My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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Micmel, that is beautiful! You already won in my book! Sorry you're dizzy. Drink a lot of water or juice or whatever you like to stay hydrated. I don't drive. Some days I feel strong enough (or is that stubborn?) but DH won't let me. I do listen to his concerns and would feel like a heel to do it anyway and cause him extra worry.
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I want to try to keep my independence or as long as I am able. I drive myself usually always and only if I feel sick or not safe, will I ask someone to help me. I love driving, the problem is when I am done driving I have no energy to get out of van. it sucks badly.
Mae~Was very sorry to hear about Paula, I had always seen her incredible activity on Z's fitness thread. She was amazing. It's so damn sad. I'm sick of losing special ladies. Ty for letting everyone know.
Hope everyone keeps warm. I really enjoyed that article Tanya. You're one special lady!
Love you guys.
Nan??? Chelle?? Divine??? 50's???
Night ~M~
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good morning Beauties! Just thinking of you all today. My dear DH is here so I have a better mental space. Today at least. Tonight is the bra event. I am sick. I have a terrible sinus infection again. I am Just convinced. It comes hand and hand with ibrance takers. It's from 5:30 to 8:30. Don't have to stay for the entire thing I suppose, but I hope I at least rate! But either way it was super fun to make. I don't know how many people entered either. That will also make a huge difference I believe. Try to smile one time today and think of me loving all ofyou wonderful people
Runor~hi there.
Daniel~How is Leslie?
Love you ladies !
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Micmel, The bra looks beautiful. You did a wonderful job creating such a masterpiece. Good luck tonight. You have already won first prize from all of the judges here.
Hugs and prayers from, Lynne
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Micmel, beautiful job on your bra. (I especially loved the hidden messages inside.) Your DH is definitely a keeper. God bless him for loving you so much!
I've been thinking about the situation with your DD & I wish I could find an answer for you. Is this is a relatively recent religious commitment on her part? And is her new husband the one responsible for introducing her to this practice? If so, she may be doing this partly in reaction to her fear of losing you. It's not a good choice on her part but I could understand her feeling that she may need someone to lean on besides you (or in addition to you). Embracing his religion could be her way of assuring herself that he will stand by her.
She may return to her old ways in the future, but in the meantime why not take a slightly different approach to all your cherished occasions. Celebrate them for yourself (celebrate Mother's Day as your pride in being her mother, celebrate her birthday as your happiness in giving birth to her, etc). Ask her to join you on those days & do something special for yourself (a spa visit, a fancy lunch, etc) & include her in your plans. If you let her know that you respect her beliefs but that you want her company on days that are important to you, maybe she'll view that as a compromise she can accept. I keep thinking that she is very young to have the weighty concerns that must accompany the knowledge that her mother has stage IV breast cancer. The fact that you were a single mom for awhile probably makes her fear losing you even more.
If she is unwilling to see your point of view, would she agree to attend some kind of counseling with you? Perhaps if she understood how much this is hurting you she would temper her position.
In the meantime, I hope that you are finding things to enjoy as fall finally comes to our part of the country. I wish you pain-free days & much happiness. Sending hugs & love your way ...
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good night ladies. Very tired. Long evening. Much love ~M~. Hi JKL!
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Good morning ladies
Sheila M I hope you’ve gotten some relief.
Mae I didn’t know Paula but I am sorry for her family and friends. Thanks for sharing. As sad and emotional as it is to hear of another sister losing this battle we all keep coming back to honor them and their battle.
Micmel your bra is amazing I think the hidden messages should seal the deal.
Jkl sage advice for Micmel. Whatever religion she’s practicing she will have to find her place and voice within and I hope it’s soon because time for us is ....
50’s girl it’s always good to see you check in.
Muddling the driving concerns are real. I often think when did I take my meds? Have they worn off. How dizzy do I feel. My friends mom had to call for help bc she drove somewhere and then realized she couldn’t get back home.
Lynwood 1960 thanks about the article. Funny when I was interviewed I thought that I’d get to edit some of my comments. It felt like I was just having a conversation. Suffice it to say I got a few phone calls about specific remarks but apologies came too.
Yesterday I went to a grand opening dispensary for CBD-THC weed. 25% off all products. It was a one day event and my DH went with me. Two new products revive AM and Relax PM. This had definitely gotten me off of my sleep meds completely and for that I’m appreciative. It’s also improved my anxiety big time and hence my mood. Thanks Micmel for encouraging me to try it.
MJH, Minnie, Grannax, Runor, all the other names I can’t remember bc cancer treatment has taken a toll on my memory.
Love to you all,
Tanya
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Hello sweetheart Tanya~ I am so happy you’re finding some relief with the medical marijuana areas of treatment. I am convinced it’s why I don’t have it everywhere. It helps me everyday! Much love ~M~
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I ended up leaving the event early. I just didn't feel good. This sinus infection is lame. Doctors office says they are having a Surge of the flu. I'm not going there, I'm already sick! Ugh. So i dont know who won the contest but if I'm honest they really didn't have the set up do the bras justice and all the hard work these women put into the bras. Some were hung too high, so you couldn't see all of then equally. you couldn't see the back of any of them and it was very dark.
I did however have something amazing happen to me in the small time I was there. The office that sponsored the fundraiser along with the hospital, was my reconstruction doctors office. Each nurse at the doctors office chose “their favorite patient" and made something special for them to receive at the event. I had no idea my favorite nurse would also choose me. She is a beautiful angel and I love her. Even more now, because we are forever bonded. Touched my heart I cried on the spot. Some people can make you feel loved and you don't even know they are even thinking about you,and what you're going through. How something so small could be so big to me. I'll post some pics. In a few. Much love ~M~
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.....this is my favorite nurse. Gorgeous young thing. And she made me :::::0 -
.....she told me she chose a pumpkin that wasn’t real, because real pumpkins die.... this pumpkin will never die. And that she is touched by me and my fight. The pumpkin says “She believed she could” it one of the sweetest things I ve seen in long time. My heart swells so much ~M~0 -
......This was the arrangement. See how some aren’t equally eye level and some are way low and way high. You cannot see the back of the bra. Which has extreme details from everyone’s bra. it was a shadowy light box type thing that really was hard to even read! But I enjoyed doing it ! I think there were 12 entries.0 -
Micmel, what a special thing that your favorite nurse chose you as her favorite!!! As a nurse, I know that we form very special bonds with some of our patients. The pumpkin is a beautiful keepsake. I like the look of the bras if they were for display only, but I agree that since this was a contest, they should have all been at eye level and have been able to be seen front and back. It looks like a nice event. I’m sorry that you had to leave early because you didn’t feel well and hope you feel better soon. Lots of rain and wind heading our way tonight
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Thank each of you so very much for your thoughts, prayers and advice.
I guess the emotional side has gotten a bit better. I only cried this morning, not all day long. I have found that I’m still irritable though. (My poor kids.) For whatever reason when I’m sick or in pain I get whiney and kinda snappy. Anyway, I do have some news that I’m trying to believe is good news...
Last night I bent my head down (like chin to chest) and it pulled my lower back, spiking the pain. And today, even though the pain has not subsided at all, I feel achey throughout my entire back and in my thighs. No improvement otherwise - Lower back is still incredibly painful.
However, this has made me start to think in a very hopeful way, that maybe I am fighting off some crazy illness, like a cold or sinus infection, and that this exacerbation of pain may not actually indicate more progression. I want to be prepared for the worst case scenario, but I also want to BELIEVE that things can get better. I NEED to believe something will help, and actually go right for a change.
What do y’all think? Could it be muscle instead of mets? It’s just been my lower back hurting for months, which leads to an increase my pain meds, which eventually stop working and we increase again. Round and round we go.
Please continue to pray for me. And let me know your opinions. Again, thanks dear sisters of stupid ass cancer - xoxo
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SheliaMarie, I’ve had something similar going on in my back by my upper right shoulder (right side of my body had had all the tumors so far..weird...anyways) and I was thinking progression as well. Just had scans today and the prelim report showed ‘unremarkable’. This got me thinking it could be inflammation! Many chemos & Immunotherapy cause inflammation so maybe that is what’s going on in your case. My shoulder had been aching for a few months now. Some days I can’t lift my arm. Inflammation around nerves and muscles can cause a lot of pain. Are you able to take turmeric or CBC oil? Both should help with inflammation, maybe pain and even some other SE’s. I’m hoping for both of us it’s something stupid to laugh off later. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.0 -
And I for you, parry. I’m hoping the CT will show whatever it is (to be honest, I’m hoping it’ll show no progression!). As for CBD oil, I haven’t tried it yet. I have been advised to try Rick Simpson oil, so I have a friend who is supposed to get some for me to try. I just want to find out what it is and get a handle on it so I can have a semblance of a normal life. It’s crazy to think but the first year of my MBC dx I had no pain, no issues. I felt like a fraud even belonging to stage 4 groups. Then out of the blue - BAM! No more guilty feelings here. Pain and misery have left little room for any other feelings...
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Regarding my irritation - my 20 year old daughter moved home today (and I’m so happy about this!), but I’ve had a crap week and she just never. stops. talking. so I finally ask her can’t she just “play her game and be quiet?!?” Obviously she’s offended, so not even a minute later I say “that came out wrong and I’m sorry” and she says “can you just leave me alone”? So I’m the one feeling guilty as usual. And I’m tired of feeling guilty. I shouldn’t have to be entertainment for my grown children, especially when I don’t feel good. But I shouldnt be an ass either. Ugh. Maybe I need a mini vacation for just myself.
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sheilamarie, I’m sorry the request wasn’t taken well by your daughter but I had to laugh. I am known by friends and coworkers for being very nice but also very blunt, it just comes out. Last Sunday, while watching the walking dead with friends, DH and his friend began debating something unrelated, so I paused the tv, then restarted it with the reminder that there is No Commentary. They got the point 😂
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SheliaMarie, my daughter moved out recently after moving back home at 24 and leaving just before she turned 26. I love her. I don't want her back! Some kids turn into eternal children around their parents. I find it a very difficult act to transition from parent of child to parent of adult. I am not doing a good job. But I am getting better. I am learning to SHUT UP. When I hear her blab off about something stupid in her life that could have been prevented with the simple application of 4 or 5 brain cells, I remind myself to just shut the hell up.
But you are battling an illness that takes all your energy and focus and resources and living with someone who does not read the clues or hints but acts as if you are an endless fountain of attention ... yeah, how do you deal with that? It is easy to tell you to not feel guilty, but you do anyway. I have no advice other than to sigh along with you because we love them and sometimes want to set them out at the curb with the recycling.
It's a shot in the dark, but when I get hip and back pain I know it's my feet. Terrible, terrible flat feet. Like a duck. And they make everything else out of whack. Have someone look at your feet. Sometimes corrective arch supports make all the difference. I hope and pray it's something as boring as that. Sending you strength and energy and super human listening skills!
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Mae - I promise I’m definitely the outspoken, blunt, some might say asshole, of the family! Can’t help it! As soon as anyone walks into the room where I’m watching something I immediately pause it and give them “the stare” until they quiet down. Poor people do nothing worse than walking in and I make them feel bad! I know, I know, I’m awful! My youngest daughter, kel, is just like me! Lol.
Runor - my daughter graduates college in a month and her lease is up October 31 so that’s why she’s moving home. The commute will be awful, but with holidays it’ll only be about 3-4 weeks. I truly am so happy she’s home. She’ll be getting married next year and as happy as I am for her, it’s gonna be hard knowing she won’t be coming home for overnights anymore. My daughters are amazing people; beautiful, so incredibly smart, and talented. And they are my very best friends in the world. This particular one, Caity, has the biggest heart of anyone you’d ever meet and she’d never be rude to me, which makes the guilt come on so much faster! She always spends her first hour or so at home with me chit chatting, but I’ve been in a horrible place this week with pain and attitude and I was just being an ass for no good reason. In all honesty if I had politely asked that we talk later because of (insert any reason), she would have completely respected my request and been quiet. She forgave me though. She knows I love her more than I can express and she tries real hard to understand that me being an ass is in no way a reflection of how I feel toward her, or really even her fault. It’s been a while since I bragged in one of my babies... and that felt good! Lol
Me and my besties last week...
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Good morning.
Micmel, I had tears in my eyes at your story and photo of your favorite nurse picking you as her favorite patient. What a touching story!
The bra you decorated looks awesome. I can understand your frustration with how the entries were displayed. The display itself seemed like it was competing for attention when it should showcase the creativity that went in to the bra designs. If it were me, I'd send a nicely written letter to the organization thanking them for the event and kindly adding that perhaps they could make some display changes next year so all the efforts put into the bra decorating can be more visible, both front and back. Really, how will they know without feedback?
Sheila, I once had some pain issues in right shoulder which ended up not being progression. Not sure what caused it and it took over a month to feel better. Taking 8 hour tylenol helped. I take a daily dose of antianxiety medicine, Buspar, and it helps take that snippy edge off of my interactions with family and loved ones. Mentioning it in case you want to consider something like that.
Things will even out with your 20 year old daughter. (Great photo, too.) That age is so tough because they want to be independent yet may still need to rely on parents and are trying to figure out how to grow up and move forward.
I've learned to preface assertive comments with “You mean the world to me and I love you dearly but" (.... could you please play your game quietly). (....could we talk later), etcetera.
It is okay to say, “You mean the world to me and I love you dearly but I’v had a time of it and need to recharge my batteries." Kids will really relate to the battery thing!
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Things are fine with me. We had to get our front porch floor, columns and railing replaced. The porch is 34 feet long and goes across the whole front of the house. We'd hoped to wait till next year to get it done, but even tho it still looked okay, unseen structural issues necessitated it be done before winter. I used to love home improvements but since mbc, they cause me a certain amount of stress and anxiety.
It took forever to find a contractor then weather put everything behind and now that its built the weather is impeding our attempts to get it painted. Part of the stress is in having an uncomplete project and landscaping and foundation touch up will have to wait till spring.
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Tanya, The article you posted is wonderful. It highlights your faith, positive attitude, and devotion, concern, and kindness to others. I admire your ability to handle so much while juggling all the demands that MBC has thrust upon you. I tend to focus on time with my family, depend on strength through my faith, but seem to spend too little time helping others. You are a good role model to those around you. Did you get your flu shot? I had mine two weeks ago when I saw my MO.
Micmel, I love the pumpkin. I would have been in tears if I had been you when you received that award. That is so special and touching. Next time you begin to feel down or alone, look at that pumpkin and remember what it stands for. You are a special woman who makes a difference in this world. I hope your sinus infection is getting better.
MJH, That apple crisp looks delicious. Warm apple crisp with a scoop of vanilla ice cream is my favorite fall dessert. It is such a comfort food for me. The apples are perfect at this time of the year, and their flavor is at its peak. My mother-in-law used to make apple brown betty that is very close to apple crisp. That was always good, too.
Parry, i like those paintings. If you run out of people to give them to, you can send one to me. I would certainly find someplace to hang it. The pumpkins are beautiful, too. I have no creative ability at all. Sad, but true.
Muddling, Your watercolor picture is beautiful. Did you paint often?
Sheila, You and your daughters are lovely. I have always found that I am toughest (meanest perhaps?) to the people closest to me. I have tried to figure out why. The only thing I can come up with is that I feel secure with them. I know that the words will be forgiven and the love and closeness will continue in spite of the fact that I sometimes fly off the handle. I don't feel good about it, of course, but my loved ones are usually open to forgiving me when I apologize.
Devine, It sounds like you have a big project going on. Weather is that great unknown that comes into play with outdoor projects. At least you will have the majority of work done before winter is upon you. The porch will be structurally sound, so you can relax about that part.
Lynne, I think you are due home today. I noticed that big hurricane brought bad weather to parts of Mexico last week. I hope you weren't in its path and that you had perfect weather, a perfect vacation, and a perfect anniversary celebration. You certainly picked a good time to leave NH - just as the cold weather arrived. Welcome home.
I hope everyone has a good and pain free weekend in spite of the bad weather some are experiencing. For those who have scans in the near future, I hope the results are good.
Hugs and prayers from, Lynne
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i love you ladies. Each and everyone of you. I am thankful for this thread. I’m thankful for all of you.
Lynne (50’s) you’re pretty awesome yourself.
You all are!
Much love ~M~
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Thanks, 50sgirl. It's good to see your post. I used to paint or do some craft all the time. Now that I have time to do more of it, I cant. Isn't that the way? How are you doing?
To any of you here going through a rough time, I'm thinking of you and hoping for a turnaround! Hello to all.
DH has gone to run in a 5K today and our neighbor who runs with him was unexpectedly able to go with him which is good as it's a long drive and can get boring. This fall DH has run a 10K and a few other 5K's. He's almost always in top two of his age group and often in top five overall.
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muddling~ That’s pretty darn awesome. I wish I could run again. I used to be like the wind on the elyptical. I miss feeling that feeedom of being healthy, feeling the endorphins of being at the top of your game. It rips my soul apart.
He is strong. That’s a wonderful thing for him to do. I wish him success once again.
Much love ~M~0 -
Divine~. I am so happy to see you lovely lady. I was very disappointed in the set up. But after all it was a fundraiser and I was giving back to that special recon doctor who put me back together as much as he was able. I have got to be thankful for that. It changed my new normal once again to at least looking normal on the outside. That is something to celebrate. The place was packed, Cancer had touched every person in that room, wether they had it or not. To be honest. I kinda felt out of place. Like It was a big celebration, but I was the only one who wasn't able to celebrate. Because of my black cloud over my head. It was so pretty and decorated and there were fuzzy boas and people dressed to the nines. An MC and a live band, which I am not in favor of at all. Cant turn down the volume as much.
I some how felt like I was there, but not really. It was almost as if I wasn't allowed celebrate anything. My heart and mind doesn't seem to want me to,, it realizes the end to this story already, and I could decorate a million bras, but it's not going to change my having stage four cancer. I look around at the happy shiny people smiling, and I can barely seem to find a good pair of pants to wear so I don't look like morbid disfigured weeble wobble trying to find a seat because I can't stand terribly long. It makes me realize how different I have become. It makes me never want to go to another event like that. It was right in my face, every turn of the head my cheek redder. Slap “I've survived “ everything, everywhere....slap slap... I don't have that option. So to me it was offensive and beautiful at the same time. Everyone means well, but no one wears a badge tag that bares your stage, only your name tag as you blend into the sea of pink. Without that special amazing nurse whom I truly adore as well. I would have left there crying, weak, feeling alone and isolated even though my sweet DH made the night about me and of course paid the ten bucks to vote for my bra. I just can't seem to shake this feeling of loss and grief. No matter what I try or do or don't do or say or don't say. Nothing takes it away. It's embedded and ingrained now inside of me and I don't know how to feel differently.
I feel Shelia's pain...in her prior post..oh and Shelia,, stunning picture of you three. It is a special thing seeing that. Let’s me know I’m not alone and my kids aren’t either ...it just never leaves. It's guts you all over again every single day! I just feel the steam escaping my engine. Everyday seeming weaker. In mind spirit and body. I don't like living this way.
I'm so sad and can't shake it. ~M~
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Sweet micmel, I’m so sorry you’re where you are lately. I think one contributing factor for both of us is that our inability to do normal things, things we always took for granted, exacerbates the emotional side of us. For example, do I want to clean the house? No, but I want to be able to. Do I want to sit uncomfortably through a business dinner? No, but I want the ability to do so. Ya know? Now I have to rest after taking a shower. I don’t even have hair to wash, and I’m so tired and weak when I get out. (My weight and the hot temperature of the shower doesn’t help, but still...)
Personally I’m going to request an increase in my Effexor next Tuesday when I see my onc. And i also intend to figure out what scan or test can tell me what is going on with my severe pain and get that scheduled. I’m tired of being ran by this stupid cancer. It’s definitely time I become more forceful about getting some semblance of normalcy back. And I know my onc will be on board. It’s just hard to remember how bad the bad days are when you feel okay the day of your appointment, which always seems to be the case with me. anyway, I hate that you’re hurting and that you’re sick.
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Shelia ~ ty honey. it helps to have partners in crime! I just had my Effexor upped to 150 from 75. Ever since I've done that. I've had darker thoughts and feel awful inside my own head. Sometimes questioning my ability to rationalize anything at all. It's definitely effecting me. I put a call into her. I'm waiting to hear what she thinks. It says if symptoms get worse call. Well I'm calling. Much love ~M~
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Micmel, that's a lovely story about your nurse. You must have made an impression on her, just like you do with all of us.
Sheilamarie, you have lovely daughters. I have 2 daughters also, who never came home after Uni. Now years later I would love to be back then when we had silly squabbles !! Now they are 40 and 37 and live far away from me, and our chats are FaceTime, what's app,etc which are wonderful, but not the same as a hug. Don't worry about the occasional cross word, it will all be forgotten.
I'm having awful nerve pain when I get up in the morning. It's ok for a few minutes, then the pain starts, and honestly reduces me to tears and moaning, which is not me. It lasts around 20 minutes, then eases, but my leg feels like it is hot, but it's not. Have taken extra pain med this week, that just gives constipation. What a week. Back to hospital this week, so can ask. Has anyone experienced anything like this?
Love to everyone xx
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