Stupid comments ....
Comments
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I get annoyed by hair comments. I know "it's only hair " and "it'll grow back", but it's my hair ! Don't call me "silly " or "vain" . I miss my hair mostly because it is really what makes me look sick and I am a very private person. But , yes, I'm guilty of missing itbecause I really liked my hair!
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I don't think anyone can understand unless they have walked this path or one very similar. I am grateful my husband is empathetic but he still thinks my new hair is better than what I had. I know it is a better style and condition but it IS NOT MY HAIR!!!
As for people who did not show up ... when I look back I was the one doing the work in the relationship. Glad their colors showed.
I think the only thing I am really happy about this change was getting rid of my breasts. I grew to hate them when the cancers were discovered in both.
There is a line in a country song that goes something like, "God is Great, Beer is Good, People are Crazy."
Yep.
Coach Vicky
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My husband makes comments that irritate that crap out of me. I tell him, you know it is harder for me to do the things I used to do since my DIEP surgery. His comment, "And how many years ago was that". Actually, the discomfort is more noticable now that nerves keep coming back to life.
I want to give a him swift kick in the ass.
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It's hard to comprehend how some people can be so clueless. I usually respond I am 6 years out. Not cured but made it 6 years.
No offense Meow but I would be irritated if my husband said the same thing. Actually mine thought it was business as usual too. I let him have it. It's k when they are sick and you are at their beckoning call but God forbid we get sick.
It's a shame we have to call them out for being insensitive. I have always been the strong one so I should handle my own illness. Seriously.
Diane
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Count my husband in as one for stupid comments. I recently finished the 2nd stage of my breast reconstruction. His comment was: "You'd like them better if you got the C cup instead of B".
F*ck him.
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My husband is right there with the no empathy. Five months out of my BMX I had a shooting pain across my incision scar and was told, "Get over it. You don't have cancer anymore." No s..t Sherlock! All I can say is, I wonder what would have come out of his mouth if I had gone the lumpectomy route and had side effects from the radiation and AI
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My Hub is of that same mindset, they cut the cancer out, it's gone, you have healed, you had a nice 3 week holiday at the cancer lodge for radiation, and now carry on. I find too that I CANNOT work like I used to. I poop out. It bothers me. I struggle to push myself, to heave and shove and dig and rake and shovel like before. But I can't keep up. He doesn't say too many insensitive things, other to say that as far as he's concerned the cancer is gone. Well bully for him. He sleeps at night. I hear him snore while I lay there and think about no longer being here. As in poof, gone, over and out, 10-4 good buddy. So while he doesn't say much, there has been no change in our daily lives that acknowledges that everything I do hurts now. I don't want to be a princess, but jeez, the last 10 months have sucked hard and changed my life forever. Can we at least acknowledge that?
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runor, so true. My husband wanted me to go to the hardware store and get the 6 gallons of paint we needed. I asked him to come with me, "Why you can't get the paint?" Lifting them, carrying them upstairs. Give me a break, my arms a break. I did it, but you know he just can't put himself in my place.
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Agree Solfeo...I have felt alone so many times.
He says he loves me, but then the most insensitive things come out of his mouth. He has actually complained that I stress myself out over things. When in reality - he stresses me out more than anything...
And, I told him that.
Oh...and did I mention he complained about me using "the cancer card" when I was going thru chemo?
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some days like today husband is very helpful and comforting other days not so much. He just doesn't want me to be affected by cancer. I hate cancer and cancer treatment.
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Thanks Solfeo...it just amazes me how he can talk to me like that. If the was the other way around: he would be the biggest baby (as he already is whenever he gets so much as a cold) and expect me to wait on him hand and foot.
He's also compared my cancer to his sleep apnea. I mean - really!?!? I'd love to trade
I feel like I've gotten so much more support from being on here...
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Exactly Solfeo - that's why I have told as few people as possible... I can't stand all the pity and people wanting me to reassure *them* that I'm Ok. I can't even have bad day without someone (who knows I've had BC) think it's related to the BC
I want to be able to laugh about it...because what else can we do?
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Now, a new study suggests a strong correlation between using hair dye and breast cancer. Anyone else want scream stop using funds for these ridiculous studies?
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Meow, I dye my hair. I have breast cancer. I have never dyed my breast hair, therefore this study is bullshit.
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Jackie Kennedy dyed her hair, she was dead at 64 with cancer, don't remember the kind. I do believe hair dye was mentioned way back then. Runor you make me laugh.
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My mom has dyed her hair since she was 30. She's now almost 81 and goes to the gym TWICE a day sometimes!! I can barely keep up with her. No cancer. Hell, she hardly ever catches a cold. I turned prematurely gray when I was 17 (from jet black to almost totally gray in 1 year! I like to say high school was a b**ch!) but I've always loved the color and have NEVER dyed my hair, not once. I got breast cancer. There are exceptions all around us!
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Frankly, I think there is no 'reason'. There just is. Bad luck. Some people break all the rules and live to 100. Some live the good life and are dead at 55. No rhyme nor reason. Dye your hair, I say!
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Been thinking about this. People ask me, How are you doing? (or the shorter, How are you?) I say I'm fine. But I'm not. The answer is so much more complicated. But I think the problem isn't the answer. The problem is the question.
I don't think the emphasis should be on HOW, it should be on DOING. HOW makes us say, oh I'm fine, peachy keen, right as rain, kiss my ass. The truth is that I am NOT fine, but I am DOING. I am doing the laundry, doing the shopping, doing the cooking. At night I lay in bed and think about dying. Think about my next mammogram. Try not to spazz out over the pain in my arm and wonder why the lymphedemon is suddenly really hurting. THen the next morning I do dishes, and do the chores and build the fire and vacuum the floor and wash the windows. I fold the clothes, I bake the cookies, I locate the lost dog, I deal with telemarketers.
No matter how I feel, I still get up every day and DO. All of us trudge through our days, sometimes feeling okay and secure, other days feeling haunted and threatened. Not very many of us are excused from all the shit we have to DO. Fine or not, positive or not, cured or not, we just put one foot in front of the other and DO.
So I think the question should be, Are you getting it done? Yes. Whatever IT is on any given day, I am getting it done. If I feel great, I get it done. If I feel shitty, I get it done. Even when I don't want to get it done, I get it done. So yes, I am getting it done. And that to me is a much more important question. Never mind how I'm doing, because that is sometimes not the main thing. But have I got two feet planted on the ground making some sort of progress that matters to me, no matter how insignificant? Yes. Yes I am. I am DOING. It is the best that any of us can hope for, to do all that we can , whether we are 'fine' or not.
We have to change the question.
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Wow, runor - what a great perspective! So the answer to "how are you doing" is "I'm doing, thanks very much." I'll have to remember that.
MJ
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Even before cancer, as I got older and the aches and pains creeped in I've used that phrase. It works very well.
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Runor, I love your post so much. You have captured exactly how I feel. I’m glad you’re DOING. Let’s all keep doing for many years to come
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Runor - thank-you for posting and putting into words exactly how so many of us feel...
I really enjoyed reading your post...I feel the same way and it's a lonely sort-of weight that we carry around day in and day out...
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Yes! And thank you to all of you! This IS lonely and it IS scary and I don't know about you but I paste on a happy face as much to fool myself as everyone else. And I agree that the answer should not be 'I'm fine', but as other here have said,' I'm Doing.'
How are you doing? I'm doing, thank you very much!
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Maybe it is all the alcohol consumed while dyeing your hair. Ugh.
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These are making me laugh. Okay, I like wine AND I've colored my hair for quite a number of years! So that solves that mystery. But my cat just got lung cancer (I wish I was kidding) and he does not color his hair, smoke or drink! So -- what about him?
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I used it this morning, runor! At my fitness class a friend asked how I was doing and I replied, "I'm doing, thanks!"
MJ
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Thanks, KB870. I'm giving him lots of love and pretty much taking care of him like a baby right now. Just going to miss him and trying to prepare...
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Stupid Comments: When I told my brother, He replied ' Oh, its only breast cancer, you'll be fine'
Right there with you Scared67 - I hardly told anybody. Don't want the sad emojis and tearful 'I'm sorrys'. The Best reply I got was 'I am sorry you have Cancer - How can I help'?
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Arrrrgh, I hate talking to my parents about this crap.
Mom: "It must have been the birth control pills you took."
Dad: "You need to make sure to have minimal surgery and minimal medications. Your aunt had minimal treatment and she's doing fine now... and some woman I knew had a mastectomy and I think it was overkill... (and then continues to tell me a story about how a dentist wanted him to do deep cleaning and he opted for regular cleaning, as an example of doctors pushing aggressive treatment)" And when I got angry at him, he continues with crap about how he does research and how he teaches some doctors about stuff, and somehow that means he knows things.
@#$%!
Love this forum for making me laugh... otherwise, I'd feel so alone.
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That sounds exactly like my dad!!!!
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