My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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Micmel, Sorry doesn't even begin to tell you how I feel, but it must suffice for now. I am deeply sorry for the way you have been treated, for the fear you feel for your DD's safety, for the loss of her presence in your life, and for the intolerable behavior of the young man your DD has chosen to marry. It has always amazed me that the law would seem to side with someone like your freeloading boarder in a case such as this. I realize that it is to protect the innocent, but it is sad that it must also apply in this case. I know how painful it is to see someone you love suddenly turn on you and reject you. A few months ago, one of my sons decided to leave here with his family and will no longer speak to me, so I know how painful these situations can be. Someday maybe I will tell you more, but today is all about you, not me. I know you don't believe in the power of prayer, but I do, and I will pray for you and your family. There is one thing I want you to remember. You cannot change the course of your daughter's life. If she wants things to change, she will have to choose to do it for herself. She is an adult. If she comes to her senses or feels that the life before her is not what she wants, she will find her way back to you. You are not to blame for any of this. You loved your daughter and her choice of a husband and gave them everything. You welcomed him into your family. You supported her throughout her life. I repeat, she is an adults and made her own choices. Now you must mourn what you have lost - the future of your relationship with your daughter. Cry, scream, throw something. When you are done, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, look in the mirror, and tell yourself that you are the person you must put first now. You and your DH still have a wonderful future ahead of you. You share a deep love for each other. You will get through this, and you will be happy. Now to money issues. Can you get the deposits back for the wedding arrangements? Is that what you want to do? I find it shocking that they have the nerve to go through with the reception since you contributed so much, and the wedding gown, UNBELIEVABLE. Maybe there will be some sort of reconciation, but it must come from them, not you. Remember, put yourself first, immerse yourself in the love you and your DH share, and be happy. We are here for you to listen, to support you, and to hug you.
Hugs and prayers from, Lynne
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Bad, bad, bad... Mama bear just got her back up! You need to deal with this head on! Don't delay because you don't know when, how or if this will escalate! You are in my thoughts and prayers!
Keetmom, Ugh, no a/c is sheer torture for everyone! Lynne(man), I hope that you get some energy. I hate any type of hovering! It just makes me feel bad. I like 50's girls advice about rules! How about a fine , say .25 to anyone who uses the C word in your presence.
Hi to you all!
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Micmel, I live by these words...when people show you who they are, believe them the first time. You have now been shown who this person is. My heart breaks to see you treated so badly and my blood boils to think of all of the money you have put out for these ungrateful people!! Get them out and don't let them back in. As much as it hurts now, you will be saving yourself from further heartache. You mark my words...one day your daughter will come to her senses and deeply regret her behavior. At that time you will have to decide what to do. In the meantime, now is the time for peace and love with your husband. One of the hardest lessons I ever had to learn is that we cannot change others behavior...we can ONLY change the way we react to it. Once I learned this it was very liberating!!! My mantra now is " do not engage". I refuse to engage in drama created by others. Once they are out, be done with their drama, I am very sorry that you are going through this, so not fair!!!0
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I haven't written for a while, because of my daughter hudge moving since Saturday. Three full tracks/ the biggest/ . Moving is horrible! In 10 days we'll put the house for sale and if we get the money we planed we'll sell it and move close to them. We want to be with the baby and not to drive back and fort the 2 hours distance.
Hi to all my sisters! Elena
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waving hello to Blueshine.
My heart is in half. I am devastated, I never dreamed this would happen. I started getting nervous when I noticed a shift in his attitude when asked to contribute. He became odd with his responses and tones. Slams doors when no one else is home to hear it. On purpose bangs things. Because I stood up to him and told him he didn't own my daughter. But apparently I am wrong. Because I think he does. I was thrown out with yesterday's trash for standing up to a freeloading petulant little boy. In JW the Man plans the home and etc.... how can he even think bringing back his new bride to her parents house where you aren't welcome and have been asked to leave. Disgusting. 💔💔💔💔💔. this is really just killed my soul. And I can't handle more stress with this diagnosis. It makes me feel sicker. I'm sure you all know. I don't want to contribute anything. It was my vision. I had that special silk bouquet made for her I coordinator the colors for everything. And I was disinvited? When the contract for the train station is in my name? I could cancel it and get my money back for that. I feel like doing that and not telling them. They would still think they would have the day booked... but it wouldn't be anymore that month was already filling up fast. It will make it another thing I will have to be hurt by. If they have it .i can't take much more. I already can't eat or sleep. It's horrible. Thanks for the support. Lynne ❤️ I know you're right. When you want to share with me. I'd value hearing it. I need some way to reach someunderstanding, I need to not loose my mind over this. 💔😢😭😰 ~M~
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My posts came somehow late.
MicMel, I am so sorry that you are going through this horrible drama ! We are here for you to listen and to give you a good advice. This boy doesn't deserve nothing you did for him, but this is his loss. He shows his true face and no matter what kind excuses he'll give you, never believe him. He was not respectful to you and actually to his parents, don't expect nothing good from people like him. Don't be afraid of him, kick him out, this is your house and if your doughter wants to go, let her go. I am 100 percent sure she'll be back /more likely sooner than later/ apologizing. You have to close the door and wait. Like 50sgirl Lynne said , you have something precious, the love between your husband and you.
Love and hugs. Elena.
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Oh micmel, I am stunned to learn of these recent events. I agree that it would be good to let her know that she is welcome back should she ever need to, especially if she fears him in any way. Unfortunately, any more than that would be like talking to a wall right now, love is great but it can do terrible things to our reasonable judgement and general state of mind. Sometimes people must come to their own conclusions. It’s tough, I wish you peace and the ability to focus on you now.
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Hello everyone!
A special thanks going out to all of my sisters on this thread. I have spent the last few days,trying to think of anything I could do,to keep micmel from this awful hurt! All of your words of support help her,while she is dealing with this unbelievable latest event.
We all know what a wonderful lovable soul she is.
I am with Lynne,praying for Micmel!!
Hugs to everyone
For those of you who don’t know me,I’m the silent shy one on this thread.
I love you all!
Chelle
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Hi Chelle, It is so nice to see you here.
Hugs and prayers from, Lynne
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Oh Micmel! My heart is just breaking for you! I cannot fathom the pain you must be in and I am so incredibly angry that you have been treated so shabbily. I agree with other voices here that you should get them out of your home, because you need time, time to heal, time to process all of this! Can I come and kick somebodies rear? Cause gosh I wish I could right now!
She will come around but it’s like an addict, you gotta let her realize what a loser he is all on her own. Hard to do, I realize that, but you have to come first in this situation and you can’t with them there.
Sending you tons of love and hugs!
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Micmel
Make a decision with your husband tell them what it is and that’s it.
Sorry your daughter will follow him to the end of the earth right now nothing you can do about that. Just let her know that she’s welcome home in the future but right now they need to start their life anew. No 60 days either like move this weekend. I would tell her you’re taking your deposit back and they can go for it on their own. If they’re so much in love they should be able to figure it out.
You don’t owe them anything. They’re paid in full.
Prayers going up. I’m happy you enjoyed all the time preceding g this event. This is one of those soul crushing hurts. No one can hurt you like family. You’ll begin to heal once they’re gone. As long as he’s there you and your husband will be miserable.
Take care
Tanya
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Oh Micmel...I am speechless. Absolutely stunned. And my heart is broken for you. Just broken. I can't even imagine. I agree with the others... get him (them, I guess) the hell out of YOUR house. Let your daughter know you're there if she needs you and then let go. Hardest thing you'll have to do, but necessary at this point. There is nothing you can do or say right now to make her see the situation for what it is. But she will...hold onto that... she will.
I am SO sorry...you were so happy and. excited. And then this crap. It makes me SO ANGRY. I'd cancel that reception in a heartbeat. Why should you pay for it when they have zero respect for you? AND you're not invited???
This is so not your fault... nothing you did, nothing you said, NOTHING. Take care of you right now. Stay in bed, cry, scream... whatever it takes to start the healing. Then take stock of the good in your life and concentrate on that.
I haven't been around long but I love you and send you nothing but love and hugs and anything else you need. Hang tough, sweet lady. You can and will get through this.
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Micmel. I’m very sorry to hear of the latest circumstances concerning your daughter. I commend you, though, for listening to your gut and not going to the wedding. Some moms would go out of obligation or trying to make it all smooth over, or to keep up appearances. It is a very good thing you are following your instincts. Yes, it sucks that things did not unfold as you had hoped for the wedding. But you were seeing lots of red flags, and had to act accordingly. Good for you.
Do you think you could gain some good advice by searching on line how to deal with this kind of relationship fracture when a daughter is consumed by and marries a questionable man and breaks from her parents? There are no doubt some good tips on ways to cope. You need that. I well remember how the only boyfriend my mother objected to drove me further into a relationship with him. I was about 20 years old and I wasn’t about to let my mom dictate my life. Of course she was 100% right, and after a year of living with him, I left and it took me several years to pull out of the nose dive I found myself in. But there were lessons I had to learn the hard way. I feel for you, but in the meantime, you must take care of your own physical, mental and emotional health. Especially if you are fearful of the daughter’s husband.
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Micmel- I’m so sorry that this has happened to you and your DH. Groomzillas are definitely a thing and your DD found one.
Picture an army of MBC zombies protecting you from him! (That’s us)
The courts may not help. In my experience they make things more difficult. I would get an order of protection against him ahead of time. When they will be gone for awhile, change the locks and put their stuff in the garage or yard. (Arrange for a night away or long night out for them if you need to.)
Let Mr Wonderful “man up.” If he causes a scene, call the police. Then he will have to prove he should have access to the property rather than you proving he doesn’t.
You and your DH deserve some peace. Stress is hard on your health! Imagine your personal army surrounding you with love.
DD will figure it out, but it may take awhile. Stay healthy and look forward to that reconciliation day. Oh yeah...spend the reception money on a wonderful vacation or second honeymoon for you and DH! Invest in love.
In the meantime- if you can be “Scarlett” and think about this horrible thing tomorrow, denial may get you through the next few days and weeks. We are here for you friend
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thank you all so much. I am devastated, I honestly didn't see this coming it all unfolded so quickly. It was like at my feet within a week. We had a little tiff back about a half of a year ago. And I let it go. Because no ones perfect. But this went from bad to worse! In a odd creepy short time period. I didn't feel right and my gut said NO!! I always listen to it, it's usually right. She's lost all of her friends that are girls. Or guys. She is now only his wife for now. Who hasn't no place to take home his new bride. She's at Work, he is upstairs sleeping. His accident I suppose, after his accident they wanted to use my van for transportation, now it's too big for her she hates driving it. He always did. But since I stood up to him. He refused to use my van. But I said no anyway and said get yourself a rental car that what's adults do. It was from that point on. I guess my telling him what he could and couldn't do. And standing up to him, he didn't like that and has set out to punish me by taking my daughter away. Ther e is nothing I can do. Would you believe he is sleeping upstairs in her room. Gag! I am so sick and heartbroken. Much love ~M~
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Micmel, I am standing with you today, holding your hand through this tumultuous time. You can squeeze hard if you need to, I won't break. I wish that everyone of us could hold onto you! We are in our hearts and minds! Love you!
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Kathryn gave you some great advice I think. Get them out of the house somehow. Change the locks, place all of his belongings out on the lawn along with anything if your daughters you think she will need. Don’t let them back in. Lock up tight, and call the police if you need too. That’s a definite wake up call for them
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Michel, I know it is hard, but you will get through this. I must say that those two take the cake, in my opinion. How dare they continue to stay in your home! Since they are married, they should be responsible enough to find their own place to live since they know they are not welcome there. They should move in with his parents. That's all I am going to say because I want you to think of the future instead. We are here for you
Bigbhome, How are you and your DH doing? He is scheduled for shoulder surgery on Monday, if I remember correctly. Will that require an overnight stay in the hospital?
Spring is finally here. The rhododendron bushes are blooming in front of my house, and the pinks and salvia are flowering in my perennial gardens. Here is to new beginnings and brighter days ahead for all of us.
Hugs and prayers from, Lynne.
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Micmel, there is a whole lot of male entitlement out there. That is one main issue you are dealing with in your new son in law. He breezes into your life via your daughter, looks around at what you have and sees an opportunity to claim it for himself. Many guys his age lack any respect for women of middle age. Your son in law does not acknowledge all the work you've put in over the years to build your life. He thinks somehow it was handed to you on a silver platter, and he thinks now it should belong to him. Guys like this strong arm women into giving in. It is a form of bullying.
You need to get them out of your house asap. By allowing him to stay there, he sees you as weak. He will try more and more to gain ground in claiming what you have the more you waffle. Sure, pray to God, but seek legal advice. I have had my share of people thinking, because I have a compassionate side, that I am weak, and they try to move in on the life I have built for myself and take over. I learned to put my foot down and did not allow it. I had to be okay with rightfully standing my ground. It is very important. You must do the same and do it *without guilt*. Claim what is rightfully yours. You will need to allow your daughter her freedom to do as she pleases, but you do not and should not enable her in any way.
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we tried to throw them out this weekend. When we did he ranted and raved about how he couldn't be put out legally. Called his father who had been the original one to throw him out in the first place. Apparently his mother is some sort of an attorney, and said they had to have notice because they were considered “tenants".... so... I did some research and we do have to give them some notice.....so we had to also contact a lawyer, DH is meeting with him today and gaining the letter of termination of lease and we are presenting it to them tonight. It's gag gag 30 Days. Gross I know, and knowing that person he will take every day. I am also worried they don't have the money for a place. I know my daughter has been hitting the savings account hard this week. But either way slight progress I suppose. I'm just broken hearted. Beyond words. Love you guys thanks so much ! ~M~
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Micmel-I am so sorry that you are going through all this. I agree with Bigbhome, change the locks, but let her know you love her. You could get a restraining order against him too, if you are afraid of him. That would get him out too. Sorry that what should have been a happy day, was not one! Big Hugs! I hope she sees the light and comes around.
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Micmel, I am glad your DH is meeting with an attorney and you are getting the eviction process started. If they do not have the money for a place of their own, it is not your problem. I repeat, IT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. They are adults, and it is their responsibility to earn money to pay for a place of their own. Let them turn to his family, his friends, or his church for help, if need be. You need to let them figure it out without your help. If they both need to have two jobs, so be it. They are not ten year olds. They are adults. It is time for them to know what real life is like. My DH and I have worked hard for what we have, and I say that with fierce pride, not resentment. My children work hard, too. They appreciate what they have, and those who have children are showing them that actions have rewards or consequences. Have I ever helped them out when they needed it? Of course, but i wouldn't help any of them who treated my DH and me the way you have been treated. Earning one's own way in life can be hard at times, but it is worth it. Sometimes we have to struggle in order to enjoy the rewards. If we treat people with cruelty and disrespect, we should expect to suffer the consequences. This is particularly true in this case since you and your DH have done so much for two people who turned on you.
Hugs and prayers from, Lynne
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Lynne(50's) Thank you for sharing your beautiful pictures with us! Lovely! You are such a special lady! We pick up our 5yr old dgs on Saturday and I can't wait! Yes, Dh's surgery is on Monday. I have to say, honestly, I am not thinking about all that is going on around here until I have to. Sil 1 Will stay with dgs during Dh's surgery, then we come home and he will be incapacitated for 2 weeks! dgs and sil1 go home that Sat. Much more going on that I will be posting on the bone mets thread later. Thank you for thinking of us!
Holmes, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers everyday!
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I hate when I post on the previous page, and have not read the next page. I missed a lot.
Micmel-I'm sorry you have to be stuck with them for 30 days. Hopefully, the attorney will tell you that you can get them out sooner. I would also cancel the reception and take a vacation (if you can get your deposit back). Our older daughter was engaged to be married a few years ago. He thought he'd be moving into our house once they got married (they both lived at home). I put my foot down and said that they'd have to get their own place (his family didn't volunteer her to move in with them). He said he wanted to postpone the wedding (4 months before the wedding). She asked until when. He didn't have an answer, so she said she was done. We were going to lose our $1000 deposit, so I had a big ($3000) 50th birthday party for my husband (his birthday was the week before the wedding, so I changed the date and had the party). The cake people were not going to give us back the $200 deposit, so he had a fancy birthday cake. The flower people were kind and gave her back her deposit. The dresses were all ordered and bought. She has a wedding dress that she'll never wear, in my closet. Her sister (matron of honor) bought her dress in yellow, and she bought one of her bridesmaid's dresses in mint green (and paid back the bridesmaid's deposits), and they wore them to their cousin's wedding 2 months later. Of course the groom and groomsmen were just renting tuxes, so they were out no money. I had bought my dress too, luckily, it wasn't that expensive and I've worn it a couple of times. I would not let him use your car, or anything else of your's, at all. He sounds controlling and has anger issues. I hope that they get out of your house soon! HUGS!
Lynne-Your flowers are beautiful! I wish I could keep up my garden, but it's too much. Whatever comes up comes up. I do have a lot of buds on my rose bushes. I'll send a picture when they bloom. The irises are they only thing blooming in the grass filled garden right now. I have that last plant (salvia?) you posted, no blooms yet.
Beautiful day here. Today, I'm going to sit outside for awhile. I need to get out of this house!
Lynne
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Lynne-Well said!
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I had a long trip to LA airport yesterday to pickup up a dear friend from the UK. The non dangerous bush fire closing a couple of lanes on the freeway didn't help. This gave me time to think, and to think of you Micmel and to think of my life too with BC mets. We have such a massive item in our lives so many don't have and can't understand. And now M you are dealing with unbearable stress within your family. I can't give you specific advice - you know what is right for you - but feel you need to be comfortable with what you decide. I would say don't feed the beast, cut off what you can control, and what you are doing by getting legal advice is the right thing. (Btw I am appalled with the SIL's mother! Applying attorney advise to her own sons deplorable situation and advising he should stay with his wife's family only because he has the 'legal right' too and not because it's the 'right' thing to do. She has raised a toddler not a man!) I wish you peace and a good future relationship with your daughter but now you must deal with today's situation.
On my slow journey in the freeway I decided I should embrace fun and peace and blasted my favourite Joni Mitchell, Joan Baez etc songs singing loudly along. I reslolved to be more choosey with what I do and how I spend my time. We need to think of ourselves, and though peace is difficult for you, putting your needs first is essential.
This thread shows you have a vast army of supporters holding you up!
Big hugs
Sarah
PS: thanks all for advice with being treated as an invalid. I am definitely understanding that a bit more. You can’tstop folks being themselves by trying to help and all are trying to do the right thing. So I do need to communicate more and not just silently sulk!
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Micmel - I’m virtually a stranger to you, but have been following your family woes. I’m truly sorry for your heartbreak. If my 2 cents are worth anything I’d like to chime in with an old saying from my grandmother -‘a son is a son until he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter the rest of your life. Doesn’t seem like it now, but you raised her lovingly, in what I’m assuming is the total opposite of the life she’s about to encounter with her new husband. I’m betting that she’ll eventually feel so far out of her comfort zone that she will eventually leave him or break his egocentric spirit and patch things up. She loves you, he cannot break that bond, even if she’s doing things that make you think otherwise. He didn’t steal her, she made her choice for whatever reason she saw fit. I have no doubt she will regret this to the end of her days. While you have every right to feel the way you do, try to keep a wee bit of a space in your heart open, she will need your help when she wakes up and realizes what she is choosing, how badly she has hurt you, and how bad her marriage will end up.
As for him, no holds bar, get him (them) out. You might have to give notice, but you don’t have to make it pleasant for him. Turn up the music full blast, turn up the tv at the same time, bang pots together, sing, buy adrum set...damned if I’d let him sleep comfortably!
((Hugs from a stranger))
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All I can say is "WOW'....a lot happening here.
Magda-sounds like you a really going through quite a time of it.You must feel so frustrated when you are unable to do the things you want to. I have heard of arteritis, but did not know they biopsied. I here in your corner hoping for rapid improvement! Gosh, enough is enough...
Tanya-your family is beautiful! I know you must feel anxious about the pain you are feeling. The cycle of worry that we all experience is so debilitating. Crossing my fingers for a boring PET scan.
Micmel-life sure gets messy, doesn't it? Sounds as though this boy was dropped on his head as an infant. I once read a quote that said, "If you bend over backwards for your children, sooner or later, you will fall over". Thought is was insightful and always tried to remember it when dealing with my kids; didn't always succeed. I am so sorry that you are experiencing so much hurt.
Fading now as I had Y90 yesterday-first 12 hours a little rough-doing a bit better now. More later! Love to each. MJH
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