OMG They Found the Cure for Stupid
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bought my asparagus today!! yay!! lol
i think the cure guy was at the grocery store hunting me down. i was in the pharmacy section, with just prune juice and asparagus in my cart.... this guy walks by me, never taking his eyes off me, (i had my wig and make up done today
and i looked goood!),and while he walks by me and smiles, i have a big bottle of miralax in my hand! oh great! prune juice, asparagus, and miralax!!!can anyone tell i am painfully constipated???
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hdangelbaby: Everybody poops, but only the lucky ones get to poop every day! I took 4 pain pills after surgery, and each time I took one I took a Dulcolax. I was still constipated for 5 days after surgery! Dulcolax doesn't make you go, it just makes it easier when you do! bahahaha! Here's to you pooping soon!
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isn't it crazy how us cancer gals get excited when we poop??? and really upset when we can't?? i am on my second to last taxol and the body aches just get to me, and i had strep last week, so i have been on vicodin ( only 2 a day, that's all i need), and i have been so freaking backed up!!! like my lower back was killing me i was so backed up!
this is funny though, after my grocery excursion, i go to starbucks drive through and get a quadruple shot caramel macchiato, and with my plastic spoon, in my car, i mix my miralax in with my coffee!! then drank it on the way home.... got home, warmed up the prune juice, drank that and PRESTO 1/2 hour later, i felt MUCH better!!!!
funny how that makes one's day!
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WOW!! Glad to hear you went. It sucks being backed up. Nice to hear the guys are still checking you out too! You go girl!
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hdangelbaby~~~ Congratulations!!!! Woo-Hoo!! I would so release some balloons for you if I had some! I know that feeling so well and I know how thrilled I am to just have a normal bowel movement. Although I'm not sure that normal means drinking half bottle of milk of mag! But hey, it's better than the alternative! I love the term someone used on here beofre the "cactus butt"... I dread the ole cactus butt!! Good for you hdangelbaby!!
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thanks!! oh and yeah, not only releasing the beast made my day , but getting totally checked out did too!! must mean i had my eyebrows drawn on straight! lol!!!
i have to admit, last night in the throes of back pain (from cactus butt, lol) and painful constipation, my wonderful husband rubbed my back, and i cried, cause i also slammed my hand in the drawer when i was getting the ice cream scoop out, and i cried cause i felt so awful and he just soothed me. he was ran over by a car in 1999, so he understands alot of what i am and well what we gals are going through. the pain, the constipation, the way we look is different (he is scarred up pretty good, has permanent road rash down one arm, people always think he is dirty), the humbling of having a good bm, the *almost addicting* pain killer scenario..... i thank god everyday we found eachother, cause i can cry to him about not being able to poo.... and he still thinks i'm sexy! hahaha!!!
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I will never look at garlic quite the same again, lol! Brings tears to my eyes!!!
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hdangelbaby: Your DH sounds like an amazing guy, but anyone that would flirt with you seeing what was in your grocery cart, well, I don't know, lol! Come to think of it, I got hit on alot with my wig and my chemo glow! My nurse told me about an amazing product called Mag07 which I used throughout chemo to avoid the cactus butt. Much better then all the other stuff and it works fast.
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It just goes to show, you can never underestimate the power of properly drawn eyebrows.
hdangelbaby, I agree with MBJ, it sounds like your DH is a great guy.
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Angel LOLOLOL...I totally understand
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Speaking of making things easier: I was having a "rough" time with going. I finally got tired of straining and then going till I had diarrhea. I began taking 2 generic stool softners EVERY morning and life is so oooooo much easier. Maybe not every day, but at least I don't have to use glycerin suppostories to "move" without hurting.
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Iodine....wish I was as lucky as you in that dept....I take 3 generic colace every morning, but something called Herbs and Prunes that has Senna in it and just added a colon cleanser to the regimine and still struggling....may have to try the miralax again......I thought only old people talked about their regularity....but it seems like its old people plus BC survivors!!!!
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I struggled alot and for years took 14 dulcolax, 3 extra strength exlax and 2-3 tablespoons of mineral oil per day and still only went once a week and still it was hard and painful.Often had to use enemas. I started using Omega XL about 9 months ago or so and thats all I use now. I take at least 3 per day but when I have increaed pain I add an omega for each pain pill I take in addition to the 3. I had been having lots of pain in my knees and that pain is nearly gone since I started taking omega. Its advertised for inflammation but does other stuff too. I dont try things like that unless my onc approves. Most supplements I have tried had littlel or no effect but this one has made my life so much better and no poo pains LOL. Hugs, Mazy
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I wouldn't want to share my pooping problems with anyone else but you girls...may the poop be with you...
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These guys were trying to distract us off course today.
We WILL find you, cure guy! Your friends can't always be there!
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Is this him??
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too bad my prune juice i'm drinking isn't alcoholic OR green! lol!
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Maybe this will help...
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Lowrider - When you stop for gas, be on the look out! Don't let anyone put a GPS tracking device on your car! The cure guy has spies everywhere. We need a secret code word so we can call in Dog in case you run into trouble.
Fuzzy - you working on our theme song??
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Cure for Cancer ( NEWEST and Mostly IMPROVED)
A tried and true recipe scientifically researched and approved by the OMG Contributory Council. Results guaranteed in 2 weeks.
Disclaimer: Council accepts no responsibility for any or all of the following information or it's results and can be contacted at No Fixed Address.Have on hand:
83 rolls of Bounty ( due to recent shortage may be substituted)
4 joints of "medicinal" marijuana ( may use alternative of 2 asparagus spears. Note: must be dipped in gasoline or won't stay lit)
2 recycled enema bags ( pink, if you can find them, check for leaks)
1 handful of dried sage for smudging ( poultry seasoning can be used in a pinch)
1 crackpot ..er crockpot
1 CB radio antenna, extendable
1 roll duct tape
1 pair hip waders ( do not confuse with "hip" waiters)
1 roll "foil of tin"
1 high speed blender
1 huge vat of "special" Mud from a remote undisclosed location somewhere ( reserve one cup for oral consumption)
1 " cured" bacon bra ( may be special ordered from Meece's Cure-ture)
1 pkg.Starbutts coffee enema grounds ( coarse grind packs more punch)
6 "extra hot" habanero peppers ( mix with horseradish and grind to paste)
Fishing tackle box ( goes well with the hip waders)
Magic WandSnacks aka Cleansing Diet: breadless sandwich, sugarless doritos, sugarless brownies, sugarless pepsi, sugarless alcohol
Note: A recent Scientific Study..see page 6 of this thread..has warned that consumption of bread triggers latent criminal tendencies and possible insanity.Before starting, please plan to add ingredients below to the pot during a Lunar Eclipse. DO NOT use teflon or plastic implements or containers. Rice must be hand polished. Since root canals cause cancer make sure you visit your dentist prior to implementing "the cure" and have all root canals REVERSED.
Recipe
1 cup polished rice ( allow two weeks to polish 1 cup)
4 cups pureed asparagus ( hand picked by Trappist Monks preferred)
Twist of lemon
63 cloves of " elephant butt " garlic Note: Garlic must be well rested or will NOT work so store in your RESTROOM until ready to use.
1 cup alkaline oxygenated water ( blend water on high for 10 hours until oxygenated, add 1 tablet alka seltzer to achieve alkalinity)
Bones of an "older than dirt " organic chicken (must have expired by natural causes)
1 spritz of insecticide
2 road apples ( seasonal variations are acceptable)
1 tsp. olive oil
Eye of Newt
Wolfsbane
1 bottle of windex
1 container cottage cheese, low fat
1 handful of flax seeds
1 cup of bacon bits
1 cup of sauteed mushrooms
1/2 cup hummus, dehydrated
1 Belgium waffle
10 heads Cauliflower
1 Bean sproutNote: If you suffer from erectile dysfunction add 1 ripe banana
Simmer the above for 9 days 6 hours and 3 minutes in crockpot until the consistency of tar. Wave your magic wand over contents, remove bones. Stir 3 times for luck and toss a handful over your left shoulder.Set aside:
1 cup for enema
2 cups for topical application
1 cup for oral administraction
1 cup for remaining body orifices ( to cover all the bases)Cool to body temperature..
Instructions:
1.Don your bacon bra DURING A HOTFLASH to optimize crispiness and establish proper fit.Remember, always "dress for success."
2. Coat your body generously with the paste of habenero peppers. Keep fire extinguisher handy.
3. Roll in vat of special MUD until well coated and totally unrecognizable.
4.Fashion tin foil hat and afix to head. If you have no hair use Furniture Glue.
5.Don hip waders and duct tape CB antenna to forehead. Extend to full length.
6. WITH A POSITIVE ATTITUDE ( because we all know our cancer was caused by our apparently long suppressed, spiteful and vitriolic bitterness) administer pureed asparagus enema while standing on left foot and with left eye crossed. Hold and repeat " I am cured" 6 times. Expel and then follow with Starbutts Coffee Enema. (Hold the cream and sugar) Do NOT expel. Next,to borrow a few words from that well known, and much loved poetic masterpiece ODE to a CLOVE, " fill the void" . This can be done with a garlic clove "plug."
7.Apply topical mixture while pointing north by southwest. Prepare the oral portion and drink from an old boot. Roll dice until you get a pair of sixes. Follow with a shot glass of MUD. Light sage and insert remaining mixture into all other body orifices with a plunger.
After 17 days, expel the enema and then shower ( with the Cure Guy fron NM if possible). Towel off with Bounty substitute and then insert 10 rolls in your pants. Light a candle and send 'the cure" to 700 of your closest friends within 7 minutes.After you have cleaned up, look for your local " Puff for the Cure" event and join in with your asparagus or medicinal pot joints. Or just enjoy a deep fried chocolate covered aspargus spear with your prune wine and let "the cure" work it's course.
Congratulations, you are now cured.
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too funny!!!
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Oh, that was good.
Miralax was given me when I went to rehab hospital after hip replacement. I thought the doc overseeing the rehab part had stock in the company. Every AM with meds we had to drink a glass of it with either water( or awful, awful pineapple juice or some SWEET juice) but the stuff worked. I was amazed. I also find that ducolax suppos. are helpful. When just need an easing of the dryness, glycerin suppos are helpful. (hold long enough to help them melt)
As are warm mineral oil fleet's size enemas (empty the regular container and refill with mineral oil, warm in a bowl of hot water and administer)
I've had these conversations in the past on these boards and any and all suggestions are usually a great help to those reading the info for the first time. Prunes did nothing for me. I've given a Large # of enemas in my career and warm solution works better than cold, and holding a towel between your legs helps you get to the potty with little loss of solution. Just a few free tips from a pro.
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Lmao! Emily, you have me rolling!! Good job!
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uh-oh...now I'm worried....SHOULD I be having erectile disfunction? I think I need to see my Dr....
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Maybe if you are sporting the bacon bra, the erectile disfunction will go away. They are, pretty hot...
I was wondering, I am on the go quite a bit lately and don't know if I can take the time for the Starbutt's enema. Does anyone know if you can take the whole bean variety for cure on the go?
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well all those magic cures aside, i have the real one.
my boyfriend/fiance/number one critic/whatever you want to call him has come up with The Cure for depression.
he says all you need to do is "just put the clamp on it."
in other words, anything can just be cured by wishing.
haven't any of you tried this?
the world will be a much better place when this secret is out.
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update: he says if you are feeling bad, knowing that you "shouldn't" be feeling so badly, you should be aware that your feelings are just something inside you, and it is your CHOICE let them make you feel bad.
your choice alone.
and if you didn't make such a stupid choice to feel bad, you'd feel better.
he's a genius, i swear.
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1vamom:That's awesome! Does he know Cancer Cure Guy? Because a positive attitude can cure cancer!
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Now I'm wishing for a cure!
Meece, maybe you could try instant coffee for the instant enema??
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thegood5...Although I have "heard" that Erectile Dysfunction is often just the pet name some women call their significant others, I think you are probably safe...ED is pretty rare among the female cancer population but I didn't want to leave any stone unturned. You just never know.
1vamom..I'll include a clamp in the next recipe for the "cure" update ( what sort of clamp?) but perhaps I could suggest another place for that clamp to go in the meantime? If you get my drift...
WISHING for the cure to all things here....
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