My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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Candy - I think as MBC patients we can’t help but think about progression. When is the other shoe going to drop? It’s bound to happen, we just aren’t privy to when. Every 3 months when I get my scans, I’m always hopeful for results that are stable, yet part of me is preparing for the not good result - progression. We see progression happen here and in social media. But I also believe that there is an underlying strength that this damn disease gives each and every one of us. So that if and when progression happens, we move forward with grace, integrity and a bit of belligerence. I have seen that over and over here from our dear sisters. It is truly a gift to be able to come here and know that we will be understood, regardless of our different coping mechanisms. Who would have thought that this is where we would be after our initial MBC dx? You are all my family that I choose and I know we are never alone❤️
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@micmel, Theo is so gorgeous, so very huggable and the camera loves him. I think he might also love the camera.
Congratulations to all those with stable scans - it is always a relief to get the good news.
@mara51506, your never-ending ingenuity with meals always intrigues me. You try meals I and combinations I would never have thought of before I came to this thread.
In the pockets of those who need support and hugs.
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Not much going on here, laundry and breaking down boxes again, bought cat food and lightweight litter which I truly believe clumps way better than the costco brand I was getting. It is the Tidy cats. Have to be aware of how much I am pouring in, poured nearly the whole container in there, already bought two more containers arriving tonight. Edited, I did have a frozen minipizza. Did put on extras, shredded cheese and bacon, it really was very good. Will need to remember that I bought frozen pepper slices and to add those to pizza and other meals. Later on will have a boost drink and supper will likely be roasted lentils and eggs. I really do like the lentils. If not that, will debate a tortilla with an egg and cheese, chop up a few barbecue chip to use as seasoning, I will see, not sure yet. Not doing anything else at this point except budget boosting on the TV. Decided on the minipizza, added little bit of bacon and some extra shredded cheese. Got some chocolate and two more containers of the litter. Not sure how to get rid of the qualicat that really does not clump, will add a scoop once in a while to the tidy cat and shake up to blend it a bit so it is not wasted and be more careful of how much I add since I am not having as much to scoop as much out due to better clumps. I will see how it goes, may be a combo of both.
I hope everyone has a good day and in pockets for everyone who needs me as well.
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Hi everyone. Hope you are having as pain-free evening as possible. Mara, I made salmon and put black beans, pineapple, yams and topped with parm cheese. It was so good and made enough for the kids to eat if they come home to do laundry and visit. They moved out last week but I've seen them about everyday. It's slow going getting their things out as they moved into a 5th wheel RV, so planning is crucial.
DH holding on. His WBC is 16,000, with 10,000 considered high end. But he told MO he's not ready for chemo, so on we go for another 3 months. His visible lymph node in the neck appears stable. He's declined any more scans for now. Me, well it's gonna be a long, hard week. Wed. is pet/ct scan, Thursday is Brain MRI and Friday is dermatologist. Found a concerning spot on back. Son had melanoma about 15 years ago, so can't forget there's other things besides MBC. Tomorrow is last day of 10 horse pills for diverticulitis, again. Can't recall if I just finish what was in the cycle of pills or start with fresh 21 day supply. I forgot to stop the Ibrance and had a major drug interation. Won't be doing that again…
Excited about the Phillies? Me, too. Let's me just sit down and cheer them and forget. Concerned about the chance of hurricane hitting DS in Charlotte. We've been in downpours everyday and night for a few weeks now. Ground is saturated. So hoping new storm formations just mess with the fish.
Missing sunshine and her beautiful spirit. In pockets for all your needs sweet ones.
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I’m missing sunshine too……
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Irish - Thinking of you and wishing you all the best of luck with your scan, MRI, and derm appointments this week. Wow, what a full plate! In your pocket for sure.
Mel - Yes, Sunshine🌞. I hope she is comfortable and having a peaceful time with lots of love around her.
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Heart goes out to you, @irishlove , and to all suffering any pain of any kind. Happy to report that I made it all 15 miles and felt strong. This is fun while it lasts, but yes, we never know what is around the river bend.
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@irishlove Will be thinking of you all week as you go through all your tests and appointments. It is a full week indeed!
@tougholdcrow Congratulations on 15 miles. I am impressed! Yes, go, do, live as much as you can!
Heading out for shots today… We usually meet BIL for lunch afterwards. I am usually fine for the rest of the day. It gives me something to look forward to.
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Thinking of those with appointments this week.
I was surfing the TV channels this morning. Ran across a TV movie with Shannen Doherty from 2021. For a second I had the increased heartrate- not a panic attack- just the Oh My thoughts that come periodically. The thoughts of "I have MBC", and "how long do I have left". Do you guys ever do that? It just seems to hit me at times. The thoughts of "this is real" and "OH MY GOSH I have cancer". Sobering.
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Intolight - Hoping those shots go well for you. So glad to hear that you are usually fine for the rest of the day. I'm off to PT and then a walk; well walking to PT is the first part of my walk. I will keep you and Irish in particular in my thoughts as I go through my day. Hugs.
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yes Candy. Every day. Every show , someone has cancer. Every commercial, I went for my shot (I sound like a dog) while I was walking in I saw a woman who is in active chemotherapy treatment. Her hair was gone and she held her head high. I was so proud of her. She wasn’t letting that stop her from being her. I tend to recoil and cry. When I think of missing my hair when it happened. I sat in the house all the Of time. the one time my DH gets me to go and some waitress called me dh’s mother when my hair was growing back in. My DH is five years older than me. I’ll never forget that sinking feeling of hell. My good days are behind. Oh and they were. They really were.
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I miss Sunshine too, hoping all is comfortable for her as well.
I did have two meals in one, frozen stirfry and a frozen small lasagna. Cooked each separately. Once both were done, plated, added sprinkle of parm cheese and 1 teaspoon of spreadable garlic and mixed it all together, was actually very good. Laundry underway, doing some budget boosting as I am typing with you. Freezer still has tons of stuff in it so have it taped up to stay closed. I really don't mind doing that as there is nowhere to put a new one and the packing tape is just fine.
I am hoping everyone has a good day and in pockets for everyone who needs me.
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Irish - here for pocket duty. Hope this week goes smoothly and is not overwhelming!
tougholdcrow - WAY TO GO🎉🎉🎉. Sure wish I had the stamina to enjoy a trip like that!
Mel - What a horrible thing for that server to say🤬. I would duck tape her mouth. Better to remain silent and thought a fool than to speak up and remove all doubt.
Candy - I was reading a MBC blog this weekend and the writer characterized having MBC as being in limbo. That really spoke to me because that’s where we are.
For all our struggles, big or small, may they find somewhere else to be!
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That is so good @tougholdcrow, and that feeling of achievement is amazing, even though you might be tired - it glows through the aches and pains of that exercise. And yes, you are so right, you just never know what is coming next so wring out the most enjoyment you can.
In everybody's pockets with support.
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For Sunshine from my garden
Hi to all. I haven't been feeling very good physically or mentally but trying to get energy saved up to go on a trip to the coast with family in a few weeks.
I'm not a great cook on a good day and have lost interest in planning or cooking meals. I make stuff to last for a few days but husband hates leftovers and just gave half of my burrito filling to his bachelor brother who comes at dinnertime. Dumb stuff like that is making me mad. They just don't get it.
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@mkestrel I so totally get you tonight. I agree the family just doesn't get it. Today was what I call one of my "cry" days. My Fulvestrant shots went I thought okay, and then my DH and I met with my BIL for lunch. The soup we always order didn't taste right, and I barely made it home before I had a total "blow out." Then the pain and nausea started (and along with them the tears.) I couldn't handle making dinner but of course I had to plan it and give advice while my DH cooked. Tonight I am just barely handling things but the family expects things to move along as normal. I just want to crawl into bed and hide under the covers.
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Hi all. mkestrel, that sunflower is huge and lifts ones spirit to see it. Mara, I know what I would have wanted to do to that waitress, but I just would have salked away and spew about why didn't I let her have it. Sometimes I just think to myself, thank God I'm not married to that person.
DH gets it, thank goodness. Kids, not a chance. They blow in like the wind, dump their laundry, cook for themselves or eat what we had preplanned, throw dishes in sink, pick thru stuff to move and leave me with the laundry. Lots of laundry. Lots of hoarding stuff left behind, IMHO. Left and didn't say good bye. sigh….
I said no more dogs as we are both not well and have two senior girls. But…. there's this dog named Lucky. They stamped him a long timer at the Halifax Humane Society. He looks just like my late Irishlove, skiny, scrawny, but big brown eyes that make eye contact. He is a Plott Hound mix, although they posted some other breed. So I want to make a deal with DH. If I'm stable, screw moving out, let me have my own dog (the girls are attached to DH at the hip) and we'll live happily or make the most of it till we can't. I know we cant accept another dog and find a rental. It's gonna be difficult with two pitties mixed as it is. Maybe this is just a pipe dream. Scanxiety is eating me alive. Done with that horrible antibiotic, augmentin tonight and it's still upsetting my stomach badly. Horse pills that stick in your throat and make you sound like a horse. Yuck. Hey, thanks for all the support. I really appreciate it. In pockets for all of you and your needs.
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@micmel Oh Mel !! Your THEO is precious 🥰. My 2 pugs, Ollie & Sammy have all their toys in an old dog bed. They pull things out all day long. At the end of the day it’s like picking up toys after the children. Like I used to do🩵
Hi all you beauties in Mels Livingroom. I’m happy to hear all the happy scan news. I go every 3 months for my scans.. and so far so good, treatments are kicking cancer’s a$$. I love you all.
Not typing much today. I’ve been in so much. Pain with my Cervical Stenosis in my neck, causing severe headaches and pain down my shoulders and fingers, I’m so glad I have my follow-up with my Pain Management Neurologist tomorrow. It flared up over the last two weeks and really bad with th weather system coming thru.So I know tomorrow He’ll schedule me for the new procedure he wants to do “Radiograph ablation “at the surgi center here in my area. He’ll put me on a pain reliever so I don’t have to keep taking the anti inflammatory pills I’ve been living on for the pain. He puts me on Hydrocodone or OxyContin for a few days before the procedure.
Have a. Peaceful comfortable few days, Beauties♥️
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Shana,
Thank you for that beautiful image. Good reminders for me every day. Had a moment yesterday when I wasn't patient, kind or peaceful. It was silly but sometimes I get tired of being a doormat.
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Threetree, belated hurrah for good scan results!
I had a moment late at night when I just broke down crying for a bit and said, out loud, "I don't want to be like this" - meaning I don't want to be sick, and anemic, and have to take iron supplements because the cancer meds are causing anemia, then have soooo much flatulence from the iron... and I don't want to have titanium holding my spine together, don't want to have to keep doing scans, etc etc etc.
I let myself have those moments so I don't deny how hard all of this is. Most of the time I'm quite grateful for the meds, the surgeries - okay not the farting - but I can't sustain constant gratitude every moment. Sometimes I just need to scream. And cry.
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Shana, I do really like the saying you post. When it comes to me, I am not always peaceful although I am sincere always, even through my anger.
Chicagoan, I used to be a doormat but since taking out the toxic people in my life, it is so much better. No one really treats me bad and I appreciate that very much. I always imagine the toxic people I removed are glad they are gone from my life too. Stories have two sides after all.
I woke up at noon hour, went to bed late after movie watching. Watched beverly hills cop 1, 2 and 3. They all appealed to me. I know there is an Axel F movie, figure out how to watch that. Laundry is done, in middle of breaking down boxes. Surprising that breaking down boxes is so tiring. Just taking breaks here and there, got it done. I had mcd's for breakfast, thinking of the same thing for supper as well since I want something quick. Then I will take out the recycling. Need to go to bed earlier too, getting up at noon throws off my whole day.
I just had something scary at home, was stepping up a stepbench I keep between living room and kitchen, use that to train my legs to lift more when walking but have my runners on. My foot tripped over and almost sent me sprawling but there was a happy ending. I was able to catch myself before falling so I was quite happy, all the exercises are helping to keep from falling which is great since I do not want to call an ambulance to get up. Need to march on the spot and keep my legs strong. I do PT when I wake up from my bed but not so consistent with cardio stuff.
Hoping everyone had a great day and was in pockets for everyone who needed me.
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Mara. Glad you weren’t hurt. Stay safe! Hugs!
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@sf-cakes A dear friend of mine has a daughter in the hospital right now, waiting for spinal surgery because of mets from a different kind of cancer. I have been telling them that I see women with breast cancer who have survived this sort of surgery and soldier on. As one of those women you are a comfort to people you have never met.
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Had insomnia last night, late night snack and almost bouncing off the bed. Has happened twice. For safety, got a stool to lift me higher in order to back up and sit down vs trying to lie down. Using stepbench for this until the stool with the rubber top comes. Topper cannot come off as it is great for pains I used to have.
Been generally lazy today due to the insomnia, hope is to go to bed earlier tonight. Had pot pies for breakfast and supper will be rice, chopped black beans along with croutons. Cooking the rice and eggs together, come in with the chopped beans and some bacon pieces. May include chopped peppers from the freezer for some variety. Also planning to premake Kraft Dinner, helps to use up milk and can keep on hand as a side for other things, I will have to see. Would want to use all of it within a couple of days.
Beyond that hoping all have a good day, if not in all the pockets that need me.
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Irish Glad to hear DH is hanging in there and I hope he stays there a very long time. Sheesh busy week for sure, in your pocket as always. Hope your not suffering much with diverticulitis and it clears up with meds. Let's go PHILS!
tougholdcrow Kudos to you for 15 miles, awesome!
Candy Yes, I agree and definately some days are tougher than others!s
Mel Wow you saying your good days are behind really made me think. You're so right I never thought of it this way. It just really saddens me.
mkestrel That is a gorgeous picture! Hope you had a better day today.
intolight Thinking of you and hoping today was a better day.
sfcakes Yes sometimes you just need to scream and cry! Gosh when you think about everything that we all deal with daily most people would crumble.
Shanagirl Sorry you're suffering with your spine. Hope you get a long relief from procedure! I just brought my DH home from the hospital today. I had to call an ambulance on Sunday he was having excruciating sciatic pain that wouldn't quit. We are going to PM tomorrow for consult and hopefully facet injections on Friday. He has severe spinal stenosis on multiple levels and the nerve roots are all being compressed. So I can empathize with the pain your dealing with.
Mara Hope you get a very restful sleep tonight.
Carol is on my mind, praying for comfort and peace.
Congrats to all the stable results as my CT was stable too! Waving hi to all here and may you have a peaceful night❤️
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I don’t even know how this can be happening, I am numb and broken. Someone I have grown to love so very dearly is progressing with their cancer and it has spread to her brain now, it’s effecting her eye sight and we have lost our link to texting. We spoke everyday many times. Lay awake at night texting together about this disease and how it’s slowly taking the joy from our souls. Endless hours. Years of talking. Years of a bond that is unexplainable to even try to explain. My best friend. I miss her words, everyday she would send me a song of the day, I would listen and reflect on it. This woman has become so important to me. My chest heaves at the thought of losing her and this beautiful person I have this wonderful friendship with. We are so alike and have been there for each others walk in remission. And after. I want nothing more than to hear she’ll be ok. But I’m so scared. I’m choking up right now thinking I’m going to loose my closest person to me that understands this disease. It took me forever to find her here. But we did. I don’t know if I will be able to honestly be ok if I loose her. I know some of you ladies with brain Mets are fabulous, it just doesn’t seem like that is the direction it’s going for her. Hers has changed to triple negative. Which I know isn’t good. I find that each day I have is filled with loneliness and sadness and loss. I don’t remember a time when I could say I was happy. I am happy loving DH and my kids. But. I’ve. Lost my mother my sisters cancer is back again. Now this. I just don’t know if I have any more tears. To foot this bill. I’ve never wanted there to be a god more than I do now. This is too much to bare for us all. Suffering this life. Makes me wonder are we an experiment in a large aquarium being studied and poked at by someone else in some messed up test for reactions to certain stimuli. Because I feel like I’m in the torture tank. I know it sucks for us all. Love to you beautiful ladies and friends Good night
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Oh Mel - I am so very sorry. Sending many warm thoughts and hugs.💕
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@micmel I’m so sorry Mel. What a cherished relationship. Your strength that you’ve both had for each other over the years will help you. God never leaves us no matter how bad things get. If we have a relationship with Him even with short breath prayers through the day, He is always there and hears those prayers of the heart and our breath to give us what we need to get through the hardest of times, always. I believe We don’t have to be in a church building with a whole bunch of other church people, to commune with God. It can be anywhere, that you feel peaceful to talk to God from within your heart. He already knows your sorrow right now and your fears Mel. Put it out there to Him. When we reach out He will give you the strength and endurance to deal with whatever. You and your friend found each other and gave each other what you needed over the years. That in itself was a blessing, Mel. And your friend has been blessed to have you right now and all will be well for you both on this journey together.🩵Don’t fear the future, nor relive past sadness pain & loss.n Mel, Stay in the moment, and be present with things that bring you joy and stay in the moment with things that make you feel grateful, like your feelings of love you have for your friend. As for myself, the shattering diagnosis of bone mets after 13 or so years of thinking I was “cancer free” I feel it was a blessing from God that I found your Living Room here on BCO, and the love and support here from you and all the lovelies on this thread. It was one of the things I needed to help me through this MBC. You are all a blessing tome from God, to give me the strength I need, as. We’ll as joy on many days.
So any I’m going to go to bed now and I want to send you sisterly love and wishing you peace and calmness and a good night’s rest.🩵♥️💙💜😘
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Yep I get it. In agreement with everyone. The congratulations due. Yay. The crying, etc. I am not alone in my feelings. My friend asked yesterday why I don't go to a support group. We'll, because of you all of course.
She came with me to chemo class. Wants to be there for me even visit during infusions. Feels bad for me. She lost 3 immediate family plus a friend. She thinks she understands, but doesn't totally. She is very alone in the world. No siblings or kids. Just dh. I think she needs to do this for her. I've got others clamoring to be there too. But will they help with cleaning or meals. Oh no, I can't be that bad. Oh great.
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Mel, I am very sorry to hear about your loved one and cancer spreading to the brain, hope they can give treatment to restore her eyesight.
I also can empathize with the feeling the best days are over. Speaking as a person who easily gets anxious and depressed, I do find myself missing the days when I could do more stuff. Walking etc. I have decided to march in house when hot or when winter comes. I have decided that the feeling I cannot do anything is mine alone, not the actual fact facing me now. My wellness checker is someone who was born with a brain injury, lives in a managed apartment is able to swim, walk and get up from a lot of falls. If she can do it, why should I not work myself harder than I do so that is what I need to do. She is a real life inspiration and there is inspiration for me to get more able bodied as well. No reason I cannot do stuff.
I am sort of at an impasse with food. Decided that I need to put a container of food in the fridge that contains chopped beans, cooked eggs, peppers. I am finding I do not enjoy eggs anymore but there is not enough food I truly enjoy but I do enjoy it more when I chop it up and stick it in the frypan and season it right. Could even chop in cheese and make all the same texture. I need the nutrition and if in this format, easier to fold into a tortilla, I will see.
I was able to get some good sleep, went to bed earlier and made up for some lost sleep, did a lot of the PT stuff in bed, need to get back to pulling up to sit but will need to tear the blankets off first. Am presently doing laundry, sink is clear, and debating washing a couple of the blankets including the big ones, I will see how time allows for this. Easy enough to figure out and the handwashing is still in place, I know wandwashing not so practical but works really well, wring out some water and bring it over to the panda spinner which is next to the little daily washer and spin dryer tub.
Not sure if DB is wanting to go out, did not see him last week as I was ill, I will wait for their call. Otherwise, just keep up with the usual.
I am sending good thoughts for people who need them, in pockets for all of us and otherwise, I do hope all have a good day.
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