Stupid comments ....
Comments
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We are actually on vacation for 5 days in northern Wisconsin. First 3 days were great. So 4th day we are shopping in Hayward and I am sitting on a bench resting a minute...I am 3 1/2 weeks from chemo so I still get tired. So a man walks up and pats my shoulder and tells me to be brave, he says when ever he sees a lady with a hat on he stops to say be brave and he's praying for them since he knows what they are going through since he went through it with his wife. Then some lady pipes in to tell me about her heart condition and how she cod get me great insurance...I butted in and said my treatment is done, I am going to be fine, thanked them for the prayers and got up and went into the closest store. OMG let me have my vacation people!
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tjh, unless you choose to share with strangers (and it doesn't sound like you did!), your head and your hat are your own damn bidness.
I will admit, sometimes when I see a lady with a particularly attractive hat on, I'll say, "I like your hat." Usually she thanks me and we both go back to peering at our Costco coupons.
In your situation, perhaps a stare and an "exCUSE me?" would have shut them down?
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When I was undergoing chemo 7 years ago people used to come up to me in the grocery store (or any store) and put their hands on my shoulders and say "I am praying for you" - drove me nuts, but of course didn't want to upset anyone - these days the reception is a lot different - no more "mrs. nice guy".
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Strangers would touch you? I would lose it if someone did that to me. **get your germy hands off of me**0 -
I told my mother that the next time somebody looks at my hair and asks, "Oh, are you in recovery?" I'd answer "No, I'm a dyke" (which I am, so...).
My mother thinks it's funny, anyway.
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ksusan....that is the coolest response ever! When people tell me I look tired or angry, or order me to "smile", I tell them.....I'm not (insert unwanted observation here), I'm old and unattractive. Shuts them down every time. And if they persist in trying to explain that they were just trying to help or be kind, I give them an etiquette lesson.
MsP0 -
Feeling the head when I was bald WTH. Same as total strangers touching my belly when I was prego.
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I agree that the unwanted comments are out of line, and the touching by strangers is WAY out of line!--but at least these clumsy attempts at kindness are preferable to other stuff people have reported encountering in these threads: the old man who snarled "I don't like your kind" at a short-haired chemo patient, assuming she was gay, and the couple who reduced one balding woman to tears, saying loudly to each other, "did you see THAT?" "Yes, disgusting!"
Please don't think I'm trivializing the obnoxiousness of what tjh and others have reported; just observing that people who recognize what people in treatment look like are a little higher up on the food chain than the crazy haters.0 -
I take it with a grain of salt...they mean well but our very clumsy. I often think about what I may have said that was good intentioned but totally stupid.
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Ksusan
I nearly peed my panties laughing on the dyke comment. Love it!
I was having a business lunch with a colleague who happens to wear her hair in a buzz cut. She is always dressed to kill and looks great all the time. I on the other hand was having a bad day. Full head of hair but looking and feeling like crap-on-a- cracker. We were agonizing offer the contracts in front of us when a complete stranger stopped at our table and says to my colleague that she would say a prayer for her. Colleague said " Oh sweetie, dont worry about me. I will figure out these documents. However, you could say one for my friend ( meaning me) she has cancer."
The woman's eyes did this OO
People dont know that cancer does not look like they think it should.
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"I think you look better with the wigs than you did with your own hair."
Thanks for feeling the need to open your mouth!!!!!
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RaiderGirl, your friend is priceless! Love the comeback.Cheesequake: unreal,,,, just unreal,,,,
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RaiderGirl....lol...great friend, great comeback!
Cheesequake, there are just no words. I'm momentarily stunned.
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After my diagnosis I got the "I went through that a couple of years ago" speech from a close friend and my sister-in-law! I knew neither of them ever had cancer, but they were compelled to tell me their biopsy stories. I actually had one friend ask to see my bald head. I probably would have shown her, if she hadn't asked, but she threw me for such a loop, I said no. If she asks again, I'm going to say "Gee Jan, if I had lost a limb would you ask to see the stump?".
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So, yesterday was my birthday and I decided to cash in one of those "it's your birthday - here's 15% off to come spend all your money in our store" coupons. As I was paying for my purchases, a man across the cashier's stand said hello. He then proceeded to tell me to keep up the fight, how his wife had cancer 9 years ago and is doing great, and how I've got this. I played nice because his intentions were good, but it totally popped my birthday balloon. I'm fairly new to the bald world still feel very self-conscious about looking like a cancer patient. Being called out sucked rocks - a feeling I'm betting more than a few of you get.
No great comeback on my part this time, but I love reading what others have said to inappropriate people. Maybe I should keep a list somewhere handy as you all have some lovely doozies.
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I've checked in here periodically over the last few months and have laughed and cried and fumed along with all of you, but also tried not to judge others for simply not knowing any better. Some of the comments I've read here I've also heard (or variations of them). Today I got one of my own, from a well-meaning friend (of course!). Not devastating, but somewhat insensitive. He contacted me on Skype:
He: How are you?
Me: Hey - yeah, pretty good I'd say!
He: Have you started scans yet?
Me: No. Not looking for trouble actually.
(this feels invasive, and does he think I'm not under proper medical care?)He: I like the attitude but maybe u should
My response was to change my status immediately to "do not disturb". I'm constantly amazed at how many people think they have all the answers or know what's best for me. Makes me want to just tell them to BUTT OUT!
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"Are they sure they got it all?" "When are your next scans?" "Are you cancer free?" "What's your prognosis?"
=
"Are you going to die pretty soon?"
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"What's your prognosis?" "Was it in any organs?" "What stage?" "You caught it early, right?" Are you sure you really want to know that? Do you realize what a personal question you are asking? I answer evasively: My scans are good. I'm doing well, thanks.
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Must admit I've gone into progressive seclusion. The questions are inane. The fact that I'm a single woman was also unusual. Once DH died, you cannot believe the behaviors of the couples. I decided it was just better to withdraw. My DBF and I live a really quiet life.
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Why was being single considered unusual? I'm single. Many of us are single.0 -
Let me fill up my glass,
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A few thought me a danger. I was shocked. I read their behavior. My neighbor was the first. It was so odd. Her DH --not. I'm a congenial talkative person. LOL you can see by the posts numbers. At the church....I was blown away....attitudes changed.....left the church. I was saddened.
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Oh DBF wasn't in the picture for 2 years........But I wasn't going after any one........it was weird.......Frankly, after 38 years of marriage I didn't have a clue how to get active again. DBF was the handy man that I hired to fix stuff. He came every Sunday. Known him for about 14 years maintenance and fixing the ac/furnace. After several years of Chit with cancer--mine and Dh's--the house needed stuff fixed. Several weeks after the craniotomy, he started repairs. Well......After a time, I became part of the repairs.......It's been getting better since.
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Glad he found you repairable!
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Queenie, It's been grand
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Thanks, you guys, for ending my day with a smile! Linda
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Lovely, sas!!! I love a happy ending.
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