I WANT MY MOJO BACK!
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YAY, DEB!!!!! For gettin' the mojo, for talkin' that sweet/nasty talk, and for losing 8 freakin' pounds!!!!! YOU GO, GIRL!!!!!!
~Marin
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Ok girls..I definitely have it back (4 yrs post Dx) with an amazing new boyfriend and just feeling full of hope. Now I want to know a few things..does anyone use a vibrator during sex with a partner?? because there is one position he likes that doesn't give me much stimulation, so I was wondering if that would be weird to fire up a vibrator and both be likin it together..
also, am I supposed to shave or wax ahem down there??? one guy I dated before told me "all" younger women he'd dated did, but that he prefers au naturel...so what's the point of shaving/waxing? is it visual or practical(easier for oral sex)?? is it true the "everybody" does this??
life is good and getting better all the time...
thx for your help ladies, I have always loved this thread..
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Well, I just know that Marin will chime in here shortly
but before she does I wanted to comment.I have been shaving/waxing since my early 20's (I'm 47) and found that most guys like it. I like it, too, as it seems cleaner (fresher???). I think it does add to the sensation.
As for vibrators, I've only used them (I think I have 5?) with one guy and he bought me all but one. Again, I'd say most guys would be open it it? Have fun!
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Noted this 2004 comment. i'm wondering if things got better for you? I'm on arimidex until 9/08 - and hate the no libido side effect. Seems unfair given everything else to deal with. Missing our old sex life.
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Ahhh, Jaybird, you know me too well! I say absolutely 'yes' to the vibrator with your guy! Assuming he's open-minded and interested in your pleasure, he should be very fine with it. It should add to his excitement too...he gets to enjoy a favorite position and receive extra stimulation as well. I've found that men really like your using a vibrator on their testicles (gently!) and frenulum (and on up, depending on the guy
).Onto to the bikini or Brazilian wax....like Jaybird, I've been virtually hairless for quite awhile. First did it with a younger bf (he was in his 20s/I was in my 40s) who also kept his own 'area' hairless. Once I experienced the freedom and the extra sensation, I never wanted to go back! Then the 1 1/2 years of having a completely bald VaJJ, courtesy of chemo, made it so easy that I just had to have laser hair removal as soon as it started to grow back in. Voila....no more muss 'n fuss! So YES, go for it....you'll love it and so will he!
Now skinny....I'm not sure what 2004 comment you're referring to. This thread was started by Mena to discuss the very same difficulties that you're having and the many pages of posts offer a bajillion ideas on how to start things up again. Suggestions range from using toys and dress-up to taking vitamins to watching soft porn or reading erotica. Many women find that just trying to remain affectionate and keep up the cuddling while also sometimes going ahead and pleasing your man for his own pleasure works very well and often eventually stimulates your own sexual feelings. So maybe, when you have time, you can peruse these earlier posts. And stick with us...this is about sharing ideas and experiences!
~Marin
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Been gone a while. My friends! I missed ya, but had to get away from BC land for a while.
I seem to be going through what my friends are calling my mid-life crisis. I am going through men like a man goes through women. If I had notches on my bed post, I'd be in trouble. No, it isn't THAT many. It just seems like it. If I play with someone and the sex isn't good, I don't see him again.
The most interesting thing about all of them is that none of them know about the BC. My scar is fading enough and well, it is never really brightly lit... so they just don't know... kinda nice!
I bought a glass toy from Adam and Eve! I highly recommend it! It is amazing! Here is a link to the toy!
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Hmmmm..so you all say yes to the vibrator..y'know , he did ask me if I had any "by chance"..so i guess that was a not so subtle hint that I was too dumb to pick up on. So what is the best vibrator for mutual stimulation..ie not loud and obtrusive??? not like a huge big ol thang??!!
maybe I'll try the Brazilian..I never knew it could give extra sensation..that alone is worth a try..but some ladies I talked to at my hairdresser's said it hurts (waxing). waxing isalso expensive to have done and I'm already spending a forune to color my hair and get it blown out. but shaving (bikini line) seems to irritate my skin..any tips?
I'm just finding out that in middle age it seems to take some novelty to keep from getting stale.. back in the day, it really wasn't needed..but older guys seem to have a higher threshold and more need for novelty
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CLAIIRE!!!! OMG, girl, I'm so happy to see you! I think of you often and have wondered how those notches were racking up....glad to hear you're still mojo-ing like crazy! I can't say the same since I'm just starting to date after finally breaking up with the bf. But I'm looking forward to much activity in the near future (have at least 3 'potentials' lined up!)! So the glass thing looks intriguing and the first thing I thought of was how it would feel if you put it in the freezer for an hour or so..
? And, even better, I wonder if its microwaveable.. ? Hmmmmmm........So soccermom....I totally agree that more mature guys require more novelty, between their extra staying power and their oh-so-vast experience, it can be challenging to be unique. But possible of course! Why don't you try the site that Claiire refers to above, Adam & Eve, for a good, small vibrator...
http://www.adameve.com/clit-vibrators-c-24.aspx
I'd suggest the Triple Cl*t Flicker Vibrating C*** Ring...it looks like fun for both of you. Or the Mighty Mite, the I-Vibe Pocket Rocket or the Fukuoku 9000 Massager. These have reputations for effectiveness and are small and simple to use, especially since you're looking for something for couple use. Now as for the waxing/shaving issue, I'd recommend an initial waxing to get it all cleaned up (most women like a semi-Brazilian which leaves you with a 'landing strip' of hair, but everything else clean). Then follow up by a daily once-over with a straight-edge or good electric shaver (I don't like the electric because it can pinch the delicate skin). Shave first in the direction of growth, then against it, using a sharp blade and a gentle touch (you don't need to press hard) and lightly stretch the skin to make it flat as you go. Finish up with either a light layer of Benadryl cream (if you don't expect immediate activity down there....I'm sure the cream isn't too tasty!) OR a light dusting of cornflower or powder. Voila!
SOOOOO......HAPPY MOJO-ING, EVERYONE!
~Marin
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Thank you for your help everyone...I have lots of new adventures ahead
Benadryl cream..never would have thought of that, so it helps keep you from breaking out? Does the waxing really make the hair grow in more slowly, as is claimed?? Yeah, I've never been very resourceful in bed...now I want to get with the program, I feel so naive..but willing!
A new thing for me with my new love is a little smack he gives me on the butt when we're really into things..i never understood what the attraction was in that before, but now i do..check it out, girls..
mojo maniacs, unite!
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OK, what IS a Brazilian? I've been to Brazil, am going back in a couple of months (ah, exactly!) but there's no nude beaches in the area where I lived.
Back in my younger days when I had lots of pubic hair... we used to trim it for more comfortable oral sex. I've never been into the bare look - don't like that pre-pubescent thing. And after having none during chemo I keep thinking about that line in someone's memoir where she says she looked like a worm with no hair anywhere.
That said, when I was doing primary care I got to see lots of interesting shave jobs on young women when doing paps - from nothing to little hearts or diamonds just above the labia.
Jorf
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......but the 'bare look' seems to really turn the man on!!!
I leave a little strip, to avoid the pre-pubescent look; but he prefers it with nothing.
Once I started shaving, I couldn't go back to hair - eewgh.....what IS that horrid stuff doin there? I am planning on getting it all waxed next week when I go for my legs - am rather dreading it, as I'm sure it will be extremely painful....any tips from hardened waxers in that area would be gratefully received......
Jorf - I always thought that a Brazilian was when a small strip was left, and a Hollywood when the whole lot is removed.....but maybe I got that the wrong way round!
Sam
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"hardened waxer" (hey, there isn't a laughing emoticon much less a what-a-great-pun emoticon!)
I guess my hubby will just need to get his turn-on by the fact that I'm healthy and hairy again. The no hair thing would be just too reminiscent of bad times for us!
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FYI, y'all: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brazilian_waxing I will warn you that if you don't want to see a pic of a woman with a Brazilian, don't click on this!
It totally works for me!
~Marin
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I'm going to seduce my hubby tonight. He is a little stressed, and a little under the weather, so I think he needs it. Time to get out my magic jar (do you ladies remember what that is?
)Love and prayers, Deb
ps-Marin, did I miss the picture? I was curious!
pps-my exercise routine has gone to nothing since starting to substitute teach. Frustrating!
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OK, chicas, it's Halloween and time to play dress-up! Check out these cute costumes:
http://www.eagleroselingerie.com/
I love the school girl one, but I have a very, very new boyfriend (no action except sweet, slow, hot making-out so far....makes me feel like a school girl!), so I'll hold off on breaking out the costumes and scaring the crap outta him
So Deb, I don't know why you couldn't see the pic. Try just googling 'Brazilian wax' and click on the Wikipedia link that shows up on the list. And aren't you the giving wife? Niiiiiice! (what's in the jar...I don't recall?).
~Marin
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Marin-cute costumes! You cracked me up about worrying about scaring the crap out of your boyfriend. Now that Greg and I are getting so creative nowadays, I don't think anything could have possibly scared him before we got married.
The "magic jar" is that stuff that numbs your mouth so you can perform oral without the gag reflex (something I have big issues with-no pun intended!). It's fantastic!
Deb0 -
I agree, Deb, they are adorable. But I do think I'll hold off since I've not even gotten naked with the man yet, never mind dressing up the nakedness!
Maybe you should post a link or the name of the magical BJ stuff here? I'm sure that there are a few lurkers who would love to try it!
In the meantime, HAPPY MOJO-ING, EVERYONE!!!!!
~Marin
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What is the actual definition of Mojo?
Is it a Mississippi term, or does it reference who we once inhabited; as life changes, the terms of simplistic demeanor shrink.
Mojo...duh...cup of coffee for this mojoe.
I will never get it back...I said goodbye the night I left my house to have the surgery. Her face is lost in the mirror. I had no idea I would never see her again.
Mojo?
Indi
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http://shunga.com/pages/en_shunga_products.asp?ctry=1
Hi Sisters,
Here is a link to the Shunga line of products. I use the Shunga Exotic Art Sensations balm. The description says to use it to prolong a man's arousal (we haven't tried it that way), but when I bought it, all the girls swore by it as a way to help desensitize when giving oral. It TRULY works, we speak from very satisified experience! We use lots of the Shunga products, actually, I bought the giant "kit" of stuff.
Happy Mojo-ing!
Love and prayers, Deb0 -
Well, Deb, aren't you the surprising little vixen! Those Shunga products look intriguing! Maybe I'll get to check them out soon....just got in from my second date with New Guy. I'm so totally infatuated that I feel like I'm in high school again! I told him that I didn't feel comfortable with intimacy yet (though I actually want to almost rape him!) and he has respected that, but we're ending up in these long, heart-pounding makeout sessions that seem to scream for MORE! I don't know how long I can hold out here...in fact, I think I'm becoming more comfortable with the idea of intimacy by the minute! Ughhhh!
'Mojo'....magical power or the like. You might not feel it, Indi, but I'll bet it's there. Just takes some encouragement to come out, maybe? Or a magic potion of some sort...?
~Marin
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I also suggest the powder and oil combo-together, they taste like candy cigarettes!
Deb0 -
I wonder if they have calories or perhaps some nutritional value? Wait a minute....who cares?!
(Do you know that some studies have claimed to measure the nutritional characteristics of semen? I repeat....WHO CARES?!
)~Marin
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I am hoping someone can answer this question. Do all women have a loss of libido after chemo and surgery?
My wife finished up surgery a couple of months ago and I am beginning to mourn the loss of our sex life. I am glad to have her with us and I wouldn't exchange that for anything. But I miss what we once had and I fear that it will never come backagain. She has never mentioned it so I am especially saddened that she doesn't seem to miss it at all.
And BTW, how can you even bring this subject up as a husband without coming accross as a selfish pig? I feel guilty for even feeling sad. Maybe I am being selfish. If my wife is happy, shouldn't that be enough for me?
Just thinking out loud.
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Joel...You have every right to your feelings and to wishing that you and your wife could be pysically close like you were before breast cancer. But breast cancer does change everything and it's not just physical, as you're finding out. Not all of us lose our libido from treatments or from the trauma of the changes our bodies undergo, but it seems that almost every one of us goes through a period of re-evaluation and re-adjustment, usually preceeded by a (sometimes long) period characterized by shock, depression, revulsion, avoidance...you name it. Many have identified this period as akin to post-traumatic stress disorder and, indeed, many professionals are beginning to agree. So if your wife had surgery only a few months ago, it's likely that she's still in the process of coming to grips with an entirely new view of life, herself and all of her relationships, especially the ones closest to her. You'll need to be very patient. But that doesn't mean that you have to keep yourself at a distance. In fact, tenderness and affection could be most welcome, as long as your wife doesn't sense any pressure to respond in kind, at least right away. You may find, eventually, that she, or both of you, might benefit from counseling around intimacy issues...or they may resolve naturally as your wife comes to grips more. In the meantime, you may be interested in reading The Breast Cancer Husband, a book that a number of partners on these boards have recommended (try amazon.com).
Hang in there. It's not at all unusual and there's a great deal to hope for. She just needs time and understanding. But so do you, so don't be so rough on yourself.
Hopefully, some of the other women here will check in on their experiences. I'm not married and I was lucky enough not I to suffer a loss of sexual desire friom treatments, etc.
~Marin
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I really wish I could get something to reduce my libido. At least that way we'd be in sync.
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Lots of affection for now, Joel. The rest you might want to take to the showers, at least for awhile.
~Marin
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I'm sure you meant cold showers... alone.
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Um, no, not cold showers and, yes, alone...if you don't count your hand.....I am encouraging you to pleasure yourself until your wife feels comfortable enough to participate.
Sorry, but these bc times sometimes call for desperate measures....
~Marin
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Joel,
I'm really sorry that you and your wife (what is her name-so I don't keep calling her "your wife"?) are having a drought.This is a tough time, and Marin (being the BC Goddess of Mojo that she is) really said it quite perfectly. Most of us do lose our libido. I lost mine in two stages. The first time was when I started chemo in November of 2005 and I just lost my hair. I was not only feeling like some sort of alien had invaded my body, I now had to deal with looking the way I did. No woman can ever truly imagine how she will look bald, and when you suddenly are, it shatters your world.
I'll never forget the first time I saw myself with a freshly shaven head (my hair was coming out in clumps and I couldn't take it). I decided right then and there I was undesireable. My dh tried to make advances, but I would just say I was too sick and tired. I was sick and tired, but I am the biggest supporter of physical affection-even during arguments (hubby hates that). It was so unnatural that I didn't want to be with the man I love.
Unfortunately, for me, that loss of libido lasted from November thru May (when chemo finally ended for me). I immediately started feeling better, and since my hair began growing back in around March, I was feeling more "womanly." Of course, if you look at pictures of me from that time, I was obviously still bald......
Anyway, my libido came back with power and might. Until a month later when I had my bilateral mastectomy.
Oh, talk about one of the hardest personal self-image struggles ever. In my mind, I was no longer a woman. I had stubble for hair, my body just looked ragged and worn, and now no breasts?!? I had no desire for sex.I would "give in" a few times, but those first few times, I refused to take off my top. I didn't want my husband, my partner, my love to see me.
How did I pull myself out of that funk? Well, I began to make myself "pretty" in other ways. I re-vamped my entire wardrobe and wore only the most feminine clothes, and got rid of my "mom jeans" in exchange for low cut ones. Once my hair covered my entire head, I "styled it." I started getting my expanders filled, and had more shape under my clothes, so I didn't look like I was a fifth grader anymore.
Once life got back on track, so did our sex life. And, I am thrilled to say that our intimate life has reached a level I honestly don't think we would have achieved without cancer. We are waaaaaay more creative (breasts really had a big role before), way more sensitive to our feelings, and way more sensitive to the pleasure of our partner.
I know it is just as hard for the spouse/boyfriend/significant other as it is for the woman with bc. You are not being selfish for feeling the way you are feeling. You were exactly right by saying that you are mourning the loss of your sex life. You do have to grieve, but after the grief comes acceptance.
I hope that gives some other insight. Please feel free to ask whatever you need to-that is why we are here. I'll be thinking of you.
Love and prayers, Deb0 -
I should also add that my dh made it clear that he didn't care that I was bald, ragged, worn and breastless. He was very sensitive to the fact that I was self-conscious. He made it much easier for me.
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