My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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keetmom~ Thinking of you and hoping you’re resting and comfortable and warm. Holding your hand! ~M~
MJH~ still here waiting with you! ~M~
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Lynne(Man)~I really hope that we don't get this snow. I have basically had it with the wind and up and down temperatures, I mean enough! We are supposed to get 14 inches...I don't even want that! For some reason we have had more snow in the month of March, then the entire winter itself. Please stay warm and be safe. Hope there isn't crazy wind at all! You're such a good grandparent. I love reading about your grand children! I hope I get the chance to emulate you!! Stay safe in the storm! Much love ~M~
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I really am starting to realize that I grow attached to people here that I care deeply for. It just happens. I can't help it. But the problem is..... the losses keep getting harder and more painful. Patty Peppermint who is about the sweetest woman/mother /person you could ever be gifted with knowing,. Even from just here.... you can tell. She is an amazing woman, someone who is her good friend posted for her today. Within 24 hours she took a terrible turn and is really not responding to anything. I feel sick.. helpless is another word that comes to mind. I know that there are many people are very close to her. I played games with her on the word board, we were just playing games yesterday. It doesn't seem real. She has a DNR on her medical records. Please let's send her all the strength and thoughts we can, hoping once again she bounces back. She is a strong one. Her and her Hootie hoos. She has young boys. They need their mommy. We need a miracle tonight. Ladies. When this happens, it makes me remember Kandy, and Ebru, LindaE54. Aurora... I can't stand the thought of loss. But here we are possibly again. Not a damn thing I can do. 😓💔😞.
I care deeply for you all. Huge group supportive hug. For Patty love you friend. May you get that chance to have the taxol. Much love always ~M~ Good night
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I am saying some prayers for Patty. Micmel, I feel it too. The losses seem to be harder and harder with each one. I don't know what to do - I want to run away and not think about any of it as it is so traumatic to process . . . but also want cling to the friends and support in this forum, each update and each glimmer of hope at the same time. I thought after the first year, this would all get easy. In reality, it becomes harder as time continues to pass . . . and it becomes harder and harder to deny that I will some day follow in the footsteps of those we have lost. No matter how many beautiful people we lose here, I am always caught off guard by each one. Praying for a miracle for Patty.
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It's odd.
I'll go through a day, like today, when the sun is out and the small birds are singing and I am sewing away in my craft room and I don't think of cancer. I don't. But as the day wears on, and my arm and breast and armpit begin to swell. And hurt. Cancer steps in. Does not slide in subtle and quiet. No. Just barges in. Blam! There it is. Then I come here. Because there is comfort here. There is The Group That Knows. Sometimes I think I need to quit looking at BCO, because all it does is remind me that I have cancer. But that is dead wrong. Having cancer is what reminds me that I have cancer. (Have? Had? What the hell is it?!?!) Coming here is like someone reaching out and holding my hand. I know no one can fix me. But they SEE me. They HEAR me and they KNOW me in a way that the others in my life don't. Not that I'm not loved and cared for. But I've joined a club that not all of my friends are part of - praise be to god! Lately I've had some good mental days. Days when I feel almost hopeful. But nights are bad. Nights are very, very bad.
Micmel, your son will be fine. He has a valuable resource that he has not yet had to use. That resource is your voice in his head and all our kids have it, even though we don't believe it. When he is living on his own, sitting on the toilet and reaches for the paper, only there is none, because he did not replace the roll after using the last one up ... YOUR VOICE will enter his head. The voice that nagged for years, PUT OUT A NEW ROLL WHEN YOU USE THE OTHER ONE UP! Toilet paper was a learning curve for mine when she moved out. Your son has everything he needs to be fine. Oh, he will stumble and grope and stand in the kitchen in confusion wondering how mom used to do this. But he will make his way because you have done your job. Soon instead of your voice coming into his head after a problem, he will begin reaching for your voice BEFORE there is a problem. Yes. They learn that their inner mom voice is one smart cookie!
You have done your job. You may now hang up the hat and go do something else. No one can ask for more.
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Micmel....I know what you mean. My son is 29 and has recently had his heart broken. He says he's recovering but I don't know..... I feel the same way you do. I just want a nice girl to come along, someone who will appreciate him for who he is and not want him to change to her specifications as the previous one did. I want to know he's settled and happy in case my cancer progresses. My son and I are soulmates and he will miss me and our talks. I do feel that there's someone waiting for him and I pray that it's true and that when the time is right she will appear.
Thanks everyone for your interest in my blog. I'm writing it more for other people than for myself. I journaled for a long time and that was cathartic. Now I feel I want to make my cancer experience count for something in the wider world. I need it to have a purpose. I was amazed just now as it has reached more than 950 views from countries all over the planet, to my amazement! I only began it a week ago.
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Micmel....I saw Patty posting two days ago and was so happy to see her back. I'm praying she will come through this.
Meeting other women in our situation on this site is wonderful but the sad part comes when one of ours slips away. We have to be strong and support each other as much as we can but in my heart I tell myself that I have to accept that there will be losses and that is so hard to bear. One of my friends from a Facebook group has been told to make arrangements for her final days, she messaged me last night, and I had to find words. It was so hard to know what to say. She has a wonderful attitude and is an inspiration. I hate it when one of us is taken away.
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JFL~ Hi there sweetheart. I am so happy to see your. Name here again. We've missed you here. I know what you're feeling is the same way I am feeling. I want to run and hide from everything Cancer. I want to stomp my feet and get angry that this is happening to people I care about a great deal. I also like you, want to run and comfort and support my other MBC sisters. Others are already afraid of us and is as if being stage four makes it somehow our fault that it spread. We have to support our MBC family. I can never walk away from those who have touched my heart here. I just can't....... but Patty please know you have so many people fighting right alongside, and you don't even know the effect you may have had here on the boards. Everyone holds a place here! I have often wondered, If you were doing ok, (JFL)while all along I had noticed when you weren't posting here! What I am trying to say is ..... I noticed you were gone , but i am happy To see you're back! I am giving you a big huge hug. We all need one today. Much love ~M~
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Leapfrog~Hello beauty, I completely agree with the comment about your friend. What a special person you are to recognize the need this friend of yours has, and there you are helping again. The blog is wonderful and I have read it. I believe in what you're saying because i have lived part of it, just arrived here differently. I think you should keep it up. Of course you'll reach all over the world you're a talented writer. You should Be proud. I know I was proud of you reading it. I too had been so sick suddenly a lot with NO reasoning. I was falling and I didn't even know It, till I landed in cancers lap. By then it was too late to get up, he had me. Thank you for allowing us to share your words. The article attached was also really good reading for living with MBC. Which is what we do. Hard as fu**. To do. For anyone. May someone help us all and soon. Glad you're back also leapfrog. I get worried about my peeps when they aren't here. It just helps me to know everyone i care about is doing good. Much love ~M~ Also I hope our sons find their partners in life. I need that to happen. Before I'll ever be able to Rest In Peace. If I start to do badly. I also have a DNR order in place,no artificial means of life support. Do not pass go... do not collect your life ever again and go home with your families. It may just end up being nothing and just having eternal sleep. I just don't know. But I hope I don't have to worry about my heart break. Of feel it. Once I am gone .
Keetmom ~ Thinking Of you today #3. KeepGoing my friend. You're doing it!
MJH~ still holding your hand and waiting with you. Much love to both as you wait.
Minnie~ Hope you slept. Hope that nerve left you alone.
The snow has begun and ick. Now they have raised it to 11 to 15 inches. I guess I'll be staying right here. Good thing my errands were all done yesterday before the storm so to speak! Hugs to all ~M~
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Runor~Hello sweet friend... I totally agree that people see you here. I also agree that being here will give you friends and support that is endless and unconditional. At least from me. I hate that you worry about the monster cancer stealing your life. But you don't have MBC, so celebrate every second you can without worrying about it because Then you're allowing you to live through cancer. Let Cancer not steal your thoughts or possibilities of what if it does come back!?? Don't put that stress on yourself. You will cross that bridge if you are forced to. In my world that doesn't happen to someone I have grown to care a great deal about. Love your life with out allowing cancer to live your life. And don't ever not be over joyed and happy you're not carrying the black ribbon. I would never want that for you my friend. You're tough, strong and there is nothing that says you will get Mets. I am going to Just say NO for you!! Remember that slogan for drugs ? How about we adopt that for us all..." Do you have cancer, well NO, NO, I do not". I'm just saying no! Love you my friend. Yes we do see you, and how wonderful you are! You have become one of my friends and I adore you. Hugs hugs and hugs ~M~
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Artist's Date is a wonderful way to add to our lives. Ds was a business major and he has a creative side as well, so he loved the creative writing class he took at college were he learned about AD. One assignment of the class was go on an AD every week and write about the experience.
Especially for those of us who are hesistant in some ways, or intimidated or lack confidence in some areas, the Artist's Date is a way to challenge ourselves and open up to new ideas, new places, new anything. I have less of an outgoing personality than I did years ago, and am sometimes intimidated by small things, like going into a new store. Some place simple like Ulta, the makeup store; I made myself go in and look around and now I go in often (plus signed up for great coupons!)
Last year, dh and I got a pool pass for the pool in town. I've been there many times but never by myself. They offer “adult swim" in the mornings, and I made myself go one day when dh was at work. Even tho I live in a small town of 5,000 and know tons of people here, I had to make myself get over that little hurdle of going by myself. It was great, and after that, I went whether dh was available or not.
Glad to hear that botanical gardens are loved by others on this thread. As you say, MJH, they are so centering!
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Ladies, every lady.(and men if ever needed)
I just wanted to thank you all for making this thread a home with me. I never thought it would do this well. I am ecstatic , that threads that have been created over two years ago haven't reached this many posts in less than a year even. It's because of you ladies sharing my life with me as my sisters in MBC. Without you sharing your lives with me. This would not be the warm place it has become. I promise you all to support you and be here for you. As long as I have a breath left to breathe. This will be the home and place we share when we need to just let it out. And be with a group of people who SEE us for who we are, and NOT stopping at just knowing. Oh well she has cancer why should i bother anymore. She's just going to die anyway. I have found and felt that from peole i have known forever, over 17 years even. Some people can't deal. But we can.... deal... here together. There are no limits to the support here. I care for each and everyone of you. Some of you know how deeply. Some I talk to every single day for hours sometimes. this wonderful woman has become one of my best friends in this journey and I love her like a sister , she doesn't post as much as i would like but her life is so busy. Scans are coming also and that causes stress for us all. But real bonds have formed here. Don't be afraid to let us love you and be a solid group that you can count on with anything you need to vent or cry out. I am here. Always. Always. Again. thank you all for making this thread what it is. It wouldn't be this without all you precious ladies. ❣️♥️💜 I adore each and everyone of you. Love always ~M~. 3005 posts. Like wow! Tyvm guys! 🤗.
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We are living with mbc, not dying from it!
Here's a photo from last summer, me at Kingwood Center botanical garden in Mansfield, Ohio. Dh and I toured the Ohio Reformatory in Mansfield (a 2 hour drive for us) where The Shawshank Redemption was filmed, and this was a glorious stop while we were in the area.
All those heavenly hydrangeas! The entire place was filled with blooms of all kinds!
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Divine~ Hello gorgeous woman! You look good in pink! Looks like a lovely day to be in a garden as such. DH and I went to a place in Pa called Kennet Square to a massive place called Longwood gardens and was in total awe of such beauty. It was in the fall, right before diagnosis. We watched a light/water show dance with classic Beethoven being played in the back round and the lights moved with the music.earlier in the day we saw a botanical garden there with such beauty, DH spent hours taking pictures and I just watched his every move. I do that a lot, i feel like that Aerosmith song with him. “don't want to miss a thing" I love watching him concentrate on something he is so passionate about. Which is his photography! Amazing pics he's done. I'll share a few if I can find some. I enjoy watching Him in nature. I just enjoy watching him period. I hope you had a great day there. It looks like with that smile. On your face that you sure did have a good time. Great pic btw. Hugs and much love ~M~
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......we were driving in town and he pulled over and got his camera out. I didn't know what he was doing. this is what his camera Caught, this crane eating his lunch. It is such a great picture, oneof my favorite natures he's ever done. Love it !! 🤗~M~0 -
Don't want to intrude on Stage IV.
Just want to say what a wonderful, positive, safe thread you have created Micmel. God bless you for it and all the wonderful ladies who post here.
You Stage IV sisters lift us all up............Thanks
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Good~You're so precious and I adore you. You know this! The fact that you take the time to read the thread means so much to me, you have no idea. The fact that you communicate your feelings about feeling comfortable and you know is unconditional! I love that you can feel that. I don't have time for judgements or being angry all the Time, even though we all have every right to feel that anger. I am deciding to build long lasting friendships, that allow me to make memories here as well as precious time I spend with my beautiful family. Family has many definitions and it takes many forms. This for me, is another form of family. I appreciate you letting me know this thread matters. Because that really matters to me. It's why I do it. Like caring for a child... you just want to do it. Not you're all children in anyway obviously, but just the fact, that you are all close to my heart as family is as well. Like spending time rasing your child. You grow to love them unconditionally, and always. Which is how I feel when I see all your names. Again thank you Good for being the wonderful friend you are and have become. I wish only the very best for you! Much love ~M~
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Good morning
Last day of Ibrance break. I'll start at noon today because when I travel the time will be 8 hours different.
My DD called me at 7:00 a.m. bc my grandson had a seizure last night. Something new and completely out of the blue. He has autism. Actually her two eldest sons 12 and 14 have autism. It breaks my heart that I haven't been able to help her this past year or more. I used to go often just to give her a break so she and her husband could go anywhere or just sleep. I prayed so hard for God to give them some ease and He has. And now another test.
I read my PET scan myself yesterday, not just taking the doctors word for it. I saw these words 'uptake FDG" or something like that. I googled it and it said that the sugar dye substance still shows where the cancer areas were. It's all frightening and unnerving. But still we move on. Thank you Micmel for the sleeping pill advice. I just take it nightly now. When I don't take it immediately I end up staying up way past any normalcy and then sleep late and hard the next day. I submit to the nightsweats and anxiety and just take the pill. My ONC said I would be stuck with it once I started taking it. Funny to think about them looking at us as addicts. We're just clawing around for some semblance of what life used to be.
Tanya
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Patty's friend's posts have brought back memories since I remember Patty from the time that I discovered BCO. She was having difficulties even back the, but she always bounced back. Soon after I began posting to BCO, I had a crisis in my life, and many of the people on the Bone Mets thread became wonderful supporters and friends. I will never forget that, and I still hold them close to my heart. Over the years, fewer and fewer of those people continue to post. I am thankful that some are happily living their lives and are doing well. Some have turned to Facebook and post there instead. Some post here only sporadically. Unfortunately, some of my close friends, I have lost count of how many, have passed away. These were not simply people whose posts I read. They were true friends who reached out to me when I needed them most. People to whom I reached out when they were going through difficult times or when I was worried about them. I have even met a few of them. I prayed with one dear friend when I visited her in the hospital just a week or so before she passed away peacefully at home. I am still in touch with a few friends, but I sometimes find it difficult to come to the boards. It hurts to friends even when I realize that they been freed from their pain and suffering. At times I have had to take breaks from the boards. I have to separate myself because I cannot deal with the losses, the sadness, the pain. I do not want cancer to take over my life. I am so much more than MBC. I try to stay positive and savor every moment of life.
Micmel, I am glad to hear that you have made some good friends here with whom you communicate on a regular basis. Friendships are precious things. I no longer seem to make new connections here, perhaps it is self preservation. I have come to terms with MBC and don't dwell on it. Your thread has becomegood place for many people to post.
Hugs and prayers from, Lynne
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Tanya, I am sorry to hear about your grandson's seizure. I hope they quickly discover what caused it and, if necessary, find a way to prevent them in the future. It must have been frightening for your grandson and your DD. You are still giving your DD a great deal of support. Emotional support is the most important kind. I will pray for your family and hope things get better.
When will your doctor go over your PET scan results with you? Perhaps you are stable or improved even though there is still cancer in your body. I have not had a "clear" scan since my diagnosis almost 3 years ago, but I have seen the words "stable" and "improved" on some reports. I celebrate both those wonderful words.
I hope you have a good vacation, no, a FANTASIC vacation. Relax and enjoy yourself. If you have a chance to post pictures I would love to see them. I have never been to Dubai or Saudi Arabia ( or anywhere near there). I think I would find photos of the area to be fascinating.
Hugs and prayers from, Lynne
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Tanya~I am sorry that you're filled with worry for your grandson, not ok! I honestly hope they can get him on some regulation medicine, some of the medicines are very effective in preventing them further from occurring. I cant take it when young kids deal with things that even adults would find very difficult to deal with. To me it is just really wrong. I am going to be sending thoughts of strength and worrying until you know he is ok and the issue is handled! We are thinking of you also...I know how hard it must be for you! Grandmas love is a strong protective love at it's purest. Gentle hugs for you ! Be safe when you travel. Hope your trip is every thing you need it to be! Much love ~M~ I would very much love to see your photos. Very much!!
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Lynne(50's)~I understand how it must be hard, you have been around longer than I have. But please never forget, when you aren't here I notice. And I care. You may have not felt the connection, but I have. If I don't see some people that have become part of this group. I personally get worried. So I tend to reach out. Not to invade, to reach out a hug or a hand to hold, if needed! I hope you remain a part of our wonderful group here, because you have a seat with your name on it always! ❣️❣️❣️Much love ~M~
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Hi all! I can’t get totally caught up today but I’m shocked to read Patty is in danger, I thought the infection (I think) that got her admitted was finally being treated. Sending good vibes her way for sure.
I thought I’d share this for a laugh (my version of MOB, lol)
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Mae~ thank you for the actual laugh! It was more needed than I realized. Although I keep thinking about those rainbow of jeans. Which made me laugh then too. Thank you very very much. ~M~
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The wedding photo share was fun. What about our Prom pics? Bet ya can’t guess what I wore, lol
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I guess I'll have to dig around in all my old photos to find those. 💞
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I know I have one somewhere, just don't know where lol of course I know I had big hair. It was the 80's after all! I can't wait to see what you wore Mae!!!~M~
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I am dealing with breast cancer. However, I want to tell you about something else -- my nearly perfect husband was killed in a crash when I was 52. I absolutely could not imagine life without him and didn't want to go on living. Went mad for a couple of years and finally pulled out with the help of antidepressants. Didn't think I could ever love again, but I did and remarried. Now I love two men: one dead, one alive. My position on this is if I die first I know he will be so hurt and lonely, I hope he finds another lady to love. He would just shrivel up if he had to live alone. Cancer puts us on such an intensely personal cruel emotional roller coaster -- terror, anger, depression, crazy, etc. It's hard to think beyond our own hurt. I just imagine him living alone, lost, sad, not eating well, not laughing, not having any fun, feeling unloved, and it comes clear when I have gone I want some nice lady to love him.
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Omg alI I did was sleep today. It's crap. Up way to late. Couldn't sleep. Too many thoughts banging around in my head. Then I sleep during the day and I feel So badly after sleeping. At like 3:00 pm. I hit my wall time. I have no more energy..... I feel like falling asleep everyday at the same time.I thought... you can take a vacation from work...... from being home... from people even.... but you cannot take a break from life or cancer. Or even more accurate. Living life with cancer. I don't want to suffer like I hear some suffering on these boards. It's frightening! Somedays I get so scared thinking. Is that going to happen to me too? I don't want to suffer, I want none of us to suffer! It's enough to make someone crazy. Hugs to all ~M~
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Lizzie~ That truly touched my heart. The saddest part for me is you're 100% correct. I am so very sorry for your loss and words I cannot express to tell you how sorry I am for you and those years where you were hurting and saddened!! You're correct when you say, I wouldn't want him to be sad, or alone. The problem is I love him so very much the thought of him having a special anything with anyone else guts my heart as a person. But you're right and I know it's my fears and terrors I have to deal with. He worries also I can see it in his eyes. We love each other just as you know. Obviously you've been there. I more than want you to know that your story has tears running down my face as I type this to you. He and I are one. We just fit and get each other. This love is the deepest I have ever dreamed of knowing. He is the best man I have ever known. Having cancer has stolen my body, I don't want something I can't control, stealing the love of my life too...The bottom line is I would not want him Sad and alone. He doesn't deserve that. He's too good for that to happen to him. He's honorable and honest. Funny and smart. Can cook anything. Build anything. And in my eyes perfectly perfect.. more than I deserve. Letting go of him would be the death of me. That's why I always knew I would have to go first. I am truly sorry for your loss but want you to know your coming here and sharing that is sometimes a hard truth I need to face but sometimes hide deep In my soul, locked away.... because I already cry enough. I want to wrap my arms around you and tell you that I think you're wonderful and strong. Also to just say thank you! Thank you for being you! Gentle hugs ~M~
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