Worst Thing Someone Said To You?
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I have already told my story on here, but would like to share with you guys what I recently heard feom an ass....One of my coworkers had a bilat yesterday. Her boyfriend of 8 years also works at the same place. My work wouldn't give me the day off so Ii was planning on leaving early to see her "off" before surgery. So I am walking around the backroom and I see him....My blood boils!!! I was good I didn't say anything to him. I was talkin with another lady and told her. She said "Oh I know, he said he didnt want to just sit around all day doing nothing". I left soon after that to make sure she wasn't alone. As most of you know they pretty much kick you out of the hospital the next day. Well he was at work again today!!! I found out from a friend that she was very upset he wasn't there. Well he ended up getting a whole lot of dirty loofs cuz he went to the store manager and asked if he clould leave early to go to the hspital cuz he was tired of people looking down at him. He told the manager he didn't know why he needed to go cuz its not like he could do anything for her. And that her 17 year old pregnant daughter was there so what could he do? You know cuz its ALL about HIM and what HE WANTS!!! I'm getting ready to go see her and someone calls me and tells me she is getting ready to go home but is waiting for her sister for a ride....That bastard didn't even go to the hospital after he left....sorry about the lanuage....You know what I would like to do to him....Taze him in his junk then ask him how he feels....
When I was dx my boyfriend of 7 months was there the whole time I was in surgery and was there to pick me up the next morning ( I had to send him home that night)....Every time I get mad at him for a silly reason I think fo that and let it go....I guess we can't all be that lucky
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Okay, this isn't the worst thing that has been said but it was still annoying...
One of my best friends died of bc in December after 7 years NED. Another close friend has just been told that they really don't have any other treatment options available for her and that the clinical trial she is eligible for is "full".
So what does a mutual friend say to me? Well at least we won't have to worry about you... you can be our own personal Betty Ford!
Wha?
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I was told by my doctor, mentor, and chemo nurses to get a "support circle."
Well, my gut told me NOT to.
I have told three neighbors about the chemo. I told all of them that it was in confidence, a secret at this time and, "I'm not going anywhere!"
The male neighbor couldn't wait to tell his niece who promptly wrote me a "It's terrible when bad things happen to good people like you," letter.
I am livid at him - not her, she is a pre-teen. He didn't even ask me if he could tell her!
So much for being selective about your support group. I'd rather do this by myself.
Sessna1
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Sessna, we are your support circle. We understand. People who haven't gone through this can't really support you properly.
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I'm "gearing up" for a mastectomy due to a second primary. The same breast was previously treated with lumpectomy and radiation 9 years ago and there are no signs of that cancer (knock on wood). My own mom had a mastectomy with later reconstruction over 18 years ago and has been A-Okay ever since.
I predicted this response to a friend. Upon hearing that I had cancer again my mom said to me in that I TOLD YOU SO kind of voice only a mother can project, "I thought you should have had a mastectomy the first time".
So even those close to you who HAVE gone through it aren't always able to be supportive. Actually my first bout with cancer was quite therapic for my mom. I heard all about everything she went through. It kept her from being able to listen to me. She was unable to listen to me the morning I shaved my head because the hair loss was a mess and I had my second chemo to do the next day.
Oh - I told her I was hanging up and did after her comment. But that's the way she's always been.
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Marmsie, I'm glad you were able to help your mom!
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I was so exited to have my SIL and her family come for Christmas so I could have someone to talk to that has been through it. She was Dx one year before me. I had chemo 2 days before Christmas so I admit to being a bit cranky. She didn't want to talk about it at all other than to say how much more difficult hers was. She is stage 3c and did ATC. I'm stage 2 did 6 T/C. She stood up at our 25th anniversary to tell everyone how helpful we were through her treatment so I don't think she was being spiteful.
I know she had it bad. I think she just wants it to be over and pretend it never happened. Don't get me wrong, I love her but it hurt my feelings. That last time she was here for a wine tasting tour she didn't say a word to me about how it was going and neither did I.
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barbe 1958 - Thank you. Thank you a lot.
This is hard. I knew it would be. No wonder no movies have been made on the reality of chemo - treatment - it's very personal, and there's always that nagging feeling that too many people don't understand.I figure that if a person can't be civil to me when I'm "well," why should I expect anything more when I am diagnosed with a disease from my doctor? Too many things that we can't see that we could be kinder to people about.
No offense to males, but maybe I asked too much of him not to tell anyone?
It is a cruel lesson to learn when you were "insensitive" to someone earlier in life and then find yourself in a similar position. I am pretty certain the person who is ill doesn't wish that on anyone - but I think it's irony, sad, and a lesson that can truly be learned no other way. Being human is being with faults.
Sessna1
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marmsie - I am so sorry. Mother's aren't supposed to be like that. I got mad at Christina Applegate (actress) for saying she was "cancer free" after a double mastectomy. It will give too many people the idea that if you "have it removed,' the cancer is totally gone from your body.
You couldn't pay me to be a celebrity. I'd be like Marcel Marceau or something. Mimes the word. I think you just have to take nice pictures and wave a lot. Don't talk to strangers or the strange people you meet.
Sessna1
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"well, you're lucky. you've always looked good flat."
it's true i guess but it kind of pissed me off.
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Sessna - My mom is a real piece of work anyway, unfortunately. And I had the very same reaction to Christina Applegate's comment of being "cancer free". Such a false and misleading statement from a high profile individual.
The lessons learned from my first trip through cancer - be much more selective about who is in the loop if at all possible. I just don't have the patience this go around for garbage comments. Of course that gets a tad bit more difficult if I have to lose the hair again!
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I believe the news told us that Ms. Applegate's mom, Nancy Priddy, a soap opera star, went through a battle with cancer. I can understand a daughter's fear and anxiety, I'm in that grandmother/mother/daughter club. We must educate our children that what you hear, see, learn on TV isn't always true. Those are actors, not scholars. They have the right to their opinion, and they also have the ability to be wrong - just like all of us.
You said it, marmsie!
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"Just breathe through it"
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Since I had to have 4 surgeries to get all the cancer, When I got home and
had chemo, Some told me I look so much fatter ( cause I have no breast)
You gain weight in your stomach from chemo. I was so mad and hurt.
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OMG! So many people tell me that Christina Applegate had a mastectomy and avoided chemo. She actually had DCIS so THAT is why she avoided chemo. grrrr
I had a neighbor tell me that drinking coffee and eating sugar caused my cancer.....and she told me that raw milk will cure it.
I had an acquaintance tell me that cancer is my bodys way of telling my to change my life.....she knows this because she has MS ( in remission) and that is why she thinks she got MS.
Whatever!!!! All of these comments so unbelievable.
At least we can laugh at them....
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An acquaintance who is also a nurse practioner's reply to me when I said I was dx'ed with IDC said "Oh my god, that is aggressive, you can die from it!"
NO S**T SHERLOCK!!
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Footprintsangel: that is so wrong. I had someone say I had put on weight last week too. (Actually I had lost weight). When is that ever helpful to us and what would possess someone to say it.
Aprilgirl1: those comments are so ignorant, you're right, you have to laugh, you couldn't begin to educate that black hole.
jrgolomb: as I said, just because they're in the medical profession, doesn't mean they're good at it. You know that old thing about combining knowledge with bedside manner? Nurses are supposed to have it too.
I had posted on another thread but it seemed appropriate here too, and I'm still steamed when I think about it:
I have a family member that I am not at all close to (I've seen him twice in the last 20 years) and I deliberately did not tell about my cancer. I find him arrogant and condescending and knew that he would only say stupid things to tick me off and not be at all helpful. Well, sure enough, its spread through the family grapevine and he finally heard about it. So, today I get an e-mail "scolding" (his words) me for not calling and telling him and lecturing me about not being mature enough to tell others and take advantage of their support and the healing power that I missed out on by not doing that. He also said that he prefers to be told of other's problems rather than not be told about them. I in a nice way told him that it was not personal and that I agreed with him about "healing power" and therefore did not tell many other people because I found it not only to not be helpful, but to be unhelpful. I'm still annoyed and had to mail my support group so I could bitch and then put it away. As I said, the reason I didn't tell him is because it would be about him and all I would get is arrogance and lecturing. Like he knows better then I do how I should handle this and what I need and he had a right to know and be involved.
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Some people like to make our tragedy their's. Doi
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kmmd: I have a family member who is also that way (arrogant, condescending, etc.) I haven't told any of my immediate family (they are all nuts). So your post helps me be prepared for what I may be in for.
Some people can't listen, let alone put themselves into other people's shoes. Its all about their needs, not your needs. He's treating you like a child, like you have no capability of figuring out what you are feeling or what you need.
You have every right to be steamed.
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Kind of funny, cause I guess thanks to chemo brain I'd forgotten that someone said about a year ago that I looked like I gained weight. At the time I was too taken aback to say anything........what difference would it have made anyway?
Well one good thing is I'm happy to say I've lost weight (on purpose) and now weigh less than my pre dx/tx weight.
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Sharon51: good for you. You may have to let everyone know how you did it because I see a lot of posts from people asking about getting off the chemo weight. You're a better person then I, I think that comment belongs with the "when is the baby due" comment, unless they're having contractions--you don't ask.
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Sharon - great for you!
Leaf - no one in your immediate family knows about your dx? My heart is breaking for you. I'm glad you have the bc.org family for support and love. You are one strong woman.
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I was dx in June of '05 - had both breasts removed - did 8 cycles of dose dense A/C & T plus herceptin for a year. Three years later when I finally believed I was healed and I decided to look into reconstruction. I decided on DIEP and did go through with it. Through all my....now excitement.....someone said to me......."I would never do that....not having breasts would be fine with me!" To be honest with you....not having my breasts really was never an issue to me either. I was just so thankful to be alive....NED and feeling great HOWEVER my breasts were taken from me.....CANCER did that. Now I had the upper hand and thought that being "put back together" was a gift I could give myself and I did.
NO ONE knows what it is to go through this....UNLESS they've walked in our shoes. It's easy to say not having breasts would be "fine" but when you have 2 of your own you truly have no idea what you are talking about it.
Yes people can and do say some amazing things to us - seems like they don't think at all. But to their defense, I think people TRY to say the right thing - TRY to understand and really truly cannot. As the saying goes.........until you walk a mile in someone elses shoes you have no place to judge. Truer words could not be spoken.
Hugs to my "sisters"
Mary Jo
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Wise Sister, yes!
I hear many women state that they would have a double mastectomy to remove all the (breast) cancer, and it just makes me want to laugh bitterly until I break down crying in front of them - just to explain to them that their paradigm is worthless. I think your odds are greater of being hit by lightening than winning the lottery, and "better" for either in the probability of developing cancer in our age now (21st century).
If you die with cancer not on the number one spot on that Death Certificate, or if you die before it is diagnosed, you really don't count as a number one, do you? Statistics say what the numbers understand from the people who compiled them. Bah, humbug. Too much scientific method can out-think itself into cold pablum.
Pediatric Cancer - there should be no such thing. (From my lips to God's ears... Oy.) Why aren't we studying the parents of the children more - not to tell people to stop giving birth, but to get more information on our merged gene pools before merging them... wait... that's too George Orwell. Never mind. Scratch that. See? You can jettison a bad idea before you yourself believe there was any good in it.
Different kinds of cancer, Ms. Applegate. Don't know where that tumor began - not 100% certain. Not at this juncture. Another tumor could begin elsewhere. Best to follow the advice of David Horowitz- "Be alert, be informed, fight back, and don't let anybody rip you off."
Tap into your body in spirt - no chakras. Know what feels "normal," off, or not right - and don't let the doctor person be your god. Healing is always a team effort involving respect. If your doctor doesn't listen to you, find one who does, and fire the old one.
Love in Christ,
Sessna1
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P.S. marejo, I miss my left breast. If others could walk in your ("You" general, not specific, meaning all of us here) shoes, most times they'd just ruin them and hand them back to you.
That process of expanders scares the crap out of me. I've had so many surgeries that you don't need dental records to ID me after a fire. (Pardon me, too much "CSI: Anything/SVU: Anywhere" on TV.)
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Makraz - thank you for your kind thoughts. I only have LCIS and ALH. Most oncologists do not consider that to be breast cancer. I checked with my genetics counselor and she assured me that my silence would NOT put them at any higher risk.
I see a therapist .
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I couldn't finish my #3 chemo because i had a bad reaction the Taxotere. When the nurse told me that I wouldn't be getting the rest I kinda panic a bit. I asked the nurse if stopping the treatment would hurt me in anyway, like the cancer coming back. She told me that they wouldn't know until I had a CT scan. Well that didn't help, so I kept harping on her and she then said that this chemo might not even be helping me at all. Now that was the wrong thing to say and I wasn't to happy about it. Talk about giving me more things to worry about. If I wasn't ready for the rubber room before that statement put me closer to it.
Laurie
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Leaf - Please don't say 'you only have'. That's enough! So glad yours was caught early. I'm glad you are seeing a therapist and are active on these threads. They have helped me so much and I hope they are helping you. I wish you a lifetime of good health!
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Hello---I was just diagnosed recently and it was really hard to tell my friends and family. When I told my older brother he said something to the effect of ---well, since you don't drink or smoke, it must be from something that you eat---didn't you drink a lot of soda when you were younger? There must me a reason--it doesn't just happen......
I also have noticed a lot of friends and family have been more distant lately. Just when I need them the most. I too and trying not to judge, but I would hope that I would try and comfort rather then distance myself. I must say, however, that my husband and son have been really there for me. My husband is my rock and my son is my flower. I will hold on to that.
Take care everyone
Debbie
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Deb, Sorry to hear about your dx. I'm glad you have your son and husband (dh). I think a lot of people distant themselves from you when you are first dx because they don't know what to do or say. Hence, this thread!! I'm glad you do hve support at home, when you need it the most. Be well!
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