2013 Survivors!!!
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Chrisrenee......ditto....too funny...I'm 65 so happily you have many, many years to grow
Up t be me......so sorry about your LE .....hope it will be forever MILD and not cause you
too much comfort....we know about fking BC right....the gift that keeps on giving.....hang in there.0 -
2Fried, that was a lovely story. Thank you for sharing!
Juneau, what you said reminded me of something in the Catholic catechism: "Where is God? God is everywhere." I may not have this verbatim. But however it's worded, I always took it to mean God is inside of us, not just outside. It reminds me of Buddhist teachings about connectedness. Religions seem to have a lot of things in common.
I am not particularly religious. But I do believe that if there is a God, he/she does not dole out illness as punishment or health as reward. I have met too many Stage IV ladies who have done nothing to deserve cancer. For me the question has been not so much "Why me" as "Why them?"
I have a PET/CT scan scheduled Wednesday. The treatment team that reviewed my case suggested I have 6.5 weeks of radiation to the mastectomy area and nodes. I'm tempted just to move on with my life, but I will probably do the rads first. They think I have a 25-30% chance of local or regional recurrence, and radiation could get that down to 5%.
Hope you are all enjoying your weekend! My husband and I went out to look at Christmas lights last night, and today we did a jigsaw puzzle together. This was one of those weekends that was all about relaxing and enjoying life! That's my happy.
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juneau - as promised, finally got an updated pic to stick. This is me giving my hubby a chuckle while on our trip to great wolf lodge this weekend. They give the kids these stupid wolf ear head bands, so I stuck one on my bald head and told him I was about to give him a visual he'd never forget. So here you go - enjoy!
Been reading all posts this weekend but too tired and too much to resopnd to all. Had a busy and fun weekend getaway. Unfortunately - it ended with a stomach bug creeping up on us. My 2-year old seems done with it, my almost 5 year old started with it this afternoon, and my poor hubby is in the bathroom upchucking at this very moment... My hands are cracked and bleeding from so much hand washing. Considering all the vomit cleaning and huggging I did in the past 48 hours it would be a miracle if I avoid this bug - especially since I'm pretty sure I'm in my nadir from my final taxol. Fingers crossed, especially since I'm due for herceptin tomorrow morning and pre-surgical testing on thursday. Would hate to see my date with my squishees be changed for any reason...
Hugs and love to all!
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Thanks for the tempurpedic opinions. It does have a 90 day trial, pay return shipping only ($300.) May give it a try... our bed is almost 10 yrs old and time to replace.
Juneau, wow. that's all I can say. very inspirational.
Had a nice party for my dad/stepmom's 40th anniversary and her 76th b-day. Dad is 83. There he was with all of us, including me (57) and my sis (51) as cancer survivors. Life is something, huh?
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Ramols- LOVE your new profile pic! Glad you had a good time this weekend minus the bug.
Hope everyone has a great week.0 -
Lori asked if anyone was experiencing worries of recurrence and trying to acclimate to "regular" life again in the 2012 Sisters thread. I posted this reply:
Lori, cowpower: oh yes. We've been talking about it I the 2013 SURVIVORS thread I started recently. I am struggling with what i think is akin to PTSD. I spent so much time focusing on treatment, next steps and just persevering through it all; that now I'm starting to process and FEEL the true magnitude of what I have just lived through. That's a CAPITAL "I" because I still can't believe it's really happened.
I'll post this on the other thread and maybe start a new conversation.
Thoughts??0 -
Lisa2012: we bought a firm mattress and a temper pedis TOPPER at Macy's for a couple hundred. Love, LOVE my bed now!
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Juneaubug - We've been talking about that very thing in the support group I go to. How we all just get through treatment and suddenly get hit by emotions and crazy at some point. The therapist said it is akin to PTSD - we've just been through a war and we need to give ourselves time to grieve and be angry and sad and mourn and all that stuff. And she said it may come back five years from now and you might get hit with a different set of emotions. Just know it's okay and normal. And let yourself process it, don't try to surpress it. Feel it and then let it go. She had me do some one-on-one counseling because I was dealing with a lot of life things while trying to deal with cancer. So be good to yourself, know you're a warrior and your battle scars are gonna hurt some times.
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Juneau I would love to add a thread like that to my favorites!
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Karen; for me this is that thread. We're survivors... Lets talk about it (or ANYTHING else we want to!). 😘
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Juneau- I think we would all be lying to ourselves if we saidvwe don't worry about recurrence. Honestly, it's not like I think about every second, every minute, of every day. I think about about only when something happens. Labs come back abnormal, every time I have to go back to the Oncologist. I think I'm trying to prepare myself for the other shoe to drop. I was talking to a cardiac rehab therapist friend, I wad telling him what the Onc said about me having a mild case of lymphedema, and he said you have gotten all the way through this and now this shit comes up. When he said that, I think I had been subconsciously preparing myself for this (lymphedema) that when my Onc said yes you have it, that it wasn't a big shock. I knew the risk of having a BMX with node removal that it's always going to be there.
So with my above mentioned story, I'm sitting here at my hospital 30 mins early waiting on my OT visit with my friend. I've already verified my benefits they will cover the sleeves and glove 100% no limit until the end of the year. So now it's just a waiting game.0 -
Chrisrenee... that SUCKS!
I am going to see my old therapist tonight. Might look to find someone new who specializes in PTSD actually. She focuses more on addicition and with 6 years clean and a strong footing in a 12 step program, I can focus elsewhere.
SO ladies.... I finally did IT! I just went and walked on the treadmill in the gym here at work for 20 minutes. Nothing to heavy as I am not cleared for exercise following my exchange, so I just walked at a 2.8 mph speed. Didn't feel too bad; I might actually do that again tomorrow.
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Thanks juneaubugg for reposting the question from 2012 Sisters. I have often wondered if what I am going through is similar to PTSD. In addition to the cancer, I also lost my mother a couple of weeks ago after taking care of her through Alzheimers (she went into assisted living 2 mos. before I was diagnosed). I am not working right now, but need to find a job. Maybe that will help with the feelings of depression.
I think you are right, we spend so much time trying to survive the surgeries, chemo, etc. that is doesn't really hit us that "oh sh&t I have cancer" and think about what it really means.
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LoriBach....my condolences
Juneaubugg....congrats on getting on that treadmill, I can see your halo shinning all the way to Toronto.....lol
Chrisrenee.....so sorry to hear about your LE ...just totally sucks....BC truly is the gift that keeps on giving!!!!!
I've told my story a few times about my two meltdowns after finishing treatment so won't bore you all with it again except to say it was not pretty.....finally got on anti-depressants
and anti- anxiety meds....they have changed my life. Most mornings I wake up and immediately think OMG you had cancer, but that goes away pretty fast and I'm able to get on with my day teaching. I'm not advocating "drugs" but if you are going through
such a bad time where you can't function (that was me before) I sincerely recommend
speaking with your GP......0 -
Loribach - my sympathies .. My father had Alzheimer's and it is such a terrible disease ... You have been through a lot so give your self time to heal physically and emotionally ... It does take time and things will fall in place .. Maybe slower then you want ..
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Been thinking a lot about what you've all been writing about the PTSD connection. Not sure I have anything truly meaningful to say about it except that I get it and feel the same things. I have done my best (for better or worse) to not even find out my recurrance rates or look up anything online about it. I like to live in a world where I can believe that if I do all the things they tell me to do - I'll wrap up my active treatment and move on with my life, with cancer in the distant past. I of course realize this is a bit of a fantasy world - but try to live in it nonetheless. That said - I would be lying if I said that the negative thoughts haven't been creeping up on me lately. Not sure how to banish them - and not sure that is the right answer. Truth is it could come back at any time and there's not a whole damn lot i/we can do about it. I wonder if maybe its better to just accept it and find a way to live in that new space and reality. After all - this forced business of looking potential death in the face is whats supposed to drive me/us to make the most of this life that we have - right? I really want to find life lessons and new meanings through all of this - maybe even a new purpose in life. Who knows. What I'm really trying to do is wake up each day and be the best me I can be for my family and myself. I don't succeed every day, but - I sure am trying. And the truth is - things are always worse for someone else... So what I have f'ing cancer. There are 20 families in Connecticut going to bed tonight without tucking in one of their children. At least I still have mine to tuck in - and they have their health. Not to be a Debbie Downer - but sometimes perspective jumps in our faces when we need it most. Anyway - guess I had more to say than I thought...
Big hugs to all of you tonight!0 -
Been thinking too about changing the quote in my signature. Here is my new one. The babysitter started playing that song from the Brave movie for my kids and I haven't been able to get it out of my minde. The hook is sticking with me. Feels like a good motto to try to live by now...
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Ramols you got that right! I remember when I was going through the AC and taxol my comfort would be to wake up from yet another nap and see my kids on the bed with me watching tv or playing. That was my comfort. My heart breaks for all the parents who lost someone that day.
So I have a confession to make and since I'm having a downer of a night and we've been talking about PTSD and all here goes:
DISCLAIMER - I know what I'm about to write is in no way shape or form true. Just me feeling sorry for myself tonight.
I feel I gave myself BC. For years I would talk about how I wanted to have my boobs lifted so they weren't hanging down to my knees. Then I started with the wow would I love to try a pixie cut or grow out my bangs for the first time ever in my 43 years. Or I'm sure you know this one - I've been coloring my hair for 30 years I wonder what my natural color looks like? Then I got the dx. I got to keep my breast but now one hangs just a little different and all my hair wishes came true. Now I am a positive person. I've handled this fairly well but I still feel I brought this on. What you put out into the universe comes back at you times three. Did I bring this on in some cosmic way? Only the universe knows.
Thank you for listening.
Karen
PS - my BFF got us ornaments with angel wings and a pink ribbon. My says survivor and hers says supporter.0 -
Karen - totally forgot when i posted on the other thread that you are still stuck in the darn hospital... Good luck getting out of there! Your post actually made me smile. I whined all the time about how my two kids sucked the life out of my once perky boobs and how a boob job would be nice, but I'd never proactively get one. And for at least a year - I'd been saying I'd love to try a pixie cut, but just didn't have the balls. So there you go. You never know. But none of us caused our cancer in any weird cosmic way. Shit just happens. And your friend sounds wonderful. What a beautiful gift! Consider yourself hugged and hang in there!
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Juneaubug, thanks so much for getting the conversation started here about fears after treatment ends. I guess I just feel like a sitting duck knowing that the "safety" of constant and active intervention, no matter how unpleasant, is almost over. It is not only a scary feeling because I am no longer blasting cancer cells, but an empty feeling because so much time and energy has been devoted to treatment, and I have made many friends at the hospital that I wont see often after
next week. ( hopefully) I know it will take time to process and identify what is going on mentally. I also know I have some big lifestyle problems to address- losing a large amount of weight and getting in shape- daunting prospect! At least the hair issue should take care of itself:)
Karen you are so right about our kids being our comfort. Mine are teenagers, but the whole thing inCt. brings back those days when they were tiny. I find myself thinking again and again how much I would rather it be me than either one of them getting a serious disease- they have givenn me strengthll year. Okay, no flowers or bluebirds, but the tough love kind of strength
Karen/ramols I get what you mean about the feeling you have about what caused your cancer. I, being of extreme "Irish Guilt" background, have to constantly remind myself that though I drink wine and am overweight, I didn't "deserve" cancer. Sometimes it just happens, even to those in perfect shape. As for the short haircuts, did you ever think you would wish for your hair to be long enough for one? Karen I hope you get out soon! When I was in the hospital over the Summer, I actually had a fantasy about tying the sheets into a ladder to escape out the window until I realized how unflattering that hospital gown would be on the way down!0 -
Wow, I love you ladies... Yes to all above: I get it and agree. I am able to get out of bed and am not depressed or breaking down, just these moments of emotion, like a release of what I had to ignore to GET THROUGH my treatment. Now I want my life back, right?! I'm done, right?! WRONG!!! I'm still plagued by hot flashes, doctors visits, and the reality that lightening CAN and does strike twice. That's not to say I LIVE in that place, but when/if my mind goes there I'd like to not cry.
My therapist says its trauma, and like all people who go through a trauma, it takes time. I know that my saddeness and anger stems from one thought; I persevered through, but now I just miss what this disease stole from me. My innocence (or ignorance perhaps), my sexuality as I knew it (now I have my new friend "Frankenboob"), my BODIES INTERNAL THERMOSTAT and with that on is-the ability to wear over half my winter wardrobe of turtlenecks and other cold weather gear since I now need layers; my gratitude/feeling that by quitting smoking after 32 years (2 years ago) so I WOULDN'T get cancer like my grandfather and would live to a ripe old age...
I'll just keep going to therapy and sorting through and FEELING my feelings, and it will become more manageable/normal, and maybe I'll get out of the Anger stage of my grieving process.0 -
Hi juneubugg- I laughed when you said you are using half your winter cloths.... I have on all my winter cloths because I am a Uni and I am still tender, I am not using my prosthesis, ( very self conscious) so when the hot flashes come it takes me about 15 minutes to strip down😳
I wish we as a society weren't so hung up on all this shit, it certainly makes this journey much harder than it has to be😔0 -
Hi All, just wanted to let you know I was back home. Now lots to catch up on with you chatty bunch eh?
As we arrived back home to snow and about 2 feet of the stuff at home, the sun and sand seems a lifetime away. We had a great time just chilling and enjoying each other’s company without bc being our main focus… and it wasn’t.
Hugs to all and looking forward to catching up with you - I have missed you guys.
Hoping to have a new avatar pic next time I post.
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Hey Tazzy, Welcome home. I was actually just thinking of you. I am on my last 5 rads treatments- "boosts.". My skin is starting to breakdown in my armpit and guess what the remdy is? SALINE SOAKS! You are a true trailblazer:). Making your recipe right now.
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Tazzy: YAY new avatar!!! Welcome home... You're beautiful!
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cheers Juneau. I did go 'topless' in Mexico... too bloody hot for headcoverings. But of an evening I did wear scarves still... my hair is still quite patchy on the crown. I enjoyed wearing them so much I am thinking I may carry on with them when my hair has grown back fully.
OK need a break from the comp - headache. Think from reading and catching up on this board.
xxxx
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Hi ladies
I have been reading your posts and figured I'd join since I am considering myself a 2013 survivor! I finished with chemo in November and now have a bit of a break til my exchange surgery in march. But I have a 6 mo follow up with my BS tomorrow and am just anxious. Don't know what to expect. Anyone have any words on what this would entail. Also I have some hair regrowth. Maybe about 1-1/2 in on my head but it is very fuzzy and really salt and pepper :-(. I had beautiful thick black hair before. I read that chemo kills the follicles and it takes a little while for your hair to get back to normal and the whitish fuzz is common at first bus this true? I am horrified that this is what my hair is going to look like!
Thanks for listening and I hope everyone is doing well!
Melissa0 -
Hi Melissa- I finished chemo in the end of September, and it took a bit of time for my follicles to do anything, then I had " male pattern baldness" , and now I also have the same fuzz you describe,except some of it is curling like a persian lamb jacket. Ugh! Here's hoping those follicles get with the program quick!
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Tazzy, welcome home, we missed you....you look beautiful. How was the beer🍺
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