My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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Mae, that is awful news about your friend. I am sorry to hear it.
Hi to all. I read all the time and try to keep up with everything. I cry or cheer.
Micmel, tried to send you a pm and was not able to. THinking of you and hoping you get rested up soon. Chronic tired is not good. Hugs and peace to all.
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Mae my condolences about your friend. 40 is too young!!! 😢 F cancer!!!
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illimae, I am very sorry about your friend.
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Hi All,
Have been super busy getting ready for our move next week to our permanent residence. It’s exhausting but exciting.
Have been reading a lot and trying to catch up with all of you.
Mel, my sweet friend, I also hope you rest up and take care. We all need you, our Mother hen!
Mae, so very sorry about your friend. My prayers for peace are heading your way.
Ladies, when I read about your trials with losing a breast(s), and what you have been through, I am stunned by your resilience and your strength. I did not lose a breast, but my younger sister did. I have new-found respect for her and for all of you who had to endure such an awful thing. I had a lumpectomy and then found the progression to my bones 4 years later, so I did not have to endure what you have been through. I hope you all know how incredibly strong you are!
I have a PET scan scheduled on Monday....am pretty sure a med change is coming. I have a lot of pain in my lower back and behind my shoulders. That usually signals progression. But we will see....
My love to all
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Mae~Honey~ I am honestly so very sorry. I don’t even have words. I wish that I could even create a new curse word for cancer only. It makes me so mad, someone that young. I’m so sorry. These losses are so hard, it just isn’t fair. Hugging you!
Runor~ I don’t know why. I sent you one testing you. It worked fine for me. But as you can see i clearly cannot spell.
Waving hello and good morning to mara and Philly.
Philly lets arrange to meet! I would love to see a sister!
Again Mae. I’m so sorry. Wtf is going on? In this land we live ??
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BooBoo~Hi darling. I'm trying. Ibrance is exhausting for sure. Up and down and up and down. I put too much sugar in my coffee today. Ick. Gonna have to have another now. To balance it out. Much love ! I have thought several times aches and pains remain. I always instantly think progression. But these medicines are vicious!!
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Good morning everyone! I am trying to catch up, there were a lot of posts yesterday.
Mea, I am sorry for your loss. Cancer sucks. It takes lives way too soon.
Micmel,
Hoping you feel better today. Coffee is a good way to start the day.
Booboo, I hope your new aches and pains are just SEs and you have a good scan Monday.
We are off on vacation today. Going to Monument Valley and Arches National park in Utah. Then make our way to Estes Park, Co to meet up with my brother and sisters. I am looking forward to seeing them. We are all so spread out across the US and only see some of them once a year.
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Morning all. Today I am going grocery shopping- woohoo. But out of the house at least. I received another text from my guy friend at the car show. Another full day for him today. He was out the hotel door at 7am and probably will not get back to hotel until 7-8pm tonight. He is my age. He must feel waaaayyyy better than I do. I do wish the best for him and that he would have an enjoyable day with his car buddies, but I am also envious of him. The stamina. The excitement. I don't enjoy the car stuff, but if I did I could not handle a day like he has planned for today. AND WE ARE THE SAME AGE. Oh well.
Moomala- Your post touched me. And Yeah eating all the veges and "looking well". HaHaHaHaHaHaHa. Bunch of crap.
illimae- So sorry for your loss. 40 years old. Way to young. Damnit.
Boo- Praying for your PET on Monday. Kick cancers butt!!!!!!
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Simone ~Hello beautiful and good morning to you lovely lady. Have an outstanding time with your family. After all it’s why we fight this viscous evil Effin biatch. Smile at the sun for me please . Hug that family tightly.... enjoy every second. You traveling ladies are amazing !
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Giddyup Girl - Storm sounds like a beautiful animal and friend! My sister had a horse on her farm until she could no longer ride thanks to severe arthritis in her hip. So they just lived together as best friends for many years until he passed away. His name was Siddhartha. After he died, her barn collapsed. She was standing in the driveway talking with a neighbor and a giant creak sounded. They turned around and kaboom the entire roof caved in. She can't afford the demo on the barn and although lots of people would like the barn wood, most outfits don't want to pay for it - the demo is astronomical like 40K. So, it sits.
I remembered that yesterday when I was at the psychologist I said that my piano and my music makes me feel things. And the psych just looked at me with a face that said "yes exactly my dear and you need to feel things". He was right. I'm using Facebook as a way to avoid feeling things. I have a good-sized Facebook problem this summer. My mobility is so much better now, but for awhile there I was needing to sit down and rest my back throughout the day. It was easiest rather than sit here and read a book or do my needlework or painting or writing, which are all things I wanted to be doing, I was Facebooking. I just spent eight weeks doing a whole lot of that. I did a lot of other things like going out with friends and such but I did not cultivate things I wanted to do. So first is to get my butt off facebook every 20-30 minutes and do something else. And then find a way to use social media more productively because I do utilize it for my piano studio and to keep in touch with family.
Mae I am so sorry about your friend. So much loss this summer for so many. F cancer seriously
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Micmel I just PM’ed you hug
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Philly. My sister was DX with stage 0 BC. She had a double TRAM Flap and NO other TX. No anti estrogens, AI's, radiation, Nothing. That was in 2012. She's doing great. Doesn't even have to do mammograms or follow up appt. She's the first person I've ever known with stage 0. I hope this is how your BFF TX can go. I wish her well. My sister was 60 when she got her DX. In my opinion, it's the best of all BC DX anyone can have.
I got my blood transfusion on Thursday. By Friday, I felt like a new woman. I cleaned house, washed cloths, worked in the garden, went shopping ($130), that's a lot at Ross, ran other errands, Still had energy when I got home. So, my new recommendation for all of you is simple.......get a blood transfusion.......you will transform Into Wonder Woman.
Of course the reason I needed it is because of my stupid cancer. Antineoplastic Anemia. Not, fun. Oh how I wish I wasn't in this predicament. But, we are. Reality.
I also had a blood culture on Thursday. My IR is worried about my shunt infection in one of my incisions. Pray he doesn't find any germs in the culture or I will have another trauma.... surgery to replace the infected port. UGH. That all I need. Good news the incision looks better since he drew the blood out of it. Today is the third day, they watch it grow for seven days.
More good news. I didn't have the horrible lower back pain on days 2 and 3 like I did with the first two infusions. Why? Who knows but I hope this is my new normal for post infusion. I get my next one next Tuesday.💞
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Philly~ Yipee! Got the message ! Yay and thank you!
Moomala~I grew up with my own horse fanci. She was a little stinker and didn’t ride very well. She wasn’t broken in correctly, so she just wasn’t mostly a pasture horse, but she sure was beautiful. I used to kinda be afraid of her strength, we also had another qtr horse sugar who was older and passed slightly close to when fanci was born. Play that Piano. Play it for you and for us! Hug
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Grannax- Glad the transfusion made you Wonder Woman !!!! Enjoy the high. Sorry for the infected Port. Praying you won't have to have it removed. Are you on antibiotics?
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Mel, Candy and Simone,
Thanks. Need you all in my pocket on Monday. Thank you for caring. What would we do without each other? You are all special, wonderful women. I try not to let MBC get to me, but some days it’s easier than others. Hoping it is just aches and pains from arthritis
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I promise I'll be on heavy pocket duty my love! It brings me down everyday sweetness! I just cried in his arms again. Wondering why this shit ball ever opened up all over us
Grannax~Have any of that magic potion to share? You so deserve that energy you spoke of. Shopping at Ross? 😮😮 you go girl ! Loving that!
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Mae, sorry to hear about your friend. Sincere condolences.
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Mae, I'm sorry your friend is gone due to this disease.
Moomala, play your piano. Even one song. I used to play but now my right hand does not work..I also used to crochet, paint in water colors, cross stitch, write, drive a car, feed myself as an adult would hold a fork....now can do none of it. I'd love to play one song on my piano every time I walk by it.
DIvine, I'm so glad your DH got the job!
I read and think of you all through the good and bad.
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Minnie~ hi sweetheart, how is your hip? I hope you're doing well. I wish I could give you a hug!
Mae~sending you my heartfelt sadness. 😢 effin never gets easier.
Muddling~I am the same way with the things I've been able to do. Like wear normal clothing or beautiful dresses because my stupid lymphadeama elephant arm. If I don't wear the compression sleeve it hurts.
I don't know why I am just not able to accept that I have cancer at all. I seriously still sit and can't believe that this has even happened. Sometimes I definitely hate music, I watched mama Mia number II, one of the songs that has always made me think of my sweet beautiful DD, is dancing queen from ABBA. It started to play and I froze with tears. Hours of dancing with her to that song. Spinning her around. Singing to her. Watching her smile and hearing that child laughter. My heart feltsevere anger and pain, I could have screamed for an hour. Then at the end of the movie Meryl Streep is in spirit at her grandchild's christening, watching over and singing a beautiful song to her daughter and grand child. All I could do to even breathe was hold my Breath until I HAD to breathe. It hit me. My god, will I ever see a grand child, do I even want to? In this awful
World. How long do I really have ? I mentally suffer everyday with fear of loss and more grief, I am drawn like a moth to a light here with you ladies, because I need to feel like I belong again. My poor DH, we talked today and it was so difficult to see the pain in his eyes, I know he worries, I also know he's just as exhausted as I am. If not even more. He doesn't deserve this in his life. He's a good man.
I hate it that cancer prevents so much for us all. Piano playing, trips we all want to take but realize, uh maybe not. Talking to someone who is healthy who speaks of how beautiful the river was when they went kayaking last week. Or the beach and the heat I can no longer tolerate like at all. I am realizing more and more this cancer has stolen who I am, it's stolen, my Spark, my zest for belief in being happy, my trust in growing old with my love of my Life DH. The daily fear replaces, and what we had, shared and cherished is changed and we didn't ask for any of it.
I guess the phrase “if you want to hear god laugh tell him your plans". May ring true. If their even is one. Sometimes I can't fathom all this terrible cancer around. That a good loving god would allow good women and men and children to suffer. Like NO!!! Enough damn it.
The really difficult thing for me also is, my markers and blood work and scans are great. I have been Nead for 3 years and 8 months. They say I'm a wonder. Well guess what doctors, you chumps. I feel like a big hairy ass! Sorry ladies. To be so blunt but damn. This is getting harder each day to swallow a chemo pill I already know without a doubt is going to make me feel like absolutely shit. But I open my
Mouth and swallow knowing what can of whoop ass is a comin! 💊 👿😤🤕☠️😷😵🙈🤱🏼⚡️💨🌪🔥☄️🌫. How does one continue on. Knowing this ? Daily. ? Exhaustion terrible.
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Thank you ladies for understanding why I am grieving my ovaries coming out. It's a big thing. Sure, its to stop my cancer from growing but it causes much deeper feelings too. My experience with Stage 4 which isn't much longer than about 4 months now feels like my cancer/body is resisting intervention. Didn't respond well to AC-T chemo in my earlier stage and in fact we found during Rads planning my cancer was GROWING on the stuff...bones mets all over..Ugh...Then Ovarian suppression didn't want to cooperate like we needed it too even tho apparently most women can chemically shutdown. Now ovaries need out, I stare at the Ibrance pills I'm afraid to take but want to take at the same time. Sometimes I want to shout "Oh just stick a fork in me!" - Been so encouraged by some ladies Ibrance responses - Micmel's particularly. When it was time for a choice of treatments I was offered Verzenio or Ibrance with AI. I know people have had success with either, but I kept seeing great responses to Ibrance, and so I said, "Let's go with Ibrance!". Now I feel like with the delays etc I am shouting "Let's GOOOOOOO with Ibrance!". It'll happen, hopefully soon enough, just really praying my cancer holds on so I can even try and I quit hitting speed bumps.
I did something kinda amazing for me. I took a nap today! I slept today! I was up late last night til 1am. Had some thoughts I wanted to jot down. Then I fell asleep. Was woken up at 7am with breakfast by hubby, fell asleep again. Woke up at 10am, checked my email briefly and then fell asleep again until almost noon. Left about 1pm to do errands with hubby and then came home around 4. After putting stuff away..I was tired again. I fell asleep and woke up now 3 hrs later. I NAPPED. I haven't really done that less than a handful of time over a YEAR. Whoa.
Micmel, I was struck by something you said. You said "I need to feel like I belong again". BINGO. That is how I feel summed up in one sentence. I literally laughed out loud at the line "I feel like a big hairy ass!" LOL. My goodness, that was great to laugh like that. Laughter is like chicken soup for my soul these days.
Candy - Your are welcome
I am great company, very talkative, so be careful Grannax - so glad to read your feeling better and some good news for you. I hope infusions with no back pain are the new normal.
booboo - in your pocket for monday for your PET.
Mae - I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend.
Philly - just realized I forgot reply to your post to me earlier - you follow Nalie too?!
Hoping for good things for her with the Verzenio. I use Tom of Maine I think it is lavender deodorant. It's got purple graphics on the front, lol, not very helpful, but I recommend Tom of Maine, works well and is natural. Believe it or not but I'm tired again, I think I might grab a snack and hit the sack early tonight. Sweet dreams!
Edited to say: If I say things that don't come out right or say the wrong thing or anything like that, please forgive me. As I said before, I have carried guilt about not knowing what to say/the right things to say to a Stage 4 cancer lady before, I try and think of what Gumdoctor and Mae told me to not be too hard on myself and to let my experience as I walk Stage 4 myself guide me with what to say but I always come back to that lady I feel I failed......I know how I feel as a Stage 4 and I'd never want to bring down or hurt a lady when I know now its the little things that can make/break getting through a day.
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I just want to say I love all of you. What we have here is special. We are from all around the world, all backgrounds, all races, all creeds, but we understand like no others can. This is special.
Muddling- I am sooo sorry you cannot use your right hand anymore. I cannot remember what happened.
Micmel- I hear your fear, your hate of this cancer and what it has taken from you. And I hate that for you. All this is so unfair.
Radagast- Glad you got some rest today. And sorry you don't have the stamina to gogogo like you want to. Rest well tonight, my friend.
I got out and grocery shopped today. Saw a friend at the store and talked with her for a minute. Did my laundry this afternoon. Yes I still had some tearful times at home today when I think too much about all this. Hoping for all of us to have a respite from cancer for a few hours of peaceful sleep
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Hi to everyone that has no idea who I am, as well as those of you who do! I realized that I had not logged on for nearly a year!!! And boy, what a crappy year it was!! It hardly deserves the memory! Micmel knows all the shitty details.
Even though the year was not a good one,I am happy to have another under my belt. Going on four years real soon. Hard to believe.
I’m going to curl up,pull the shades and get caught up.
Love to all of you ❤️
Chelle.
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I had another good day today. Yes, I was on antibiotics about two weeks. 💞
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Rabbit~ sweetheart you're fine. There is no policing on this thread. Just us ladies keeping our heads above water together. Let it out. All of it. I always believe we should be able to say what we feel. I just dont like anyone being intentionally mean, which clearly you could never do. None of us really could. But I will pounce for my stage four sisters, should I need too. You guys are like my. Family.
Candy~ 🍭 yes we love you too darling. You're home. Doesn't it feel good to find your place?I know it felt good for me (and Mae and Divine) to make the thread. Without you all. It would be just my thoughts and my words. And god knows I can drive myself crazy 😜 enough with that. You all are enormously important to me. My Second family.
Grannax~🥂🥂🥂here is to another good day You go girl. I can hear the runway calling you again Our Supah Star 🌟❤️🌹!!
Much love to you all !
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CHELLE~~~~~~😮😮😮😮😮😮😮🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 my sweet sweet best friend, omfg I'm going to cry real tears. I am so thrilled to see you my girl. I love you so much. I am so happy you just made my night. DH took DSS to Alabama university this week and it's been hard. HEs adjusting and Is veeyhomesick. This woman here is my sister from another mother. She is my second half. I adore her and everything about her. Her mother. Her family. The whole sheebang. Special woman checking in right there.
It's been a long year for sure. But I know your strength. And I know how loved and special you truly are. I can't wait until, I am blessed with the chance to meet someone. Who I have started to love as a dear sister. Welcome home my beautiful angel! Love to everyone!!
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Thank you everyone, I appreciate it.
Reporting for pocket duty on Monday with Jelly Bellys and popcorn 😁
DH goes back on tour next week, I hate to see him go but I don’t mind getting back to a more steady routine. Tomorrow is movie and Big Burrito night.
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I had a nice visit with my mother's best friend Debbie. She has been in my life since I was a kid and her husband and she would visit us with donuts which was awesome. We also spent Christmas Eve with them for a great many years. We went to the bagel shop to have a bagel meal and sat and talked for 3 hours like I imagine she did with my mom. It was nice being able to talk to someone outside the family about things and just have a nice conversation. We plan on continuing this tradition as I can imagine my mother smiling down at us both and hopefully it helps Debbie feel closer to her as well.
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Mae~yummy at jelly bellies! Hope DH is safe on the road. Bring your big pocket jacket ! 😜
Mara~That is absolutely precious. I like the idea of that. I hope Debbie can fill some sort of void. I know I miss my dad , would love to visit with an uncle or someone close to him. Hear stories. When he was younger. That’s just special. Enjoy every visit !!
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Rabbit,
I am in a very different situation than you, having had kids ages ago, but I was SO upset at the thought of maybe never seeing my grandchildren. I feel I was BORN to be a grandmother. I had a wonderful grandmother.... on her deathbed I promised to be an awesome grandmother in her model. It will definitely be tragic for me not to see my future grandchildren if that is my fate.
Anyway, I have a younger friend with two tiny kids, 17 mos & 3, and very little help. Prior to diagnosis, I had begun going over once a week, to help her out, so the kids could get familiar with me and if she had an emergency need, I would be able to step in and actually help.
Then I got diagnosed ... and I decided, well, if I might not be a grandmother to my own DNA I could easily "grandmother" these kids, that were already here. I have an amazing stepD who I adore, so I know DNA is a very minor factor, where mutual love is concerned. And so, I kept going 1x /week for the whole time I was in treatment. Little kids don't care if you're bald. They don't care if you're anemic and sitting on the floor reading from a pile of books. They don't care if you only speak nonsense words! If you are paying attention and smiling and clapping for them, they are perfectly satisfied! I got so much pleasure out of it. I extracted every drop of pleasure available to me. It was fun. Lots of laughing-- also, being a real help, being needed.
I mention this because there are so many ways to "mother" when you have the heart of a mother. Maybe it's a family member or a friend who has babies and needs help. Maybe it's tutoring a kid who is learning to read. Maybe it's being a CASA for a foster child (which I also am, but my "kid" is now 20...). My neighbor fostered 3 babies for brief periods (planned adoptions needing temporary foster care).... There are many ways to plug in and "mother" children who will lap up the love you have to offer them... it is beautiful and special to connect with and nurture the next generation. It isn't the same, of course..... but it is still rewarding and beautiful and I bet it would salve that hurt you are feeling a little bit.
Now, after 18 mos, I feel like a full honorary grandmother. Those babies love me. They think I walk on water! They shriek and jump up and down when I arrive. They fall asleep on me when I rock them. It has been a beautiful experience!! I offer it in case it can help you too.
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