Worst Thing Someone Said To You?
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One of the major clangers I got was from my M-i-Law, whom I got on fairly well with, once she accepted me as her sons wife. Due to daughters reaction when told I had bc, (If you die, I'm going to kill myself) I took her to in-laws to stay while I was in hospital having mx. I didn't want her to see me with tubes attached or looking sick, and I told M-i-law this reason in no uncertain terms. So the day after mx, I am sitting in chair with drip, drains and accompanying bottles/stands, trying madly to keep my eyes open while DH visited, when who should walk in but in-laws with daughter! I then had to sit up and look like I was having a party.
Another incident while having chemo and wearing the standard billiard ball head covered by a turban, visiting my M-i-law who was in bed, at home, with stage 4 lung cancer. I mentioned that we were setting traditions here with all the females in the family now having had treatment for cancer. Her reply, "You haven't got cancer, I told everyone that there's nothing wrong with you, you're fine." I was utterly speechless and don't think I could even summon an adequate reply today.
Three weeks after my mx, brother, partner and child drove 2.5 hrs to visit us for the weekend. Partner places a large dish of, in her words, 'better than sex' cauliflower soup in my fridge, along with a cheese log, made with spring onions and rolled in crushed macadamias. During the day she keeps on nibbling on crackers with the log liberally spread on top. Later that afternoon, she started groaning while rubbing her stomach and asks brother to come for a walk with her. Bro later informs me that the walk was so that she could 'pass wind' w/o embarrassing herself! For the rest of the evening she was in pain and couldn't help at all with the cooking/cleaning up for nine people! The next morning after passing. . . . .'an uncomfortable' night, she sidled up to me and asked me if I thought she had breast cancer because she had a lump under her arm. WTH? Just as well she didn't hear me think that she wouldn't have to worry about bc killing her because I surely would if she stayed around much longer! I then told her that she had better get to her Dr pronto or she would end up with this, and with that I yanked down my shirt and showed her my red, raw scar. I thought she was going to throw-up her soup she turned so green, so I took a step back.
Where do people get off? I think half the distress we suffer after diagnosis is caused by having to smile and not let rip with appropriate replies to this (and other) types of rank stupidity.
Sheila.
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Hard to believe how stupid some people can be.
I found this and I think it explains it all!!!!!
Lori
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eeee... I'm biting my tongue (more like typing fingers) right now, because I just read in another forum in a thread from a lady that thinks she may have BC, one reply was
"if you have to have cancer, that's the one to have". I'm so tempted to PM that lady a link to this thread!0 -
Oh gawd!
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I was in church. By this time about 90% of the members knew I had breast cancer. One member who for some reason I can't explain - I try to keep her at arm's length came up to me and said "I love what you have done to your hair" Now mind you this person hadn't been to church in 2-3 weeks.
I was wearing a red wig that was the length of my hair before I chopped it off but my hair is naturally blonde so she assumed I dyed it.
Me "This is not my hair it is a wig"
Her "Oh, I thought it was your hair"
Me "I don't have hair - I lost it due to chemo"
Her "What kind of cancer do you have?"
Me "Breast Cancer"
Her "That is a GREAT cancer to get - in your breasts versus somewhere else"
Me "You actually think that any cancer is good? Do you have any idea how many women have died of BC? You have absolutely no clue at all"
With that I walked off in disgust. I joined here in January and shortly thereafter we lost AlaskaDeb and too many others to cancer within a short period of time and all I could think about was how could anyone stand there and tell me that it was a great place to have cancer. People have no clue as to what they are talking about and I have to admit after I was diagnosed I realized that I didn't know anything about BC until I came here to this board and I got educated really fast.
However, this woman is not worth educating!
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One time I was out to lunch and a lady I knew ask me if I was going to get fake boobs in.
I just cant believe peoples thoughts. And everyone heard.
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Although most people are very kind and respectful to me, I have had my share of rude comments. However, the following story takes the prize. A person really close to me (relative) recently asked if she could see my head.(meaning my bald head w/o wig or scarf or hat)....I said, "No, I don't think so." She replied, "That is being just a little bit vain don't you think?" I was so shocked, I didn't know how to reply! Finally, I just said, "Vanity has nothing to do with it."
Unbelievable!
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So far, I have only had one really insensitive comment. Unfortunately from one of my Sis-in-laws. She called me to give me her condolences about my situation. Then proceeded to give me a recap of her breast cancer scare (she had cysts Drs told her that is what it was from the start), and how lucky she was that it wasn't cancer...about 45 minuets later ....I felt like saying hello, I'm not so lucky! .. duh! ..She hasn't called me since.
Her mom and sister have called and been very sweet.
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I guess this might not count because it wasn't said to me... but it was said to my 13 year old so it annoyed me anyway. My daughter's school team was selling daffodils for the American Cancer Society Daffodil Days. The teacher in charge had two of the girls excused from the class because she was going to talk about cancer; one because her dad died of melanoma and the other because her mother is not doing well and has Stage IV bc. My daughter mentioned that her mother has been diagnosed with both bc and melanoma but told the teacher that the doctor "got it all" and that her mother didn't have to have chemo. The teacher looked at her in surprise and then said "Well then your mother must not have really had cancer". My daughter has inherited an incredible eye roll from me so she did a full blown eye roll and wrote off everything else the teacher said. I guess in that teacher's mind if you don't have chemo you must not have had"real cancer".
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And that's the kind of crap that makes us all so defensive! The poor kid and how confusing for the others....
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PT63 Did someone educate this teacher??? OMG!
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I guess people are just ignorant. They must not know what to say, or were never taught that if you do not have anything nice tp say do not say anything at all. I always get well at least they caught it early, so you do not have anything to worry about. Never mind that my mom died of ovarian cancer and my dad's aunts and grandma died of BC.
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my mother told me she was glad it was me and not my sisters. After looking at her she said it was because I could handle it better. I love my mom, but have no idea how to tell her how hurtfull that comment was.
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I haven't had much fodder for this thread, but apparently 24 hours later my blood pressure is still high enough to warrant the post.
My brother called in the middle of an emergency Onco visit. My right lung was full of fluid and my left was filling fast. I couldn't breathe, could barely walk, the thrush was making my tongue so thick I could barely speak. I was sick, sick, sick. Not his fault on the timing, of course, but it didn't help my temper any. The reason for the call?
My mother, who left my house on Tuesday, just before my #4 TX on Wednesday, full of smiles and congratulations on how well we're doing with all this, arrived at his house Tuesday night and has not stopped crying since. Apparently, I'm dying without her and I'm a cold hearted Biatch for shutting her out at a time like this.
How dare I go and die where she can't bask in the Munchausen Gore of it all!
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You don't look right.
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I hate it when people try to make my tragedy theirs. I know what you mean.
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One of the women who took such good care of me my after surgery, and I love her for that, has a neighbor who was diagnosed with leukemia right after I was diagnosed. Things have gone horribly for this poor woman, months of chemo, finally found a bone marrow donor, and now they are not sure if she can have the surgery or should go under the care of hospice. My friend told me I should meet this poor woman for "perspective." My mother died of bc in my arms when I was 26, this was two months after I watched my aunt die of bc. I go to a great group with people who have a variety of cancers some of whom are dealing with serious mets. I can't believe my friend said I need perspective. I'm trying to work full time, with no family, but my two children, grateful that I didn't need chemo, and happy for everyday, sure some days I whine, I'm about to have a hyster/ooph with my exchange (my boss isn't happy with more missed work time), I'm a little scared and feel a little beaten down. But to hold out a gravely ill woman for me to gain some perspective seems rotten to me. This is also from the same person who laughed at me when I had my last fill and told me how unnatural my breasts look. How can someone who is so great and kind one minute be so shocking the next?
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Wow, that's a load! She must be torn to be so cruel to you. I'm sure she doesn't know how that comment hurt, though, and I don't think telling her will help her understand. But we DO understand. (((((((((((( hugs ))))))))))))))))
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Thanks for the hugs. I would never tell her how much it hurt and shocked me. It amazes me the things people say to us. She is a great person, but she like many don't understand until they find themselves with a diagnosis.
Hugs back at ya.
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As I was coming home from chemo, My neighbor yelled out faker, I had no hair and was weak.
Now I have full body lymphedema and thyroid tumors and everyone tells me I should be doing
alot more. I work out in breathing class and PTherapy, Its like I never had or have cancer. I could never talk to people this way.
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It's taken me a week to slowly read through this thread. WOW!! It's not enough we have BC, but we have to endure rude people. I have had many things said to me but the 2 things that hurt the most were things that were unsaid.
1.) A "friend" in another State,along with her daughters and other relatives walk in the 3-Day walks. For many years, she has send me letters for donations and I have sent $ for her to walk. So after my DX, I called her to talk and told her this year she would be walking for me. She replied by asking me to write an article for her website. It's been a year and she never called or sent a letter or card. I guess she only does the walks to make herself feel good and does't really care about the real people who have cancer.
2.) Another "friend" who was in three groups in which I bike, snowshoe, hike, literally dropped me like a hot potato. When I ran into her she went on and on about a biking trip she was going on with a new group of friends. I said maybe by next summer I would be able to go with them because I was planning on riding again. She was silent and ran off to do something 'important.'
PS. I have ridden 6 out the last 9 days (only 10-15 miles each day.) I told a real friend I might call X and invite her to ride and kick her butt. She said "Why bother?" She's right I don't need any negative people in my life.
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My gosh - what people will do to make sure (in their minds) they 'haven't been contaminated with your disease'.
Footprintsangel- I just am taken aback at what that neighbor said to you, let alone others who expect you to do much more.
It makes me wonder what kind of childhood deprivation they must have had.
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...or adulthood deprivation....
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I do feel as if some people are afraid of us, and also that they think, even if they aren't aware of their thoughts, that we somehow did this to ourselves. People seem to expect us to be more grateful, more thankful, etc., than the average person. Yes, my priorities have improved, and I'm so grateful for all the wonderful things that have taken place since my dx, but I still have days where I feel sad, or bad, but since I've had cancer people often just say, "what are you complaining about at least you are alive." I would never say that as they go on about what's bugging them in their lives, I listen, I guess I could say "what are you complaining about at least you didn't/don't have cancer." But I never would. Somehow the rules change in the minds of some people towards people who've been diagnosed with cancer.
Hiker--keep up on the bike! 10 minutes is awesome, and when you're ready you'll find another group to ride with.
Karen
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Kew- I didn't ride 10 minutes. I rode 10 -15 miles.It's been taking me over one hour outdoors. Thanks for your encouragement.0
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Hiker--Oh, God, I'm sorry!!!! It was early and I didn't have my glasses on. Keep it up, that is so awesome!
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When I was leaving work today to head off to radiation, one of my co-workers commented on how clear my skin looked. I told her that I had read in one of the cancer magazines about tinted moisturizer. It hydrates dry skin, but also gives a little cover. It's not dry and flaky like cover-up or foundation can be. She said, "maybe I should go have a few radiation treatments."
Yeah, right. I'll sign her right up.
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Jane you made me laugh....I have a few coworkers I would love to send with her. 0 -
I love this thread! The first few days out of the hospital, while recovering from a BLM and DIEP someone from high school I hadn't spoken with in 38 years (and barely knew in HS) heard about my cancer/surgery from a mutual friend and called. He wanted to wish me well and tell me he understood what I was going through because his second wife had been through the same thing. But then she died last April...
Of course, I apologized for all he'd been though and got the hell off that call! I sure hope the call made him feel better. It made me feel like crap!
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...and here's your card....
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