My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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Mary Jane, Your words about going back to the harbor town touched me. When I go back to the area of my roots, there is no one left from my early years. I am the only one still alive from my original family, and my home town has experienced so much change that I hardly recognize it. I do have many memories right here, of course, since my DH and I met while we were still in high school. I also have all my parents' photo albums, my mother-in-law's pictures, and some of my maternal grandmother's. Sometimes I look through some of them on dreary days, and memories flash through my mind. I can still remember the warm hugs from my grandmother, my grandfather's big welcoming smile whenever he saw me, the little notes my mother would give me that were always signed, "Love and kisses, Mom and Dad", playing with my father in the waves at the beach, the day my sister and I hugged and cried when she left for college. Needless to say, I end up with tears in my eyes. I am so darn sentimental. I sometimes wonder what my children and grandchildren will remember about me. And who in heavens name is going to want all these pictures when I am gone? Ugh, sorry, I didn't mean to make this all about me. It sounds like you have many good memories of those days by the harbor. I hope that the grief you felt was one caused by the emotional impact of those memories and not due to regret. I think those days and years made you the strong, sensitive, caring person you are today. We are formed by all the experiences of the past, and we continue to grow and change as we live each day. You are a special person, and we are blessed to have you in our lives.
Hugs and prayers from, Lynne
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Hi ladies~I had a wonderful birthday today. My best friend of my childhood came up today and she spoiled me. She took me to lunch, bought me bose sport wireless headphones and a portable charger. She also spoiled me at the dispensary, she has always been so generous. Then again we are like sisters. I kinda try to spoil her also. We have a blast and laughed, today has been the best day in a very long time that I almost felt Normal. I am so pleased that I went through with that surgery. I actually wore normal clothing today and got many compliments, I'm not used to that. I got a beautiful card from DH and he bought me new shoes and a dress for Tuesday's court house wedding and the luncheon afterwords. So that was sweet. I have to say I am hoping against hope that this is how I am going to continue to keep feeling. Because if it is, I will be beyond thrilled. I still rest when I have to. But overall I felt better today than in omg years. Wow! Now that's a birthday present!!!😃 I thank you all for your good wishes for my birthday and scans. I feel truly thankful beyond words.have to say I had a great day. With all this loss I feel Bad saying that....I know there is nothing I can do to change anything but I sure would if I could. Much love to all. Thanks again. Much love ~M~
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So, I’ve had 4-5 glasses of wine tonight and I’m fairly wasted, lol. Also, an old friend of DH’s is living with us and he’s cracking me up tonight, I do enjoy getting drunk and laughing my ass off! We’re watch old episodes of Wonderfalls from 2004, I do loved that show. Nighty night everyone 🙂
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Illimae, hope you don't suffer in the morning lol. I love a few drinkies, but can't stomach much these days, but enjoy everyone else doing it and having a good laugh. X
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50sgirls, it is nice hearing about your memories. I live in the Ohio Valley where I grew up and yet still so much has changed over the years here due to steel mill closures which affected everything else in the area. A lot of what used to be here no longer is. Old schools torn down and new ones built, small village downtowns where we would have lunch, run into friends and socialize are mostly abandoned, many banks, car dealers and furniture store closures, and our mall is literally a shell of its former self. My mom's old apartment building, once so stately and welcoming now attracts unsavory characters and no longer pristine. I try not to dwell on the past, yet it is part of me and some things spark memories. We have much beauty here still, but a certan vibrancy is gone that wil never return.
Micmel, it is so totally wonderful to hear about your birthday and how nice it was for you. I wish you many many many many more days like that. Sure, life is filled with ups and downs, but when you can string some good days together it is quite restorative and offers hope.
I have freshened up my backyard the past couple weeks, spraywashing the backporch, giving some outdoor tables a fresh coat of paint as well as the garage 'people'' door and a large star hung on the side of the garage. A couple pots of impatients on the porch are a nice compliment to the many perennial flowers in the yard. Stepson and family will be in for the weekend and ds also. Going to be almost 90 degrees! Happy Memorial Day to all.
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Good morning ladies. Hope everyone is doing well. I have to laugh 😂 at Mae!!!!! I read that to my DH earlier and he was cracking up. You truly are a trip that I enjoy. Thank you for the laugh.... waving hello to Minnie. Divine..and 50's. it's going to be very hot here today. I have been out everyday this week, Ithink today is going to be a rest day for me. I do not like the heat, the heat does not like me. So we try to avoid each other. Lol. Stay cool! Much love ~M~
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Micmel- So glad you had a wonderful bday! Who knew “normal” would be an aspirational thing
Illimae- Sending Advil this morning! Last thing is good medicine call me! I seldom drink any more but have a bottle of prosecco in the fridge for “good test results” days
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Hello ladies, I have promised Mic I would check in and have sorely neglected to, though I do read all your posts. I want to send a special hug to holmes as I am sadly too familiar with that kind of loss. It tore my heart to read it.
Mic, a belated happy birthday and congratulations on a return to normal.
All the memories you have been sharing, so bittersweet. I have a picture frame DH bought a couple years ago, one of those you put a flash drive in and it cycles through the pictures, and I set it on a table where it’s always visible - maybe not such a great idea after all. The other day as I was feeling nostalgic, watching the pictures fade in and out, I was recalling the year each one was made. It made me somehow even sadder. So many pictures of him, healthy and happy, and then the last one that was taken of him, at our 30th anniversary party,, smiling but not happy, and so jaundiced. How did i not see it? But I did. I just couldn’t fix it.
I’m glad though, that he can’t see me now. I had 2 abraxane tx before they stopped because my inflammation levels were getting out of hand again, and I couldn’t breathe. I’d walk the few steps to the toilet and back to bed and be gasping for breath. I finally got in to see the rheumatologist who consulted in the hospital, and - long story short - he and my oncologist put their heads together and put me back on 40 mg prednisone until we figure out what’s causing it. Yesterday I had a temporal artery biopsy to rule out (or in) giant cell arteritis, a type of vasculitis that affects the carotid system. I had a stat PET scan last week which was inconclusive for the inflammation issue, but found no cancer progression, so I will restart abraxane next week. The major development is that I am now on 24/7 oxygen, and while it does help, when I get up and move around I still have problems. Then there’s the little annoyance of my persistent taxotere drippy nose fighting with the oxygen cannula. I need a drip cup. When I was on oxygen in the hospital I asked for a mask instead, and I’ll probably do that again.
The 2 abraxane tx were sufficient to loosen all my hair, so I visited my friendly hairdresser and I am now butch again. It will be nice and cool for the summer, should I ever be able to be outside.
Fortunately I have not had any further cardiac events, although the occasional discomfort tells me I am not entirely out of the woods. One problem with diagnosing this inflammation is that since I was back on the prednisone for a few days before any testing, that may have compromised the results. But the rheumatologist dragged his feet, said he was doing research, which I understand because this is a rare occurrence, but had I waited any longer to go back on it, some of the damage could be irreversible. As it is, I don’t know. I’ve been recertified for Home Health visits for another 2 months.
I’m so frustrated by the inactivity, though, and my house is unfinished! I have so much I want to do, and even with the oxygen I’m still so weak and limited. I don’t want other people having to do what I should be doing!
Well, my Rose says it’s bedtime, she wants her nini treat and she wants it Right Now! Nini ladies, I’ll try to fill in the blanks for you if you want...
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Good morning all,Sorry I missed your birthday Micmel.
My grand daughter graduated and I am done with graduations for 2018!!!
I didn't want to post it when I read Holmes news.
My daughter who graduated last week with her daughter who graduated Wednesday.
My five grandchildren. The young lady with the braids is my grand daughters best friend who came from NY for the weekend.
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Magda~Now it makes complete sense why you weren't around. I am so sorry you're having a hard time with abraxane, I've had it and I know it's rough. I am glad that you let us know so we weren't all worrying. I had been wondering for a while now. No way you can mess with the heart! Hope that's settled down permanently. I lost my hair quickly on abraxane. But does good Work for sure. I'm sorry you're having to go through all this. You were on my mind. !
Tanya~ it seems to me you have a lot of very good looking people in your family !! Lol every time I see someone. They are very lovely. You my dear have a wonderful family, you're very lucky. I am So happy for all of you. Look at those smiles. Even the guest is lovely. Congrats to the graduate. Much love ~M~
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Magda, life is being so hard on you at the moment. Hoping things improve for you. Sending hugs.
Tanya, it's good to,post good news too. We need good news to make us see that it is not all doom and gloom. Congratulations!!
I'm back for bloods and treatment this week, due another scan with contrast which I dread as my veins are impossible to find. My hip has been less painful, but suffering with knee, same leg. Not feeling so good as last cycle, possibly all in my mind due to scanxiety. On a more personal level, I find my DH is drinking more and more. Any advice anyone? Don't know what to do
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Oh Minnie! Your concern about your DH’s drinking hit close to home! My husband apparently began drinking in secret not long after my dx, and hid it very successfully from me, because i trusted him. When he had his first episode of liver disease, he swore it was from the acetaminophen he’d been taking for sinus headaches - and that may well have been a contributing factor, but the wine didn’t help.
Some 15 years earlier, he had watched his beloved mother die of throat cancer. So when I was dxed, all he could think was he would have to watch me die too. I think he was determined to go first, and he did. If I could go back and live those days over, one thing I would do is talk more, spend more time with him just talking it over. I think he never really adequately grieved the loss of his mom, and so was unprepared to lose me. I long ago accepted that this beast would kill me, so I was probably unnecessarily blasé about dying. I’m sure that didn’t help matters.
Just don’t let it slide, Minnie. My husband died of cirrhosis and multiple organ failure, but mostly of a broken heart. Talk to him, love on him, take his pain seriously. If he’s drinking, he’s trying to numb the pain. Help him find a better way. Be a better wife than I was. And keep in touch. Much love.
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Magda that was perfect advice for Minnie.
Minnie I agree 100% with Magda. Maybe you can find a counselor to process it with both of you.
Love on him for sure and also let him no you're concerned. Drinking a lot can cause other problems and then there's still the cancer. ugh.
I asked my ONC for a Pet scan and he also ordered an MRI because I've been having pain in my spine and abdomen. He seemed very concerned Ugh again but onward. MRI June 4th and PEt June 7th.
Tanya
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Holmes-It's wonderful how caring people can be in times of sorrow. I hope you and your husband found some peace at the park.
Micmel-Happy Belated Birthday, and YAY for good scans! Sorry about your son-in-law to be's accident. I hope he's feeling better. I didn't know they were getting married at city hall, I thought they were getting married in the fall? Are they just having the reception then?
Mae-Loved your post! I don't drink as much as I used to, but the other night, I did split half a bottle of wine (a small one) with the hubby. I slept great that night!
Tanya-Beautiful pics of your family! Congrats to all the graduates!
Magda-I'm so sorry for all you are going through! Big Hugs!
MJH-Glad you got to enjoy your hometown. Going down memory lane is wonderful. I've lived in the same neighborhood for almost my entire life (1st year married, we had an apartment 1 mile away). I've seen our city change so much over the years, some good some bad. There are memories everywhere for us. Good luck with your treatment this week.
Lynne-Yes, I know that they have a new computer system, but the rudeness from Stephanie, is nothing new, and I usually seem to get her at check-out. I'm always walking on pins and needles when she's setting up my appointments. My niece's mother-in-law was the office manager there until recently, and she said that she is a problem. I guess we're stuck with her. I probably won't get an appointment now until the week before, and if they can't do it Thursday morning, then I'll tell them they can wait until the Monday after the Mini weekend. I'm done! I don't usually ask for certain days or times, and they give me a hard time. Good luck scheduling me the week before! I too believe people will leave and go somewhere else. I was shocked when I saw you at the Backroom! I thought I was seeing things! LOL
It's a cool day here today (57) compared to yesterday (in the low 90s). Crazy NH weather, like usual!
Went for my last breakfast this morning, before I can't eat much this week. Strawberry and Banana Crepes with whip cream! YUM! Hopefully, this week isn't too bad.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend everyone! Hugs!
Lynne
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micmel I'm glad you had such a great birthday!!!
Tanya- I'm very happy about all of the graduations. What a wonderful busy time you have had!
magda- I'm so sorry that you are having a rough time of it. I pray that things get better for you.
how are you feeling Mae? It's great how you keep living life to it's fullest
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Hi Holmes and everyone. I’m well, been taking it easy this week, as I fell on Tuesday (No, I wasn’t drunk, lol) and bruised up my knee. I was in a hurry to make an appt at my cancer center and was distracted by trying to wrestle a box of chicken nuggets into my purse without crushing it, I tripped on the carpet and went down as the cart transporting patients across the sky bridge drove by. Everyone was horrified but I’m ok.
No Sunday dinner and tv today, I went to a small gathering at a friends house instead, good times.
And for your enjoyment, here’s a pic of my dog, biggie, I thought he looked like Oscar the grouch.
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Thank you Magdalena 51, I feel that I already know,that he is trying to hide away from my cancer or as you say, thinking he could go first. I have started to talk, but he was angry. However next morning a bit calmer and thoughtful. We need this break away this week, and a little time alone, which is rare for us, as we are a centre for friends. Our door has always been open to others, and maybe that is part of the problem. Chemo tomorrow. Will keep you posted.
Love to all
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I haven't posted for ages but read this thread often. I am chugging along on new chemo after a femur break and pin inserted and also a bout of high bilirubin. Family from the UK have been staying and TBH - whilst help is always wanted - it's been frustrating being treated like an invalid all the time. After all - this is my life now so can we just change the subject. Also stop reporting to my DH how much I'm doing and how good that is! I feel a little ungrateful but I wish people didn't comment so much. Especially new people I meet through friends who have obviously heard my story. Sadly, I think I will be loosing my hair soon. (if not on my current traetment Cisplatin my next one - prob Taxol) so no more anonymous life for me.
On a happier note I am so happy to have my two boys back this summer from college. Youngest, 19, back from Boston has a local job at a nearby hotel as a Bellhop - great tips!. Oldest, 21, coming home in a couple of weeks from Seattle, has secured a great internship at a local large phama company. I've decided to start to book up lots of nice things to do - cooking classes, days out or even just deciding it's a duvet day! I had a bit of a scare a few weeks ago where it looked like I was running out of treatments - everything is back on track as far as it can be. On a more serious note it has prompted us to get out wills/trust/health directives/power of attorney up to date. I have stopped composing in my mind a speech for a friend to read when I'm gone. (Can't write the word f#n#r#l down)
Wishing you all a peaceful Memorial Day.
Sarah
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Hot weekend in WI, like upper 90s and our central ac is not working. We did spend a few days in Door county which is right on lake Michigan, and much cooler it was really nice. Now I just hope they can fix AC tomorrow, the heat is making me feel awful.
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Sarah, It is good to see you here. It sounds like you have been having quite a time of it lately. I am glad that things are getting back to a more manageable level. What can I say about family? They are great to have around as long as they behave themselves. They try really hard to help sometimes, but let face it they either go overboard or they don't do enough. I know that they cannot possibly know how we feel or what we want, but treating us like invalids is not the answer. And talking about us like we either aren't there or are two years old, well ugh! When I told my children, who were all adults, about my MBC diagnosis, I gave them each a list of "Mom's Rules." It was a short list, but made it clear what I wanted and did not want from them. It included a note that they were not to treat me like an invalid. It ended with a statement saying that although they could ask me as many questions they wanted anytime at all, they were not allowed to challenge my decisions. I said that that If they tried, I would always win. None of the were surprised that I gave them a list of rules, and each has adhered to them. Do you think it would help if you sat down your family members and told them how they are making you feel? Maybe you can give them some suggestions of things they could do that actually WOULD be helpful. Instead of trying to do everything for you, maybe you would like them to sit and talk or go to the park or look at old pictures or something else. Maybe they could cook a meal or do some chore you really hate to do like clean a closet or clean the bathroom or do grocery shopping. They probably mean well but really don't know what to do. I would also make it clear that talking about you is not acceptable. If you want your husband to know about how you are and what you are doing, you are capable of telling him. I really don't' think you would be hurting their feelings. They might be glad to have suggestions. Friends and acquaintances, of course, are a different story. I have learned that some people know how to act, and others seem to develop numb-brain and come out with really stupid remarks. I have only told a few friends about my MBC. When the time comes that my treatment causes hair loss, things will be different. I have read your posts on other threads, and I think you are a strong person. You will decide whether you will don a wig or a scarf or just show off your bald head. No matter what you decide, you will still be the same person you are. If someone gives you an unwanted comment or that horrible sad puppy look, stand tall and have a quick retort ready for them. It could be something amusing or serious, that is your call, but it should be something that will cut them off. Maybe, "Yes, I am on chemo, and doing fine, thank you." Or "Oh, do you like my new do?" Or, "Well, I am still here and I am living my life to the fullest." I am sure others here will have better ideas. It will be great to have your sons around for the summer. It sounds like they have made good choices for their summer breaks. Enjoy your cooking classes, days out and duvet days. I look forward to hearing about them.
Hugs and prayers from, Lynne
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Asking for prayers and good thoughts today. I am having an MRI to follow up on what my onc and the radiologist feel is inflammation of my left kidney. They had me stop all NSAD medication for 4 weeks before the MRI . They could see no formed cyst or mass on the Ct scan, but decreased blood flow to the area. Of course my mind goes to the worst possible scenerio. The worry never ends...0
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Lynnwood, I am praying for you and hope that your mind is just going to the wrong place. As you know, NSAIDs are notorious for causing kidney issues. I have had more than my share of kidney problems since my MBC diagnosis, so I know there can be many different things that stir things up. None of my issues are MBC-related, just a little bonus, I guess I hope you don't have to wait long for the results of the MRI. You have "secret phone number" for results, don't you? We are with you in that MRI tube. I hope they play some good music. Big HUG to you.
Hugs and prayers from, Lynne
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Micmel, Today is your daughter's big day, right? I can't wait to see the pictures.
Hugs and prayers from, Lynne
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Thanks Lynne! You are always so kind and thoughtful! Yes I will be calling the secret number! Lol!! I’ve never told my onc I have it. I just like to have a general idea of the results before I talk to her. To her credit, she has always told me everything that I’ve heard and never left anything out. Micmel, thinking of you today as your daughter marries! Hope a good time will be had by all. Pictures when you can!! Enjoy!!0
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Micmel I hope your daughters wedding day is beautiful. I’m excited to see the pictures. I hope you were feeling stron and I know you looked wonderful
Lynwood 196 I pray your mri goes well. I take Valium for that carnival ride. I pray the results will be favorable and no worries for results.
Scwilly family is nice. It sounds as if yours are over concerned and attentive. I love the advice from 50s girl Lynn. I tell my sisters, children and mom everything that they ask. My friends too (close ones). I don’t volunteer information. My youngest daughter has my sign on info for my patient portal. She asked for it bc she didn’t want to keep asking me about stuff and I got sick of every conversation being the cancer talk. My husband I tell all important stuff. I personally prefer to attend infusion, blood work stuff alone. If family or friends ask to take me I say yes. My husband came more often to radiation and initial horror appts but now I think he needs a little break. I know you will tell them when to back off when you need to.
Keetmom glad you enjoyed Lake Michigan it goes from freezing to extra hot quickly. Hope your AC gets fixed today!
Tanya
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Micmel, thinking of you today!!! Waiting for pics!!!
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Micmel-Happy wedding day to your daughter. Please posts pics. I love weddings!
Lynnwood-Saying a prayer for good results! Hugs!
Keetmom-Hope they fix your a/c soon! Hot here in NH too! Pushing 90 today, yesterday it was barely 60!
Scwilly-You certainly have a lot on your plate! I get the family thing. I have 4 adult children and they are great about everything. I just hate the pity looks I get from them and their father (we've been married almost 35 years, high school sweethearts). I also hate when my husband asks if I'm ok, when I've just gone to the bathroom! I too do not want to be treated any differently. I've been MBC for 6 years now, and about a year ago, I started on Taxotere, which made me lose my hair for the first time. Before, nobody knew by looking at me, that I had stage 4 cancer. When I'd tell people, they'd say I looked great (of course I didn't always feel great on the inside, but they couldn't SEE that!). Now, people look at me with my scarf or hat on (I have a wig, only worn it 4 times, hate it!), and they know. They quickly look the other way mostly, although some are rude and just stare. I've gotten used to it. I hate having to put on make-up every time I go somewhere though, since I lost my eyebrows (there wasn't much there to begin with) and eyelashes (I don't do anything with them). I never was a make-up person, just cover up (for spots) and on a special occasion, mascara. I've gotten used to it but still hate it. Next treatment for me (when this one stops working) doesn't make you lose your hair. I'm hoping it will return. Unfortunately, our nephew is getting married in August. I guess I'll wear that awful wig (and bring a scarf when I get too ho!). Yes, take those classes, get out, live life to the fullest! We are LIVING with cancer NOT dying from it!!
Well I guess I was tired. I initially woke at 7 this morning. I watched tv for an hour, and felt sleepy, so I shut it off and went back to sleep. I slept until 12pm! I went to bed at 9:30! I hope that this is not a sign of what's to come. I don't want to spend the rest of my life sleeping most of the day! I've never slept past 9 in my life!
I suppose that I should shower (it's after 3 pm) before my husband gets home! LOL I don't think he cares, but I do!
Keep cool in this heat everyone! Hugs!
Lynne
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this is probably one of the hardest posts I'll ever have to write. There was a wedding today yes, but I didn't attend it. Over the past two weeks I have been seeing strange behavior coming from her fiancé. A controlling odd weird skin crawling feeling. He was finishing her sentences, running interference with all her friends and now she has no friends left. Her best friend and I talked Sunday and it was clear there was a serious problem, he was talking to my DH and i with disgusting disrespect and they purposefully ignored my birthday Friday and blamed on their religion as a personal choice. They seem to be picking and choosing what they follow and It is breaking my soul. I have been informed that I am not supposed to talk to them and respect their space. In my house ? So we asked him to leave. He threatened legal action after we have taken him in and let him live for free for 16 months. Saying we can't kick him out without 60days notice. We have no lease. It was verbal. So we are seeking a lawyer for guidance. I cannot honor that marriage after how he spoke to us. So they got married and believe it or not actually came back to our house after the wedding lunch. Our house ???? That is no man, that is a mouse. I'm going to have to really find some strength to let her go and fall on her own. But I won't be any part of disrespectful young boys. Who pick on stage four cancer patients with maliciou intentions and behaviors directed towards me. It's become to the point. I'm afraid of him. All because I stood up to him and defended myself. He didn't like so he took my daughter from me and she watched it happen. I'm broken-hearted beyond words. So. I'll be a little down until I can come to terms with all this. Even after all that. She still wanted my dress and all the things I bought for her wedding. I booked the venue. It's in my name. I paid the deposit. On that and the DJ. I amOut thousands of dollars. I'm so sick I can't even get out of bed. And poor DH. Taking her in since 6and taking care of her like his own and she does this. Broken heart doesn't even begin. Devastating on top of my diagnosis. The shit just keeps coming. I don't know how much more I can take. Thanks for what would be the good wishes. But I have lost my child two days ago. I can do nothing except watch. I'm worried for her. Seriously worried. 💔😞😭😰. ~M~
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MicMel. You were waiting so long for his day and finally its here. We want pictures! That is the only way to be part of your happiness!
Elena
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Micmel, Whaaat? That is crazy! Ok, solid words of advice, JW are notorious for shunning loved ones! I'm so sorry that this has happened to you! I am hoping and praying that her eyes will be opened too reality soon.
As far as them living with you, are you seriously afraid of him? Did he verbally abuse you? Because if he did, you call the police, you file a complaint and then you go to your attorney and file an injunction against him! That is unacceptable! Sounds like he was prepared to be kicked out and is going to be difficult. Ok, right back at you!
There is also the option of removing their personal items from the house and changing your locks while they are out. But make sure that your daughter is told that you love her and if she ever needs you, you will be there for Her!
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