Take our poll: How are you feeling as we near the New Year?
I WANT MY MOJO BACK!
Comments
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Dear Donna,
OK, many lashingd about the head and shoulders about unprotected sex! Endless beatings (which I'd happily administer, if you would like ...
), until you are duly and truly sorry, AND your tests come back NEGATIVE -- you WILL get tested, yes?
Our hospital has a FREE clinic for people who need to be tested, and, yes, in my care-free, idiotic youth, I used their services a number of times, never sure if ORAL sex woudl be a high conductive virus source.... (thankfully, it's not, but STILL should use either a condom or an oral damn (on women)...).
So, now that you have been THOUROUGHLY chastised....
WTF? Where are you finding MEN and your SEX DRIVE and VAGINAL MOISTURE????? Personally, I'm living vicariously through YOU at this point, as their ain't much happening around here, that is for sure!
WOOHOO, WOMAN, you nail him,anyway you can.....and keep writing us and letting us know the details, so we can almost remember what it feels like to actually just MAKE OUT for two hours, with clothes on, and how HOT, HOT, HOT that is! DAMN, I'd SWEAR this room just got a few degrees warmer! LOL!
PLEASE be SAFE! Can you just imagine? survives BC, and then gets HIV once libido returns! Oh, the jokes that would be going around..... <kiss, kiss, sister-friend!).
Looking forward to your next "installment,'
ConnieR.C.0 -
Dear BethNY,
My mother has SO MANY toys, that she gave me an unopened one to try -- which was a wonderful, completely clitoral stimulator, and had about 10 different attachments.
"Fly me to the moon...." the good old days...
Also, Mighty Mena says it is A MUST, period!, to get the attachements -- and who can say "no" to Mena? Not me, that is for sure, as she IS one of our "Product Testers." LOL!
And yes, use lubrication with any toy you use, and if you are 'new" to toys, depending on what you get (if it's electrical, clean with a damp, hot, soapand water cloth, then I actually sterilize with those little "wipes" of Alcohol. If it's made of rubber and had NO MECHANICAL PARTS, the dishwasher is a GREAT place to clean toys. Just make sure it's when the kids are NOT around! heeee heee heee).
Same for any of the SMALL attachments. A good, thorough cleaning after each use is essential! When you feel up for it, afterwards, of course. Just sensible hygeine.
NOTE: After I "sterilize: with the little swabs of rubbing acohol (I'm diabetic, have them all over the place!), I also then take ANOTHER damp washcloth to REMOVE the alcohol from the toy. Sure, would probably evaporate and not cause any undo pain for next time (hasn't for me when I've forgotten), but some are more sensative then others.
Either way, YES, get the attachments, and let us know what happens!
With big hugs and kisses,
Connie R. C.0 -
I have not posted here before but I've read all 18 pages, some more than one time!!! I'm feeling quite proud of myself today, had great oral sex with dh last night and its only been 2 weeks since my bilateral, he certainly was expecting to wait much longer. I was just feeling extremely aroused for some unknown reason because I have had alot of pain since surgery, had drains removed last Mon, but needed to be aspirated by Fri. Anyways just wanted to toot my own horn, I am 55 yrs. young just celebrated my 34th anniversary and sex with my dh has always been great, he is more than willing to go as long as it takes. Sometimes I just take longer because I'm loving it and he always knows he also will be taken care of. Yes, we seem to have oral sex more often than intercourse but if it puts a smile on your face that's all that matters. Love this posting hope to join in more frequently.
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Yeah for all who are enjoying some great sex! keep it coming ladies. Remember sex is good for you!
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Well, isn't it always the "quiet ones" who pop out of no where and have ALL the fun?!? lol!
WELCOME, JOEY!!!!!!
You seem to fit in here PERFECTLY, and I think hearing ANOTHER woman "gettin' it on" will help those of us who can't even remember what it's like not to have pain during sex.
Glad to meet you, and look forward to more of your post!
with lots of sister-friend hugs,
Connie R.C.0 -
Connie - to answer your "WTF?" question....I left hubby a year ago after a 20-year marriage that should have ended 10 years before it did. He never paid any attention to me, lost interest in sex....no passion of any kind.
In fact, before HMS (hot monkey sex) I hadn't been with a MAN in almost 2 years, and then I only THOUGHT I was having good sex, but it turns out I didn't know what GOOD sex was. Only this is way beyond GOOD. OMG! So, you see, I have at least 10 years worth of orgasms stored up inside me begging to get out!!
I also think maybe I'm going through some kind of sexual peak, because I have NEVER been this horny all the time. It's almost as though I think like a man about sex, which means I think about sex A LOT!
I am pre-menopausal after all (after 6 months of chemopause) and still have my ovaries, so I am guessing that's how I stay lubricated.
I had my first bilateral mammo today since dx in Oct '04. Was a little freaked out, but the radiologist read my films right then and said he didn't see anything suspicious...that my mammo was "stable" and "unremarkable". I am very glad to be unremarkale today
Well, gotta go get all whored up for my man....he should be here in about 40 minutes.
And yes, I am being safe....
Smilin' Donna
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DonnaKF wrote:
HMS (hot monkey sex)
I am so glad I am not the only person who uses that phrase. Where did it come from????
An update on Mr "perfect date"... He isn't perfect. As soon as I started to show some interest, he backed off... it was as if there was no chase to be had, so he went in the other direction. His loss! Seriously! His loss!
I have a date on Monday night with an old friend who used to be a FWB, we'll se if he still is... Sure, I'm horney! But I want some intimacy as well as the HMS!
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Bump...xo
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Thought I would just pop in here to let you all know that there is HOPE!!
I have been on my own for many years (son with austistic spectrum disorder takes up most of my time). Last sexual relationship was 10 years ago (sad, I know).
I didn't bother looking at this thread, as I thought...Mojo? What Mojo? After chemopause nearly 4 years ago and reaching the Sahara Desert on tamoxifen and then aromasin, my Mojo was definitely a thing of the past. History.
Or so I thought......I have recently started a relationship which blows my mind.....I am 54....he is 31!!!
I have known the guy for 4 years (just before my bc dx).I sent off for some stuff which is supposed to make the rain fall on those desert areas, just in case things progressed to that sphere......and I DIDN'T NEED IT!!!
I was soooo afraid of the pain of sex, especially as my gynae informed her student onlookers a year ago that I had "vaginal atrophy" due to tamoxifen, and to my mind things have gotten worse since being on aromasin.Add that to 10 years of being celibate.....and I was seriously worried.
The first couple of minutes were painful (I admit it),but after that it all worked as it should!Yippee! My Mojo came back! What a relief!
I can't believe this guy is interested in me....I am old enough to be his mother!......and he is sooo gorgeous!
I am under no illusions that this will be a long-term relationship(there are many complications), but I will enjoy every minute of it,now my mojo has returned.
So there is hope!
BTW - the stuff I sent off for is called Sylk....there is a website and you can get a free sample online. It is all-natural, no chemicals, no hormones, made from kiwi-fruit extract!Supposed to be very good.
Hugs to all my sisters on the great Mojo Hunt,
Sam x0 -
Sam...
glad for you. Go for it! The last great relationship I had ended 3 years ago. I am now 58 and he is 34. We live in different states now, but I would jump back in there in an instant. Men our age sometimes, well, just don't cut it. I didn't know until I met him how attracted I am to younger men.
Enjoy every minute of it
Jan0 -
Dear Connierc......... Please can you tell me more about the products you were mentioning, I have a wonderful man, who I settled down with 6 months before I found I had B/C. He is the love of my life, and is only 30...I am 43. He has been through the masectomy, chemo and radiation, every step of the way with me, sex was wonderful pre b/c but now I have just lost the desire, and everything north seems a bit shrivelled and dry, I miss the initmacy so much, I know he does and blames him self for me not reaching O's like i used to...I need help, so please let me know about these things.....take care....kim
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I have no idea where the phrase HMS came from, but I love it and love having it!! And as far as your Mr. Not-So-Perfect goes....you're right - HIS LOSS for sure!!! Hope you have *fun* with your old friend....
Sam - you go, girl! Congrats to you.
I say just enjoy the ride!!
Donna0 -
OMG - Check out Amazon.com They are linking to a site that has all kinds of toys and other "stuff" at some pretty good prices. There is also a rebate and a discount.
For those of you that bought the Wand, they have attachments for it.
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The weekend is here!! Good Luck Ladies!!!
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I'm talking to myself here
I got together with an old friend this weekend... We've known eachother for 25 years and we float into eachother's lives from time to time and when we do, we float into eachother's beds as well...
OMG... I had no idea he was a screamer! I am almost sure my next door neighbors (I live in a house) could hear him! This makes me think....
Are you a screamer? I'm going to add a poll just for the fun of it!
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I think it's totally cool that you have a F*** buddy!
I guess you could say I'm a "screamer in training". My boyfriend REALLY likes a screamer, which I haven't been so much in the past, but I think that's probably because I didn't have anything to scream about! He's a screamer though and I live in an APARTMENT! Thankfully, I live on the bottom floor, and there isn't an apt that adjoins where the bedroom is!
Here's to sex so good it makes you scream!
Donna0 -
Hi girls...
Saw my gyn today for my yearly. Had a long chat about sex [or lack of, due to killer dryness - the side effect of hormonal treatments and hysterectomy].
Told him I'm ready to defy my onc. He suggested the vagifem [insert the tablet] thingy.
I see my onc on Monday, and we will chat.
Also, waiting on my PET scan report... I will call for results on Thursday, so I can prepare a possible list of questions and research whatever I might need to before hand.
I've been off my treatment [by MY CHOICE] for 6 mths now. This scan may hold some interesting results [good or bad].
Anyway, the gyn said if I choose to do the vagifem, he will call it in for me.
Maybe it will help bring pleasant memories back... when I didn't have to fear for my life by having sex!
Anyone here use the vagifem?
Diane0 -
I've used vagifem and found it helpful. My old oncologist said no to vagifem; my new oncologist (with equal or superior academic qualifications and experience) said yes to it. It does nothing for libido, but it does ease the dryness.
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Hi Everybody: Giving this thread a big bump 'n grind! And also sharing some info that might be of interest.
Greg
Original Article:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/invoke.cfm?id=CA00018
Cancer and loss of libido: How treatment affects desire
Whether it's cuddling, kissing or sex, intimacy with a loving partner can help you feel better about yourself as you go through cancer treatment. During and after your treatment, you may find that your libido has changed. Loss of libido is the most common problem affecting cancer survivors looking to continue or resume sexual intimacy.
Losing interest in sexual activity can create tension between you and your partner, adding to the stress of treatment. Identifying the causes of your disinterest is the first step toward finding a solution. Open communication with your partner and your doctor can help you regain your libido or help you redefine what it means to be intimate.
Physical changes that can cause loss of libido
Loss of libido may be caused by physical changes to your body as a result of cancer treatment. For instance, women may experience symptoms of early menopause, such as vaginal dryness, and men may experience erectile dysfunction. Discuss these changes with your doctor.
Feelings that can cause loss of libido
Cancer is a physical disease, but going through a cancer diagnosis and treatment can be very emotional. You may worry about your future, stress over your treatment decisions and find joy in the small triumphs in overcoming your cancer. All of these emotions influence how you feel about yourself and your attitude toward intimacy. Some common feelings that can negatively affect your libido include:
Guilt
You may feel guilty because you feel previous sexual experiences caused your cancer. Cancer can't be transmitted sexually. Although some cancers are more likely in people who have human papillomavirus (HPV), which is transmitted sexually, many people live with HPV and never develop cancer. Other sexually transmitted viruses that put you at risk of cancer include hepatitis C, HIV and Epstein-Barr virus.
Fear
You may fear that sexual activity can cause a recurrence of your cancer or that you will pass your cancer on to your partner. Sexual activity has no influence on whether you'll experience a cancer recurrence. Your doctor can discuss your prognosis and chances for a cancer-free life. You can't pass your cancer on to another person.
Depression
Sadness or feelings of worthlessness are common signs of depression, which causes a loss of libido and decreases the pleasure you experience during sex. People with cancer are more likely than others to experience depression. Depression is treatable, so talk to your doctor about your feelings.
Self-consciousness
Changes to your appearance after cancer treatment can make you feel self-conscious. For instance, the loss of your hair from chemotherapy, the loss of a limb, breast, or testicle, scars from surgery, and ostomies can make you feel less attractive. Many people find that their partners aren't as concerned about these changes as they are. Still, it takes time to become comfortable with the changes in your appearance. Your doctor may have suggestions to help you regain your self-confidence. Talk with other cancer survivors for ideas on ways to make you feel more sexually attractive.
Grief and loss
Feelings of grief and loss can result if you feel cancer treatment has significantly changed your body. Some people might say they feel less feminine or masculine. For instance, a woman who has a hysterectomy may feel a sense of loss and perceive herself as less of a woman. A man may feel he's less of a man if he has his testicles removed (orchiectomy). For some people, treatments alter how they view themselves and make them very dissatisfied with their bodies. Although some sense of grief and loss is expected with the physical changes, you can and should feel satisfied with your body and feel positive about yourself. Talk to your doctor about how you feel. Ask him or her for a referral to a clinical health psychologist if you have strong feelings of dissatisfaction with yourself and your body.
Stress
Being diagnosed with cancer and beginning your treatment is stressful. This makes it difficult to get into an intimate mood because your mind is distracted. If you're in a relationship, stress can exacerbate any pre-existing problems you may have had. Talk with your partner about how you feel.
Anxiety
The thought of resuming sex after your cancer can cause anxiety. You might be unsure of how you'll perform. If you have a partner, you might find yourself avoiding all intimacy. If you're single, you might be hesitant to date because you aren't sure how or when you'll reveal your cancer experience to a new partner. Anxiety is common, and it may help to talk through your feelings with your partner, your doctor or a clinical health psychologist.
Consider your partner's feelings toward sex
Many times, cancer survivors say their partners go through cancer with them — standing by them and supporting them from the first diagnosis through the uncertainty of life after treatment. It's an emotional time for your partner, too, and sometimes partners feel afraid or reluctant to resume sex. Your partner may be afraid that he or she will hurt you or that you'll interpret his or her advances as pressure to have sex. Your partner's role as caregiver during your treatment can make him or her see you as a vulnerable patient, rather than the partner you think of yourself as.
In many cases, communication about how both of you feel can make situations like these easier. But many couples didn't spend much time discussing sex before, and adding cancer to the mix makes it all the more difficult. Couples therapy may help you open the lines of communication and better understand your situation.
What you can do to regain your libido
If you've experienced a loss of libido, you may feel alone. You might not want to talk about your feelings, but you should. The problem won't resolve on its own. It will take cooperation between you, your partner and your health care team to ensure that you feel comfortable resuming sexual activity. Consider trying to:
Talk with your doctor or nurse. If your doctor hasn't discussed sexuality, take the lead. Your doctor or nurse can help you find resources and refer you to a clinical health psychologist.
Talk with your partner. One of the best ways to improve libido is to open the lines of communication between you and your partner. For instance, your partner may fear hurting you during sex and may avoid initiating sexual activity. You may believe your partner is no longer interested in you. A conversation about the issue can clear the air and restore emotional and physical intimacy.
Talk with other cancer survivors. People who have had your same cancer and have endured your same treatment are likely experiencing the same loss of libido. Look for other cancer survivors in support groups in your area, or you may be more comfortable connecting with other survivors on Internet message boards. Contact the American Cancer Society for information.
Change your definition of sexual intimacy. Maybe you aren't ready for sex. Talk about this with your partner and look for other ways you can be intimate. Simply spending quality time together may help you reconnect and slowly move toward resuming sexual intimacy.
Track your desire. You might think you've lost all interest in sex, but you may have sexual thoughts throughout your day that you ignore. Make a note of times during the day when you think about sex. If you find certain times of the day or certain situations rouse your interest in sex, use those cues to help put you in the mood.
Loss of libido is common after cancer treatment, but that doesn't mean you can't regain the sexual intimacy you once enjoyed. Broaching the subject with your doctor, partner or even members of a support group may help you work through your emotions and enable you to resume a satisfying sexual relationship.
By Mayo Clinic staff
CA00018
June 17, 2005
© 1998-2005 Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research (MFMER). All rights reserved. A single copy of these materials may be reprinted for noncommercial personal use only. "Mayo," "Mayo Clinic," "MayoClinic.com," "Mayo Clinic Health Information," "Reliable information for a healthier life" and the triple-shield Mayo logo are trademarks of Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research.
Features
Sexuality after cancer treatment: What women can expect
From MayoClinic.com
Special to CNN.com
Sex might be the last thing on your mind as you start thinking about cancer treatment options and cope with the anxiety that comes with a cancer diagnosis. But as you start to feel more comfortable with yourself during treatment and afterward, you'll want to get back to a "normal" life as much as you can. For many women, this includes resuming sexual intimacy with their partners.
An intimate connection with a partner can make you feel loved and supported as you go through your cancer treatment. But sexual side effects of cancer treatment can make resuming sex more difficult. Find out if you're at risk of sexual side effects after treatment and which treatments can cause these side effects. Knowing more about your situation can help you feel more in control and help you find a solution that will work for you.
Who's at risk of sexual side effects?
Women being treated for breast or gynecologic cancers are most likely to experience side effects that make having sex painful or difficult. But cancers anywhere in the pelvic region can cause these effects. Pelvic cancers include:
Bladder cancer
Cervical cancer
Colon cancer
Ovarian cancer
Rectal cancer
Uterine cancer
Vaginal cancer
Treatment for each of these cancers carries the risk of causing physical changes to your body. But having cancer also affects your emotions, no matter what type of cancer you have. These emotions can also impact your attitude toward sex and intimacy with your partner.
Cancer and libido: How cancer treatment affects desire
What sexual side effects are most common?
The treatment you receive and your type and stage of cancer will determine whether you experience any sexual side effects. The most commonly reported side effects among women include:
Difficulty reaching climax
Loss of desire for sex
Pain during penetration
Reduced size of the vagina
Vaginal dryness
Not all women will experience these side effects. Your doctor can give you an idea of whether your specific treatment will cause any of these.
Common sexual side effects of selected cancer treatments
[This section contained a table that listed different cancer treatments and their sexual side effects, but I couldn't get it to reproduce here
]
Adapted from: American Cancer Society, 2005
How does cancer treatment cause sexual side effects?
Cancer treatments that are more likely to cause sexual side effects include:
Chemotherapy
Many women experience a loss of libido during and after chemotherapy. Often the side effects of the treatment, such as nausea, hair loss, and weight loss or gain, can make you feel unattractive. Side effects usually fade soon after treatment ends. But it may take time to rebuild your self-confidence to bring back your desire for sex.
Chemotherapy can cause a sudden loss of estrogen production in your ovaries. This can lead to symptoms of menopause, such as a thinning vagina (vaginal atrophy) and vaginal dryness, which both can cause pain during penetration. Ask your doctor about what you can expect from your chemotherapy drugs, as some can cause permanent ovary damage. Depending on your cancer type, your doctor may prescribe estrogen replacement therapy — also called hormone therapy for menopause — to reduce the sexual side effects you experience. However, women with breast or ovarian cancer should discuss this carefully with their doctors, as some cancers are hormone sensitive and shouldn't be combined with hormone replacement therapy.
Radiation therapy
Sexual side effects related to radiation therapy are most common in women receiving treatment aimed at their pelvic area. Radiation to the pelvis causes:
Damage to the ovaries. The amount of damage and whether it's permanent depends on the strength of your radiation treatments. Damaged ovaries don't produce estrogen. This causes symptoms of menopause, such as vaginal dryness. If you've already been through menopause, you likely won't experience such symptoms.
Changes in the vaginal lining. Radiation therapy can irritate healthy tissue in its path. This can cause the lining of your vagina to become inflamed and tender. Penetration during sex may be uncomfortable during treatment and for a few weeks afterward. As the lining of your vagina heals, it may become thickened and scarred, causing your vagina to tighten and resist stretching during penetration. Your doctor might recommend using a vaginal dilator to prevent scar tissue from forming after radiation.
Talk to your doctor about what you can expect from your specific radiation treatments. Some side effects may be preventable. For instance, surgery to relocate your ovaries to another part of your body might spare them from the damage of radiation and preserve your fertility. Ask your doctor about your options.
Surgery
Whether surgery affects your ability to have sex will depend on your type of cancer, where it's located and its size. Surgeries that are likely to cause sexual side effects include:
Radical hysterectomy. Women with cervical cancer may opt for a radical hysterectomy to remove their uterus and related ligaments, as well as their cervix and part of their vagina. A shortened vagina usually doesn't change your ability to have sex, though it may take some adjustment. Women over 40 may also have their ovaries removed during this procedure. If you're premenopausal when your ovaries are removed, you'll experience menopause.
Radical cystectomy. In this operation for bladder cancer, the surgeon removes your bladder, uterus, ovaries, fallopian tubes, cervix, the front wall of your vagina and your urethra. Your surgeon reconstructs your vagina, though it may be shorter or narrower than it was before surgery. This can make sex painful. If you haven't been through menopause, removal of your ovaries will cause early menopause.
Abdominoperineal (AP) resection. AP resection is used if you have colon or rectal cancer. Your surgeon removes your lower colon and rectum. Without the cushion of the rectum, you might experience pain in your vagina during penetration. Some women who have an AP resection also have their ovaries removed. If you're premenopausal, this will cause premature menopause.
Vulvectomy. You may undergo vulvectomy if you have cancer of the vulva. Your surgeon removes the entire vulva, including the inner and outer lips, as well as the clitoris. These play a major part in sexual arousal in women. Removing the vulva and the clitoris can make the area less sensitive and make it harder for you to reach orgasm.
There isn't a clear link between breast cancer surgery and decreased sexual function. You may be self-conscious of your scars after surgery, which can cause a loss of libido. However, women who undergo breast-saving surgery, rather than complete removal of the breast (mastectomy), are more likely to enjoy breast caressing.
Hormone therapy
If you have a hormone-sensitive cancer, you might receive hormone therapy through medications, such as tamoxifen, or through surgery, such as removal of your ovaries (oophorectomy). If your cancer relies on hormones to fuel its growth, these measures can block or alter its supply.
Both medications and surgery for hormone therapy cause menopausal signs and symptoms, including vaginal atrophy and dryness. Removing your ovaries causes permanent menopause. Side effects of hormone therapy medications usually wear off after you stop taking them. Keep in mind though, that women taking hormone therapy for cancer usually take these drugs for five years or more.
Menopause
Hormone therapy for menopause: Who should take it and what are the alternatives?
What can you do to regain your sexual function?
Knowing what sexual side effects to expect before you begin your cancer treatment can help you be more prepared to deal with them as you go through treatment. If you experience sexual side effects, find out as much as you can about what's impeding your sexual function. This will help you feel more in control of the situation and help guide you to treatment options. You may also want to:
Talk with your health care team. You might be embarrassed to talk about the sexual side effects you're experiencing, but don't be. Though talking about sex can be awkward, you'll never find a solution if you don't let someone know what you're experiencing. Write down your questions if it makes you feel more comfortable. Also know that your doctor may be embarrassed or hesitant to talk about sex. Ask to be referred to a specialist or seek support from other members of your health care team, such as nurses and counselors.
Talk with your partner. Let your partner know what you're experiencing and how he or she can help you cope. For instance, you might find that using a lubricant eases your vaginal dryness or changing positions helps you avoid genital pain during sex. Together you can think of solutions to ease you back into a fulfilling sex life.
Explore other ways of being intimate. Intercourse isn't your only option for closeness with your partner. Consider spending more time together talking, cuddling or caressing. Connecting in other ways might help make you feel more comfortable and less anxious about the sexual side effects you're experiencing.
Talk with other cancer survivors. Your health care team might be able to steer you to a support group in your town. Otherwise, connect with other cancer survivors online. If you're embarrassed about discussing sex face-to-face with strangers, the online environment provides you anonymity. Start with the American Cancer Society's Cancer Survivors Network.
It may simply take time for you to regain your sexual function after cancer treatment. While that can be frustrating, know that if you had a positive and satisfying sex life before cancer, you'll likely resume that after your treatment.
June 17, 20050 -
Where do you all keep your toys? It didn't really used to be an issue, but I have a teenager now. I just remember how nosey I was when I was his age and how I could find anything. Nothing of my parents' was sacred. (Got a bit of an education, too)
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I will take bets that your son will NEVER look in a large box of sanitary napkins.
But, hey, that's just me.0 -
LMAO!!! Why didn't I think of that???
Oh! But my daughter might in a couple of years.
Hmmm.0 -
At least that would give you 2 years to figure out a place your daugh. wouldn't look Oh, how about cleaning supplies, cookbooks, under HER bed) any of the other places a teen girl never touches--at least my daugh didn't.
I was sure I'd survive her teen years, but I wasn't convinced I'd let HER LIVE !!! It got much better about the time she left for college, we became even closer than when she was a pre-teen.0 -
What if your wife has no desire to get her mojo back... and has requested that her husband just leave her alone... no kissing, no holding hands... no nothing.
Any thoughts?0 -
Just my very humble opinion - for what it's worth.
Has she recently been diagnosed? Just going through the early stages of treatment? Has it been very long since any surgery?
If so then I'd give her some room.
But if this is all several months old then I would check into counseling. As a woman I can tell you that she's probably dealing with a lot of self-image issues. I'm pretty sure we all did to some extent or another so that's very normal. But there does come a time when we need to try to work past that.
Intimacy in a marriage - not just sex, but the touching, holding, etc. - is so important. So if it hasn't been that long since everything started I would suggest you give her some room, but keep encouraging her, tell her you love her, give her whatever verbal support she needs until she's ready to move on a little. (Well - keep that up after that, too. lol) Otherwise, as I said, I think counseling would be in order.
Good luck. None of this is fun, is it??
Jen0 -
No... actually it will be a year in December since she was informed... mastectomy in January... chemo, rads, etc.
I have suggested counseling but she is not interested and does not feel that intimacy is important. She is doing outstanding in every other aspect of her life and her attitude is inspiring... however, as a husband I feel unloved and empty.0 -
I'm very sorry. I assume you've told her how you feel?
Unfortunately, when we are diagnosed and have surgery and treatment and lose our hair and whatever else we go through, it becomes all about us. And that's okay to a certain extent. But if we're married or have children we have to realize that these people have their needs, too.
I've learned from my husband that I'm not the only one going through this crap. It affects him in very real ways, too. She needs to understand that.
I have no doubt that there are some good books out there that deal with this issue. Maybe you could get a book for yourself, but share it with her. Or maybe you could try counseling alone so she'll see how important this really is.
Gosh, Matt. I don't know. I wish I had the answers for you, but I'm really just thinking out loud here. Maybe someone else will have some better insights into this for you.
OH! One more thought. I assume she's still being followed by her oncologist? Maybe you could go to the next appointment with her and ask the oncologist if this is normal - point blank - right in front of your wife. The doctor will hopefully have some very good advice.
Best of luck.
Jen0 -
Thanks... I appreciate your "thinking out loud" and your prospective.
She has said that she is not concerned with my "needs" -- however, I can't seem to believe that she does not have a need for intimacy in her life. I can't fathom the thought of life without a love life with her. I love her very deeply and no matter what... I am still crazy attracted to her.
I was with her last week at the Onc and everything went great for the check-up and all the nurses, etc. applaud her stellar attitude, etc. I feel that bringing up the intimacy issue will upset her because of the image she is portraying... but it is getting to the point where i have to.
AGAIN -- THANKS0 -
Hi Matt,
I don't know what your approach is to your wife, and I don't know anything about your relationship, but my impression is that your wife is being unfair with you about this. Did the two of you have a problem around this issue prior to breast cancer? From what I know, usually conflicts around sex, money, etc. are REALLY power struggles...and it seems like your wife has you between a rock and a hard place (pardon the expression...lol). She's giving you NO choices in the matter: ie, she's totally holding the reins. I'd strongly suggest counseling with a therapist who has experience in dealing with breast cancer issues and/or sex issues, and definitely go by yourself if she won't! Purely speculation on my part, but maybe she's afraid that intimacy will cause her to "feel" too much, and maybe she's terrified of feeling anything at this point, especially the horror of cancer...but her "solution" isn't going to work for either one of you for long (I could be totally wrong in my speculation, though).
Anyway, I'm no therapist but I've been in a lot of therapy, so like I said, I'd suggest that you find yourself a good therapist and go...by yourself, if necessary.
Good luck and hugs,
Liza0 -
Quote:
No... actually it will be a year in December since she was informed... mastectomy in January... chemo, rads, etc.
I have suggested counseling but she is not interested and does not feel that intimacy is important. She is doing outstanding in every other aspect of her life and her attitude is inspiring... however, as a husband I feel unloved and empty.
Matt,
some people are really good at masking Depression. You say she is great in every other aspect.
Somewhere inside she's obviously holding back.
She might need professional help.
(The hubby of my friend actually had such severe Depression, he's on medication now and a MIRACLE happened, you would not recognize him as the same person).
Everybody is different. Go in and talk to the doc by yourself first, then he/she can bring the subject up to your wife next time. Seems like she's (and what you have together) worth it!!!!!!
God Luck.0
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