My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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Thanks for all your kinds words. I did go to my primary (well the PA) yesterday. They took my blood pressure laying down, standing, and sitting and tested my blood sugar. They were "normal". The PA said that I probably needed fluids and that's why my blood pressure dropped (and I should have gone to the ER right after it happened, so they could see how my blood pressure was and labs came out). He didn't think it was the metformin. He did give me a lower dose (1/2 of my \normal dose) of my blood pressure meds to take the week after chemo. He thinks the chemo is causing the problems (no kidding! LOL). I started back on my meds and am feeling a little better. I see the oncologist on Friday, and will give her an earfull of what happened. Thanks for all of your concern. Like I said, I'm leaving on that plane Sat morning, and am not thinking about cancer the entire week I'm gone!
Mel-12 years ago, when I was originally diagnosed stage1, the hospital where I had my radiation done, offered to do our advanced directive and POA for free. We took them up on it. My DH and I both did it and have copies. These past few months I also have paid for my cremation, bought out plot (next to my parents, it was still available even though my father passed 12 years ago), and will be looking at headstones. I want all this done, so my DH and 4 children do not have to do a thing when the time comes. I'm even going to write my obit. He'll just have to notify the funeral home, and church (no wake just a funeral), paper and cemetery. I told him to have a huge party afterwards with all our friends and family. I may even do that party before I go. I will call it "One Big Bash Before I Go". I felt like a weight was lifted off me by getting it done. I know it's hard. Hugs!
It was in the 30s here this morning, still no frost. We've had a warm fall so far. In the 60s today, 70s the rest of the week through the weekend and sunny everyday. Love it. Enjoy your day everyone, hope it's a great day for everyone! Love ya!
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Hi all, checking in... Met with the neurosurgeon today, which went well. She basically explained that the lesions are so small, that a couple of them could be mistaken for blood vessels, that they'd cause no symptoms for a while (the headache that got me the MRI was lucky), that I should have no side effects from the gamma knife procedure and that the risk of swelling is so low, steroids are not needed. All in all, it was good, we zap them and follow up.
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Falls! What is it with falls! Glad everybody is ok! I get really lightheaded every time I stand up and worry about it, but don’t know that there’s anything I can do about it. I think part of it is the meds. Thankfully I haven’t fallen but I know it’s got to be a real fear for all of us! Thinking of you all
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Lynne(Manchester)~ it was very difficult to do. I hate this cancer itruly honestly hate it more than I ever knew hatred was possible. I am glad you're going on that plane! You so much deserve to have a good time and celebrate that wonderful time with your sweet DH. This trip is something you need!! I can't stand how this disease is able to mimic a roller coaster.................... I got this.......this isn't so bad...........this medicine is horrible.........down again............omg the side effects are all over the place................up and down......up and down. I don't know about you all but I am sick of it all. I want nothing more for this trip to be everything and more you wanted. You sweet angel! Huge hugs. Keep feeling better for that plane ride. Rest all you can now !!!! Much love ~M~
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Mae~~💕I am so happy to see you here. I've been waiting to hear from you. You're an anchor here you know? All you ladies are. Each other anchors. I needed to hear you're ok, to me sounds like you're going to gamma the heck out of them and I can't wait!! Those suckers days are limited!!! Sounds like the conversation went well with the doctor. Which. Is so important for our mental ability to move with the path forward to get them gone! I know you're all always on my mind! Always, everyday! You have all become family. Thank you for let us know. So thankful you know what you have to do. Sending you much love and thoughts. ~M~
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Gracie~Hi sweetheart!!🤗🤗 yeah some falling going on. Mine was my doggie. I know big shock right! I am ok now. I have managed to get my kids awful cold so I have been sleeping all day long. DH taking good care of me. But I feel yucky. I hate already having all these meds to take. It's just so many. And to add more. Makes me so annoyed. I've had enough. It's been a year and ten months since de novo diagnosis, it's been felt and mentally stressing everyday. Now since the onc said no scans for six months. It's already freaking the late middle of October, November till be scanning again and I just don't want to do that at all like nada! Whoever invented, manifested, or named cancer needs to have it. I just don't understand with medicine so advanced. What the problem is. Some people are going to foreign countries now for treatments. It's boggling. Today is a sick day so I get annoyed at anything cancer. But I love you guys lots. ~M~
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........kinda how I am feeling with this nasty head cold lol rest well ladies. Goodnight. ~M~ 🌙0 -
supposed to have my grand puppy today but I am not feeling all that great! Fall cold has got me. I am on my week off and my counts are low I am sure. I am hoping that I won't get it as bad as my kids did. Ick! Lovely fall morning. Time to break out the morning jackets again. Old man winter isn't far away! Hope everyone is well and feeling good.
NKB~ you doing ok ? Haven't seen you!
Tanya~ hope all is well for you!! Hope things are calming down!
Mae~Thinking of you!
Claudia~ hope all is safe and fun!
Chicago ~. Haven't seen you in a while now. Hope you're good.
Much love ~M~
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Since I went and talked to anattorney, all of a sudden, all of my siblings are talking about it and nudging my mother to do hers. She has a lot of Elvis memorabilia that my brother wants. It's not something that I talk about with my mother like ever. Whatever she has are her things. I prepared My documents, because I don't want DS or DH to have to deal with anything, when that awful enough time comes along. It just shocked me to think people who don't even even pick up the phone for her, all Of a sudden now Are asking questions about items that have pretty good value. Some families can be just plain despicable!! I was so shocked when my mom was actually telling me , one of my estranged siblings wanted to "inventory"her collection and evaluate what she has. Excuse me what?? I haven't spoken to you, in years but you have some huge sized cahhhoooniieees to make that call!! Wow!!
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....... ahhh to be young again ! Hope all is well! ~M~0 -
Hello everyone,
I am awake at 4:30 a.m. due to the se’s of tamoxifen. Hot flashes that make me nauseous and a lot of vomiting. Yuck!🤢 I am NED on this stuff,so I don’t dare change tx. I have to take so much crap,just to feel somewhat normal. All in all,it’s worth it!
I have a ton of scans coming up. Breast MRI,hip and pelvic MRI as well as a brain MRI. Fun stuff! I had a little vacation at the hospital earlier this summer.During my stay,they did a brain scan to see if I had mets. I did not have Mets but they found what appears to be epilepsy. I’m hoping that it is just from my childhood.I have no seizures, but I’m still a little uneasy about it,because it looks like a form of epilepsy that can not be treated. Ugh! Always so much crap going in our lives. Wouldn’t it be great to just effing forget about this for a few days?
The weather here is so crazy! We had snow last week and it will be near 80 today. Going to grill hamburgers! My Dh loves to grill and smoke meats. My favorite thing in the whole world,are his smoked baby backs. Yummy😋
Mel- please stay in bed and rest as much as possible! Drink a ton of o.j. And water. I hope you are feeling good soon!
Lynn Manchester- I am on pills for hypertension also. I only take them every other day now,due to the same thing that you are dealing with. Ugh!
Mae- those little brain mets,messed with the wrong girl. You will kill them and scare them away forever! You go girl!
I want to get to know all of you better. I have been feeling very lonely for a friend lately. All but one of my friends,still speak to me. After dx,they all seemed so supportive,then they just disappeared. It hurts,but I don’t need them. I am all about family. My husband Patrick, is everything to me. Yes I have three daughters,but we have always put our relationship above everything. Because if Pat and I aren’t good,nothing would be. I have also set a very high standard for my daughters,they see him and I love each other everyday. They expect that from their men as well.
We are beginning to run into some trouble,concerning his accident and recovery. Denver is refusing to pay for his medical care. If they put him back on the street,before he is 100%,I will be one pissed off lady. I will sue the crap out of them!! We have a lawyer for this work comp crap. And also a personal injury lawyer. Beyond that, we have put it in the hands of God. There is no sense in getting all up tight about it. It is what it is. Worse case scenario, medical retirement...... He is only 44😠😡😤
We were only in our new house,for two weeks and one day,when this happened. Me with my bone mets,put everything in place,hung the pictures ect.... we have been unable to do any landscaping,due to his physical injuries and lack of money. Hard to make money,when you can’t work!! Now I’m ranting. Better stop,before I get all worked up. I am an avid gardener,so this was really a tough summer for me. We have almost three acres of buffalo grass. My SIL has nearly finished a backyard fence,but that is all. I am looking forward to spring,like never before.🌲🌳🌸🌺🌹🌷🥀🌻🌼💐
I should really try to get to sleep,now that I’m all drugged up and dry. Love to you all.
Chelle.
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Chelle~Good Morning beautiful!! I have had many many night like that. I just woke up and I am ready to go back to bed like right now. lol I never feel completely rested, most times I don't fall asleep until really late then I feel like crap the next day. I am getting my grand puppy today. I am so happy. He makes me happy everyday. It is the little things anymore that I have to cling to, to make me happy. Chelle, those idiots better pay up to your DH. That is his physical life and being. That's no joke, they send him back to work. Before he's ready. They are going to have some crazy newly haircolored stage four crazy biatch chasing them with the whiffle bat. Can't get into much trouble with those, but it really does hurt the knees lol.
I adore that you're here. I want nothing more than a daily friend as well. Someone who gets it everyday. Understands it's not negativity always. It is fear, anger, sadness,confusion, you name it. Dealing with it all is terrible. I am sick of feeling so much less of who I was. I want that person back. I miss her humor, her physical strength and how I used to look. I miss it all so much. I can relate to the scanning issues. I am set to scan up a storm on November 14, I believe. It will have been three months since my last blood work and 6 months since last scan. Why does it sound long, when you hear them say it, but then living it just poof up in 💨 days fly bye and each day I get more nervous. I am going to get my hair colored for the first time in almost two years. I am worried that because I'll do that, then he'll be like ok medicine change. See ya again hair. I don't think I can take that again. Aside from the fatigue. I do feel pretty great. The fatigue is he thing. Hangs over you like a dark shroud. I am. Not NED. But I am NAMD....... No active measurable disease. Which I'll take!! I just hope we can all continue to kick ass.
Hugs and love Mae ❤️ ~M~.
Hope you're not too tired today Chelle you midnight owl you!! Hello to everyone else. Much love to all. (Keetmom
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So the excitement this week here is my dad went in for a knee replacement and ended up having a heart attack after surgery, he is doing ok. But had 3 blockages so will need to have triple bypass surgery. He is in the hospital 2 hours away, I have talked to him on phone but am still at home waiting to find out when surgery will be. I have chemo next week, hopefully my foundation one testing is back......this week was full of appointments for the kids....
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Keetmom~I am sorry to hear about your fathers heart attack. I am all too familiar with those and my brother. Unfortunately. I do know that the doctors have a better chance of fixing and helping his heart. I will send more strength your way. You're an amazing woman. It must be hard to not be able to be with him. I know it well, when my mother had fallen earlier this year and was in and out of the hospital for months. She'll never be the same. It all started with Her knee replacement! Getting older sucks! I really was glad to read he was ok though. I know how I i had felt hearing about my brother. Especially, when you're in no position to be Jett setting off some place. With Emma and Delaney (spelling?) they need their Mama!! I am sending you huge hugs darling.
Much love to the family! ~M~
P.s. keep us posted!
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Chelle~ I just read your second posting again, your saying and poem. And it was very special. Just like you. I am so glad you're here. You're a precious addition! ❤️🤗 ~M~
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............and we will do it all together. Hang on to each other and fight like hell or fight like a girl. ❤️Ladies!0 -
Good afternoon all,
I read the posts daily in my e-mail on my phone and then run out of time to post. I apologize for that because I get so much from the sharing that you all do.
I'm grateful for all of the time you all take to post it definitely helps me get through my day.
I wrote a will several months ago in May after I found out that I was Stage IV but Micmel I never printed it out. I discussed it with my DH and I need to make some changes. My advance directive papers are on my dresser empty. I guess I'm waiting for a miracle. Your post made me at least look at it disdainfully.
My son is getting better thank God. I want him to heal and move on with his life go back home and be happy and not looking at his cancer patient mom.
Two friends took me to the mall for lunch to celebrate my scans and I really enjoyed going out walking around. We all window shopped and reminisced about the Fit 2 Run store where we picked up our shirts for the marathons which seem like that happened decades ago. The distance between health and sickness ....
My activity is based on how I feel each day with the constant of being tired.
I'm cranky and I take it all out on my DH and then apologize. I feel so bad that I do that.
I dream of nice places that we will visit and then dash my dreams with reality of health and finances. Claudia I pray you have a wonderful time. It's a blessing to get away and enjoy the pleasures of unexplored territory.
I'm supposed to get an xray of my hip to see how far the tumor is into my bone. My onc said in a week or two and I'll go with the 2ish bc all of these tests are hard. They all tell a story of our insides. I'm happy Keetmom that Emma doesn't have to get scans for 6 months. Fist pump on that one.
I'm gonna venture out for a walk today even if I just get to the corner.
Take Care All,
Much Love
Tanya
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Maybe someone here can help me...
Has anyone ever been told that xgeva injections can alterway your pet scan is read? My oncologist said that the pet would show progression, but only because of the xgeva shot. My CNS at work said this should not be the case and urges me to get a second opinion. Please advise!!
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Swess~ I had several XGeva shots over the past year and I have never been told or warned About the XGeva being a problem with any CT or PET scan. It wouldn't make much sense to even run any scan if xgevea would distort or alter the true results. That sounds confusing to me. I would call that oncologist back right away and ask for a more in depth explanation immediately! Sometimes when I am with my oncologist I don't remember half of what he says. If you have any concerns or questions. I would call immediately. That way you're not guessing and driving yourself stressed out if you can avoid it. Sending strength ~M~
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Mic- This is his second knee, the scary thing is we just heard from Doctor and we are lucky he is still alive, and they cant fix the heart until the knee heals...I feel so helpless they are 2 hours away...not a lot I can do..
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Tanya~ Hi darling! I am glad your son is getting better. I was hoping that was the case. Everyone has been going through so much lately doing ordinary tasks takes so much out of you. It's exhausting. Even waking up in the morning takes me some time. I can't just hop out of bed like good old ibrance Julie can on the Ibrance commercials. I crawl out and hear every bone in my body crackle and re align again. I totally get the fatigue part. Yuck it is horrible. Having to pace myself and I Am 47. I feel like punching something. We were all set to do something in October, but my DS work schedule has changed and took our dog sitters. So we have to figure something else out. I dream of all those places as well. You're not alone my friend!! Hugs ~M~
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Keetmom~I remembered thats how I felt when my brother had his heart attack. It's all so scary and shitty. When you come right to down to it. Life is already hard living when you're healthy. Throw all the other things that still have to be done on top of it. It's super crazy. I am sending you good thoughtsand strength, that he will get stronger and stronger everyday. Keep us posted please. 💕~M~
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Mae-praying all goes well!
Chelle-I too have the same problem of waking up in the early hours (no matter how early or late I go to bed). Especially, on the steroids I take before and after my chemo. I'm lucky to get 4 hrs sleep those 7 days. My husband goes to bed early (8pm, he's up at 4), and sometimes, I'm watching tv in our bedroom until 10 or 11. Two nights this week, he actually went downstairs to sleep on the couch. I felt bad, but I wasn't tired. Last night, I was nice and read a book instead. If we had a free bedroom (we still have 2 out of 4 adult children at home), I would go there, but we don't. Oh well. I'm sorry they found epilepsy.
keetmom-sorry to hear about your Dad. Hope he recovers quickly.
Tanya-I too take all my anger out on my husband. I think he's used to it by now. But I too feel bad about it. He's the type that let's it go in one ear and out the other though, thank God!
Micmel-As they say, "you can't choose family". Sorry that you are having trouble with your siblings. Your mother should do hers too, but I don't think all of her stuff needs to be inventoried. I agree, let her do what she wants, it's her stuff. I'm the executrix for my mother, and she's asked my 3 sisters and I what jewelry we want. She's already given some to my sisters. I told her I just wanted the stuff I gave her. Of course I noticed a ring on my sister's finger that I gave Mom. She wanted to give it to me, I said no. I guess I should get what I want for my daughters and granddaughter before she gives it all away. I don't need anymore jewelry for myself. My husband has bought a lot over the years. She'll be 80 in Dec. I did get her to get her funeral arrangements done when I did mine. She also as her directives done to
I recently got my medical marijuana card (I'm getting it for the pain. I hate the way the opiods make me feel). My husband got his caregiver card too. I've never tried marijuana. I've been to parties where there has been a lot of smoking, so technically, I've second hand smoked it. Today we go to the facility to get some. I'm going to get the tincture, oil, or edibles since I never have smoked (anything) and I have tumors in my lungs. I can't wait to see how much it costs. Insurance won't cover it.
I hope everyone is having a great day!
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........hi guys, today was my day with my grand puppy! I just love him so much. It makes me feel so happy. Something so sweet and soft and loving makes me happy, we walked twice around the pond and neighborhood. We wrestled, played with toys and water bottles , I got my kisses and he watched grand pup ma fall again. Nothing major all of a sudden it was like my ankles weren't even really functioning correctly it was like a rolling. Un supportive bone, I don't understand the whole concept all of a sudden I just didn't have control of my ankles.. anyone else ever feel like this ? Hugs ~M~
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Micmel, what are you feeding that puppy? He had gotten huge! With me, its my knees. I don't get it.
I miss talking to you guys! But we are having fun! BigB fell with me on him yesterday. Scared me. I got smacked inn the face by his neck...ouch! Put ice on it, so people wouldn't think Dh hit me! The riding here has been challenging, which we love. The weather has been perfect!
Holding you close in prayer,
Claudia
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Claudia~So happy to see you and know that you're enjoying yourself. I am also more than thrilled that you weren't hurt. My goodness that's really scary stuff. I have broken my arm falling off a horse. I am just thankful you're having great weather. I am in awe that you are even able to do this at all. Enjoy every single second.
Chief has more than doubled since they got him. I have seen him every week, we have our play date. He wanted to run like the wind. I jogged with him until I couldn't anymore. But he was ready to go. I could tell he was tired when he left because while we were waiting for DS to get the van ready to take him back,he leaned up against my back as we sat on the ground together, and he leaned on me and fell asleep. I adore this dog. I miss you around too. But am very happy you're having a good time. Continue to be safe. Take care of that shiner. Safe travels to you and your DH. Much love ~M~
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Ok, like I feel like a freaking zombie today. It's 11:04 and I am just fully waking up I fed the dogs at 7:00 am and went back to sleep. I am yawning and exhausted like I didn't just sleep for over 10 hours. Which I did. Shouldn't I feel awake at all? I mean seriously this shit sucks. I am so sick of feeling like this feeble woman, when in high school And after high school, and up and until 2016 I was as strong as an ox. Now I am weak. I did take Chief for two walks yesterday, And he wanted to jog. So we did. For a little while. I know that May have something a bit to do with it. I used to run 6 miles in an hour. Now I can barely walk down a curb without stumbling and feeling like I am going to fall over. It's shatters who I once was. Shatters who I am. I was never this feeble person ever. I don't even really know who I am now even.
It's so depressing, this morning I am feeling a little strange upper GI issues, nothing I have felt very much before if ever actually it's freaking me out a little. Some days I am so good, And others just a plain mess. Living with cancer is so hard. So depressing and a daily struggle. One none of us signed up for. How does anyone of us get up everyday like this?. And live with worry and fear and physical deterioration. How can one part of someone be so strongly invested infighting this thing , and then the other half just someday' wants it to be over. Such a torn way to feel. Now I need to pop so many pills, even to have any interest or strength to even get up to do anything. Even that is limited. My soul has been ripped out of my person every day, since I was diagnosed! I'll never get it back. So sad. Hope everyone is ok. Mae~ you're on my mind as you always all.
Much love you all of you ~M~
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Went today for the first time to get my hair colored since it's grown back from heavy horrible AC & abraxane chemo. It's a friend of mine so she does it out of her house. There weren't too many people there, I knew that the cancer talk would start eventually, certainly not meant any other way, than concern. But the "oh so how are you, are you done treatment yet? ". I had to say the same thing I always say. "No I'll never be done treatment ever". That always stops the conversation in its tracks. But I am glad I got my hair colored. It looks less gray and older. One thing at a time. My next doctor visit may be a reconstruction surgeon. I am sick of not feeling whole. I need to feel like I can do something. I am not sure though. Don't want to awaken the beast lymphedema!!
Hope everyone is ok. Much love ~M~
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Getting pretty is always great therapy! Some days I put on makeup and fix my hair,just so I can stand to see myself!!
I hope and pray everyone stays on their feet this weekend. No more falls!!
Love to all! Chell
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