has irrevocably changed. I don't even want to see her.
Beth
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When I read your post it brought back memories of someone I considered a very good friend, a Christian. Two days after I came home from surgery, she came to visit, she proceeded to tell me I must have been a very bad evil person during my life, because God was now punishing me.
She has since lost her husband, he developed a very bad infection after falling out of a tree, and she herself had a heart replacement, I could have had a field day going to see her, but I kept my remarks to myself
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I was at work wearing my wig when a coworker came up behind me and said "I just love your wig and want to buy one! It looks so 60's! Can I flip you wig in the back and see the style number and manufacturor?"
To which I said "Touch my head and I will have to take you down". She thought I was being funny but I was absolutely serious. She scurried away. OY VEY!
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One more...a store clerk said that it was entirely about thinking positive. She said her church member thought so positive that she beat stage 5 breast cancer. Stage 5? Yea.
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Beth ~ I just wanted to comment on the situation with your DD, who, I agree with you, is old enough to take responsibility for her words. On the other hand, left as it is, you are the one who is bitter, and that resentment cannot be good for your health. I could be way off base here, but after thinking about it, I think I would be inclined to at least write her a letter, explaining how difficult this is for you to go through, and telling her how hurtful her words were. Obviously, I don't know your relationship with your daughter, if it's salvagable, if she's just young and still coachable re. life. But, I do know that leaving it the way it is and "never forgetting it," has got to be bad for your emotional well-being, which in turn impacts your physical health. So, my thought is that getting it off your chest by writing it down might be a good thing for your own emotional health, and if she takes it to heart, or it opens a door to a conversation that would improve your relationship with her, all the better.
Just my unsolicted 2 cents worth, and I hope you will take it in the concerned spirit in which it is offered. Deanna
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My neighbor a "brainless" ask my husband if I like being flat after having large boobs al my life!!! He had a couple of beers before asking that...but still how stupid!!!! 0 -
Wilma -
Beers or not - that was extremely crass!!!!!! Not to mention tactless, ignorant, moronic and just plain unadulterated idiocy!!!!! Apparently this cretin has empty beer cans in lieu of a brain!!!!
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Jadai -
OMG!!!!!!! I think Dante should have created a special place in the underworld for people who exhibit such heartless insensitivity!!!!! That is one of the worst things I have ever heard. I find it totally amazing . . . that person shall suffer in their own way some day.
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Who Should Get the Prize??
There were so many. The top two are:
My cousin, in her 50s, across the country, that I hadn't seen in years was kind enough to call me every week. She has a PhD from Columbia.
She came east the day after my last rad. I'd been through a mast, 5/18+, stage III, chemo, rad, a lumpectomy, had a TRAM started (and was difficult, even for a worldclass surgeon), my port was very difficult to place (I really messed up my surgeon's OR schedule that day), I could go on ...
We went out to dinner. Before she left to go back to AZ, she asked my mother, "Did Nancy really have cancer?"
Her mother, her father, and my mother all went to the same nusring school. My father was a dentist. I used to work in medical schools. My "gore" level is quite high. Do you think I should send her the pictures of my journey - they're graphic!
OR
My mother- her best one, came from constantly comparings to a woman she knew, who was diagnosed just after me, who had a job when diagnosed, was single, grew up here and had all kinds of emotional and physically help. I'd lost 3 jobs in 5 years, 11 family members in 2 years, did 3 funerals (inc. my dad's), filed for divorce, lost me credit, moved 4x in 3 states in a year (ex-stalking and she wouldn't sign a complaint so I could get an RO), .......
"Tammy has is so much worse than you. Two of her aunts died from it."
Nancy
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I have had two comments that really blew me away. The first I think I posted somewhere (chemo brain is still going strong). A 'friend' told me that she had heard that after chemo your hair always came back curly and that she had always wanted curly hair, so maybe she should have breast cancer and chemo! I told her that I thought a perm was a bit easier!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The second, I was at my Mom's when a friend of hers stopped by. I had some paper work spread out that I was working on and she proceeded to say, "I guess I need to get cancer so I can get alot of work done, you look so busy!" I was speechless and couldn't come up with anything other than No, I don't think you do!
I hope I haven't said such stupid things to people. These comments remind me of a sign I saw many years ago "Do not engage mouth until brain is in gear!"
Kathy
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Got my first one yesterday about an hour before surgery. While it wasn't nearly as bad as most of the ones already posted, it did cut the final thread I was hanging by. I started to cry and couldn't stop until they knocked me out. GRRRR!!!
I was sitting in the obligatory wheelchair next to the bed while the nurse rattled off her game of 100 questions. Some of them have become a standing joke--like the pee test. (I'm ON my period and DH has had vasectomy, if this cup comes back positive I'm suing somebody!) So I was typically flip with a lot of my answers.
The nurse lays down her pen and says, "Wow! You have a great attitude considering what you're about to go through!" Gee. Thanx.
The other one wasn't something said, it was something done. The orderly assigned to push me through the warren of corridors for tests was super nice. Everyone we met in the halls called him by name and had some other nice innanity for him. I was still crying tho and he finally looked at my chart. Across the top in big red sharpie was, "Do not move right shoulder. Surgery 11/20" (I've just had a labral tear repaired on it.) So to comfort me, what does he do? You guessed it. Constant patting on my right shoulder while handing me kleenex I can't stretch to reach.
Why don't ya'll have an eyeroll smiley???
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Hey, Webbie. Been following your saga and glad you are chirpy enough to post today! GRRRRR to all the morons. Hope you're feeling well and that it went well!
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Aw, Webbie... (((hug)))
"...considering what you're about to go through." Sheesh. That woman must have skipped class on the day of the "compassion and sensitivity" lecture.
This isn't a "worst thing" I'm about to tell, but it's relevant to your pee comment. I had my left mast/SNB this past February. I was 55 at the time, and had been menopausal for, oh, (otter is counting...) just over 5 years. That is, no periods whatsoever since January 2003. Oh, and I'd had a tubal ligation 10 years before that, and had managed to stay pregnancy-free (without precautions) in the meantime.
So, I'm standing there in the pre-op cubicle as the nurse is explaining things, and she hands me a hospital gown and ... get this: a urine cup. And she says, "Have you had your uterus taken out?". Um, no. (I'm thinking, gee, I know I'll be losing a boob today, but I hadn't planned on losing a uterus too.) So she says, "OK, then we'll need to have you give us a urine sample so we can do a pregnancy test."
I explained that I'd been tubally ligated 15 years earlier and wasn't pregnant, plus my last period had been 5 years ago. "Doesn't matter," she said. "If you still have your uterus, we'll need to do a pregnancy test."
I sighed at the absurdity of things and said, "Okay, let's say I come back here when I'm 78 for another surgery. Nothing will have changed. Are you going to insist on a pregnancy test then, because I still have my uterus?" She huffed out of the room.
I peed into the cup as instructed, but when the next nurse walked in, I launched into my objections about having to have and pay for a pregnancy test under the circumstances. She smiled, nodded toward the urine cup, and said, "I think we can skip the pregnancy test."
otter
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Okay the pee in the cup thing is getting annoying. I'm ON MY PERIOD people! Hubby has had vasectomy! You tested me THREE days ago just before you cut my body up just enough that the very thought of sex sent me reeling. Do you REALLY need me to bend my aching, sore arms into a toilet to catch a few impossible drops because I haven't been able to eat or drink in a WEEK? Gimme a BREAK!
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I didn't know this post existed or I would have posted this along time ago.
I love the way some people try to make you feel better about chemo but they somehow make you feel worse. This is my new favorite chemo comment....."My grandma did chemo 3 years ago and she just breezed right through it." ...........Of course she did, she was hairless and aerodynamic. She wouldn't even notice a 60 mile an hour breeze. Get your get your granny on the phone I want to know how it really went.
Do they really think that grandma is going to burden them with a play by play of the lack of fluids in her body that cause her calluses to crack and bleed every time she walks across the room to manually change the channel or share with them how many little bottles of eye drops she had to use per week just to see through her bifocals. I can just see dear old grandma telling her grandchildren all about the tear jerking constipation or the "I just couldn't make it to the bathroom" story and last but not least, all about the dry vagina."
Renee
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My favorite is Well you had the surgery and you're all healed aren't you over it yet???? GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!! oh and the infamous "you're cured right?" You didn't die. so you must be ok......I will NEVER be OK again in my life! I have risk of recurrence every single day.........Webbie I am so sorry you had to deal with such heartless ****holes! Hope you are feeling better today...What surgery did you have a few days ago?,,,,,,,,Many hugs to you.....Lucy
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I have a step-daughter that I'm very close too. She moved to Northern CA years before my cancer dx. But not to long after I had my MRM, chemo and a year of herceptin she called me and said, "Chelee, whatever you do don't die before I get down there to see you". (Gee thanks for calling.)
Chelee
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Renee.....Your post really made me think.
My mum was on tamoxifen for 10 years. She died a few years ago at 89.
Ppl ask me how she did on tamoxifen. I always say....fine absolutely no problems.
I live in another state. Now I think of it there is no way she would have told me if she had problems....esp a dry vagina......hmmm
Now I realise that maybe she was just telling me what I wanted to hear.
jezza
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People can say the worst thing and think that they are helping.I believe it's not malice,but a lack of knowing what to say.......I know I've had to hold my temper and take a deep breath many times......I think people mean well,but don't really understand what you are going through and really don't what they are saying themself's.
After my wife and children passed,I had a lady come up to me and say that the pain and suffering my wife was going through with cancer might be too hard on her and that's why the Lord took her,to keep her from suffering.......I wanted to scream at the top of my lung's......If that's case why did he take my children?????????????
I caught myself be for I lost it on this lady that was trying to comfort me,swallowed and walked away.I must admit,although I was brought up to never hit a woman in that second(which seemed like life time) I was scared,angry,hateful..............................................
This lady meant well but didn't realize what she was saying,or didn't stop to think. I'm not making excuses for every stupid thing that people say,but their not in your shoes(thank GOD)and some times people will say the wrong thing without a clue! As hard it is,we have to be forgiving for those that know not what they say,when their intension's are good.I never used to to be the forgiving kind,but then again I was never in this situation before.
As hard of a pill this is to swallow,we MUST for they not what say
norm
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I love this forum! So ok....my signif other's daughter that I just have to mention is 26yrs old....tells me one day when her mother is being a bit horrible and not very understanding..."you know you aren't the only one who is going through alot, this is just as hard for my mom, maybe more so so you need to stop doing this poor poor me I have cancer shit and grow up"
LOL yea this little #$@%%^ actually said this to me. I was in shock. To this day her mother can not figure out why dont want this heartless soul near me....go figure. LOL
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If I hadnt experienced these kind of comments myself, I would never have really believed that other people, in particular other women, could be so insensitive, ignorant and downright rude!!! After all, these are the same people who attend the Girls Night In's and buy pink ribbons and so on during October - however, meet a real life woman fighting breast cancer and it's anything but supportive.
After I was diagnosed, I phoned two 'friends' to inform them. Have not seen or heard from them since.
I have had women I hardly know say "have you got cancer". I have attended a Pink Ribbon Breakfast (and been the only woman there who is battling breast cancer) yet all seats were taken yet no one offered me there seat. Ive had a female cousin say constantly that 'there are no guarantees' and another person who said "do you have any secondary cancer?" Ive had weird stares when wearing my head scarves, as though Im only wearing it to be different, not because I have no hair.
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I hired a close friend to help in my business during my chemo and radiation. She had "boyfriend" troubles and went of the deep end after a couple months. She told her other friends she wished she could get cancer like me so she could die and get it over with. (Tongue in cheek----> I guess it is my fault for making cancer look like so much fun!) I was crushed when I heard this. She is supposed to be my friend and she apparently cannot see how hard this is for me? Needless to say, she is no longer in my employ.
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I have also gotten a lot of these kinds of comments. I am a principal in an elementary school so I am out in public a lot. My assistant who is with me most of my day suggested we adopt a new saying for the year which fits so well here.....You just can't fix stupid! After daily such comments we look at each other and just smile because we are thinking the same thing.
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Mombos,
That sums it up nicely!
Welcome, and sorry you had to join our club. Best of luck to you.
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OK guys,
Here's one for you - Christmas Day, I have everyone over to my house, my husband and I did all the cooking. I have my mother, husband, kids, grandkids, sisters, their significant others and some of their kids (about 30 all together). Middle sister brings her new boyfriend (Sonny) which the rest of us so do not like. I am wearing a cute little hat (can't cook with a wig on) and she says quite loudly "Hey why don't you show Sonny your head, he won't laugh at you" I could not believe it, this is my sister and she is acting like an idiot.I was so mad, I could not even say anything. This whole hair thing has been very hard for me and she knows it. Needless to say I did not speak to her the rest of the day and no I did not show Sonny my head
Joanne
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A very close family member told me that what I am going through is a "process" and they know I will get better, but they would appreciate me keeping what I'm going through to myself. They never ask me how I'm doing or how the chemo is going or what's next. They just say they appreciate that I'm so strong and that I have a beautiful bald head.When planning family celebrations they never ask whether I will be able to host (they just assume) and they never, ever speak of my condition and if I try to speak of it they say, well, this conversation really isn't about you. Period. I feel hurt, but I'm trying to understand that they just cannot handle the situation.
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Its summer here where I am, have noticed that brother (whom I am not close to) will not get in the pool when I am in the pool - coincidence? has been home now for a week. Has not touched me, has not asked me how I am etc etc.
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Oh gad, how awful rubyredslippers. Some men just cannot handle things. Some men think if they don't talk about it, it will go away.
Do you think he is thinking it is contagious?
My grandmother had breast cancer in the early 1950s, and had only sons. I was told (not by my father or uncles) that I was NEVER to mention the words 'breast cancer' or mention any of her surgeries (bilateral radical mastectomy). (Of course breast cancer was more of a life threatening illness then.) I didn't. She lived another 23 years, and died of unrelated causes. Getting her medical history was something else.
I'd feel so awful in your shoes.
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Bumping this thread so that new members can find it, because it's too good to miss!
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