My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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Micmel, I am reluctant to give advice here as I am not a parent, so I’ll just say that my 55 year old brother lives in our parents garage with his two teens in our old bedrooms. He has never really had to take care of himself (I’m naturally independent), so he is stunted and years of help have actually hurt. The situation is toxic for all of them, the tension is thick and they are drowning in laziness and resentment. I know you’re in a tough spot but I do not want this for you and your DH.
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Mel - you're on the money... it's just hard to demand the change - and the turmoil that fits with it. Hugs.
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Mel, could you increase the rent and if he cleans up his messes or does other chores around the house, reduce it slightly. I know that is usually done to teach kids value of money and taking responsibility, but it may work to motivate, cut the lawn for say 20 bucks, stuff that lets him choose to do things. You are in a rock and a hard place with an adult, but money usually can make people do stuff they should already be doing but don't. Another option may be to say that if he wants to stay on the car insurance, he needs to contribute to cleaning his own room, clothes and stuff.
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Good morning friends! Loaded up the Jeep with packed boxes and took them to our kids house this weekend. We will be closing on our new house on 10/8. Moving early November. Hubs officially retires 11/5 (except he agreed to come back one week a month to take call coverage and give the other docs a break). Our current house is sold, closing in early November. So much to do. Thankfully those knee injections have helped with back pain. I’m actually able to do more.
Mel - don’t know what to tell you. You’ve gotten some good advice. Maybe going out for another meal with your son to share your thoughts. But as you know we’re here for support so if you need to bitch about life, let at it!
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Just back from a weekend with great friends on the Isle of Barra ( planned 18 months ago and delayed twice). Thought you might enjoy some pics of us landing on the only commercial runway in the world which is a beach!
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Goldens, glad things are coming along with moving and that your knee pain is better with the injection.
Karen, those pictures are really cool. Never heard of a beach landing pad, that is amazing also.
Mel, hope today finds you feeling better.
As for myself, staying home. Will be walking on the spot to my 10000 min step goal and doing surveys, laundry and other housework. Not a super exciting day but should be more productive. Trying to incorporate the steps in the house too so I don't lose my walking when outdoors is not plowed in the winter. We are projected to have a cold, snowy winter this year with possible snow before december.
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hi everyone, I've had a very sleepy quiet weekend. chemo & immunotherapy on Thurs & Fri, plus my steroids have ended, plus my Hgb is trending a bit low, plus the broken bone is trying to heal... I'm super drained. All I've done is take walks, nap & binge Homeland & podcasts in bed. I hope I start bouncing back soon.
I'm still team son lol. but then I think US culture re parenting & independence is strange & damaging.
I would suggest couple's counselling - because I dont think it should be reserved for when things are awful. be proactive, this is a big change so talking it out with a pro could help.
I hate typing with 1 hand so I'm trying voice to text but it's sometimes hilariouly bad.
hugs everyone
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Mae pocket duty and the ladies on the group were in your pocket too.
Tany
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Friends,
Having a weird day. I have a mass growing in my stomach. It is hard and feels like a round ball. Since I am back with my palliative care group (hospice said they think I’m premature), my nurse thought I should ask my MO what she thinks. I guess I was expecting something different, but she said as long as it is not causing me any pain, do nothing. She said if it is painful, we could do radiationor increase pain meds.
I’m telling you all this because I want you to know what to expect if you stop treatment. It feels like my MO has written me off. Maybe not, but this is my first encounter with her since I stopped treatment. I’m feeling kind of sad and unappreciated. Kind of less important than if I was a current patient. I’ll get over it, but I’m sad….feeling like this is really real now.
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Karen,
Your pictures are so awesome. It looks beautiful there. And I have to admit I can’t wait to wear a coat again. I am so ready to experience some Fall weather in PA. Going up to see my sisters the middle of October, so hopefully I’ll get to enjoy some nice cool weather.
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Booboo- Hug from here. I am sorry for how you are feeling. I cannot image how you feel. I hate this for you, for all of us.
My sister died 1 month after learning of her MBC. Comparing her and me I feel my situation is just a slow, prolonged death. Kind of depressing to contemplate.
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booboo, I’m so sorry. I realize they must not get too invested in us, in their line of work but that feels harsh and it must hurt, especially since I feel like we get very invested in them.
Tanya, thanks for pocket duty.
Echo and cardio labs are normal, Bone, CT and Brain MRI are tomorrow. Gotta get up early and it’s gonna be a long day. Results on Wednesday.
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Karen, so cool. I hope you had a great time.
Booboo, I’m so sorry. I also can’t imagine. I might say something to them that that’s how it made you feel, but it may not be something you want to do. Hugs.
Candy, I can totally relate. My brother was diagnosed with renal cancer in October last year and passed in January this year. I sometimes wonder if not knowing until it’s too late is easier, but then I think of what I would have missed.
Mae, I mentioned you in our meeting today and said I was thinking of you. I’m hoping for more good news for you after tomorrow.
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Please forgive and ignore me, Mel, if my input is not welcome! The situation with your son and DH has been on my mind. If we look at the cost of renting even a modest apartment in a reasonably safe part of town, we see that it is really impossible for a young adult to simply "Get a job and move out" on minimum wage. Does your DH realize this? It's not like the old days when our fathers could buy a house and support a family on a first job with a high school education. In the current economy it is a PROCESS. Ideally the young person can move toward greater independence in steps, with support. Here is what we did: First, kid gets that first minimum wage job and uses a combination of bus and rides from family to get there. Most money is saved for a used car. A relative provided an interest-free loan so kid could get the car sooner rather than later, relieving me of the driving duties. Once kid paid the car off, it was possible to save money for first and last month's rent. Then move to a place shared with several other young adults.
While said kid is living at home, they are treated like an adult, not a child. This means they contribute to the household by taking part in duties such as kitchen maintenance, grocery shopping, yard work etc. But it is not in the form of assigned chores and nagging, because that keeps them in the child role. It's more like, we are all adults here, cooperating, respecting each other. Also, we give the young adult kid the privacy and autonomy due to adults. That means their room is their room, no going in and nagging about it being untidy. Unless it has food trash attracting vermin, leave it alone. Don't stress over it .It does not matter. Every adult in the house needs a space that belongs to them. If you want them to act like an adult, treat them like an adult. Show them you think them capable of living up to that .
There is a big difference between a 50-something and a 20-something living with parents, and I do not believe that helping a young person in the process of becoming an independent adult makes them dependent long-term. The important thing is that they are moving in the right direction, learning to adult step by step. So, for example, you do speaker phone until they can handle talking to the insurance agent alone, you stand by with advice IF they ask. They do their laundry, etc.
Now, as to the stage iv cancer thing...To Mel's DH, if you love this woman, do not make her choose between her husband and her son. She loves you both, she wants to be with you both, and her future is very uncertain. Give her the gift of living in peace with her loved ones while she can.
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Shetland, some very wise advise and perspective from the view of the young adult as well. It is true that you cannot get a home with a job out of high school anymore. Those days are long gone.
Laurie, I am sorry about the MO, I am along the lines with what Mae mentioned, they have to step back emotionally to handle all the patients even though we do depend on them so much. I am sorry this is hurting you though.
Candy, I am sorry about how it is feeling for you after your sister's passing.
Mae, I am in your pocket with all tests and results coming Wednesday.
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Shetland~Hello my dear…. It’s making me want to scream actually. I don’t mind him here. Sometimes when he doesn’t take the trash out, it does bug me and he isn’t a big fan a regular washing his clothing. When he gets around to it or. Runs out I guess. DH wants things tidy and perfect. Drives me nuts. I could care less about a mess. I have to admit I’m a slob to a certain degree. I reach a point then I’m like ok I gotta clean this up. Girls mature faster than boys do. I am seeing so much. Now. I hope DH lays off. Because I don’t enjoy sandwiches.
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Mel, I am the same when it comes to cleaning. There are things I know I need to do around the house and it may be a couple of days later that I finally do it. The only things I get done in a timely fashion are laundry and cleaning out the microwave at the end of the day.
Beautiful day here, going to walk about 9 or 10K round trip, pick up some burgers that I can then grind up and combine in meals. Not stopping at the restaurant for a meal since I really have not liked the meals themselves. Tonight, I will be shopping with older DB. Tuesday seems to be the best day for them to see me which is fine. A friend of mine is gifting me an extra heater she no longer needs which excites me because I will try it out to dry clothes. Plug in the heater and put a fan behind to blow hot air on the clothes hanging from a drying rack. Love trying new things and seeing if they work.
I like this thought for anyone feeling low, certainly applies to me.
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Just got home from a lovely 9km/5.64 mile walk. The temperature was comfortable and did not get too sweaty. Face is still red but it usually does that. I did stop for a pop in the burger joint where I picked up a couple of patties. I also ate a granola bar. We have to show vaccination proof and health cards or other forms of ID. While I sat drinking my pop, I heard someone make a commotion about having to show vaccination proof. I just felt really bad for the employee dealing with this. Was about to stand up and tell the person to knock it off but another employee stepped in and took care of it. Feel sorry for those employees, they really need those brass knuckles I posted earlier.
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I had my Ortho consult today and a repeat x-ray. Everything looks good so far and they're still hoping that we can proceed without surgery. I got my cast changed to a lighter fiberglass one which is waterproof. That'll be good because it's been raining so hard here and I've had to wrap my cast in plastic bags as it sticks out from my coat. The new cast also exposes more of my finger so I'm hoping I can get back to knitting. Oh yeah and now I can shower!
Mae, hope you're scans are going well and you get excellent results. in your pocket on what sounds like a very long day
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Moth, take care of yourself with all that rain, saw that the west coast is getting a lot of rain.
Mae, still in your pocket until results are given.
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Thanks ladies! I’m in my scrubs and waiting for the last appointment today, Brain MRI. They had me move my arms earlier during the bone scan for a better view of my ribs, trying not to read anything into that but overall it’s been routine scans.
Currently, I’m trying to decide what to have for dinner, definitely something takeout.
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Mae - It seems like I always have to have a few more views done when they do the bone scans and I have so far remained at NEAD since July 2020. The technician always has explained beforehand that she may do that and not to read anything into other than that she is just trying to make sure she has really good films for the doctors to look at. Think happy thoughts.
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Oh and Mae, I vote for Chinese takeout.
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thinking of you all. In your pocket Mae
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Mae,
Totally in your pocket. I don’t know how you do it….remain so calm. Good for you. It will be over soon, and then you can go and get some Thai. I love Chicken Pad Thai…if it’s made correctly! Hope you enjoy whatever you have.
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I vote for Thai! Hope your long day of scans is over by now, Mae.
Carol
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Sorry, just reading this and full of 1/2 a huge old fashioned cheeseburger and onion rings! Long day, I left home at 6:30am and got back just after 7pm, so early to bed, I am beat.
It was calming to know I had such a crowded pocket, thanks everyone 😀.
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Mae - glad the scans are done. That does sound like a long day. I always get a few extra views on my bone scan also. Sometimes technologists will have you raise your arms or move them out and it doesn't always mean it's a problem. The scapula overlaps the rib cage and some radiologists have protocols that ask for the arms to be moved or to do views on an angle so that the ribs can be differentiated from the scapular area. Maybe it was something like that?
Popping in to say hello. Hugs to everyone. I've been trying to keep up but having some down days and so I just didn't feel like I had much to contribute. I also find October cringy with the breast cancer stuff. Holy smokes I resent the whole pink wave some days! I did sign up for the American Cancer Society's walk 35 miles in October challenge. It's their fundraiser thing. I'm not a big fundraiser person and I don't like to post that stuff on Facebook but that's where this was based. It's mostly a challenge to myself to move more. I figure it's a little over a mile a day. I can do that. My hip is feeling better and overall I've done better, I'm just struggling with some depression and it's manifesting itself as a lack of motivation. I just need to get off my butt and get moving. Sometimes that feels like moving a mountain.
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I can’t sleep. Awake since around 3:30 this morning. Have bone and CT scans today. The irrigation system just kicked on and we have a “water hammer” thing going on. It’s sounds like I’m in an MRI machine.
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Mae - what a long day…..I find I get crabby from the fatigue. I feel for you. Positive thoughts coming your way for good results
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