Worst Thing Someone Said To You?
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My mother said " You should have gone in sooner" in a judgemental tone, blaming me.
My ill willed sister said (when I was in the hospital)" I'm soooo GLAD you are here!" (in the hospital!)
and then sent me an email with the name of a low cost funeral home!0 -
i had this guy come up to me in the grocery store and ask if I had pubic hair.
i said 'pluck off donkeyhole' - or something like that.
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I just went for a walk with my neighbor who asked me if I'd lost any weight because it looks like my face is swollen....... AKA..... fat. I wanted to say "bite me you hypochondriac fat cow." I bit my tongue and cut the walk short. I'm up 3 LBS max.
Renee
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These may not be the worst thing anybody has said, but they weren't real intelligent.
1. My boss, who is an 18 year bc survivor, told me the other day that I don't have cancer anymore. They took all of the cancer out when they did the mastectomy. They are only doing the chemo as a precaution.
2. I was recently in the ER for cellulitis. The nurse went through those usual 100 questions. During the question period, she went through the surgeries I have had which included a mastectomy. A couple minutes later she asks, "what kind of cancer do you have?" Uh....breast cancer? I wanted to say, "I have colon cancer, they just did the mastectomy for the practice"
Not said, but still pretty bad....I was surfing e-bay the other day and searched "breast cancer." There were actually listings for little cremation urns (in pretty colors) where people could put their loved ones ashes and carry them on their key chain. Too wierd!
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My sister is 18 years older than me (I am 52). She has always been judgemental and critical of me for as long as I can remember. When I told her I had breast cancer, she didn't show an ounce of sympathy or understanding, just mentioned her own osteoporosis. When I said that she was lucky that she had never got it, she said "but Cathy I never drank or smoked". Also she said to her children "Now you see what happens when someone leads a hedonistic lifestyle". I must mention that though I did drink and smoke, that was when I was young and never that much. I haven't smoked now for 6 years and only smoked a few cigarettes per week, hardly hedonistic! When I said I was terrified to leave my children then 7 and 11 years old (I have a bad prognosis) she said "oh your daughter will be fine, I might worry about your son as h's a bit young". Cold and heartless comments which have kept me awake many a night since. I think I need counselling.
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Irisheyes I am absolutely appalled on your behalf. I know the other remarks are awful, but the one about your kids is the absolute pits. Counselling may be helpful for you - go for it if you can. However there are lots of other women here on this forum who were diagnosed when their kids were young who can understand what you are going through and will be happy to support you. My cancer was caught early but I still felt the terror of leaving my kids - twins who were four at the time. I am really sorry that you have had to put up with those insensitive remarks.
Take care,
Sandy
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Irish - if BC was a punishment a lot more people would have it and it would not be rare at all in men. I agree with Sandy. I love this forum. These ladies are awesome and so are you.
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In October, I had a dental problem. To make a very long story short, the dentist screwed up big time which resulted in my being hospitalized for a week with cellulitis of the chest wall. I contacted two lawyers about a malpractice case and they both told me they would not take the case because they were afraid I would die before it got to settlement. However, when I do die, my family can try a wrongful death suit depending on how long it takes. Comforting, eh?
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Thanks Sandy and kmccraw423 for your replies, very much appreciated. Somehow it feels better having vented, also the comment about "if bc was a punishment, a lot more people would have it and it would not be rare at all in men" made me laugh outright - a good thing! To all you ladies who posted about "comments" I'm sending you warm wishes. Thanks again
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irisheyes ~ Your sister is the one who needs counseling! To be quite frank, that is not the kind of person you want to have around any time, and certainly not now. OMG! I can't believe it! Thank goodness you've come here for a dose of sanity. I hope you will find the voice to speak up and tell her when her comments are ridiculous and hurtful, and if she doesn't make an effort to think before she speaks, you may seriously want to limit your communication with her, if you haven't already. Take good care, and depending on where you are in your treatment, I hope you will find a group here to join for more support ~ Deanna
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Not the stoopidist thing but what planet were they from?
Shortly after I was dx w/ stage 4 (it was the initial dx) and while I was still terrified of everything, I happened to stop by a yoga/healing/relaxation/meditation type place that was always closed whenever I had driven by in the past but on that day happened to be open. This I took as a sign that I was meant to be there that day. I explained that I had be just dx w/stage 4 and was looking for things that could help, to complement the medical treatment. I was so proud that I had managed to get this all out without crying. One of the ladies then asked if I had anything stressful in my life...um besides the cancer? The other explained that once I read this book, which would help me discover what I had done to give myself the cancer (because it was all my fault, they explained), they would develop a program to help me heal... umm ok Thank you for your time, I'll get back to you.
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The night before my double mastectomy, my step-daughter (21), who hadn't even responded to many, many emails saying I needed to see her (she lives 45 minutes away but I didn't want to tell her over the phone), calls and says, "So how are you?" real casual like. (I know my other kids had texted her to keep her up to date.) I said "You know I'm having surgery tomorrow, right?" And she said she didn't know if I wanted to talk about it!
Then, in the hospital when I had to change into a gown the volunteer told me to take off everything. Having just had a lumpectomy, I knew I could keep my underwear on, so I did. I returned to the family room where half of us are in gowns and the other half more stressed than us.
Anyway, the volunteer comes in and stands in front of me and in front of, oh about 50 people, says "Are you the one who kept your panties on?" There was a dead silence as I calmly said "Yes." She said, "Good, oh I also wanted to tell you that I had what you have but only had one breast removed 22 years ago and I'm fine. See, you will be too!"
As it turns out my roommate (rotator cuff) was in the family room at the same time and said that everyone felt so horrified for me. I don't really want the pity, but felt I handled myself well.
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the night before my surgery for double mastectomy, a "friend" asked me, "what are they going to do with your boobs?"
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A friend informed me today that I am losing my eyebrows and eyelashes. I'm glad she enlightened me. Maybe she thought my mirror was broken and I was having 7 years bad luck?
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Just picked up 2 books at the library today- Cancer Etiquette-what to say what to do when someone you know or love has cancer, and The Etiquette of Illness-what to say when you can't find the words. Never knew they were out there but why not? I'll let you all know how they are. Might be something to create a small booklet that would easy to give to folks when diagnosed w/ serious illness. I suppose they don't know what to say and stoopid gets in the way?
Hope today has been a good day for all...Elaine
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Did any of you all feel uncomfortable deciding who to tell? I felt like I was looking for sympathy when I was first diagnosed, like I was broadcasting it. There are still people I haven't seen since I was diagnosed, but when I do, I'm not sure how to gracefully slip it into the conversation. Not saying anything is always an option, but when they do eventually find out, their feelings might be hurt that I didn't tell them. Then again, if this is the only thing I have to worry about, it will be a good day.
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How is the cellulitis coming along Jane? As if we aren't afraid enough of dentists.
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That depends on if you are referring to the dentist-caused cellulitis of the chest which I am still packing with iodoform daily and may postpone my starting rads until it is completely healed or if you are referring to the cellulitis I came down with last week in my leg after I fell down the stairs at work. At least the leg is a closed wound. I am elevating it when I can, and it is very slowly getting better. Nothing is ever easy for me.
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Ok - here's another Absolute Gem from the Male Persuasion . . .
A gentleman whom I date occasionally - noting that I am tall and thin and sport a 34B - commented, "Well, I think you would look great with the androgynous look!" He meant well - but I definitely castigated him for his insensitivity!
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ddlatt -
You should have told that cretin that they would be donated to The Boob Fund!
Idiot!
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Huh, I never thought of it as androgenous, but I guess it is. Interestingly enough, in the last couple of weeks I've allowed my nails to grow and use polish on them which I have never done on a regular basis. Also got my hair done and had her leave it longer (almost to my shoulder). I had told my husband that I didn't want to look butch (sorry if that terms insults anyone, not my intent). I still want to look as feminine as possible. I still feel very pretty...I guess that is important to me, but don't mind my flat chest so far.
I have a feeling that going back to work is going to be like those dreams where you are naked and try to keep people looking you in the eye while you talk so they won't notice!
Back to the surgeon tomorrow for the results, then back to work!
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brit- LOL!!!
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ddlatt - Now, there has to be a Boob Fund somewhere! Perhaps we can create it . . . the Island of Lost Boobs .. . glad I made you laugh!
barbe - good for you! I think looking and feeling feminine is VERY important as we go through this - as least it is for me - and also feeling pretty. I have mixed feelings about a "flat chest" - I suppose it would feel very free - one would feel unencumbered . . . and if I had to get a double mast, I had decided I would not get recon immediately - and perhaps never - just get some foobies . . .
it's such a personal decision and we are all different in that regard -
good luck with your results tomorrow!
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Jane, I am so sorry to hear you are dealing with way too much crap. I hope things resolve enough that you don't have to postpone radiation. Butterfly hugs.
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Good new from surgeon. No more packing the wound with iodoform. I can just let it heal over now and she thinks it will be completely healed for radiation in February and she doesn't want to see me again until mid-way through radiation unless I have a problem. She also told me that I am the only patient she has had going through Stage III cancer, dose dense chemo and all my other "stuff" and still kept working. She thinks that, even though I only have one chemo left, it's going to catch up with me and that I may need to slow down even during radiation. We'll see. I feel so guilty taking time off work.
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Jane- just don't forget to take care of yourself- whatever that means to you. Guilt should not be part of this.
Be well
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ddlatt,
I was also asked what was going to be done with my breast. I looked the idiot straight in the eye and told her I was having it made into a beanie for my husband and was deciding about having a propeller attached to the nipple.
It took a few seconds for the person to decide I was joking.
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Sassa--I love it..great chuckle to start my day!!! Interesting when we say these outragous things and people aren't sure if its true or not. beannie with a propeller, gotta love it.
Brit- Island of lost boobs--- anything like the island of misfit toys, land of the lost? Hey---this is all coming together for a made for tv show
(Sorry not meaning to make anyone uncomfortable)Elaine
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Shortly after I was diagnosed my husband attended a family get together. I had just started chemo and was not up to going....A family member told him to be sure and tell me that if I needed anyone to talk to, just let her know. Her best friends mother had just died of bc and she would be happy to give me her number....its true, you cant fix stupid!
Karen
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So me may say this was a worst thing to say and other may think this was a more postive comment. I see it as a positive.....
My neighbor and good friend of 20 years, came by to visit me.....it was the first time she has seen me topless ( nothing on my bald head), My friend just kept staring at me and then she said >you know you don't look bad being bald, infact you look cute and you still look femine.
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