My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
Comments
-
Chelle~Been the first time in a year and ten months since I've even had enough hair to color, it was a big deal to me. I think losing my hair was worse than finding out I had cancer. I was like Linus with a blanket. I was beyond devastated. Still am really. So much wish we could travel back and somehow head off something that would have prevented it from happening. I'll even take a scare, but please not the big c and loosing all my hair. Even my hair dresser said today. "No you don't understand her hair was beyond half way down her back" so she knew it was a HUGE deal for me. It's a little darker than I am used to but it doesn't make me feel like an old lady anymore.
I hope you sweet ladies have something done or have someone do something nice for you this weekend. Tomorrow is my DD birthday. So we are going to lunch and shopping. She will be 22. Time flys. Much love ~M~
0 -
Hi all, I completed the gamma knife this morning and am feeling good. I hated the metal frame and numbness meds injection, I cried and cussed a lot. I have another brain MRI next month to see how everything is healing.
0 -
Mae~you are so amazing to even take a pic of that. I felt like I was crying right along with you. I thought about you all day. I am sorry you hated the metal contrs
0 -
Mae~ You're amazing and so strong. I am astonished that you could even take a picture of that. I don't know if I could do that. I don't think I am strong enough. I am sorry you hate it, I'm sorry that you have to even deal with that shit. Everyday I hate cancer more. You're such a strong person. Thank you for even taking the time to check in with us. I am glad that you're doing well!! I can't tell you how odd It is too care for people so much, and worry for them and you haven't even met them Officially. But I can honestly say I do worry about us all, falling, having to have that numbing stuff Mae hates. I felt like I was right there crying with you Mae. I am glad that is behind you. I hope you're able to rest well and I am sending thoughts of strength to you.. much love ~M~
0 -
Went to the oncologist this morning. White cells were fine. One less thing to worry about on vacation. I'll wear my mask still, at the airports and on the plane. Probably worry the heck out everyone. Oh well. Better safe than sorry. Chemo when I get back. I'm actually getting it on Halloween. I'll still walk around with the grandkids (I may take the wheelchair, just in case, it's coming with me on vacation in the early am).
I'm glad you got out and did something just for you,micmel! I do hate when people ask how long you are going to be on chemo. I tell them the same thing you tell them.
Hope everyone has a great week and is doing well. I'll check on here when I get back.
Lynne
0 -
Sorry, Mae! I hope you're feeling better, and I pray that it works! Hugs!
Lynne
0 -
Lynne~I am so pleased that you are cleared and ready to go. That's is so very exciting!! I honestly hope that you feel good and are able to enjoy every single second of every day. You and DH deserve it. One week with no. Cancer. I am so happy for you. I have to get used To my hair, I'm just trying to grow it out so , I guess its a waiting game, not just to Figure out what color I want back, but hope and pray that I can continue stable to where I don't have to hear those words again. "You're going to loose your hair." I may just elbow them in the throat at that point. You be safe, we will hold down the fort here until you're back. Have fun darling! Make those memories!! Happy anniversary!!Much love ~M~
0 -
insomnia kicking in, have no idea why but here it is. No naps today. Nada. Sometimes my eyes just pop open and then I have to count the ole sheep in my mind. My DD has her 22 bday tomorrow (well today) and we have some shopping and things to do. Maybe I'll take a sharpie and draw eyes over my lids, so everyone thinks I am awake, in the stores lol yikes ! I'm off to try to sleep.
Chelle~ you're usually awake. Help!
Hugs to all.
Chicago~ still waiting! Hope you're ok darling!
Nan~ still loving !
NKB~ missing your knowledge.
Hope you're sleeping Keetmom, thinking about your dad! Much love everyone ~M~
0 -
Hey girl! Yep,I’m up.... usual night sweats. I always take a body shower and change my gown. No other way to clean up. I’m literally soaked! Changing the bed sheets as soon as dh wakes up!
I also have a 22yr.old dd. She is on her own and doing well. It took time for this one to grow. They are all different! She has held a job and worked hard since she was sixteen. The growing pains for this one were different than my other grown dd. Just take child rearing,one day at a time..... like everything else.
Mae-what a living nightmare! But you made it! Those little buggers are fried!!!
Claudia-no falling. That goes for big b too.
Lynn-have a great week in Jamaica! One of my all time favorite places!! And congrats to you and dh!
Love to all Chelle.
0 -
Lynne is probably on her way to Jamaica right now. Lynne, have a great time. Relax, have fun, eat whatever you want, take lots of pictures. Happy anniversary.
Mae, I am sure that many people wearing that mask and receiving those numbing injections shed tears and let out some whopping profanities. I think it is completely understandable. I hope you are feeling okay.
Micmel, Are you feeling better?
Chelle, How is your DH doing? I don't understand why the police department is not stepping right up to pay his medical expenses. Even if the think that the person who caused the injuries is responsible for paying, I would expect the department to pay then go after the other guy or his insurance company for reimbursement. You and your DH should not have everything hanging over your heads. You have been through enough. I am sorry that you have to be concerned with lawsuits and all that. I pray for your dh's continued recovery.
It is interesting that so many of us are awake in the middle of the night. My DH tells me that I worry too much and do too much thinking in the middle of the night. He could be right. I keep my iPad on the nightstand, set for night-reading. I seem to do most of my reading at 2 or 3 a.m. It helps me relax and get back to sleep. I also write sometimes, just random thoughts or things I would like my DH to read when I am gone. I reread some of my poems the other day. Wow, many of them are quite dark and depressing. I was surprised by my own words because I am a pretty optimistic person who tries to think and act positively. Maybe by putting all my dark thoughts into my writings, my mind is better able to face things head on without bringing everyone down. Who knows!
Enjoy your weekend everyone.
Hugs and prayers from, Lynne
0 -
Lynne~(50's) I cannot believe how I felt when I read the end of your posting. I write things for my family weekly, for when I am not here. I also described some of the ways I was feeling very dark. I am so sorry that you or anyone else for that matter would ever have to feel That way over something we cannot control or have done nothing to receive the worst thing in the world. You're certainly not alone by any means. My eyes literally snap open for no reason and there I am awake. Last night. Same thing, and as you pointed out. Chelle was also awake. No wonder I feel like crap all day the next day. I need to put a 1030 bed time rule Into effect for myself ! Unreal the things we go through.
Chelle~ I used to have the worst heat flashes and night sweats EVER!! I had to carry around with me a hand towel, because I would self combust. It was embarrassing, and I didn't want to go out in public. I woke up twice a night sometimes and had to change my entire clothing, into fresh dry clothes. It was awful. I talked to my oncologist and palliative care doctor about it. They agreed and put me on Effexor 32.5 milligrams once a day to start. Almost immediately they dropped to less than half of what I had before. They moved me up to 75 milligrams a day and I have maybe had one heat flash a day. It is a godsend. I am thrilled beyond thrilled it worked. It is an antidepressant, which I needed anyway. But I have never been so relieved to not have those horrible flashes anymore.
Lynne(Manchester)~ on the plane ✈️ to Jamaica! Happy anniversary, make some wonderful Memories.
Much love to all!! ~M~
0 -
........ I love cake. I have lately really been into Twix bars. Although I know I shouldn't have chocolate, but it's the only thing that tastes good on my tongue that feels burned constantly from the ibrance, but I am hoping and hoping the ibrance will keep working, I am starting my 12th month tomorrow! 😕. Having some tummy aches and pains. Just doesn't feel good. Been battling some kind of bug all week ,now that I think about it. One more month, then onto scan land. 💥 scanxiety instantly! Have a good Saturday ladies!
~M~
Thinking of you Mae!
0 -
Hi all, I saw her yesterday! The woman I used to be! She rode 6 hours, yes 6, through some pretty rugged terrain! Then still had the energy to rinse horses, feed them and get together dinner for us! Oh I have missed her. Still doing great today! Thrilled and terrified asset the same time! Is this the good times before the storm? But I am trying to just enjoy what I have now. Not thinking about the progression. No point till we see scans.
Mae, OMG! That is worse than the mask I had to wear for rads to face! I thought that was shear torture! You rock woman!
Everyone else, I will catch up with when we get back to the land of cell service Weds.
Hugs and prayers
Claudia
0 -
Claudia~so wonderful to see your beautiful self here today and I am very pleased to hear that you have been tearing it up!!! Those are some lucky horses. Sounds like you're doing great and that makes me so happy. You deserve so much to have this fun time. Make some great memories , be safe and remember, you're very missed!! Much love ~M~
0 -
Funny pic and interesting because DH just made a cake and I added strawberries and cream.
I'm doing well, no pain, just some mild discomfort at the pin sites, ibuprofen works. DH and I actually went out last night to see a friends band play just 4 hours after being released from the hospital and stayed out until the show was over and the bar closed, we had lots of fun though!
I mostly took it easy today, just some errands. Tomorrow is cleaning day and we're doing an early Thanksgiving since DH will be on tour next month.
0 -
Mae~I am very pleased you're not experiencing pain and are actually still doing more than I am lol. I did jog with Chief yesterday. Around the block once. 92 homes and a pond. I never asked you before about what your DH goes on tour for ? Sounds interesting. Will you go with him ? Can I have some of that cake please? I am on my last Twix bar.ugh!
Today was my DD 22 year old bday! We had initial plans to shop and have lunch, honestly I was ok with her just doing whatever she wanted to do with her day. It was lovely outside. So she spent it with her gf and bf. and tonight they borrowed my van and her bf is the Designated Driver, so everyone is safe. We will do our shopping tomorrow and do our mother and daughter time. She wants clothing. No shock there, she needs fall shoes. I cannot believe how expensive freaking shoes are these days. Good grief. Hope everyone sleeps tonight. I don't think I'm doing very well so far. Lol.
Big hugs gn ~M~
Chicago? You ok? Ihope all is well
NKB you too. Hope all is well!
Waving hi to Tanya
Lynne1960~ hope all is ok for you too !
0 -
Micmel, DH drives a tour bus for rock bands. Concert tours nationwide usually last 1 to 2 1/2 months, he's home in between and Dec-Feb. his next tour ends just before our 17th anniversary in L.A. and since we never spend it apart, I'll fly out and we'll have a mini vacation bringing the bus back.
0 -
Mae~ that is pretty awesome. I am thrilled you're going to LA for your aniversary! That's really going to be special. That's a long stretch driving. For when he is out on tour. I hope he's not driving around in snow or anything like that.
You're all making me want to go and travel. DH and I said we maybe would re schedule octobers trip to a place in Lancaster, it's a mansion bed and breakfast, it's my absolute favorite place. I remember when my DS was young he always wondered why they never got to go with us. So I told him that they didn't have televisions in the room and he looked at me like ......0 -
...... then why on earth would you want to go there mom??? He says to me shaking his head and walks away lol. It is a classic holiday dinner topic now that he's older. But it was so very funny. He was like. "What do you do????" So funny. Hugs to everyone. ~M~
0 -
Mae- what an awesome job! I have always been a huge fan of music! I would have been a great dead head!
Mel- hang in there! You will have better days ahead. The darkest thoughts will diminish in time. Living with cancer is an odd position. We all thought that if we are stage IV,that we would be gone in a few months. Yet,we aren’t. We are living our lives as mere shadows of the women we used to be. But,we can still thrive. We can still speak,run a household,Dr,the kids when they are sick,clean the house,do the laundry,cook dinner...... we may not be happy,living as less than we were before tx. Our dh’s and our children are just happy that we woke up today!! The old Chelle be damned! Love is all that matters! I believe that our love for our families has survived dx and grown stronger as we navigate our new normals together.
Lynn Manchester- Hope you are having a great time!
Lynn Bedford- we have a lawyer that will make sure the city pays!! They are trying to medically retire him. I never thought that he would be a victim of this police hate,but he is,and will never be the same. I don’t care if he ever puts on that uniform again!! It’s no longer an occupation that I want him in. He has been doing this job,with his hands tied behind his back for years!Not safe! I want him out of law enforcement all together. He still feels like he is letting the citizens down. He really loved his job. Helping others at their worst of times. He is great at it. But it’s just too scary anymore. I’m just praying about this. Putting it all in Gods hands.
P.s. since I have known that you are in Bedford, I have been picturing you in jimmy stewarts bedford falls!! Haha! Almost time to watch that one again!
Claudia- you go girl! And hope there is no soreness from the fall on bigb!
Love to everyone! Have a fantastic Sunday
Chelle
0 -
Chelle~ hello gorgeous! I slept again until like 1100. I have a serious insomnia problem ladies. I wake up a lot to go the the bathroom and Wham. I am awake. I feed the dogs and I head dive into my bed again already sleeping before my head hits the pillow! I need a better schedule. Ugh!!! This fatigue could sink a ship. Like how the hell Is anyone supposed to live like this ? I hate this disease beyond imagination. I feel so terribly bad for everyone who deals with this crappie disease. Everyday, we never can run from it. Never!!maybe that is why I enjoy sleep so much. I'm a genius. Lol not !!
Much love guys ! ~M~
0 -
Why are some days easier than others. Why is having cancer a living daily hell? It doesn't even have to be physical pain that makes it the hardest to go through. But we all still know how hard it is all the same. The emotional hell I live in everyday feels like some sort of punishment, or like I am the center of one experiment of tolerance and some big dude is poking me with a stick to see how much someone can take. I realize I am doing well. I get it. Physically it's hard too. But my issue is emotional, the heartbreaking torment of worry that is endless and real. I don't want to leave my DH, and why should I have too? I've done nothing wrong. There are so many people who are forced to live with this cloud over their heads, I love my DH more than I could even begin to try to explain. Words just wouldn't suit it, not one bit. That is why the fear is so paralyzingly strong and I can never imagine a time or day, where I don't get to hear his voice , or see his smile. That's my person. My soul. Why does this happen to us ? I don't think this is one thing I'll ever accept or ever get used to! Tomorrow is Monday!! Already almost done October. Screw Christmas. Unless it can bring my breast and all of our health back to us. I don't really want to pretend any fa la la la la la la! It is all just enough to open our eyes sometimes. Hope you're all well! ~M~
0 -
L.A. is not terribly exciting for us since we both grew up in Southern California but the travel itself is the treat. We'll stop a visit with my family for a few hours and some friends out in the desert, then we'll make our way to the Grand Canyon before heading southeast forwards Texas.
Today I swept, mopped, vacuumed, washed 5 loads of laundry (clothes and couch cushion covers/pillows) and washed the dog. I'm handling the mashed potatoes, green bean casserole and rolls, DH made stuffing and is cooking the turkey.
So excited for the Walking Dead premier but got to get back in the kitchen for now.
0 -
😳 Mae~like I said. You continue to amaze me. Sounds like American Horror is on for tonight. I still have last weeks to watch. I don't like not having one on tap to watch! Usually the seasons run what 10 episodes a season?. I can't believe all you did today. You're something else. You are one strong woman. Enjoy your time and celebration! I Am sure you'll be sleeping pretty good tonight. have a good time! Much love ~M~ Making me want my turkey dinner!! Lol
P.s. Never saw the walking dead before!!
0 -
......sometimes this is how I feel. Lol so much to manage and deal with. Good night ladies. Much love ~M~!I am hoping I can sleep tonight. Hasn't been good two night in a row. Started my 12th round of ibrance tonight, hope all the goofy side effects goaway again! I hate you cancer. Which that was YOUR last selfie!
~M~
0 -
Lynne(Manchester)~ I hope you and your DH are relaxing with an umbrella drink in your hands and smiles on your faces. Just want you to have a great time. Thinking of you guys!
Goodnight! Chelle,Lynne's, sweet Mae, Tanya,Chicago,Gracie, Nan, Claudia our traveler,NKB,Keetmom,haven't seen Scwilly either hope everyone is ok!!!
~M~
0 -
no insomnia last night, I am thrilled beyond thrilled. I feel semi awake and I don't think I am going back to bed today! I am starting to think that my week off of ibrance is the total bust!!! I started round 12 last night and slept pretty good. I'm going to hopefully get my grandpuppy today. While my son does the yard work. And we sit and watch lol. I wish there was a way that we could all meet and be together at some point. I need good friends in my life. That understand! Much love ~M~
0 -
Good morning Micmel! Glad to hear that you got some good sleep last night. It really does make a huge difference in how we feel. I am struggling myself... Wide awake every morning between 4-5 am. Cannot go back to sleep. Then exhausted by 11am. I guess all of those years of getting up at 4:30 am for work are sticking with me. Very frustrating. I know I don't post much but I read every day. Been going through a rough couple weeks with fatigue and just totally freaking out to think that this is what my life is now. Filling out tons of paperwork to transition to long term disability. So NOT how I wanted to end my career.
0 -
Lynn~Honey you're not alone in feeling that way, you're honestly not. That is a big reason I am always blathering here, I have to get it outsome place or I think my head would explode. I am facing some scans in November. I honestly couldn't be bothered. Who the hell wants to know anything about that??? I know about the paralyzingly exhausted feeling even after just waking up. I may sound like a broken record but I am always here. I feel like a little chatterbox sometimes. But if one person laughs, or can say "yeah, that's exactly how I feel" it's worth it !! It's a fine straight line between living and being forced to live a certain way. That's my issue. Processing who I used to be, & can't do, what I used to do. I am right here with you. I know how you feel. I did the living will and advanced directive last Monday. It was surreal to say the least. Got it in the mail yesterday, even more surreal!! Living with cancer is just unexplainable. Beyond words. But I understand. Wrapping you in a big bear hug!! Much love ~M~
0 -
Thinking of Lynne, in Jamaica🍹🍹🍹🍹🍹🍾🍾🍾 Happy Aniversary enjoy every moment. (I am so thoroughly jealous). Much love ~M
0
