I WANT MY MOJO BACK!
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Lisa; If you can live with your decision, I certaintly can. I don't know what I would do if I was in your situation. I can't judge you because I am too busy judging myself.
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subak:Sometimes we didn't feel like having sex before diagnosis. I had made a room up for myself to sleep in after my mastectomy. I was reading a magazine one day and this woman was saying never to leave your bed. After about 2 days I returned to my bedroom, and only used that room during the day.Everyone is different, and you may not lose your libido.I never deprived my DH, eventhough there were plenty of times it was painful, because of the dryness, trying every lubricant on the shelf. Most just burned,probably because the chemo had thinned the tissue, and the Femara didn't help either.Finally now, after almost 2 years I don't have to use anything. I kept hearing in my head use it or lose it.
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Lisa: You must have a very strong marriage to withstand something like this. Good for you that you two are working it out. However, if you read some of the "Dear Abby" columns that deal with this sort of issue, she suggests that you be checked for STD's...Sorry...
My DH has been very supportive in my MOJO issues...Already in Menopause when I was diag - then Arimidex has stripped what little estrogen I may have had left...We make time for him...even if I'm not in the mood...he's very patient - and I never thought that he would be...We had a rocklicking good time before all this happened to me...I have an appointment with the Dana Farber Sexual Health clinic in Boston that hopefully will help me address the physical issues because, God knows, I do miss my MOJO...sigh...
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I wonder if my boyfriend is attracted to me. I don't have hair and I am so moody and sad a lot that it probably isn't attractive. Last night I reached for him while we were watching a tv program together
( I really made a pass ) and he told me "to please stop it." we are going away thus weekend and I hope we can reconnect.0 -
Cyborg: He probably didn't want you to turn him on and then you decide to change your mind. Pick up a sexy nightie or lace panties for your trip.I think for us women sex has to start in our minds hours before we actually begin the act.I have not purchased a dildo, but fantasizing about it, and telling DH that I have found someone else, and giving it a name before showing it to him, really turned me on. He didn't have to make the first move I did.
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mscal ~ you're so right that it begins in our minds hours before!
Lisa ~ THANK YOU for sharing your story so openly and honestly. Wow, the SE of this stupid disease do suck!!!! I had stitches taken out from my new nips today. Your post made me decide to go put on a tight tank, with NO sportsbra and let them poke out :-) My DH is leaving for a week tomorrow morning and I was convicted that I need to step it up after reading your experience. For both our sakes! I want him to leave for his business trip happy! Thank you!!!!! I better go before I turn into a pumpkin. ~ Daiva
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x-ray: Handle your business girl!
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LisaF - Thank you so much for telling your story...I think it is good for many of us to get a wake up call once in awhile. This could happen to any of us. Our lives have been turned upside down by BC and the loss of our sex life is an unacceptable consequence. It is so easy to just give up because of the pain, the dryness, being tired, the change in our appearance, etc. and hope our relationships can survive it. Even though my husband has been very understanding I have come to realize that even when I initiate something he is hesitant because he thinks of me as fragile now. So I agree...it takes lots of effort, lots of talking and reconnecting, and willingness to trying new things. So ladies, we can't give up, seek help if needed...there are ways to make things better. I am going to keep trying!
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Ladies: After my DIEP sx. I had to let DH know that I was not going to break if we did the wild thing. He said ( I don't know). He had to see that it was going to work out just fine. Don't stop putting on your sexy underwear and nighties, make up and his favorite cologne that he likes to smell on you.Put on some Barry White, light some candles, and let it rip, even if you don't feel like it.
DMD: You have the right idea.
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I so agree that we need to keep having sex even when we don't feel like it; both because it will help us start to feel like it and because, even if we don't feel like it it is still a wonderful thing to share with our partners to make them - and us - feel like our lives are still going on.
My DP took a long time to accept that I really did want to keep having sex. If I am totally honest, my sex drive is definitely lower since chemo and hasn't ever come back: I don't feel that physical urge for it that I used to have. But I still want it emotionally and I still enjoy it physically once we do it, so I force myself to keep initiating and responding to his initiations.
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I'm having the opposite problem...my DH doesn't seem to want sex at all. He's always had a much lower sex drive than I, but this is just plain ridiculous. He's asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow and he always "has things to do" if I try to approach him during the day. I've suggested that he slip home during the day (his work schedule would allow that occasionally) but he has never expressed any interest in that either.
I know he has a big addiction to porn and I secretly think that is the reason why he wants nothing to do with me. Heck, I'm bald, my breast is tender from rads tx and I'm slathered in goop at night right now. But this started long before this.
Can I confess something? I've considered personal ads. Yeah, I know, I know...I'm bald and slathered in goop. That would never work. But I'm so terribly lonely.
He was so good and attentive to me like I had NEVER seen him in 17 years of marriage during chemo. He never missed an appt, went with me to chemo and was just so, so sweet. The last chemo rolled around and it's like he dropped me like a hot rock. He even told me the other day that he's sick of this year being all about me and my "issues". *sigh*
I guess I'm just frustrated and needed to vent. I'm 35 and he's 38 and I feel like we're slipping into a routine of having resentful, "just because we should" sex every 4-6 weeks. And if I bring up how long it's been to him, he gets mad. Once I let him know it had been 5 weeks and he told me to never let him go that long again but if I bring up how long it's been...he's defensive. I can't win.
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pej: I think I can relate to your problem more than the other. My DH works long hours and is very tired at night. Plus we have teens, who are always awake.
Would your husband see a doctor to see if they could help? I imagine that would be hard for a lot of guys to do. I wonder if he is trying to address the problem by watching porn. I imagine it would be lonely, because you are very young. I hope you can work things out. Perhaps others out there can give some advice.
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pejkug3 don't ignore this. Sex is part of a relationship. I would discuss this with him. For all you know there could be an issue on his side. He may be a bit young for low T or ED but it's more common than you think otherwise they wouldn't have those ads on TV. He might be too embarrassed to tell you.0
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pejkug3: I agree with lago. Try to get him to go in and get a check up. After talking with him and that doesn't help, and you know that he is into porn,check out what type of girls he is looking at on the porn site. I would mimic the way they look. If it is long haired blondes, I would buy a long wig and and some crotchless panties and try to help him get in the mood. He may be experiencing technical difficulties.
Lynn: A weekend alone may be in order for you.
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pejkug3 - I agree with lago you can't ignore this. You need to find a time to have a serious heart to heart with him. It certainly could be something a doctor could help him with, a lower libido is not that uncommon for men. Nothing wrong with porn...many couples watch it together...but if it is getting in the way of normal relations then it is a problem and might only get worse. Start with his regular physician for a physical and blood work, then move on to specialists if necessary...there are many great sex therapists out there that could help as well. Don't just accept things the way they are...you both deserve better.
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i can relate, my dh has been great though treatment and all that, but as far as physical contact goes... pretty much zip unless i initiate/ ask ( that includes hugs and kisses).
gets a bit lonely.
mind you, he was up for it the 2 times i initated sex in the last year ( ya, can relate to the low libido too) , 1st time was very painful, 2nd time was actually pretty good, unfortunatly had an allergic reaction ( i guess) to the lube and had a major rash for 4 weeks... ouch... so that put an end to any action for a while. better now, but still have to get motivated to try again.
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Chili: Don't give up!
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pejkug3-If your DH is taking drugs for cholesterol they could be causing the low libido for him. Before BC 2 years ago my DH began statin drugs and I was amazed at the changes in him. He became very emotional at times and for the first time in our 30 years together he was not interested in sex. At first I worried something was wrong with us but we found that it was the statin drugs and it was a huge transformation. He went off of them and wow the libido was back to normal and we are now working on the cholesterol with diet. However, now that the hormonal drugs rule my life maybe he should go back on the statin drugs and we would be at the same libido level which of course is non existent. Cancer sucks!
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pejkug - that sounds like my ex. It was awful and made me feel very alone and ruined my self-esteem and this was all way pre-BC. However at the same time he would have very dutifully stood by me and taken me to all the appointments but emotionally he couldn't be there for me. We went to many counselors and I know he went to doctors but he never shared with me any information. Finally during the divorce we went to a lawyer/councelor who was the one to work out custody. He met with her first for an hour then the following week I was to meet with her. I was so worried as I knew he was desperate and his laywer was filling him with crazy ideas so even though I would tell him we should have 50/50 care of the kids he heard he would never see them again. Anyway, I was very nervous and had prepared a long list of what all I wanted to say. But I got in there and for somereason felt comfortable and just emotionally spilled our everything... well she stopped me and confirmed everything I felt. It was like a huge burden was lifted. For him, she said sometimes a person for whatever reason never is able to develop emotionally and really attach and is overly insecure about everything. With his back ground, it all made sense for me and it became clear this wasn't something I could fix nor was it either of our faults. I know your situation may be totally different but connecting sexually is a huge part of a relationship and it does matter especially if you can even honestly talk about it. I hope you all can work things out and he finds a way to reconnect with you. Does he have guy friends? My ex. had no clue ( really) that having sex one a year is not normal.
My problem isn't libido - not on meds but menopause is horrendous. The dryness is awful and so far have not found anything to help. Tried pretty much everything you all have listed and my onc was OK with the low dose vagi-fem but no luck with that either. Totally shrunken and tried working my way up and just can't seem to get anywhere.... For me my breasts were the main turn on for me and not only having no sensation, I hate how they look so that helps to kill everything for me.
Just hate this horrible horrible disease!
Oh and LisaF - good for you all. Hope it all works. I had a friend who was a therapist and we had a discussion about affairs and what they mean. She said if an affair happens it is usually a symptom not the cause. As in it means things need to be worked on and it will either cause the person to wake up and see how much the marriage means and give that person lots of reasons to work on the marriage or it will show that person there is nothing left in the marriage and it is time to move on. So sounds like you all both found there is a lot to save in the marriage and hopefully it will make you both much closer and stronger as a couple.
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I have been reading through this thread and am only on page 3, but I did find this link that I wanted to share tonight.
http://www.awomanstouchonline.com/dr_myrtle.php?articleID=2978
It is aimed at recovering cancer patients.
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Thank you, J-Bug!
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I had an unhappy DH too...I think I just wasn't in the "mood" because I just wasn't thinking about sex...on top of the fact that it hurt every time we tried...nothing is, at least for me, more of a turn off than pain... Thank you Arimidex for stealing away what little estrogen I had left...dry as the Sahara...
I saw someone post that they were trying the varying vaginal expanders... And what I found out this past weekend Is that they work..Personally, I'm not a fan of water based lubricants...I found a silicone based one at Riteaid - I think it's called Wet...so, using those expanders that I got on www.goodvibrations.com (they also vibrate) with that silicone lubricant and I feel like a new woman! Happy DH too...I believe,when I looked it up online, you should use these expanders at least 4 times a week for them to be effective but thats not a penalty in my book! Someone said that you should force yourself, even if you're not in the mood and once your there you will have fun...thank you whoever
wrote that because it's so true!
And I thought my love life was over until the end of Arimidex...0 -
My oncologist has said no hormones whatsoever - I have to use the old-fashioned methods to kick-start my libido - getting my mind in the mood, foreplay, foreplay, foreplay, etc. Bummed, darn it. I don't have lubrication issues, as I'm not having to do meds or chemo, but libido is gone - post-bmx menopause. It's funny that the tiny amount of fat (compared to the rest of my body) removed from my chest polished off my estrogen. Sigh. I need more practice though - as someone said - if you don't use it, you lose it. So I'll be looking into erotica, masturbation, maybe even porn just to get my head in the right place.
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ritaz, I never heard of these expanders. Am going to look them up.
bookart, I think you're right about use it or lose it. I'm trying hard to figure out how to get it back! I'm trying to remind myself to be playful. I put a fun toe nail polish on in hopes of reminding me to have fun, loosen up and experiment. I'm determined to get there!
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J-Bug, thanks for posting that link! I think I will pulling out my credit card. My DH won't mind this purchase! Have you ordered from them? Mind sharing your faves? No worries if you don't want to, just wondering. Thanks again!
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Hey ladies, someone mentioned this threat on another thread, so I'm just dropping into book mark and say hello and read. I'll definitely be posting!
Thanks to all of you for your stories and recommendations!
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xray girl - sorry, they're actually called dialators (but they DO do the job of expanding your veejayjay...LOL
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Hi gals....I haven't posted in a long time...but am trying to get my sex life back...my oncologist recently prescribed DHEA vaginal suppositories...to help reverse vaginal atrophy. I am hoping it works...have been applying for only a week so far...but have any of you tried this??? Wondering if it helped. Thanks
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Wow, 100 pages reached... it is indeed an important issue!
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Mods, you have no idea...
The thing I think I'm struggling with the most right now is self-image. I have no hair...well, I have some fuzz. I have a big-a$$ scar on one breast from the lumpectomy. Most of the time I am beyond exhausted just trying to do normal stuff...go to work, fix a little dinner, do a little laundry. I struggle to maintain normal digestion (woozy tummy, diahrerra, constipation). I have seriously misplaced my libido, and I can't understand why my husband would want to have sex with me, after all I'm going through right now.
Of course I know all of this will pass, but yes, my self-image is the biggest hurdle I have right now. And my husband has been beyond wonderful and is so supportive.
Alright, that's my two cents worth of pity party tonight...time to hit the sack so I can get back in the saddle tomorrow.
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